Author Topic: Should I transition or stay closeted for my life?  (Read 718 times)

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Offline stmoraza

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Should I transition or stay closeted for my life?
« on: April 17, 2018, 11:06:28 am »
Hi all,

I am a 23-year-old biological male who has been experiencing a strong desire/inclination/wish/whatever to become a female both biologically and socially. I am questioning whether I "truly" should transition or not. Described differently, I am questioning whether I am merely a "crossdreamer" (I know that this is somewhat not appropriate a word but I think it's reasonable to describe my case) who has some whimsical misaligned desires and does not "truly" want to become a woman. My situations are described as following: (Sorry for some explicit wording, but I think I must write accurately)

1. I am sexually, romantically attracted almost exclusive to women. I have only dated girls. Occasionally I have had sexual fantasies with men but they do not seem so "concrete" and "constant".

2. I do have a somewhat "effete" and mild personality compared to most men, and I dislike most "stereotypically masculine" personality traits. But my personality is not that "feminine" either.

3. My friends are mostly men. I have some female friends but we do not seem to have that close friendships, and we do not seem to share many interests.

4. I had a history of crossdressing, with sexual arousals. There was a time when I could be turned on by wearing female underwears. At that time my transsexual inclination always dispersed after sexual satisfaction. I was convinced then that I should not transition and these were all caused by sexual arousals. But such situation has developed to the extent that my transsexual inclination does not disperse even after sexual satisfaction.

5. I am jealous of females' bodies. Every time I see them I feel jealous that they can reside in so aesthetic a body. I hate the fact that I have such a large head, wide shoulder and masculine voice. I hate living in a man's body.

6. But I admit that I may not "fit in" that much as a woman, since I do not have many feminine personality traits.

7. My life as a male has been hitherto smooth. I have many friends and I have presented among them as a heterosexual male. I fear that I would be seen as a "pervert" or "weirdo" by them. I am living in the US but originally from another country, and most of my friends are from my country. They may not be as liberal as most American youths in blue states.

What do you think I should do? Throughout the years I have always been convinced by the idea that I am merely transvestile. I have read many sites, including Lynn Conway's, that tells me that a transvestile, or anyone who is heterosexual (according to biological sex) and feels sexually aroused by the idea of becoming the opposite sex should never transition, since their sex drive would vanish and they would definitely regret after their sex drive vanishes. But I have taken hormones for three months and my sex drive has vanished to almost zero, yet my gender dysphoria does not disperse. What are your suggestions?

Offline KathyLauren

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Re: Should I transition or stay closeted for my life?
« Reply #1 on: April 17, 2018, 11:15:57 am »
Your story does not sound that unusual.  Many of us here have similar backgrounds.

No one can tell you if you should transition or not.  That is a decision only you can make.  With what you have described, there is a good chance that you are transgender.  But that is only my untrained opinion.  I would recommend getting a more professional opinion by going to see a gender therapist.

One thing about dysphoria is that it tends to get worse with the passage of time.  When I was at the stage you are at, I was in my early 40s.  I let it slide for 20 years, but eventually, the dysphoria caught up to me.  I transitioned at age 62.
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly, beginning full-time; 2017-07-10 Legal name change

Offline stmoraza

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Re: Should I transition or stay closeted for my life?
« Reply #2 on: April 17, 2018, 01:41:37 pm »
Thank you for your answer! I think that I may have some internal transphobia towards myself and have always been stigmatizing myself.... I have read many stories of transgender people. They have gender nonconforming behaviors early in their years and they are usually homosexual according to their sex assigned at birth (or heterosexual according to their identified gender) or bisexual. Throughout the years I have always been convinced by the idea that only they are "truly" transgender and I am merely having abnormal sexual arousals... I honestly stigmatized my gender dysphoria for a long time... But the dysphoria has developed to a really intense degree and I begin to feel depressed.

Also I have had little problem socially presenting myself as a man, despite that some people told me that I am somewhat "gay-ish". This is what I am concerned. I fear that I might be seen as a pervert by previous acquaintances...

How has your life been since transitioning? Are you feeling better than before both socially and internally?

Offline NancyBalik

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Re: Should I transition or stay closeted for my life?
« Reply #3 on: April 17, 2018, 01:42:43 pm »
I very much identify with much of what you describe (except I am 2nd generation in U.S.).  When I was your age, there was no internet, so I had virtually no information about people who felt like me (I did find some literature on trasvestites and transsexuals in the college library), and I was already married.  I mistakenly believed that my fantasies about being a woman and my desire to dress in women’s clothes would go away when I had an active and willing sex partner.  Wrong!  It got worse when I was suddenly sharing a closet and dresser full of female clothes! 

Don’t confuse gender identity with sexual identity and arousal.  And give yourself time to sort this out.  Experiment.  And—don’t proceed with a romantic relationship without being upfront about this.  (Because I was ashamed and in denial I kept it from her for a long time, and when I did come out to her, it didn’t go well.) My guess is that you will figure out where you are on the transgender continuum—you are on it, that much is clear.

It took me many years to understand and accept that I am “more than a cross dresser” and that I am actually transgender even though I have decided to remain in the closet, married, and presenting as male (for a variety of reasons).  If I understood and accepted myself before I got married and became a father, and it was 2018 rather than the 70’s, I might have made a different decision.  But, I’ll never know.  Give yourself time and hopefully find a gender therapist who can talk it through with you.  Nancy

Offline NancyBalik

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Re: Should I transition or stay closeted for my life?
« Reply #4 on: April 17, 2018, 01:51:15 pm »
BTW, I have many male friends, was an athlete, and would be considered as presenting rather “macho” in day-to-day attire and presentation.  My friends would be shocked to discover that I am always wearing panties and most often also a cami or bra.  And, as far as my sexual identity, I’m attracted to women.  Nancy

Offline KathyLauren

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Re: Should I transition or stay closeted for my life?
« Reply #5 on: April 17, 2018, 02:05:51 pm »
they are usually homosexual according to their sex assigned at birth (or heterosexual according to their identified gender) or bisexual.
Don't believe everything you read.  There is no "usually".  Many of us, perhaps most - no one has counted - were heterosexual prior to transition and homosexual after transition.  I am, for one.

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How has your life been since transitioning? Are you feeling better than before both socially and internally?
There is no comparison!  I feel infinitely better in all respects.  It was definitely the right thing for me to do.
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly, beginning full-time; 2017-07-10 Legal name change

Offline stmoraza

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Re: Should I transition or stay closeted for my life?
« Reply #6 on: April 17, 2018, 02:32:06 pm »
Quote
Don't believe everything you read.  There is no "usually".  Many of us, perhaps most - no one has counted - were heterosexual prior to transition and homosexual after transition.  I am, for one.

Does "homosexual" mean "attracted to female" or "attracted to male" in the case of MtF? It has been quite different in the MtF community in my country, where most of us seem to be bisexual/pansexual while very few are strictly monosexual.


Offline I Am Jess

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Re: Should I transition or stay closeted for my life?
« Reply #7 on: April 17, 2018, 03:08:09 pm »
I think that I may have some internal transphobia towards myself and have always been stigmatizing myself.... I have read many stories of transgender people. They have gender nonconforming behaviors early in their years and they are usually homosexual according to their sex assigned at birth (or heterosexual according to their identified gender) or bisexual. Throughout the years I have always been convinced by the idea that only they are "truly" transgender and I am merely having abnormal sexual arousals... I honestly stigmatized my gender dysphoria for a long time... But the dysphoria has developed to a really intense degree and I begin to feel depressed.

How has your life been since transitioning? Are you feeling better than before both socially and internally?

I thought that I may have been a sexual deviant because I felt so good those rare times I let my dysphoria get out of control and I had to dress.  I was ashamed of those feelings because I thought they were wrong.  I fought most of my life against them.  When they finally came flooding out at the end of 2014 and I finally did some research and discovered I was really trans it was like a huge burden was lifted off me.  I was never sexually attracted to guys until I was a year and a half into transition and as I became more and more female in appearance my attraction switched.  I was married for 23 years and I have 5 children from the time I was hiding from myself. 

Since I transitioned my life has been so much better.  I'm not having to live a pretend life.  I am no longer depressed most of the time.  Thoughts of wanting to be dead have disappeared.  I finally have close friends who I can share life with.  I am so much happier.  I didn't think that I would be able to pass.  For the most part I now do but I still let most everyone know I'm trans because I am very proud of what I have accomplished.

Only you can truly know what path you need to take.  Getting the help of a gender therapist who is experienced in helping trans patients can go a long way towards you exploring your feelings and deciding what is an appropriate path for yourself. 
Follow my life's adventures on Instagram - @jessieleeannmcgrath

Offline KathyLauren

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Re: Should I transition or stay closeted for my life?
« Reply #8 on: April 17, 2018, 08:08:33 pm »
Does "homosexual" mean "attracted to female" or "attracted to male" in the case of MtF? It has been quite different in the MtF community in my country, where most of us seem to be bisexual/pansexual while very few are strictly monosexual.
When I thought I was male, I considered myself heterosexual, because I was attracted exclusively to women.  Now that I know I am a woman, I consider myself homosexual, because I am (still) attracted exclusively to women.  In hindsight, I realize that I was always a lesbian, but it is a little weird for a person who thinks he is a man to consider himself to be a lesbian.
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly, beginning full-time; 2017-07-10 Legal name change

Offline ReplacementSarah

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Re: Should I transition or stay closeted for my life?
« Reply #9 on: April 17, 2018, 08:34:29 pm »
They have gender nonconforming behaviors early in their years and they are usually homosexual according to their sex assigned at birth (or heterosexual according to their identified gender) or bisexual.

I can only speak for myself, but until I recently discovered I was transgender, I believed myself to be a heterosexual male.

Offline krobinson103

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Re: Should I transition or stay closeted for my life?
« Reply #10 on: April 17, 2018, 09:52:07 pm »
I've always known I'm bi with a leaning towards preferring men. I've also always known I was trans just wasn't ready to accept that part for 30 years. As for life now? 1000% better in all respects except the fairly high chance of the marriage ending.
Every day is a totally awesome day
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Every fear faced leads to one more strength
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Success leads to self esteem
Self Esteem leads to happiness.
Cherish every day.

Offline pamelatransuk

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Re: Should I transition or stay closeted for my life?
« Reply #11 on: April 18, 2018, 07:40:12 am »
Hello Stmoraza

I like many others on Susans spent 62 years closeted although I always knew I was trans. I am virtually asexual with a minor romantic attraction towards women.

I firmly believe as do most professionals today that gender identity and sexual orientation are two separate subjects. My opinion based on reading on this forum and from other sources is that the asexual and lesbian MTF transgenders outnumber the straight or bi MTF transgenders. However I also agree with Jess that sexual orientation can change on transition.

I believe you are transgender and agree that you should explore further with a gender therapist.

You are young. Do not stay closeted any longer than you have to. It is depressing and painful. As you can see, I started HRT just 10 weeks ago and am already seeing the emotional benefits. I intend to transition when I see some physical benefits.

I wish you every success on your journey.

Pamela



Offline Maria77

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Re: Should I transition or stay closeted for my life?
« Reply #12 on: April 18, 2018, 03:02:18 pm »
I am going to suggest a conservative look at this issue via a therapist who specializes in lgbT issues.   Although many transpeople feel better after transitioning, some do not.  It is a hard life, especially if you don’t pass and even if you do pass.  Only you can work out what you are feeling and the nest way forward.  Work with a good therapist will help you understand where you are in the trans/lgbt spectrum.

Offline Allison S

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Re: Should I transition or stay closeted for my life?
« Reply #13 on: April 19, 2018, 03:02:03 am »
I was contemplating whether I was "trans" for years and I was so interested in the idea of going from male to female. But I just didn't think I could handle what goes with it. Well I waited, and then I realized that I actually couldn't handle repressing transitioning any longer. It's difficult still for me. I won't just wake up as a woman with all the body parts. I don't like myself right now and I haven't for a long time.

You ask "what should I do?". That's a good question but I'm not sure anyone here can ever answer that for you even if we knew you very well. I know at your age I couldn't even ask this, at the time I thought it's best to just keep it out of my mind.

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Offline Sarah77

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Re: Should I transition or stay closeted for my life?
« Reply #14 on: April 19, 2018, 01:44:50 pm »
A lot of what you describe sounds common.
The truth is life is complicated and we are complicated.

And the confusion can lead to paralysis of action.
 
I have a wife who erupts in fury then sorrow at me being trans.
She says things like how devastated my son would be if he had to deal with it.

But I am crushed when she or anyone describes me in masculine terms.

Take time with a therapist and you might just get the answers..

As for my sexual arousal it develops to know where I have a female libido and have to have an active fantasy life in my head...transference

Offline LilDevilOfPrada

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Re: Should I transition or stay closeted for my life?
« Reply #15 on: April 19, 2018, 03:34:21 pm »
Hey there, I am also 23 and I can relate to a lot of what you say.

Lets start off with the basics, your young so why panic now but really seek a therapist in the topic because if this is the route you decide on then the earlier you start the happier youll be.

I have been "trans" since I was 16 but due to life and finances and LIFE and FINANCES, I still present as male and I still have a majority male friends. This is in part because of what I studied and the career field I decided to go in which is like 80% male. However in my first degree I found many women with my interests, however women sharing interest we picked up growing up as boys are rare as society shuns these women forcing them to in essence change who they are.

Maybe I am biased I mean of course the women I meet in game design like video games etc, but people exist of all likes so this shouldn't be a reason to doubt yourself, you were after all brought up in a culture and culture is a powerful thing. Being in the closet is hard and anytime I left out my real personality my male friends describe me as weird and cringe which is proof to me they will all be left behind once I go full time. This however is not a bad thing because were young and friends are easier to come by then we believe, anyways enough on this topic.

You mention jealously! Personally I am bi but the thought of a penis near me is "meh" but when I look at a women I go "I would kill for those boobs" and at the same time yup shes got it going on haha. This jealously in essence drives my dysphoria as it something that cant really be undone but controlled through the so called "transition process". Transition was good for me but hey I was unlucky got the shoulders of a Hercules so it undermines all my growth!

So whats transition and how will it effect your life, especially if you like me and you would rather be thought as of male then get all the terrible bias that come with being trans in 2018 with all the crazy SJWs making us look like crazy people. Well small things arent really an issue, when I grew out my hair all the guys were like if you were a chick I would ****, you know typical jokes but it wont really get you much issues if you ponytail. However starting young has a chance to do what happened to me which is to get hips and this is the hardest hurdle as breast can be hidden but hips nope these cant. ALL male clothes just look wrong on me now and that both great but horrible if your trying to hide.

Sheesh I am waffling! But thats good this isnt something simple!

Now again you mention you dont have female traits and hello megan! but really what you deem as female traits are really just societal normalities picked up when growing up and you be surprised how little this matters as an adult. I have a few female friends where are more "male" then me in their actions and do you think they are outcast for it? NOPE.

How you describe your friend makes me propose just 1 question to you, can you live without them and make new ones? I mean thats what I will do its sad yes but life will be much easier for me if I dont have the trans stigma which as you describe is being seen as a "pervert". Most people particularly in recent years thanks to insane people playing professional victims along with SJWs have completely ruined the image of the trans community for modern day youth and this is a stigma that your friends will know.

Look it wont be easy but look around see how many trans people cant handle the nag anymore and end up break up families etc because they tried to ignore it rather then tackle it. I really suggest go see a therapist on the topic even just once, face it now and deal with it now so the majority of your life isnt filled with regret for which choice you make.

Feel free to pm me if you need someone your age to chat with.  :laugh:
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Offline Initama

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Re: Should I transition or stay closeted for my life?
« Reply #16 on: April 19, 2018, 04:49:47 pm »
my story is almost 100% to yours.
difference is that i always had those little thing women do, talking with hands. i remember my mother asking me if i was a sissy back then (not the exact word since it was in french). always interested in women clothes, helping my mother choses what she'll wear that night and never interested in male clothes. All changed at age 17 when i tried to man up, going to the gym, talking like a man. i was and still am a "stereotypically masculine" guy.
what's strange is that i'm a model for some of my friends, they look up to me.

i've crossdressed most my life, but not much, maybe 1/2 times a year, it gaves me sexual arousal each time but still i loved those. After that moment was over i was over with the crossdress for that day, didn't feel like it anymore. but for over the past years it has become more present in my mind, but i didn't do it more often than i used to. during that moment i wished i was a girl of course but that thinking disappeared with a few days and i was back to my normal macho life.
Just to make things clear, i'm looking like a macho, but my girlfriend always said i was a big teddy bear that just wants to cuddle.

What really opened my eyes about being transgender (despite the fact that i knew when i was a kid) was the application "faceapp" i saw what i'd look like a woman and broke down in tears. You should or shouldn't use it, it's up to you but it made things alot clearer for me.

i'm a 23 young muscular man (for now), i'm still struggling about transitionning and changing my future or staying as i am.

if you need someone to talk to, i'll be a pleasure to ! same to you LilDevilOfPrada.

Offline Daniellekai

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Re: Should I transition or stay closeted for my life?
« Reply #17 on: April 20, 2018, 04:10:04 am »
Without reading the thread, and just going off the headline because I'm tired... Closets are dark and boring... Step into the light! :P



Offline PollyQMcLovely

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Re: Should I transition or stay closeted for my life?
« Reply #18 on: April 21, 2018, 11:03:57 pm »
Don't stay closeted. Don't.

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