Author Topic: How did you finally realize/accept you are transgender?  (Read 3040 times)

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Offline Kendra

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Re: How did you finally realize/accept you are transgender?
« Reply #40 on: March 09, 2018, 01:00:18 am »
BobbieAnn what you just posted is incredible.  Reading that gave me goosebumps - seriously.
Assigned male at birth 1963.  Decided I wanted to be a girl in 1971.  Laser 2014-16, electrolysis 2015-17, HRT 7/2017, GCS 1/2018, VFS 3/2018, FFS 5/2018, GCS-2 & BA 7/2018. 

Offline Bobbie LeAnn

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Re: How did you finally realize/accept you are transgender?
« Reply #41 on: March 09, 2018, 01:45:38 am »
BobbieAnn what you just posted is incredible.  Reading that gave me goosebumps - seriously.

Thank you Kendra.
It was hard to write. I had to stop many times to wipe away tears. Sometime the hardest things for us to do are the most needed to heal the soul.




Love
Bobbie LeAnn







Offline Kokoro

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Re: How did you finally realize/accept you are transgender?
« Reply #42 on: March 10, 2018, 08:54:31 am »
The 'oddness' for me came around 10 or 11 years old. I started crossdressing and felt like a freak for enjoying it so much. I'd have dreams of being a girl, and would sometimes pray to God (despite being agnostic!) that I would wake up in the morning a girl with no social repercussions. That's how unhinged I was at the time. Things happened at school, and long story short people found out and was bullied for it for the final year or two of school.

I still knew nothing about what I was. I had seen Jerry Springer during my early teenage years of which he had many transgender guests but it never clicked that I was one. I had developed interanalised trans-phobia. 

Like so many who have already posted, I tried my best to be 'the man', taking up stereotypical male jobs that my father and grandfathers had done in attempt to rid myself of my perverted urges. What had actually happened was that I had developed a heavy depression and severe anxiety. At one point I couldn't bring myself to leave the house for nearly 2 weeks.

At the age of 21 my mother finally took me to the doctor despite my protests. He set me up with a counselor who after almost a year of wrangling manged to get my talking about my crossdressing. I very slowly, and very cautiously started exploring these feelings. Eventually the counselor asked if I felt I was a girl. That's when a little glimmer of hope appeared. Could this be the answer? I was still hesitant but agreed to be referred to a gender identity clinic.

I waited a whole 18 months to be seen. During this time nothing had changed in myself apart from a mild curiosity that this might make me better. As the date of my first appointment neared I began to research more and more on the subject. I became to like what I was seeing, but only really as an end to the depression and anxiety I had.

By this point I'd quit my job, gone back to college and got some A-levels and was looking to go to Uni in the September. I had built up in my head this new life for myself as a woman. As final exams approached my depression was taking a serious toll on me and I asked my doctor for some anti-depressants to tide me over. BIG MISTAKE.

I'm sure many on here have had anti-depressants at some point, but for those that don't know they essentially calm the violent mood swings of depression. Although things stop going from extreme elation to being almost suicidal, the knock-on effect is you don't feel anything. It's very difficult to get happy or excited about anything, but you no longer feel intense dread and fear. They are a double edged sword that I wouldn't recommend to anybody except under very dire circumstances. Anyway, back to my point...

Because I now had the emotion dulling effects of anti-depressants in my system my enthusiasm for HRT and transition had greatly diminished, though I still wanted it. However as I went through the therapy with the psychologist she actually manged to convince me I was not transgender and only a crossdresser. At the time I sort of accepted it cause, y'know? They are medically trained proeffesionals and have years of experience on these things.

So for my time through Uni I treated my obsessions with things femmine as a perverted fetish, despite very rarely actually doing anything transgender or crossdressing related. There were a couple of times I dressed up as a girl for Halloween parties but I never fully gave myself over. It was fun, and I enjoyed wearing the clothes but I was still a guy at a party, and everyone knew it. I did get mistaken for an actual girl at the time twice one particular Halloween which today would make me elated, but at the time was merely amusing. Even I didn't realise at the time and it was my friend that had to point it out to me. That's just how disconnected from being transgender I was then.

Uni ended with little fanfare and after doing another stint in 'generic male industry #552' again, the following March I flew out to work in Japan. Shortly after leaving Uni I demanded my doctor take me off anti-depressants as I had worries about being able to get the medication in Japan. My first 6 or 7 months in Japan were fantastic and helped to counteract the effects of withdrawal symptoms.

Thankfully I came out the other end with no anti-depressant dependency and no depression! However, something else had returned - my gender dysphoria. This was the first time I was able to clearly and thoughtfully analyse the feelings I was having. I rationalised that I was likely 95% transgender. The flicker of light had come back.

Still, fears of how family might respond put me off the idea of transitioning. Luckily, a chance was coming up. I'd become dissatisfied with my job in Japan and the culture had turned from a novelty to a chore. I wanted to move back to the UK. It was around this time I read about a salon in Tokyo that caters to crossdressers, MtF and FtM as well as doing general makeovers for cis-gendered people. I wrestled with the idea of having a session with them. After nearly 3 months of indecision I decided to give it a go. I was leaving Japan soon anyway, so I thought 'why not?'

When I got there I was a little timid about the experience but both girls were very kind and welcoming. They asked me for ideas for clothing and hairstyles to which I gave vague answers of 'first date, work-wear and something fun'. I put on the first outfit, a yellow flowery dress and sat in the makeup chair. I honestly don't remember what I looked like in the dress before she applied the makeup. After about 15mins she said it was time for the wig and told me to close my eyes.

When I opened my eyes my brain tried it's hardest to understand what it was seeing. A rush of excitement came ovr me and I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I liked it, but something about it made me uncomfortable. Upon reflection I've come to the conclusion that I looked very much like my mother, albeit much younger, right down to the hair colour and style she used to wear. We did some photo's but although I was having fun I still hadn't had my light bulb moment. We changed hairstyles and took more photos in that outfit, but I'd subconsciously made the connection and couldn't settle. So we tried the next outfit.

It was the simplest of simple office attire. A white button blouse and black skirt. I closed my eyes again for the wig. I'd asked for a different colour that more closely matched my actual hair colour. I opened my eyes...

And saw myself for the very first time.

Aside from a slow smile creeping up my face I couldn't think, I couldn't feel, I was just mesmerised. While this reveal was happening one of the ladies was taking photos of me. After half a dozen snaps she turned the LCD screen towards me to show the pictures. I had to fight back the tears and several manged to escape. I couldn't believe what I was seeing was actually me, this huge, lumbering, ape of a man had become a shockingly feminine and pretty woman.

This was my light bulb moment and it will live forever with me for eternity.

I told them, in my broken Japanese, that this was how I saw myself in my heart. They asked what my name was. The one I gave was one I used on and off throughout the years, but for the rest of the session that is what they called me. After some more photos and a couple more tears I explained to them how one of my biggest fears was that I wouldn't look anything like a woman. Their response was 'But <name>, you ARE a lady!'. That made me tear up even more and filled me with such joy. One issue I've wrestled with has been a dislike of the word woman. I prefer girl, but I'm getting older and can't get away with that anymore. But to be called a lady... I was over the moon!

The final outfit was a bit more fun, an actual costume if you will.  I stopped seeing myself as a man, but as a cheeky lady and had a lot of fun. Over the final 30mins of the session, my mannerisms noticeably changed, my voice started to climb higher and I was walking more ladylike.

Eventually it all had to come to an end, and I will be eternal thankful to those two ladies that showed to me what I was on the inside. The train-ride home gave me plenty of time to think things over. I had a decision to make. That was a week ago.

The following days I was on a high and although that has abated mostly, my decision hasn't changed. I MUST transition when I return to the UK. I have booked 2 more appointments at this salon before I leave Japan as I want to give my new identity as much energy and positive reinforcement as possible, and also to give the salon more custom as a kind of thank-you.


My light bulb is very truly burning brightly.

Offline Kendra

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Re: How did you finally realize/accept you are transgender?
« Reply #43 on: March 10, 2018, 12:41:44 pm »
> This was my light bulb moment and it will live forever with me for eternity.

I told them, in my broken Japanese, that this was how I saw myself in my heart.

Kokoro, an absolutely precious experience.  When you go back to the salon have them take photos - you don't necessarily need to share the photos, those decisions may come later.  But you will want those as a milestone in your life.  Photographs of your heart.

Kendra
Assigned male at birth 1963.  Decided I wanted to be a girl in 1971.  Laser 2014-16, electrolysis 2015-17, HRT 7/2017, GCS 1/2018, VFS 3/2018, FFS 5/2018, GCS-2 & BA 7/2018. 

Online KathyLauren

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Re: How did you finally realize/accept you are transgender?
« Reply #44 on: March 10, 2018, 05:18:28 pm »
OMG I have never bared my soul so much. I apologize for being so long winded.

Never apologize for baring your soul here.  What you shared with us was bery moving.  Thank you.

My light bulb is very truly burning brightly.

Thank you so much for sharing your story.  I had tears in my eyes reading it.  I am sure your light bulb continues to shine brightly.
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly, beginning full-time; 2017-07-10 Legal name change; 2019-02-15 Approval for GRS

Offline Sno

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Re: How did you finally realize/accept you are transgender?
« Reply #45 on: March 10, 2018, 05:52:07 pm »
My realisation was, the rest of my life from what I could remember, suddenly made sense. It’s was after a home invasion incident when I physically caught the perpetrator (that rascally rabbit did get away though, until the police caught up with him...). My inward spiral started, because it didn’t make sense, why did I feel so appalled at what everyone around was telling me I should be proud of.? I should’ve been absolutely full of myself, for attempting to protect my family in the face of very real danger, and for holding it together enough for there to be sufficient material evidence for the police to make the conviction. Instead I was disgusted, and every word of praise brought about a further round of internal admonition, and the spiral worsened.

That was, until I asked myself what was it that was bothering me most about that praise. I realised that it was an expectation of men - cold rage into battle against a foe unknown that had dared to compromise our defences. My realisation very shortly after was that my disgust with myself was from internal societal expectations of how I should behave, and address the world was as female (how much so, I’ll never be certain) - and in those circumstances I had had to behave like a man. Totally out of character, totally dissonant, and it just made sense.

Through that changed world view, I looked back into the fragments of memories, and yes, the signs were there and it made sense. All of it made sense. And that ran into internalised transphobia and terrible triggering of historic trauma. The spiral then became a crash.

And that’s where I am right now, in therapy, on drugs, knowing that every single step of transition would be hugely triggering, and the thought of it alone, quite overwhelming. Trying to be invisible.

Rowan

Offline Kokoro

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Re: How did you finally realize/accept you are transgender?
« Reply #46 on: March 10, 2018, 07:45:23 pm »
Kathy, Kendra, thank you so much for your kind words.

I have the photo's from the first session and would love to share them, but forum restrictions mean I can't... yet. I already know the perfect one for my avatar.

And that’s where I am right now, in therapy, on drugs, knowing that every single step of transition would be hugely triggering, and the thought of it alone, quite overwhelming. Trying to be invisible.

Rowan

Rowan, any difficulties, any problems, no mater how small or petty they may seem, please come and share them with us. We are here for each other and will help you get through your transition. You are far from alone!

Offline Kylo

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Re: How did you finally realize/accept you are transgender?
« Reply #47 on: March 10, 2018, 07:46:21 pm »
My realisation was, the rest of my life from what I could remember, suddenly made sense. It’s was after a home invasion incident when I physically caught the perpetrator (that rascally rabbit did get away though, until the police caught up with him...). My inward spiral started, because it didn’t make sense, why did I feel so appalled at what everyone around was telling me I should be proud of.? I should’ve been absolutely full of myself, for attempting to protect my family in the face of very real danger, and for holding it together enough for there to be sufficient material evidence for the police to make the conviction. Instead I was disgusted, and every word of praise brought about a further round of internal admonition, and the spiral worsened.

You felt bad that people were expecting you to defend your property, or that it's bad people expect men to do that and not women, or just that you're supposed to feel good as a man about it?

On the opposite end, I'd had home invasion scenarios myself and I was all but happy to kick someone's arse for daring to try cleaning us out, and of course you don't get any praise for doing that if they think you're a woman. In fact they think you're a weirdo for even wanting to act in a dangerous situation. Same with defending your person, which I've also had to do. People are horrified if you do happen to show an aggressive side underneath a female exterior. The worst thing is having a lecture from someone about keeping yourself safe when they were nowhere to be seen when it mattered anyway.

Honestly I think it's only natural for anybody, man or woman, to want to defend their own person and/or possessions. Of course I wouldn't expect my mother or sister to go charging off into a dark house in front of me if we were being robbed, because their instincts aren't to do that. It makes more sense for someone who's more confident and with more experience or physical strength to go first. But still, I don't see why it's a hugely gendered issue. I remember my mother once was in the house alone by herself when I was at school and she actually had an argument with a man trying to break into one of the bedroom windows. Rather than antagonize the guy directly, she told him she was going to leave the room and give him 5 minutes to get lost before calling the police, and he did. But at the time I thought it was incredibly ballsy of her, given the neighborhood we lived in and the sort of junkies that used to break in. I was really proud of her for telling him to sod off, and doing it in a clever way that meant she didn't end up having to confront him anyway. If that was me, I'd have been daring him to come in and get a taste of an axe or something. So I praised her a lot for outsmarting him and making it so we didn't have to deal with yet another break in. I don't think she cared either way about the praise. . . 
"If the freedom of speech is taken away, then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter."

Offline Sno

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Re: How did you finally realize/accept you are transgender?
« Reply #48 on: March 11, 2018, 08:17:55 pm »
Hi Kylo,

It was spoken that it was the manly thing to have done, any man would do that for their family etc etc.

At that point, still reeling from the shock, I understood and realised that the world saw and equated me as man, and I did not.

That was the dissonance, if that makes sense.

Rowan





Online Chloe

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Re: How did you finally realize/accept you are transgender?
« Reply #49 on: March 13, 2018, 10:03:17 am »
For me it was the gay friend advances how much I enjoyed them despite the fact was attracted to everything feminine, kwew for certain wasn't "that way" myself.

After suffering through bad relationshipa all through HS finally gave in about 20 or so when I started on premarian. Lol boyfriend noticed almost immediately and did not like results.

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"But it's no use now," thought poor Alice, "to pretend be two people!
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Online Chloe

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Re: How did you finally realize/accept you are transgender?
« Reply #50 on: March 13, 2018, 10:38:20 am »


. Lol boyfriend noticed almost immediately and did not like results.
It was more like euphoria than dysphoria and his displeasure was all the greater!


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Offline Laurel D

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Re: How did you finally realize/accept you are transgender?
« Reply #51 on: March 15, 2018, 07:32:42 pm »
All my life I thought there was something wrong with me. I never heard of "Transgender" or "transsexual" people except when people made some stupid joke about them. I never thought I was one of them. I just seen myself as a broken freak who never fit in.
There has been a conflict raging inside of me all my life. I always felt like I was living in the wrong body. I liked everything to do with being a girl. I hated my male self.
I made up for it by being a tough guy, someone you did not want to cross. Like I said I thought there was something wrong with me. Something to be ashamed of, something that really should be put down like an aging dog. I have tried to kill myself so many times I can't count them.
I even know what it feels and sounds like to hear a loaded gun click with the muzzle in my mouth(only to have it misfire). Each and every time I failed and that made it worse knowing I couldn't even do that one thing right.
The last straw was almost 2 years or so ago. I just gave up. I gave up caring, I gave up eating, I wanted to just go to sleep and never wake back up.
 I lost a lot of weight. I got down to around 60 pounds and had lost all appetite and mostly drank water. I don't know why or what led me here but I was just sitting at my computer and ran across this forum. I started to read about what "Transgenderism" was and a light snapped on in my head (could I be?). I really couldn't believe what I was reading.
I then started reading everything I could find on the subject.
Then one night I'm watching the TLC channel and a show comes on called "I am Jazz". OMG that brave, wonderful little girl put into words what I never could and opened my eyes. I think I cried harder than I ever have that day when the realization sank in that I wasn't a freak. I might be fixable, there might be hope.
I found a Doctor in Memphis at a place called "CHOICES - Memphis Center For Reproductive Health" and set up an appointment.
She asked questions about things you wouldn't believe and had me come back in 1 month. She handed me a "Informed consent" paper about HRT and told me to read it and think real hard about starting HRT and if I still wanted it to sign the paper and give it to her when I returned in a month.
Needless to say that was the longest month in my life.  I read up on and fully understood the pros and cons of HRT and decided it was what I needed. I knew it would be hard to start life over as a woman especially at 60 yrs old but if it brought me happiness even if for a few days, months, or whatever time I have left on this earth then I was all for it. I went back a month later and handed her the signed paper.
She took all kinds of blood tests and even some I never heard of and handed me a couple prescription papers to have filled for spironolactone and estradiol. I was ecstatic to say the least. I couldn't wait to get home to get the prescriptions filled. I remember running into the prescription shop waving my prescriptions like a victory flag lol. I went shopping after that for womens clothes and threw away all my "male" clothes and have been living as a woman ever since.
I know I will never be good looking and don't really care. I didn't do it because I found some sexual thrill in it. That was not what this was about. This was about repairing a birth defect that happened at birth. This was about saving my life. I would give anything to have known about this years ago. Maybe things would have been better. But you know what? I am not going to sit here and worry about the past or what might have been.
I am finally living my life my way and I am damn happy. Yes for the first time in my life I can honestly say "I am happy". Each day is now a blessing not a curse. It's my wish and prayer that everyone who comes to this forum seeking help finds the peace and happiness I have found. I am so glad this isn't real paper because you would not be able to read it from all the tears that have fallen on it while typing it. I don't cry from sadness any longer. I cry from happiness now and that makes all the difference.

OMG I have never bared my soul so much. I apologize for being so long winded.





Love
Bobbie LeAnn
This nearly made me cry. I can relate a lot to this. Thank you for posting this.


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Offline MaryT

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Re: How did you finally realize/accept you are transgender?
« Reply #52 on: July 02, 2018, 08:44:03 am »
When I was about four, my mother told me that I couldn't be called Mary because I was a boy (she knew that because of my teeth).  I was sure that she was mistaken but I wouldn't call it a realisation that I was transgender (not that I would have known what it meant).  Rather, I just felt that my boy's hair and clothes were not for me.  I sometimes cried in the barbershop and I liked to walk around naked except for my mother's headscarf and, sometimes, a towel worn like a dress.  I didn't regard my willy as a problem as I presumed that girls had them too.

When I was eight, finally realising my ignorance, my mother told me that women don't have willies.  Perhaps that was my transgender moment, although the word didn't exist then.  (I now think that the Playboy mag that appeared in the spare room with my toys was intended as sex education, and was not left there by mistake as I presumed for many years.  I didn't learn much from a 1964 issue, though.)  I was in shock when I realised that I had the body of a boy.  I tried to "get with the programme" but I couldn't help myself and kept putting on my mother's clothes and sometimes make-up, futile as it felt.

I was twelve when I read an article about April Ashley.  I realised that I was like her, so perhaps that was the moment of realisation, although the only word then was "transsexual".  I sometimes cross-dressed in public but I was sometimes recognised.  When I was about twenty, I was sent to a psychiatrist.  He pushed me into admitting that I was "homosexual", after which he seemed quite satisfied and I didn't have to see him anymore.  (I am 62 and have never had sex with a man, nor successful sex with a woman.)  At least I wasn't sent to an institution, which is what I feared would happen (I had heard my parents discussing the subject).  That's why I didn't tell him I wanted a sex change, as I was sure that my parents would have me committed rather than accept that.

Things might have been different if I had grown up in a different time and place.  Public cross-dressing was equated with homosexuality and there were laws against homosexuality; SRS cost more than most people earned in years; I didn't know anyone like me; even my beloved mother said that she despised me; there were no hijra or ladyboy communities to run away to and I didn't know of any brothels or pimps (not that I would have realised that they might employ cross-dressers). 

I did sometimes think about suicide, of course (what trans person doesn't).  I once read about a trans woman in the country where I was living.  She was working in sheltered employment for people considered mentally deficient but she did exist so, perhaps, it could be argued that I didn't try hard enough to transition.  I certainly tried hard to seem like a man at work (without success, I think, as colleagues called me "Nana" or "mother").  Like cis women, though, I had dreams of other things besides being a woman, and they would not have been fulfilled by working in sheltered employment or living in an institution.  I liked to spend my free time in lonely wild places where I could commune with nature, watch wildlife and wear women's clothes and make-up without being assaulted or arrested.  I moved to Britain with the intention of transitioning permanently but instead I moved in with and cared for my mother.  She's dead now and my wardrobe is becoming more feminine.  I'm old now, though, so I often feel that nothing matters anymore.

Yes, the moment at age eight, when I learned that I had the wrong body as well as the wrong clothes and hair, was probably the "transgender" epiphany.  When did I come to terms with it?  Probably never.





Offline Doreen

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Re: How did you finally realize/accept you are transgender?
« Reply #53 on: July 02, 2018, 08:47:13 am »
I never accepted I was trans. I'm female.. with a back history and 'complications'..   I've had some similar experiences and can certainly empathize, however. :)

Offline DeniseGrace

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Re: How did you finally realize/accept you are transgender?
« Reply #54 on: July 03, 2018, 11:29:25 am »
This really hard to pinpoint. I was raised from a young age in a house with 4 women and myself. That may have something to do with it. I'm unsure. I played with dolls and enjoyed it, you know Barbie, Ken, etc.  also played baseball and football with the neighborhood boys, but was just as content playing with dolls.

I took some "heat" in grade school about dolls, though at the time it was "action figures" like G.I Joe. The comments rolled off.

I always enjoyed female company more so than male. Same though high school and college. I did date a lot of women but mainly I was attracted to the femininity. I was always jealous of the great clothes and styles a woman could pull off.

I didn't start dressing until maybe 3-4 years after marriage. My OWN clothes, never theirs.

This may sound bizarre or perverted. I was actually rather naive at the time. I didn't know anything about transgender. I went to an adult book store and saw my first (apologies for any offense) "shemale" videos. I was immediately and forever smitten. I WANT to be like them! Not to be confusing, I didn't want to be a caricature of part male, part female. I just never knew before that anything like transition was a reality. Told you I was naive. The best of both worlds in my opinion. I didn't want to be the dominant woman, but I desired to be like them - on my own terms.

So it was like a validation of long held feelings. It's still taken me a number of years to progress to where I am today. For a variety of reasons. And I've gone through the binge on clothes, etc, etc., throwing them away and buying again all over.

I feel like I'm in a good place today

« Last Edit: July 03, 2018, 01:55:34 pm by DeniseGrace »

Offline SarahM777

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Re: How did you finally realize/accept you are transgender?
« Reply #55 on: July 05, 2018, 09:06:00 pm »
I knew for a long time that I was not a typical "boy" if you will. I wanted to be with the girls but for a long time I couldn't
understand why they didn't like me and thought I was weird and I had nothing in common with the boys. The girls always got to do the fun stuff and I wondered why I had to do that boy stuff that I didn't like doing. The reality would hit in high school when everyone else was going through puberty and I was seeing all these guys change and I was like I don't go through that. (I think the worst one was when they had doing wrestling and one of the guys had a full beard and was very hairy and very sweaty) It was like EEEEEWWWWWWW please not me I don't want to look like that. (I wanted to be soft and squishy in all the right places. (Thankfully I went through puberty very late and I never bulked up or had a lot of body hair and a very low sex drive)


I would have dreams about a mad scientist doing experiments and he would do entire transplants and I would be fine with that. Or the Doctor Who type of regeneration.

The reason it took so long to accept it though is a whole other matter. Because I was raised up in Lutheran school I was taught it was wrong. I was taught we had to overcome it by prayer and picking up ones cross. I buried it and fought it for years till I couldn't do it anymore. I tried to do the manly stuff but I just couldn't do it. (I was so bad at it
that most people had me clocked within minutes of meeting me.) It six solid months of working through some issues through both prayer and counseling first before all that was left was I was and there was nothing wrong with me other then I have this body that feels like I am wearing a costume that I can never take off. Once I was able to accept the fact that I was and there was nothing wrong with it, it gave me the peace I needed to go from there.

Answers are easy. It's asking the right questions which is hard.

Be positive in the fact that there is always one person in a worse situation then you.

The Fourth Doctor

Offline AlexanderDS

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Re: How did you finally realize/accept you are transgender?
« Reply #56 on: July 22, 2018, 02:27:31 am »
Nearly 7 years ago. My best friend - who isn't in my life anymore now because they're a beeping beep - had written a little story about me and my crush at the time. They'd described me as having a flat chest - and it all just clicked. I knew right then that's who I really am: a man. (didn't mean to have that sound like a song so much)

Before that, I strangely had the notion I was a woman with a penis? The thing is, I could actually feel my penis, and I was very much into Glee fanfiction at the time which had a large portion of futanari fics. In hindsight, it's pretty hilarious that I could feel my penis and still didn't think to myself hey, maybe this means I'm a guy. Especially if I look at all the clues in my childhood.

Offline alex82

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Re: How did you finally realize/accept you are transgender?
« Reply #57 on: August 10, 2018, 02:10:44 pm »
Three horrible moments, filled with degrees of realisation, stand out as defining. Each time, I was fully aware of what and why my reaction was as it was.

Watching a documentary as a kid, and a trans woman was walking along a beach in stilettos. Obviously she was having difficulty as anyone would walking in them across a beach, and it detracted from the story she was telling. Everyone laughed (not at her being trans, I remember that being discussed sympathetically) including me, because it did look ridiculous. But I had a tough time sleeping that night. Got over it.

Being maybe 10. Boys and girls told we would be divided after lunch. Girls scheduled for a period talk with a nurse. Boys told to mind their own business and given an extra hour immediately after lunch to play football. That was very traumatic, the first time I'd ever felt excluded from my friends, and a very aimless hour in the playground, having as much of an existential crisis as a 10 year old can. Some of the boys I was friends with, and happily played with in mixed groups, but I wandered around on my own instead feeling completely excluded from something. Sort of got over it.

Watching a soap opera as a teenager where a storyline was introduced. A woman told a man she was born a boy. It was like a car crash happened in my mind. I felt physically sick, was seriously depressed for the rest of the year, bargained with myself that if I could get to 20, then I could get to 30' etc. Fell out with a good friend who never spoke to me again because I just completely ignored her from that point on, and got horrific exam results. Never really got over it because the depression was so deep, and most frighteningly it was induced in an instant. I longed for it to be 1997 again, because it was the year before, and it was a great year. For that reason 1997 remains glorious. My final 'free' year that didn't involve any of this shit in an ongoing way.


Offline EllaBlaze

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Re: How did you finally realize/accept you are transgender?
« Reply #58 on: August 10, 2018, 10:39:22 pm »
I first posted on this forum 3 years ago that was when I accepted myself.  However to this present day I still live my life as my birth gender. Its only very recently I've started dressing up when my family leave the house. I feel alot more like my real self when im wearing the right clothes that match my true identity.

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