Author Topic: Disillusioned  (Read 339 times)

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Offline emily_98

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Disillusioned
« on: April 23, 2018, 02:22:56 am »
Hey everyone! I'm a 20-year-old transgender girl with high functioning autism.

I recently had sex reassignment surgery in March of 2017 with Dr. Satterwhite in San Francisco. I don’t have depth, actually very little. I had a complication and almost bled to death. I guess I had an allergic reaction to the antibiotics but they kept me on it even though I wouldn’t stop throwing up, I thought this was normal, after so many weeks of throwing up I woke up soaked in blood and was in so much pain. I guess my stitches busted open and I was bleeding to death. My vision got blurry when I was being rushed to the hospital and they gave me a blood infusion and then I had to get a skin graft because the skin got disconnected once the snitches busted open and it died as a result of that.

So now, Dr. Satterwhite is setting me up with Dr. Garcia at the Sinai hospital (Beverly Hills, which is in LA) for a colon vaginoplasty (to expand the depth).

Dr. Satterwhite emailed me saying:

Quote
“In regards to why you have no labia, or clitoral hood, and why everything is tight and stretched out, it’s important to understand the process of wound healing and scarring. Which is essentially my entire plastic surgery residency. But in a nutshell, you developed bleeding/hematoma, which led to significant ischemia (loss of oxygen to the tissue), then subsequent infection (first a yeast infection, then a bacterial infection called enterococcus), which led to even more tissue damage, leading to prolonged inflammation, which leads to even more tissue damage, leading to scarring and fibrosis (firm tissue) which is tough and contracted, leading to the tissue tightening up around the entire vagina, causing loss of the architecture of your vulva. You can refer to these Wikipedia articles that map out the process of wound healing and scarring.”

Perhaps, in retrospect, it won’t be that bad considering how the discharge fades from significant to small (and the smell from the discharge doesn’t have much of a scent, so I’m told) and also every vagina self-cleans, so discharge is good no? The smell of the colon is not permanent, and the vagina will return to original scent.

If all goes to plan, my last surgeries will be in 2019, and that will be facial feminization surgery.

My breast augmentation surgery is scheduled on October 10. (I’m currently a 38B. I want to be a C cup).

But what sucks for me in the meantime? Is not being able to do anything other than laying in bed or taking walks, skipping rocks while feeling like a complete loser, like a freak. Recovery sucks and waiting sucks.

Surgery date is May 23rd. It’s going to be done in two stages: First stage is he’s going to remove the vagina canal, he’s going to give me clitoral hooding, he’s going to fix my uretha, and he’s going to clean up the architectural of my labia. Essentially, he’s just going to clean me up lol. The second stage, sometime after 4 months or less depending on how I’m feeling, he’s going to reopen me and use either 6” or 8" of my colon to give me vagina depth.

I'm hoping to move to New York by mid 2019 and attend Job Corps. I'm planning on becoming a CNA! I hope to advance to LPN and then go to college to get my Associate's degree in Nursing.

However, I feel so disillusioned.

I feel like I won't ever be a girl and that it was a mistake to even transition.

I feel unworthy of love but so starved for male affection.

I feel like I won't ever be beautiful and that this is nature's way of punishing me.

Online Jessica

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Re: Disillusioned
« Reply #1 on: April 23, 2018, 02:35:13 am »
Hi Emily 🙋‍♀️ Welcome to Susan’s Place!  I’m Jessica.
I’m sorry you feel so disillusioned and unworthy.  The trials that we go through to be who we are are great and that makes us stronger with our resolve.  Please don’t feel you’ve made a mistake.  Regrets of choices we make that we know are correct can lead you back to the depression you fought you way out of.  It sounds like a resolution is in the works and hopefully will make you feel whole.
I see your new here, so I’ll post some links that may help you get better acquainted with the site. Pay attention to the site rules they can be of great help and don’t forget the link highlighted red.  It has answers to questions that are commonly asked.  Then join in on a topic you find interesting and learn and share.

Please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum to tell the members about yourself!




Things that you should read

... it's like running a car on ethanol when it's supposed to take gasoline... it'll work, but it's eventually gonna break down until you put it on the proper fuel.

Online Jessica

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Re: Disillusioned
« Reply #2 on: April 23, 2018, 02:42:06 am »
Welcome back Emily!  Hopefully you have a better experience this time.

Hugs and smiles, Jessica

... it's like running a car on ethanol when it's supposed to take gasoline... it'll work, but it's eventually gonna break down until you put it on the proper fuel.

Offline SailorMars1994

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Re: Disillusioned
« Reply #3 on: April 23, 2018, 12:43:05 pm »
Don't be so hard on yourself Emily! I am too am a high functioning autistic girl who is due for surgery any time (just have to wait for official date). You're young and I am sure you're more beautiful then you give yourself credit for. You may have more or less large amount of fear and overly self critical then anything else. You're a girl, and I bet dollars to donuts a beautiful one!
AMAB Born: March 1994
Gender became on radar: 2007
Admitted to self : 2010
Came out: May 12 2014
Estrogen: October 16 2015
<3

Offline Toni

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Re: Disillusioned
« Reply #4 on: April 23, 2018, 05:58:03 pm »
Emily, so sorry to hear of your difficulties.  No two ways about it, this is a tough journey for most of us.  Whether it's problems before, during or after transition, we all face them.  Just try to have faith that this is not of our own making and that we will be rewarded in the end for our courage and devotion to our quest to become our true selves and the best people we can possibly be.  Wish I could be there to hold your hand, but this is the best I can do and I assure you I believe every word I said.  Be patient and you'll come out of this temporary time of setbacks better than before.  Wishing you all the best and lots of positive energy.  Toni

Offline Lady Love

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Re: Disillusioned
« Reply #5 on: April 29, 2018, 12:58:47 am »
Hey everyone! I'm a 20-year-old transgender girl with high functioning autism.

I recently had sex reassignment surgery in March of 2017 with Dr. Satterwhite in San Francisco. I don’t have depth, actually very little. I had a complication and almost bled to death. I guess I had an allergic reaction to the antibiotics but they kept me on it even though I wouldn’t stop throwing up, I thought this was normal, after so many weeks of throwing up I woke up soaked in blood and was in so much pain. I guess my stitches busted open and I was bleeding to death. My vision got blurry when I was being rushed to the hospital and they gave me a blood infusion and then I had to get a skin graft because the skin got disconnected once the snitches busted open and it died as a result of that.

So now, Dr. Satterwhite is setting me up with Dr. Garcia at the Sinai hospital (Beverly Hills, which is in LA) for a colon vaginoplasty (to expand the depth).

Dr. Satterwhite emailed me saying:

Perhaps, in retrospect, it won’t be that bad considering how the discharge fades from significant to small (and the smell from the discharge doesn’t have much of a scent, so I’m told) and also every vagina self-cleans, so discharge is good no? The smell of the colon is not permanent, and the vagina will return to original scent.

If all goes to plan, my last surgeries will be in 2019, and that will be facial feminization surgery.

My breast augmentation surgery is scheduled on October 10. (I’m currently a 38B. I want to be a C cup).

But what sucks for me in the meantime? Is not being able to do anything other than laying in bed or taking walks, skipping rocks while feeling like a complete loser, like a freak. Recovery sucks and waiting sucks.

Surgery date is May 23rd. It’s going to be done in two stages: First stage is he’s going to remove the vagina canal, he’s going to give me clitoral hooding, he’s going to fix my uretha, and he’s going to clean up the architectural of my labia. Essentially, he’s just going to clean me up lol. The second stage, sometime after 4 months or less depending on how I’m feeling, he’s going to reopen me and use either 6” or 8" of my colon to give me vagina depth.

I'm hoping to move to New York by mid 2019 and attend Job Corps. I'm planning on becoming a CNA! I hope to advance to LPN and then go to college to get my Associate's degree in Nursing.

However, I feel so disillusioned.

I feel like I won't ever be a girl and that it was a mistake to even transition.

I feel unworthy of love but so starved for male affection.

I feel like I won't ever be beautiful and that this is nature's way of punishing me.
Hey emily,

My girlfriend feels stuck a lot because of her depression. She had to go to an impatient care place for her mental health and dropped out of college. That was a week ago, and she is still trying to figure iut what to do. Between having no job and being in impatient care, she had a lot of downtime that created space for her depression to do bad. She has been worried her grandmother has been judging her from beyond the grave for being trans, as she only died in December and she is still working processing that.

I know that what you are going through is clearly much worse than that. But my main point is that pain, boredom, and big life changes create hariy mental states. I'm not sure what the best thing to do would be, but find a way to do something, even if just writing or drawing or some other thing you can manage. Even just connecting with others online. I know you are going through a lot and finding an activity won't make the bad feelings disappear, but having something to occupy your time will hopefully bring your mind to the future and help you escape your current pain.

My brother is high-functioning autistic also and has a tendency to obsessively deride himself when he isn't in a good place. He started working on a video game and its improved his life a lot.

Again, I don't want to come off as misunderstanding your pain, I just want you to know that you have goals and things you are doing and there is actually quite a bright light at the end. I hope something in this helps you with your feelings, even a little, and good luck. Keep us updated <3

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