Author Topic: Feeling insecure in relationship/comparing myself to cis-girls  (Read 765 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline marssu

  • Neighbor
  • ***
  • Posts: 54
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Female
Hey people!

So have been dating my boyfriend for about 8 months. Things went really fast with us, and we are already living together. He is great and accepts me 100%. He shows me around to his family and his friends. I was with him for a week and we had a sexual relationship during that (please don't judge). I told him about my past after that week and he was okay with it after the initial shock.

However, I am an extremely insecure person because of my past (got rejected by multiple guys before). In addition to this, my boyfriend is also very insecure and he has some trust issues (he got cheated on before) but he is addressing it with a psychologist after I had huge fights with him about not trusting me and I told him that I will leave if he doesn't do anything about his issues. This shows me that he really cares about me and is willing to fight for this relationship. However, he was sometimes acting very controlling and even called me a B*tch in the middle of an argument. He was obviously sorry about it afterward, but does it make it right? no. I, however, forgave him. The reasoning for this was that I really like him but could it be that I am just settling because I am scared I won't find any better?

I am tired of almost constantly feeling like I am competing with cis girls (especially in public). He doesn't give me any reason to be insecure, except that he sometimes makes jokes about his favorite celebrity crush and occasionally looks at pretty girls when we are outside, but I guess this is normal for guys? I am even scared to look shows with him because I am scared he will find some of the pretty girls hot.

Anyway my question is, how can I make myself less insecure while in a relationship? How can I not feel "less" when we are in public and there are cis girls around us? I know he chose me in the end but it is difficult to adopt that mentality. 



Offline Alanna1990

  • Friend
  • ****
  • Posts: 170
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • Happiest Transgender
Re: Feeling insecure in relationship/comparing myself to cis-girls
« Reply #1 on: May 16, 2018, 11:56:03 am »
well you said it, He chose you, he's not giving you any reason to doubt, he's also comfortable enough to present you to his family, I think that would be enough, ...but I understand your feelings, I felt as insecure as you when I met my husband.


there'll always be fights, discussions and stuff like that, it's in our nature as humans, my only advice would be that you don't need to worry about other girls, if you put attention some cis girls look hideous, being a cis girl doesn't turn you into a supermodel just because, be confident in yourself, and think, do you really want to leave your bf? why do you think you can't find any better? why do you think you want any better than your current bf? think about your situation, the answers are always within.

Offline Charlie Nicki

  • Finally finding myself
  • *
  • Posts: 1,807
  • Reputation: +15/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Feeling insecure in relationship/comparing myself to cis-girls
« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2018, 01:13:57 pm »
Well guess what? If you were cis, he would still check other girls out lol, it's just human nature, the eyes were made to see things and men especially are very visual. I'm pretty sure you also check other guys out, since it's normal. The important thing to know is that he loves you for who you are, and as you said, has given you no reasons to doubt him. Seems to me like you're doing the exact same thing you accuse him of, not trusting.

Offline Allison S

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 2,000
  • Reputation: +10/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Feeling insecure in relationship/comparing myself to cis-girls
« Reply #3 on: May 16, 2018, 01:27:20 pm »
Well, you say he looks at cis girls. What if some of them are trans too? Just saying, you shouldn't feel inferior because you're trans. I don't actually know if that's what you meant... It seems like he didn't know you were trans and so it's likely you're passing.
If you have doubts about him then that's another topic.
Do your personalities match? Do you talk about/plan the future together? Do you feel you can openly discuss issues?

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


Offline marssu

  • Neighbor
  • ***
  • Posts: 54
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Feeling insecure in relationship/comparing myself to cis-girls
« Reply #4 on: May 16, 2018, 01:42:48 pm »
Well, you say he looks at cis girls. What if some of them are trans too? Just saying, you shouldn't feel inferior because you're trans. I don't actually know if that's what you meant... It seems like he didn't know you were trans and so it's likely you're passing.
If you have doubts about him then that's another topic.
Do your personalities match? Do you talk about/plan the future together? Do you feel you can openly discuss issues?

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

Yes, he always makes future plans with me, like marrying, buying a house etc. He is a good guy in general but I just feel insecure. I believe its normal for a trans person.

Overall we match.



Offline marssu

  • Neighbor
  • ***
  • Posts: 54
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Feeling insecure in relationship/comparing myself to cis-girls
« Reply #5 on: May 16, 2018, 01:44:03 pm »
Well guess what? If you were cis, he would still check other girls out lol, it's just human nature, the eyes were made to see things and men especially are very visual. I'm pretty sure you also check other guys out, since it's normal. The important thing to know is that he loves you for who you are, and as you said, has given you no reasons to doubt him. Seems to me like you're doing the exact same thing you accuse him of, not trusting.

I have had bad experiences with guys and that is why I have trust issues. I need to go to therapy but it is expensive for a student.



Offline marssu

  • Neighbor
  • ***
  • Posts: 54
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Feeling insecure in relationship/comparing myself to cis-girls
« Reply #6 on: May 16, 2018, 01:45:00 pm »
well you said it, He chose you, he's not giving you any reason to doubt, he's also comfortable enough to present you to his family, I think that would be enough, ...but I understand your feelings, I felt as insecure as you when I met my husband.


there'll always be fights, discussions and stuff like that, it's in our nature as humans, my only advice would be that you don't need to worry about other girls, if you put attention some cis girls look hideous, being a cis girl doesn't turn you into a supermodel just because, be confident in yourself, and think, do you really want to leave your bf? why do you think you can't find any better? why do you think you want any better than your current bf? think about your situation, the answers are always within.

Thank you! this helped.



Offline Maria77

  • *
  • Posts: 176
  • Reputation: +2/-0
Re: Feeling insecure in relationship/comparing myself to cis-girls
« Reply #7 on: May 16, 2018, 09:32:13 pm »
Many schools have counseling centers and would be glad to help you.  Give it a shot.

Offline Cassandra B

  • ***
  • Posts: 50
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Feeling insecure in relationship/comparing myself to cis-girls
« Reply #8 on: May 19, 2018, 07:34:26 am »
The only thing I can add to the above; everything you are feeling because of past rejections and relationship issues, are the same things CIS girls deal with. My CIS psudo child has the exact same fears and insecurities for similar reasons, my CIS girlfriends deal with the same kind of insecurities for similar issues, because relationships with crappy people leave their mark on us regardless of being CIS or Trans.
Of all the things you can be, being yourself is the most important.

Offline RobynD

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 1,963
  • Reputation: +12/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Feeling insecure in relationship/comparing myself to cis-girls
« Reply #9 on: May 23, 2018, 01:19:50 pm »
I'm poly so take this opinion with a grain of salt. Everyone has some insecurity and it manifests itself in completely diverse ways. Once you free yourself from the fear of rejection from romantic partners and in turn those that tend toward jealousy free themselves from the fear of losing someone, life and love becomes a lot sweeter.

I realize this is easier said then done. My strategy was fake it until you rewire your brain to undo the cultural programing and then realize how many people are out there for you. There are a lot more than you think. The paradox is when you realize and internalize this, it actually makes you more able to commit to the other person.

Why do we follow our culture's model of pairing up, based on finding "the one" and then repeatedly experience disappointment or hurt? So many people follow the same pattern: date for a short time (usually with sex), come to some sort of commitment and then become solely focused on the other person. Maybe a different model would work better?

Romantic love still consists pretty much of commitment, passion and intimacy. What makes up those things is entirely open to the people involved. The shift towards different thinking or a different model should make monogamy itself work better if that is what is desired. Just my two cents






Translady

Re: Feeling insecure in relationship/comparing myself to cis-girls
« Reply #10 on: May 26, 2018, 09:10:57 am »
There's so much about what you are describing that is just typical of men such as your partner and also typical of ladies, such as men checking out other women and their lady partners feeling insecure about it. The kool thing is that he is into you and that you are in a relationship which for most transsexuals including myself is quite rare.

Offline RobynD

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 1,963
  • Reputation: +12/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Feeling insecure in relationship/comparing myself to cis-girls
« Reply #11 on: May 27, 2018, 12:52:21 pm »
There's so much about what you are describing that is just typical of men such as your partner and also typical of ladies, such as men checking out other women and their lady partners feeling insecure about it. The kool thing is that he is into you and that you are in a relationship which for most transsexuals including myself is quite rare.

According to the 2015 trans survey we are in relationships about as much as the general population. Roughly 50% of us are in marriage, dating or poly relationships. The big difference is marriage, 18% of us vs about 50% of the general population.

https://transequality.org/sites/default/files/docs/usts/USTS-Full-Report-Dec17.pdf

I think its important we understand this and communicate it. Relationships are a human necessity, but settling for something, maybe not a requirement.



Translady

Re: Feeling insecure in relationship/comparing myself to cis-girls
« Reply #12 on: May 28, 2018, 10:42:46 am »
It's really difficult to know for sure based on our personal experiences and based on surveys and such, however, I don't doubt that it's true there are higher percentages of transsexuals in a relationship. I'm glad to learn that there are surveys that suggest that. My own personal experience just based on dating and meeting people it seems like most heterosexual men go crazy once they learn that I have male genitals. There are some that are fine with that yet when they learn that I don't have a vaginal opening, they aren't interested in pursuing a relationship. I had a relationship partner who was really attracted to me and to this day attracted to me. I relocated and he and I stopped the relationship because of it yet the last time I spoke to him he was still into me. The issue with him though aside from me relocating is the fact that he always seemed to need a female with a vagina. In other words he'd date other women and want intimacy with them. Like I said I have come across that regularly with heterosexual men. I think surveys that suggest that transsexuals are in relationships as much as the general population may not take into account the varying types of relationships involved. For example, it certainly seems like a large amount of transsexuals are in a serious relationship prior to transitioning, many of whom are older and married in very established relationships, thus, that there skews things. For someone like myself who isn't in a serious relationship like that, it's a much different vantage point.

Offline RobynD

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 1,963
  • Reputation: +12/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Feeling insecure in relationship/comparing myself to cis-girls
« Reply #13 on: May 28, 2018, 11:00:22 am »
I'm not discounting your personal experience at all and sorry you have run into that. Are survey's skewed?, probably not based on the amount of sampling. The general population is very married - according to the data therein about 52% of adults, which leaves a considerably smaller pool of single individuals for that population to date.

Roughly 50% of trans people married prior to transition divorce which lends to the fact that only 18% of us are married in that sample.

Still we know anecdotally that dating is hard in certain segments for instance middle aged single people, people that live in rural areas and other demographics. You can't really compare dating as a single 50 yr old for instance to dating as a single 21 year old, its a much different pool of people with lots of life experiences.

That survey was marketed heavily to get the widest possible group of responders and i think we should use that data where ever practical. Just as i should not assume dating is "easy" because of my experience, others should not assume the opposite. i'm just afraid we will get people to settle, give up or not attempt relationships at all on one hand, or become too optimistic on the other. Relationships are a worthy endeavor. :)



Translady

Re: Feeling insecure in relationship/comparing myself to cis-girls
« Reply #14 on: May 28, 2018, 11:14:14 am »
There are too many variables, especially considering there are hundreds of millions of people just in the US and very few of them, including myself, have ever been surveyed for anything, especially a very obscure survey such as how many transsexual people are in a serious relationship. There are too many variables as well when it comes to all of the different types of relationships involved. I specifically pointed out that I have difficulty getting into a serious monogomous relationship with heterosexual men. I'm really picky too with the type of men that I'm attracted to, for example based on their style and personality etcetera. I have a very easy time though finding heterosexual and any other kinds of men to date. I'm quite a young looking and very attractive person for my age plus I have been transsexual my entire life so my experience is diverse and thorough. I'm from NYC too and have a wealth of experience in the entertainment industry so I'm involved in social circles that are very much advocates of the transsexual community.

Translady

Re: Feeling insecure in relationship/comparing myself to cis-girls
« Reply #15 on: May 28, 2018, 11:28:53 am »
It's also very apparent based on most online forums that the great majority of transsexuals start their transitioning at an older age and most of them are indeed already established when it comes to having a marriage partner and children. That representation certainly seems much more factual for online folks and offline folks than an obscure poll that only counts a really low percentage of the general population. I do agree though that people should continue being optimistic and working towards establishing a relationship. Like I said there's a million variables and maybe it is much easier than some of us think. I'm an optimist like that and I think education is really important and can serve as a positive influence to make people feel more socially comfortable with us. That's something we should all rally together for.

Offline RobynD

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 1,963
  • Reputation: +12/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Feeling insecure in relationship/comparing myself to cis-girls
« Reply #16 on: May 28, 2018, 12:13:59 pm »
Good points and thanks for sharing. Your points about personal preference are indeed a variable that makes the science of all this complex. I don't think we should at all call the 2015 survey obscure. In our community we sometimes decry the lack of studies and science and this survey was expensive and extensive, cutting across all age groups and everyone on the trans spectrum.

Overall there are some encouraging things in it but lots of bleak things (mental health and economics to name just two )that shows us we have a long way to go.



Translady

Re: Feeling insecure in relationship/comparing myself to cis-girls
« Reply #17 on: May 28, 2018, 01:10:18 pm »
The fact is every survey is obscure and inaccurate. Certainly some may be a bit more closer to reality than others, however, that isn't saying much. Insofar as survey relating to transsexual people, it's only until recently that many people vaguely even know of the term. In fact, as recent as just a few years ago, most people by a large margin either never have known of the term or at the most they had a vague idea of its definition. It is true though that personal relationships are indeed just that: personal. They are individual and intimate. Everyone has different tastes and relationship goals and interests and likes and dislikes and so on. To give a quick example, I was born intersex, and most people whom I have encountered, to this day, have absolutely no clue what it means, and almost everyone I mention it to have not even heard of it. It's a human thing though and to put it frankly, there are very few people who care about things that don't directly pertain to them and few people that take the time to learn about them unless it directly affects them or someone close. There are always exceptions and yes there is also awareness and education. I'm from NYC and I have lived for a few years on the west coast, all very progressive cosmopolitan areas, and I can easily point out that there are very few places and very few resources for intersex people and transsexual people, especially when it comes to socializing and dating and meeting people for a relationship, even in huge markets like those where I'm from and have resided. It's not discouraging and yes there is a positive wave of public awareness these days and that's a good thing and I'm really optimistic about that.
« Last Edit: May 29, 2018, 12:06:52 pm by Translady »

Translady

Re: Feeling insecure in relationship/comparing myself to cis-girls
« Reply #18 on: May 28, 2018, 01:28:22 pm »
I luv your positive and encouraging attitude, it's really sweet and I'm sure many people really appreciate it.

Tags: