Author Topic: Feeling insecure in relationship/comparing myself to cis-girls  (Read 182 times)

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Offline marssu

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Hey people!

So have been dating my boyfriend for about 8 months. Things went really fast with us, and we are already living together. He is great and accepts me 100%. He shows me around to his family and his friends. I was with him for a week and we had a sexual relationship during that (please don't judge). I told him about my past after that week and he was okay with it after the initial shock.

However, I am an extremely insecure person because of my past (got rejected by multiple guys before). In addition to this, my boyfriend is also very insecure and he has some trust issues (he got cheated on before) but he is addressing it with a psychologist after I had huge fights with him about not trusting me and I told him that I will leave if he doesn't do anything about his issues. This shows me that he really cares about me and is willing to fight for this relationship. However, he was sometimes acting very controlling and even called me a B*tch in the middle of an argument. He was obviously sorry about it afterward, but does it make it right? no. I, however, forgave him. The reasoning for this was that I really like him but could it be that I am just settling because I am scared I won't find any better?

I am tired of almost constantly feeling like I am competing with cis girls (especially in public). He doesn't give me any reason to be insecure, except that he sometimes makes jokes about his favorite celebrity crush and occasionally looks at pretty girls when we are outside, but I guess this is normal for guys? I am even scared to look shows with him because I am scared he will find some of the pretty girls hot.

Anyway my question is, how can I make myself less insecure while in a relationship? How can I not feel "less" when we are in public and there are cis girls around us? I know he chose me in the end but it is difficult to adopt that mentality. 



Online Alanna1990

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Re: Feeling insecure in relationship/comparing myself to cis-girls
« Reply #1 on: May 16, 2018, 11:56:03 am »
well you said it, He chose you, he's not giving you any reason to doubt, he's also comfortable enough to present you to his family, I think that would be enough, ...but I understand your feelings, I felt as insecure as you when I met my husband.


there'll always be fights, discussions and stuff like that, it's in our nature as humans, my only advice would be that you don't need to worry about other girls, if you put attention some cis girls look hideous, being a cis girl doesn't turn you into a supermodel just because, be confident in yourself, and think, do you really want to leave your bf? why do you think you can't find any better? why do you think you want any better than your current bf? think about your situation, the answers are always within.

Offline Charlie Nicki

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Re: Feeling insecure in relationship/comparing myself to cis-girls
« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2018, 01:13:57 pm »
Well guess what? If you were cis, he would still check other girls out lol, it's just human nature, the eyes were made to see things and men especially are very visual. I'm pretty sure you also check other guys out, since it's normal. The important thing to know is that he loves you for who you are, and as you said, has given you no reasons to doubt him. Seems to me like you're doing the exact same thing you accuse him of, not trusting.

Online Allison S

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Re: Feeling insecure in relationship/comparing myself to cis-girls
« Reply #3 on: May 16, 2018, 01:27:20 pm »
Well, you say he looks at cis girls. What if some of them are trans too? Just saying, you shouldn't feel inferior because you're trans. I don't actually know if that's what you meant... It seems like he didn't know you were trans and so it's likely you're passing.
If you have doubts about him then that's another topic.
Do your personalities match? Do you talk about/plan the future together? Do you feel you can openly discuss issues?

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Offline marssu

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Re: Feeling insecure in relationship/comparing myself to cis-girls
« Reply #4 on: May 16, 2018, 01:42:48 pm »
Well, you say he looks at cis girls. What if some of them are trans too? Just saying, you shouldn't feel inferior because you're trans. I don't actually know if that's what you meant... It seems like he didn't know you were trans and so it's likely you're passing.
If you have doubts about him then that's another topic.
Do your personalities match? Do you talk about/plan the future together? Do you feel you can openly discuss issues?

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Yes, he always makes future plans with me, like marrying, buying a house etc. He is a good guy in general but I just feel insecure. I believe its normal for a trans person.

Overall we match.



Offline marssu

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Re: Feeling insecure in relationship/comparing myself to cis-girls
« Reply #5 on: May 16, 2018, 01:44:03 pm »
Well guess what? If you were cis, he would still check other girls out lol, it's just human nature, the eyes were made to see things and men especially are very visual. I'm pretty sure you also check other guys out, since it's normal. The important thing to know is that he loves you for who you are, and as you said, has given you no reasons to doubt him. Seems to me like you're doing the exact same thing you accuse him of, not trusting.

I have had bad experiences with guys and that is why I have trust issues. I need to go to therapy but it is expensive for a student.



Offline marssu

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Re: Feeling insecure in relationship/comparing myself to cis-girls
« Reply #6 on: May 16, 2018, 01:45:00 pm »
well you said it, He chose you, he's not giving you any reason to doubt, he's also comfortable enough to present you to his family, I think that would be enough, ...but I understand your feelings, I felt as insecure as you when I met my husband.


there'll always be fights, discussions and stuff like that, it's in our nature as humans, my only advice would be that you don't need to worry about other girls, if you put attention some cis girls look hideous, being a cis girl doesn't turn you into a supermodel just because, be confident in yourself, and think, do you really want to leave your bf? why do you think you can't find any better? why do you think you want any better than your current bf? think about your situation, the answers are always within.

Thank you! this helped.



Offline Maria77

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Re: Feeling insecure in relationship/comparing myself to cis-girls
« Reply #7 on: May 16, 2018, 09:32:13 pm »
Many schools have counseling centers and would be glad to help you.  Give it a shot.

Offline Cassandra B

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Re: Feeling insecure in relationship/comparing myself to cis-girls
« Reply #8 on: Yesterday at 07:34:26 am »
The only thing I can add to the above; everything you are feeling because of past rejections and relationship issues, are the same things CIS girls deal with. My CIS psudo child has the exact same fears and insecurities for similar reasons, my CIS girlfriends deal with the same kind of insecurities for similar issues, because relationships with crappy people leave their mark on us regardless of being CIS or Trans.
Of all the things you can be, being yourself is the most important.

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