Author Topic: How I Got to Where I Am Today  (Read 3790 times)

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Offline Jillieann Rose

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How I Got to Where I Am Today
« on: February 12, 2006, 08:11:58 pm »
How I Got to Where I Am Today
(I’m doing this for therapeutically value. You can comment if you like.)

Been think back to my pass look for signs of TG. Earliest recollection is of look through mom underwear draw. I must have been around 8 and I like all the petty soft and silky things and I love to touch them. With the breast pump I got some clear liquid out of one of my nipples.
At age 13 or 14 found one of mom’s old slips with a tear in the lace fringe that had been put in the trash. I took it to my room fixed the used some white thread to fix the tear and alter the slip so that I could wear it. I keep it for a few years. Wearing it made me feel good.

At age 15-17 I often would wear my mother’s bras and panties, before or after taking a shower. The shower was in the basement near the laundry room were mom would leave her thing before washing them. It was sexual than, but isn’t everything sexual when you’re a teen?  At those times I would fantasize that I was a woman.
Dad caught me ones and said haven’t you grown out of that yet.

Ages 20-54 I would occasionally try on my wife cloths, especially the under garments. Sometimes I would wear a blouse and a skirt or slacks. In the 20’s and early 30’s it was often a sexually thing. In the later 30 through into the mid 50’s it became a enjoyable relating and seemingly therapeutically.
Because I believed it was wrong (society pressers and up bring) I have tried not to remember those times.

At age 55 (which I still am) I decide that I would wear woman’s undergarment whenever I want to under my (male) clothing. They are softer and I loved the feel of silk on my skin. At that point it triggered the female spirit that has been trap inside of me and many of my memories began flooding back into my mind. So I began searching the web to find out what was wrong with me and who I am. By the grace of my Lord I found Susan’s last October.  (You can read about how I confused I was when I first came here in my intro posting.)

Now I know that I’m a TG a person who was assigned a gender at birth, based on their genitals, but who feels that this is a false description of my self.
I’m a CD person who wears feminine clothing to expressing a feminine my personality.

Also eventhough I haven’t been diagnost, I am a GID.
 As a transsexual I have a congenital defect that occurs in the early stages of gestation after conception. I have no choice in being transsexual. I just am.
I couldn’t and won’t ever go back to denial.
I’m freer and feel much better, more secure in who I am than I can ever remember being.
(Thanks for reading this, I hope it may help other in there journey. Thank you Susan for this great site and thank all of you who have helped me alone on this journey.)
 :)
Jillieann

Joseph

Re: How I Got to Where I Am Today
« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2006, 11:09:46 pm »
Hi Jillieann,

  Well said.  Particularly this part:

Also eventhough I haven’t been diagnost, I am a GID.
 As a transsexual I have a congenital defect that occurs in the early stages of gestation after conception. I have no choice in being transsexual. I just am.
I couldn’t and won’t ever go back to denial.

I identify very much with those words, and I thank you for posting them.   :)

Joseph

melissa_girl

Re: How I Got to Where I Am Today
« Reply #2 on: February 13, 2006, 12:13:21 am »
Hi Jillieann.  Being a transsexual, I am glad you are strong enough to not have to transition.  I know I would never be able to live the rest of my life as male.  There were quite a few times where I seriously considered taking my own life during the past couple months.  I knew I really needed to get treatment fast.  Now that I have started my transition, I have been feeling much better and have had no suicidal thoughts lately.  A little depression here and there, but that's mostly it.  Like I said, I'm proud that you are able to be so strong.

Melissa

Offline Jillieann Rose

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Re: How I Got to Where I Am Today
« Reply #3 on: February 13, 2006, 09:42:02 pm »
Hi Melissa,
I do understand your feeling. At times I have been very unhappy about my phyical condition but this life is full of compromises. And yes I would love to have all female body parts wear the cloths and always be treated like a woman. But the need to keep the relationship with my wife and family alive is one of the  reason why I'm staying a CD plus. I also beleive God has somekind of a plan for me as I work through this too.
Yes I'm still struggling with this male exterior, but I really believe I can make peace with it, of course with many compromises.
But about transitioning I have transitioned in everyway but phyically already.
What really make a woman is not how she dresses or looks but it's what's inside (the sprirt and mind). Right? Right. Then I am a woman already.

Melissa I'm glad that your doing much better now. And in away I envy you, you have a supportive wife who is helping you on a journey to transitioning phyically. I am also glad for you, because it is what you need to do.
Hand in there girl and if you need to talk I'll be around.
Your TG Sis
 :)
Jillieann

melissa_girl

Re: How I Got to Where I Am Today
« Reply #4 on: February 14, 2006, 10:56:13 am »
Thanks Jillieann.  I have already gone 28 years in a male body, I just couldn't keep doing that even another year, let alone 50 more years or so.  My life as a male has been pretty unsuccessful and my unhappiness had become apparent to others around me.  Like I said before, you are strong to be able to live as a CD Plus rather than transitioning.  I started with constantly having my GID problems on my mind to the point I couldn't concentrate anymore, which led to some serious depression, panic attacks and I even felt close to having a nervous breakdown.  It really did become a life or death situation for me.  In fact for a little while I even stopped visiting here during some of the really bad periods.  Fortunately, I started seeing my new therapist before it had gotten too bad and after a few sessions, I was starting to feel better.  It wasn't until I knew I was going to start hormones that it really started turning around.  Dysphoria sucks.  Anyway, that's the negative of what been happening for the past couple months.  I hadn't really shared it here until now.

Melissa

Offline Sarah Louise

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Re: How I Got to Where I Am Today
« Reply #5 on: February 14, 2006, 11:38:14 am »
Those are "negatives" that many of us have faced over the years Melissa.  You are better for the fact that you started your transition while your still young.

Sarah L.
Nameless here for evermore!;  Merely this, and nothing more;
Tis the wind and nothing more!;  Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore!!"

melissa_girl

Re: How I Got to Where I Am Today
« Reply #6 on: February 14, 2006, 11:56:12 am »
Thanks Sarah.  I'm sure it wouldn't have been as easy to do it young if not for the internet and all the resources available to transsexuals nowdays.  Plus, the fact that I live near a good city for transitioners.

Melissa

Joseph

Re: How I Got to Where I Am Today
« Reply #7 on: February 14, 2006, 09:26:19 pm »
I also beleive God has somekind of a plan for me as I work through this too.

Amen, sister.  :icon_yes:  Again, thx for sharing.

Offline Jillieann Rose

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Re: How I Got to Where I Am Today
« Reply #8 on: February 14, 2006, 10:14:28 pm »
Melissa, I'm glad you have share your "negatives" with me and others.
I don't beleive i'm stronger just a little different , but we are sister TG's.
I will keep praying for you and Shari and your children.
God be with you,
 :)
Jillieann

Your welcome Joseph.

melissa_girl

Re: How I Got to Where I Am Today
« Reply #9 on: February 14, 2006, 10:47:21 pm »
Thanks Jillieann.  It's really wonderful to have friends like everyone here at Susans.

Melissa

Sara

Re: How I Got to Where I Am Today
« Reply #10 on: February 15, 2006, 12:34:29 am »
Jillieann, thanks for sharing such an indepth post. I wonder how many of us have raided moms drawers. You are so strong, stronger than most I think.

Sara.

Owen

Re: How I Got to Where I Am Today
« Reply #11 on: February 16, 2006, 11:04:56 pm »
Hi, What you just described is excatly what I used to do in my very young years. I used to go into my mom's drawers and put on panty house, pantys, slips, even a dress or two. Later it became a little sexual but I outgrew it and just put on dresses and liked it. Shoes and anything I could fit into. It made me feel very feminine.


owen

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