Author Topic: Did you "always know" you were trans?  (Read 2318 times)

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Offline PurpleWolf

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Did you "always know" you were trans?
« on: March 28, 2018, 08:17:10 pm »

What do you think of the 'always knew' narrative?

Just came across this in a post... Before that phrase used to make me uncomfortable and now it slightly irritates me.

What do you think? Did you 'always know' you were trans? What does that phrase mean to you exactly?

It seems many trans people struggle with this. And after all it seems the majority of us didn't 'always know'...! Far from it!

---
For me, this one is easy:
Like I said, that phrase used to make me very uncomfortable. That brought to my mind those child transitioners like Jazz Jennings who had their family's support and seemed to always have known plus acted a plain girl.

Me on the other hand wasn't the tomboy as a child plus I was discouraged to act in any way boyish. I didn't have boy toys, nor boy clothes. I mostly played with dolls.

In fact, I did socially transition at 13 nevertheless. But my family still thinks my childhood somehow 'proves' I'm not trans!

Now, I think of it like this:
I didn't 'always know' I'm trans or a boy. I identified as a girl, because that's what society told me I was. It was a fact of nature. So I didn't insist I was a boy instead. However, I've always been me, this person I still am. So, I have multiple instances in my childhood I felt dysphoric in or uncomfortable of my assigned gender. I of course didn't know the word 'dysphoria', neither transgender. I was fascinated by anything crossdressing/trans stuff (because it spoke straight to my core) and in a way I always knew there were people who did that. (Because I was one of them, obviously.)

1) I wasn't allowed to explore this boy part of me in any way as a child. So it didn't really 'show' outside what I felt inside!
2) I wasn't aware of transitioning, dysphoria, etc. etc. as a young child, so I couldn't identify as a trans boy either.

BUT I've always been me. And thus I've come to the conclusion that, yes, after all, I 'always knew' in a way. My earliest gender related memories are from 1-4 years old. I didn't always feel discomfort for being a girl; but I've felt discomfort in such situations as long as I can remember, i.e. always.

So, imo, the whole 'always knew' narrative is some BS. TV loves that! And I'm glad there are families who openly let their children be their true selves and are genuinely interested in their child's well-being and getting to know them as a unique person. However, I'm guessing that's a minority. Most parents (unfortunately) don't let their children freely express their gender in any way possible.

I've struggled with that sentence. And I'm sure many people have!!! And will. As if you were more valid as yourself if you 'always knew'. 

The other controversial statement is 'trapped in the wrong body'. Maybe I should make a thread of that as well  :P!
!!!REBIRTH=legal name change on Feb 16th 2018!!!
This is where life begins for me. It's a miracle I finally got it done.


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Offline Bobbie LeAnn

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Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2018, 01:43:11 am »
Yes I always knew but I didn't know the real name for it. I thought I was a freak, something wrong with me. If I had known just 30 years ago I could have gotten help and my insurance pay for it. I could have ended the senseless suicide attempts that I went through trying to end the pain.







Offline Eevee

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Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #2 on: March 29, 2018, 03:04:40 am »
I didn't always know I was trans. I didn't know that was even a thing for a long time. All I knew was that I was different, but I couldn't define what it was that made me different until I was in my mid-20's when I started to put the pieces together.

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Offline Jailyn

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Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #3 on: March 29, 2018, 03:30:48 am »
Wolf I am with you on this too. I didn't know what I was for a very very very long time. It took discovery and acceptance on my part for myself to really come out. I didn't know all my life. I just knew I was different and didn't know how but, just knew I didn't fit in with the boys and leaned towards "girl things." As I was socialized I knew it wasn't even acceptable to be gay yet alone trans. I came to my realization about 14 or 16 when the "Maury" show was doing a is she a she or is she a boy segment and it intrigued me a lot. I understood the "girlie boys or transsexuals" as they called them on the show. I tried learning more but, the mid 90's information was not there. Also my parents found my searches on the computer and scared me to death and well squashed that for a while. I really suspected but, I couldn't explore and find myself because I was also Mormon and you are not different in their church. You blend in and do what you supposed to. So again socialization got the better of me. My breakthrough ahhh ha moment came about 3.5 years ago I was struggling with church and marriage. Dived right into the gender dysphoria hole. Which made me start exploring and finding. It all came on when a friend from my mission did a post on youtube saying she was trans and always felt ashamed and like she was living a lie. All the pieces fit for me when I saw her very brave video. It made me say then that I was trans, but it was at least another year till I did something about it. So I can't say I knew all my life. I just knew I was not the same as my peers.

Offline Julia1996

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Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #4 on: March 29, 2018, 04:45:27 am »
Well I haven't always known I was trans no. I didnt know what trans was until I was about 10 years old. But at a very early age I knew something was very wrong and that I wasn't a boy even though I was told I was.
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Offline natalie.ashlyne

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Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #5 on: March 29, 2018, 06:24:08 am »
Well I always new I was odd/different first time was I believe 5 or 6 years old

Offline Gertrude

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Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #6 on: March 29, 2018, 07:31:59 am »
I knew I was different since 4-5. Trans wasn’t a word then, maybe not a concept. We were called transvestites.  I detest that term. Transgender is more accurate and acceptable.


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Online KathyLauren

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Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #7 on: March 29, 2018, 07:39:16 am »
Define "know".

I always knew I was odd, but I never knew what it was until recently.  I had heard about people "having a sex change" as they called it, but to me that meant that transgender (the word didn't even exist) was something you did, not who you were.  And I didn't have the nerve to "do it".

It was only in recent years, when transgender entered public awareness via a couple of celebrities, that I realized that that's who I was. 
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly, beginning full-time; 2017-07-10 Legal name change; 2019-02-15 Approval for GRS

Offline softbutchharley

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Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #8 on: March 29, 2018, 08:51:09 am »
I didn't always know I was trans. I didn't know that was even a thing for a long time. All I knew was that I was different, but I couldn't define what it was that made me different until I was in my mid-20's when I started to put the pieces together.
Ditto Eevie...
My memory as well....
I literally had folks try to beat and pray the  girl out of me. It worked pretty well, as I buried her very deep until I found the info and resources to explore "..what is wrong with me..?  " .
hth
J
Those who deny freedom to others....Do not deserve it for themselves.  Abraham Lincoln

Offline Corrina

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Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #9 on: March 29, 2018, 09:04:37 am »
I had no idea what I was when I was a kid. I was teased for acting and walking like a girl. And got caught dressing like a girl my parents were outraged. Then I was caught again by my aunt dressing as a woman in my twenties. I was called a homosexual and cross dresser. I was just feminine and liked the idea of being a woman. So drank to hide those feelings. I am sober now and these feelings are stronger. I realized I am a transwoman. And now happier!!

Offline Paul Muad-Dib

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Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #10 on: March 29, 2018, 10:39:15 am »
No I didn't know that was the exact issue but I did know something was up about age 7 or 8.

I didn't identify as anything in particular back then though. People told me what they thought I was and categorized me by it. I don't think I paid much attention. It's like your name - its something other people use to identify you, but in your own head you don't need a name to know what's everything to do with you and what's not you, i.e. the rest of the world and everyone else. I didn't need gender definitions to operate (and to feel instinctively bad about the one I had).

"If the freedom of speech is taken away, then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter."

Online sarah1972

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Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #11 on: March 29, 2018, 11:15:36 am »
Not really... and that pretty much until I was in my mid 40's.
I knew I was weird as a kid wearing my mom's bras. But I felt better.
I was blaming some odd fetish for years (and pretended to buy lingerie for my girlfriend). But I felt better.

For me it was a mix of postpartum depression and the ugly bathroom debate which really brought this on my radar and that was only two years ago. Then I looked up transgender and it just fit and made total sense. But... better late than never.


Offline Shy

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Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #12 on: March 30, 2018, 01:29:28 pm »
Yes, form an early age, but then I didn't know what trans was.

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

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Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #13 on: March 30, 2018, 01:59:30 pm »
I didn't always know I was trans. I didn't know that was even a thing for a long time. All I knew was that I was different, but I couldn't define what it was that made me different until I was in my mid-20's when I started to put the pieces together.
I might have started putting the pieces together a little earlier, when I was 19 or something like that, but I thought that there's nothing I can do about it. In my country it's really hard to be different in every meaning of that word, you have to learn everything by yourself and don't even think that you'll find support from your family or friends. So it took me longer to finally figure myself out.

Offline Chelsea

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Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #14 on: March 30, 2018, 02:15:24 pm »
I knew something was wrong with me at age 10 although I didn't know what. Its a shame it took me the next 20 years to figure out why I was so miserable. I grew up in the 80's and I never heard of "Transgender" until years later. Growing up in the bible belt didn't help either.

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Offline Shambles

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Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #15 on: March 30, 2018, 02:51:25 pm »
I may not have had a name for it and didnt want to acept it for 35 years but i always knew something was there
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Offline Lucy Ross

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Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #16 on: March 30, 2018, 06:37:47 pm »
"Transgender" has only become common parlance in the current decade.  When I was a youngster it was crossdressers - or transvestites? was there a difference, I'd wonder?  - and transsexuals, or shemales if they had their clothes off; and I knew about drag queens like Divine.  I had no idea where to go to research this stuff, and for about 30 years I thought my brief flirtation with dressing up was just some pre teen pervosity I indulged in; my occasional fantasies were dirty/shameful/wrong, too.  Or just really unconventional.  As one account put it "I always fantasized about breasts, but it took me years to realize that other guys didn't fantasize about having them, too!" 

At the 2016 WPATH conference my therapist asked her colleagues about the estimates for the population of "Confused transsexuals" as one book describes us - people who don't have some epiphany about their gender mismatch at an early age.  No one knows.  We might be in the majority - she pointed out to me that all these kids coming forth these days as trans are much the same as those of us figuring out who we are in middle age. 
1982-1985 Teenage Crossdresser!
2015-2017 Middle Aged Crossdresser!  Or...?
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Offline Cassi

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Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #17 on: March 30, 2018, 06:43:36 pm »
My deepest, darkest and most sinful secret.  I didn't understand it, was confused and fought it so many times. 
HRT since 1/04/2018

Offline Degenderate

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Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #18 on: March 30, 2018, 07:53:03 pm »
I always knew I was odd, but I never knew what it was until recently.  I had heard about people "having a sex change" as they called it, but to me that meant that transgender (the word didn't even exist) was something you did, not who you were.  And I didn't have the nerve to "do it".

This is exactly how I thought too, you put it perfectly. I hated people thinking of me as a girl, but I just assumed I was a weird girl, I didn't know there was anything else.
Adrian - 28 - FtM

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Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #19 on: March 31, 2018, 02:16:39 am »
I literally had no idea what transgender was until I was like 17 years old. If I knew that changing your gender was a real thing then I would have jumped on it when I was like 10. Seriously, I fantasized about changing my gender throughout my entire childhood but I just did not know it was actually possible.

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