Author Topic: Did you "always know" you were trans?  (Read 2116 times)

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Offline Allison S

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Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #20 on: March 31, 2018, 03:09:57 am »
I literally had no idea what transgender was until I was like 17 years old. If I knew that changing your gender was a real thing then I would have jumped on it when I was like 10. Seriously, I fantasized about changing my gender throughout my entire childhood but I just did not know it was actually possible.
Me too. But I waited until 6 months ago at 27..  either way it's my path that I'll follow. Wow... I just had a TINY almost miniscule bug walk across my screen as I was typing this.. super weird
(Never had anything like that happen ever before.. lol)
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Offline TicTac

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Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #21 on: March 31, 2018, 12:32:04 pm »
Me too. But I waited until 6 months ago at 27..  either way it's my path that I'll follow. Wow... I just had a TINY almost miniscule bug walk across my screen as I was typing this.. super weird
(Never had anything like that happen ever before.. lol)
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A bug walked across your screen? I hope you did not harm him! Bugs deserve to live too :( Anyways yeah, not knowing until after puberty sucks. I hope your transition goes well  :)
When life shuts a door...open it again. Its a door. That is how they work.

Offline Allison S

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Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #22 on: March 31, 2018, 12:46:35 pm »
A bug walked across your screen? I hope you did not harm him! Bugs deserve to live too :( Anyways yeah, not knowing until after puberty sucks. I hope your transition goes well  :)
No I blew it away into the wind where it can learn to fly... Lol hope the fall was ok... I didn't think about that..

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Offline TicTac

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Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #23 on: March 31, 2018, 10:36:38 pm »
No I blew it away into the wind where it can learn to fly... Lol hope the fall was ok... I didn't think about that..

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That is okay! I think he will be fine as bugs are pretty durable.
When life shuts a door...open it again. Its a door. That is how they work.

Offline Donna

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Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #24 on: March 31, 2018, 11:10:02 pm »
I knew there was something different but no idea what it was. I was extreme in anything I got involved in. In hindsite I know it was me protecting myself from my feminine side although I didn’t know that until me T levels dropped and unfogged my mind. My god it all
Makes sense now and I only wish it made sense 55 + years ago.
December 2015 noticed strange feelings moving in
December 2016 started to understand what my body has been telling me all my life, started wearing a bra for comfort full time
Spiro and dutastricide 2017
Mid year 2017 Started dressing and going out shopping etc by myself
October T 14.8 / 456
Came out to my wife in December 2017
January 2018 dressing androgenes and still have face hair
Feb 2018 Dressing full time in female clothing out at work and to friends and family, clean shaven and make up
Living full time March 1 2018
March T 7.4 / 236
April 19th eligard injection, no more Testosterone
June 19th a brand new freshly trained HRT and transgender care doctor for me. Only a one day waiting list to become her patient 😍

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Offline epvanbeveren

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Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #25 on: April 01, 2018, 05:46:15 am »
Nope, I did not knew I was trans until later in life. I did however knew I wasn't what I was supposed to be. I knew I didn't fit in with the boys or girls.

I didn't think and felt at ease with boys. I felt feminine and had female behaviors/interest. I was born in 1963 and raised in a very strict conservative reformed Christian lifestyle. No sex education at school, no mentioning at home and with family. I was single, had no brother or sister. Until I was 16, then my parents allowed me to choose if I wanted to remain Christian. You probably know the answer. :)

The word transgender wasn't invented yet. I felt like I didn't belong, I felt like the ugly ducking. Long story short, I am now happy me. A woman. :)
I am a K. MacPhee girl, re-born on October 4 2017 in Raleigh/Durham NC. USA
I was AMAB on May 6 1963 in Dordrecht, the Netherlands.

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HRT - 2015
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first day (01) of new life (01), '15 = opposite of 51 (my age at the time)


Offline Megan.

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Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #26 on: April 01, 2018, 06:04:09 am »
I always knew from a very early age that I wasn't 'not trans*', but it took me many years to figure out what I might be, then many more to finally admit,  accept and finally embrace it.

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Offline big kim

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Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #27 on: April 01, 2018, 02:19:00 pm »
I knew I was very different from other kids but I was 21 before I realised  the reason why. It was like gradually being given a few pieces of a jigsaw every couple of years then putting it together

Offline PurpleWolf

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Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #28 on: April 02, 2018, 05:49:39 pm »

I did however knew I wasn't what I was supposed to be. I knew I didn't fit in with the boys or girls.

I knew I was very different from other kids but I was 21 before I realised  the reason why. It was like gradually being given a few pieces of a jigsaw every couple of years then putting it together

These deeply resonate with me. I also felt I didn't fit in with either gender - that I was 'unlike' the other girls and 'more like' the boys - but didn't realize that made me a boy necessarily. And even just recently I've been thinking over my childhood and if that 'in-between' feeling meant I was more nb than ftm. I remember many times having this sulky feeling and thinking, 'I'm not like those girls at all...!' And a panicky, dysphoric feeling when grouped up with them, thinking 'I should be there with the boys...!' But since I really didn't fit in with either group - I mostly felt just 'in-between'. In retrospect I wanted to be included with the boys but just wasn't, so...!

And then at 13 when I heard the other kids had thought I was a boy in my new school - it felt like a lightbulb went off and I found the last jigsaw puzzle piece. I felt that hey, suddenly all that made sense! I felt like a boy! And would like to be seen as one. Like a shroud had been taken off from covering my eyes  :D!
!!!REBIRTH=legal name change on Feb 16th 2018!!!
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Offline MeTony

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Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #29 on: April 03, 2018, 04:04:05 am »
I did not know until I was 30 that there was a name for my feelings. I was a boy until I was about 10 and started to develop to a girl. Hid my chest. Was embarassed. I had always been one of the guys. Even at gyms class in school. I had a great teacher who saw I’m a boy.

As a small child I put up a fight when mom tried to dress me up in dresses and cute girly stuff.

I thought I was crazy. I felt like a freak. Never told anyone. Tried to be normal. Perfect happy mother and wife.  But today I know. Knowledge is everything.

I knew there were transvestites. But I was not one of them. I knew that much.

Always known....in one way I’ve always known. But I had not the knowledge until I was about 30.

Offline Nbj

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Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #30 on: April 03, 2018, 06:21:04 am »
No I blew it away into the wind where it can learn to fly... Lol hope the fall was ok... I didn't think about that..

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That is okay! I think he will be fine as bugs are pretty durable.

hahaha, I actually hadn't planned on answering here, just reading, gathering other's experiences. But I just HAD to comment on this conversation, because rarely have I laughed that hard over some side-convo on the internet  :D ;D
Anyways, you're right, the bug should be fine ^^

I am not sure if this actually IS my place to post any answer, since i am still in that "finding myself and figuring things out" -phase
But maybe I will participate once I feel ready

Offline Charlie Nicki

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Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #31 on: April 03, 2018, 08:58:25 am »
Short answer: No.

Like most replies here, I always knew I was different I just didn't know the extent of it...From a very young age I was a really feminine boy and my classmates gave me hell for it. I was called names and I didn't know what I was doing wrong. As a teenager when I definitely realized I liked boys I just thought I was gay (like everybody else told me I was since being a child) and thought all the pieces fitted in the puzzle, but of course they didn't. I still felt incomplete and sometimes I felt I didn't belong in the gay scene and the whole gay culture. The desire of being a woman was always on the back of my mind and slowly started growing until it became unbearable.

I was also really interested in any gender non-conforming person. From drag queens to androgynous to trans people I was super fascinated by the whole thing.

It wasn't until I was 25 that I started seriously considering I could be transgender. I'm 29 now and just started hormones last year.
Latina :) I speak Spanish, English and a bit of Portuguese.

Offline josie76

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Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #32 on: April 03, 2018, 11:05:41 am »
I did "always" know in a way. I felt wrong from about age 4 on. Kids start to see the world split them based on gender then. I felt I was being put in the wrong group but didn't really know why or what it was. In Kindergarten my very best friend was a girl. I wanted to do everything with her back then. In first grade, new school, new kids, I found out how to start acting more like a boy. I felt left out of everything. I was teased and beaten up. I quickly learned to act right so the boys wouldn't pick on me the way they did. I could no longer play with the girls. I think that is when I started wishing I had been born a girl. I have vivid moments in my memory of anything that could have related to life had I been born female. A conversation my mom had with one of my aunts about what names were picked out when each was pregnant for instance. What I remembered was my mom would have named me Josephine. Her and I talked about it. She doesn't remember the conversation but she says it would have been Joy. Well I was a very little kid so my memory was close.  :)
I could never explain why but I could never shake the feeling I should have been female. This would emerge so strongly as to evoke tears often when I was alone or lying in bed at night. I had dysphoria about my genitals at around 11. I literally planned out the needed supplies to self castrate. I never went that far but it was a nagging thought for a few years anyway.

Anyway that is life, as they say.  ;)
04/26/2018 bi-lateral orchiectomy

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karenk1959

Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #33 on: April 03, 2018, 11:37:18 am »
Blocked out a lot of my childhood ~ too emotionally traumatic. When I was 4 or 5, I had fantasies about going to a ballet class in a leotard and tights and having the other girls not recognize me as a boy. I played with a girl across the street. I only remember playing with her dolls, but since I only have two older brothers, I must of played dress up with her, likely wearing her dance class clothes since I knew about ballet class, but I don't remember. Then one day, my Mom told my girlfriend's mom that I will no longer be playing because boys don't play with girls. I only remember feeling very embarrassed and ashamed.

During puberty, and maybe earlier, I dressed in my mom's underwear in secret a lot. I don't know if I just didn't put things back neatly, I stretched out my mom's hose or I got caught, but I think they knew since throughout puberty and my teen years my father would constantly tell me, and not my brothers as I later found out, that a man should have as much sex with as many women as possible. He probably didn't know about TG and thought I was gay.

I repressed my TG feelings for years filled with horrible depression and anxiety. Many times when I was away at conferences I would buy pantyhose without my wife knowing I was excited by women's lingerie. Wearing them always left me feeling ashamed and depressed ~ I'm sure from feeling ashamed as a kid.

Now I am 58 and have finally come out to my wife after a year of therapy. My wife was supportive at first, but now my marriage is rocky. I know now that I am a woman in a man's body, but culturally I was raised as a male. I know that if I transition I will end up alone, which may worsen my depression and I am worried about killing myself over it. So I have horrible gender dysphoria. It is a no win situation for me.

Anyway, to answer your question, I had desires to be a girl at a very young age, feelings that became repressed for the most part. Maybe if I was born at this more progressive time in history I could have gone on to transition at an early age.

I know that many of these posts go unread, especially long ones like this one, but I would love a response of any kind. Thanks!

Offline Charlie Nicki

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Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #34 on: April 03, 2018, 11:44:17 am »
Blocked out a lot of my childhood ~ too emotionally traumatic. When I was 4 or 5, I had fantasies about going to a ballet class in a leotard and tights and having the other girls not recognize me as a boy. I played with a girl across the street. I only remember playing with her dolls, but since I only have two older brothers, I must of played dress up with her, likely wearing her dance class clothes since I knew about ballet class, but I don't remember. Then one day, my Mom told my girlfriend's mom that I will no longer be playing because boys don't play with girls. I only remember feeling very embarrassed and ashamed.

During puberty, and maybe earlier, I dressed in my mom's underwear in secret a lot. I don't know if I just didn't put things back neatly, I stretched out my mom's hose or I got caught, but I think they knew since throughout puberty and my teen years my father would constantly tell me, and not my brothers as I later found out, that a man should have as much sex with as many women as possible. He probably didn't know about TG and thought I was gay.

I repressed my TG feelings for years filled with horrible depression and anxiety. Many times when I was away at conferences I would buy pantyhose without my wife knowing I was excited by women's lingerie. Wearing them always left me feeling ashamed and depressed ~ I'm sure from feeling ashamed as a kid.

Now I am 58 and have finally come out to my wife after a year of therapy. My wife was supportive at first, but now my marriage is rocky. I know now that I am a woman in a man's body, but culturally I was raised as a male. I know that if I transition I will end up alone, which may worsen my depression and I am worried about killing myself over it. So I have horrible gender dysphoria. It is a no win situation for me.

Anyway, to answer your question, I had desires to be a girl at a very young age, feelings that became repressed for the most part. Maybe if I was born at this more progressive time in history I could have gone on to transition at an early age.

I know that many of these posts go unread, especially long ones like this one, but I would love a response of any kind. Thanks!

Karen I did read all of it. I'm sorry that your marriage is getting more difficult, it happens a lot but couples therapy might help it survive.

If you do decide to start transitioning, I just want to let you know that it is never too late. We have a lot of transitioners over 50 and 60 here so it's very common.
Latina :) I speak Spanish, English and a bit of Portuguese.

karenk1959

Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #35 on: April 03, 2018, 12:03:57 pm »
Thank you Charlie Nicki! It means a lot to me that you read my post. I appreciate your compassion.

Maybe one day I will transition. Right now I am where I am ~

Thanks again

Offline Marcieelizabeth

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Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #36 on: April 03, 2018, 12:06:36 pm »
Did I know? Always?  no.  But I did know I wanted to wear womens clothes and that I looked at women and what they wore and how they lived differently than most men did. At an early age of 6 I felt right when I wore womens clothing in private or for dress up.  It manifested itself as an uneasiness, an unhappiness that I hid, and as a fetish, until I was 56 and then it came screeching to light and I was sure it was who I have always been.  I tried to not believe it and tried to pray it away, but knew from that one moment that it was true.  I also knew it was right when my wife said she had seen me be happier than I have ever been! 

Love and Hugs, Marcie
:-*

First memory of cross-dressing - age 8 - 1967
Marcie Since 6-17-17   :D
Out to wife 6-27-17  :D :D
Started HRT 10-13-17  :D :D :D
First time completely me at therapy on 10-31-17 <3
Started Finestrade on 11-1-17 <3
 Estradiol and Spiro to therapeutic levels on 12-4-17
Went out totally as Marcie with friends sans beard 3-24-18
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Out to both sisters 2-3-19

...it makes me smile to know its me, fearful about losing the good things in my life, anxious about every single step, doubting my resolve, determined to stop living a lie,  VERY hopeful for the future as myself, Marcie, and I am thankful to have this safe place

Offline Maria77

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Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #37 on: April 06, 2018, 10:19:22 am »
I knew, but i put it out of mind until a crisis point in my life.
Society knew
I got called  “fag” so much as a child I thought it was my name.
So I was effeminate
My mom busted me trying on her clothes when I was about 4
When I was 10 or 11 I heard about Christine Jorgunson and went to library to research
The old lady librarian lady caught me in the stacks reading homosexual books
After I had learned that rhe procedure was rare and super expensive I gave up hope.
Plus although I appreciate good looking males, I was more interested in women
I had one gf in particular who was a soul mate, but her parents were opposed
Having any level of African blood can greatly complicate your life
In my 30s, in a stressful doctoral prrogram and an abusive wife (i was mean to her too)
In the 90s information became available: i read RuPaul’s book
When my marriage failed I changed and i was alone and steamed forth


KarenK your situation is tough.  Your wife no longer sees you as a protector and what a terrible shock for her.  But you also need to be true to yourself.   In these kinds of situations it’s so difficult.  You may not end up alone.  One thing I’ve learned is that being lgbt sometimes gives us more options to find love.  I think for us genitals are just some flesh-the person attached means a bit more.  I have a husband now, but had preferred women before.  As Ben Franklin said, “nothing in li&e is certain besides death and taxes.”  Hugs.

Offline PurpleWolf

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Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #38 on: April 06, 2018, 10:56:35 am »
I know that many of these posts go unread, especially long ones like this one, but I would love a response of any kind. Thanks!
I did read your post too,  ;)! And I will agree with others: it doesn't necessarily mean you'll end up alone! You are just starting your life  :). For most of us, transition makes our life A LOT better!!!!! In so many ways you're not able to comprehend right now. After sucking it up for so long you've succumbed to your life as is. Making a change can feel terrifying! But this is your life. You now have the chance to add the last piece of the puzzle now that you found it,  ;). Only then you will be able to see the whole picture!

1) It doesn't necessarily mean your marriage will end even if it is rocky now.

2) Even if it did, that does not mean you'll end up alone. Any change is a possibility for a new beginning. There are people here who transitioned at their 50s and 60s and have found a new partner.

Now it is time to practice some healthy selfishness and make those necessary changes so that you'll get the best out of your own life! If all the people around you are not for it, you will find other ones who will replace them. This is like any other turning point in your life  :): some people stop being friends at some point so that new (as good or better) ones can pour into your life! Start building a strong support network so you will not be left alone if things get tough.
!!!REBIRTH=legal name change on Feb 16th 2018!!!
This is where life begins for me. It's a miracle I finally got it done.


My body is the home of my soul; not the other way around.

I'm more than anything an individual; I'm too complex to be put in any box.

- A social butterfly not living in social isolation anymore  ;D -
(Highly approachable but difficult to grasp)


The past is overrated - why stick with it when you are able to recreate yourself every day

Offline Shambles

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Re: Did you "always know" you were trans?
« Reply #39 on: April 06, 2018, 04:52:29 pm »
I may not have had a name for it and didnt want to acept it for 35 years but i always knew something was there

After thinking about this topic some more i think i probily knew i was trans by my teens, before that was just i was different. Difference is i couldnt bring myself to acept it, too ashamed, embarised and in denial. I continued to do what was expected of me for 20 years until i broke and couldnt take it anymore
- Jo / Joanna

Pre-HRT Trans-Fem
16th Nov 17 - Came out to myself
7th Jan 18 - Came out to wife
31st Jan 18 - Referred to GIC / might be seen in 2020
Oct 18 - Fully out at one job, part out at another
Nov 18 - Out to close family

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