Author Topic: Ashamed, Guilt, not wanting to be a transgender AFTER orgasming  (Read 575 times)

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Offline ecdw94

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As the title says.

First of all, i'll tell you where I come from and what situation I am in.
LONG STORY
I myself am from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dagestan, It's a small republic in Russia. My dad fled europe with me in 2004. The thing is, he had to sell his business to... buy me out, because I was kidnapped by the police and they wanted a 1/4 million $ from him. He barely managed to scrap that amount by selling his apartment and business.
My dad came to the appointed location with the money, but he also brought other people, friends, friends of friends, to be nearby if something goes wrong. After he came with all the money, they suddenly wanted more money then initially agreed upon. From my memory and what I heard from my dad, is that a small conflict happened and my dads friends came out of cover because the police didn't want to give me back. The police then left me and went into their cars and went away. Then it wasn't safe for us to stay and we left to europe in 2004. Because of a different story in 2010 went back to russia. And we were long forgotten, and i started school and everything was okay until my dad met that same person that was in that police team that kidnapped me. Then my dad contacted a journalist to tell his past story so it is known and he thought he would get security by doing that.
But after he was going to meet that journalist, it was very late in the night because what I heard is , that the journalist had a lot of work to do and that journalist postponed the appointment all the time later and later.
So then when he was ready to meet him, they were going to meet, it was dark early because it was winter. But, a car stopped by and armed men shot that journalist dead, my dad witnessed and survived.
My dad went to the police station as a witness and gave a testimony, but... they wanted him to dismiss his witness testimony soon after. Later when they told him to go home for today, and they will call him back that week. One of the nicer police officers told him that it doesn't matter if he will take back his testimony that he will be soon dead anyway. The thing is, the killers of that journalist were wearing a police uniform.
Later that week, we had some visitors, these were islamic extremists, that we called Wahhabits, they wanted my dad and me to go "clean" our blood from our Sins. My dad realized that this has something to do with the police and his witness testimony and immediately he started packing our bags and we run to his brother.  And were hiding there then at some other relatives, meanwhile this wahhabits came again to my grandpas home, and asked for us.

The reason they were here is because they wanted that we purify our blood, that is, they offered us to go "to the woods" and train to be most likely suicid bmbers or whatever. Most people that we heard went there never came back... We were really afraid.

 then we fled to Europe,  Netherlands precisely since that was the only visum we could get hands on by paying 5000 Euros for both of us. But instead of looking at the only little proof we had that my dad was called in as a witness for that murder, the dutch government said russia is a democratic country and a big country and that we could have fled to Siberia, somewhere we could live in safety.

That is why we went to a different european country trying to open our case there, but instead we were sent back to the netherlands, I think we have been in every western/north european countries except england.
But always were sent back to Netherlands because of a dublin law which states, the country you asked for asylum first, there your case should be examined, and it's your only chance. But they ignored all the facts and proof and just gave us a negative answer and threw us out into the streets instead of deporting us.

and since 2015 I am living in Germany, on Tuesday there is a court hearing if I am psychologically stable to being sent back to russia.
Tbh I am currently in a psychiatric clinic because I am suicidal because I am sooooo much afraid of being sent back to russia and experience and see all the shit all over again. But I can't tell anyone I have gender issues bacause my dead my not know about it or our relationship is busted and I won't have a dad anymore and that will bring shame to him.  But I can't live like that forever, especially I can never go back to russia. and I don't even know If I really want to be a girl, maybe it's just temporary symptoms of my depression.. tbh i'd rather go to some transgender friendly country like japan, thailand or I think even canada is good in that reason, but ............ nvm


___TLDR
But here is my actual problem that has been annoying since I was a teen....

At the age of 6, I was kidnapped, and held hostage for a few weeks. The only thing I remembered is that I didn't get any food for the first few days, but later on I got water and bread once a day. then everything was just blank until the Trade between police and my dad was happening.

And here is the thing I have never told anyone in my life, even my dad. The thing I was ashamed of my whole life...
That These police people raped me... In fact, they raped me so hard that my anal hole isn't round and normal, but rather oval and it feels like the outer hole, the outer muscle in the anus? is a little bit ripped, that is why I have hard time using toiletpaper to clean myself, I always need some water because .....  Or maybe it's not because of the rape but everyone has that problem...

that fact I only was aware of since we were threatened to be sent to russia a few years ago.

MY PROBLEM IS..... that every since puberty... I actually feel disgust by becoming manly. The hair all over my body.... the broad body build.... I am already 23 and only since 4-5 years my facial "beard" started growing rapidly and I hate it.

MY............ PROBLEM........ IS........ I masturbate very often..... and I watch transgender porn... In fact I am disgusted by manliness, and I am disgusted by gay porn.... Straight porn I feel much less.... lesbian porn Is okay... but trans... and only trans gives me the most... 

BUT....... after I orgasm... I feel ashamed.. guilty.. and disgusted by me... even the fact that I actually want to be a girl... clothe like a girl.... have a femenine face.... have long hair... have a female body build..... thin waist... basically EVERYTHING THAT IS *NOT* man.... Sometimes I imagine being anally penetrated too... I don't know why ... feels like I am not normal.   

I know I am not gay, because like I said, i hate men and I even hate the manliness ON MYSELF...
AND I have a German Girlfriend, and she knows that I have this.... manliness issues and wanting to be femeine and she doens't have anything against that..
I even want to have children with her and keep my penis just beause of her to have a sex life with her.

But every time I orgasm, the feeling of depression, shame and despair comes almost immediately if not after 1-3 seconds after the orgasm, and I feel like it's a mistake and an error in my brain that I want to be a girl,
Over the years i download many trans porns, but after orgasming I tend to delete HUNDREDS of gigabytes of porn because I feel disgusted...
Except............. 1-5 minutes after the orgasm I feel neutral... maybe a bit disgusted by it, but after 5 minutes... I feel like I want to be a girl again......

This is going on for many years now. Nobody knows that... I wanted to share because I wanted to ask... ....... could my kidnapping and rape from my childhood have anything to do with my ... .dysphoria... and is that the right thing to call it in my situation? as a child i blocked my kidnapping/rape experience and never thought about this ever again, as if the memory never existed, but now facing deportation all of this came back and I get flashbacks of images of all the things happened to me.
I don't know what to do anymore, tbh I don't know if I WON'T even kill myself after I hear the court decision on 22th but still... i really want to know what is wrong with me..>

PS: i mostly used masturbating to relieve stress and depression even if it was for a short time... Since october I am taking mirtazapin, an anti depressant. Because of that I gained weight from 68kg to 88 kg in just this half year, and that makes me even more depressed.
PS: And If i get deported, AND IF i survive russia, i in not way will ever be able to live as a girl.
Also the Republic of Dagestan where I come from, 95% of the population consists of muslims, and gay's or transgenders bring a lot of shame into the families that, the families themselves kill you, and the police torture such people before they kill them.
I am really confused... ANd I don't know if the long story was even necessary to tell here. In fact I was so confused I didn't know where to start with my story.... and everything got so mixed up...

And I really apologize for my English.

Offline Alaskan Danielle

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Re: Ashamed, Guilt, not wanting to be a transgender AFTER orgasming
« Reply #1 on: May 20, 2018, 09:19:13 am »
Hello ecdw94,     Wow, that was certainly an informative and interesting... and lengthy posting....   Lots in your post to consider.   
Thank you for introducing yourself.  I see that you are new here and may have questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances. 
Be aware that there are lots of members here that can identify with the issues that you brought up in your introduction posting. 
 
WELCOME to Susan's Place.  You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others  and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.
It is nice that you have signed up so you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other members.
When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
 
***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

Please come in and get involved at your own pace.  Be sure to look at the Links that I posted below, there is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.
Again, Welcome.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:


Things that you should read
Check out my Personal Threads that have more details about myself (click Links):
   "I am the HUNTED PREY : Danielle's Chronicles"
               "Positive Mindset... put away negativity"
                            "Susans Writers and Book Readers"

Started HRT March 2015  3½ years ago, it's been an exciting journey
>>> I've been Full Time since December 2016 :icon_chick:
I am 38 years old, Single, and Self Employed in a small town up in the COLD North.
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Offline Alaskan Danielle

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Re: Ashamed, Guilt, not wanting to be a transgender AFTER orgasming
« Reply #2 on: May 20, 2018, 09:22:15 am »
Oh, by the way ecdw94, so that the other members here on the Forums will know that you have become a member of Susan's Place please go to the Introductions Forum to introduce yourself and to briefly tell the other members here about yourself!   You will then have a better chance of getting the answers that you are looking for regarding your specific interests and you will be able to share with others as they share their experiences with you once they know that you have arrived.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place,
Danielle
Check out my Personal Threads that have more details about myself (click Links):
   "I am the HUNTED PREY : Danielle's Chronicles"
               "Positive Mindset... put away negativity"
                            "Susans Writers and Book Readers"

Started HRT March 2015  3½ years ago, it's been an exciting journey
>>> I've been Full Time since December 2016 :icon_chick:
I am 38 years old, Single, and Self Employed in a small town up in the COLD North.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Online Dena

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Re: Ashamed, Guilt, not wanting to be a transgender AFTER orgasming
« Reply #3 on: May 20, 2018, 11:07:40 am »
Welcome to Susan's Place. From what we understand now, we are born transgender. It's the result of a difference in our brain that occurs before we are born so it's unlikely what you feel is the result of the rape. The way you feel about sex is pretty common among those who are transgender. It's not that we don't want sex but its being uncomfortable about how we have it. Unfortunately I can't help you much with your difficulty but if you need to return to Russia, this link might prove useful. As you probably haven't had much if any therapy, you might also find “the transition channel” useful.
Rebirth Date 1982 - PMs are welcome - Use dena@susans.org if your unable to PM - Skype and FaceTime available - My Transition
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Offline Daisy Jane

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Re: Ashamed, Guilt, not wanting to be a transgender AFTER orgasming
« Reply #4 on: May 20, 2018, 01:42:45 pm »
I'm so sorry all of this happened to you. I don't have much to offer, but since you brought it up, one thing I would suggest to you is to avoid seeking asylum in Japan. They put you in a prison and almost everyone is rejected. Some have reported regular beating by the prison guards.

Offline OldGray

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Re: Ashamed, Guilt, not wanting to be a transgender AFTER orgasming
« Reply #5 on: May 20, 2018, 03:36:13 pm »
Welcome, ecdw94!

We are hardest on ourselves. I would ask you to not be so judgmental of your actions.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Offline V M

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Re: Ashamed, Guilt, not wanting to be a transgender AFTER orgasming
« Reply #6 on: May 20, 2018, 05:56:29 pm »
Hi ecdw94  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's Place  :)  Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M
The main things to remember in life are Love, Kindness, Understanding and Respect - Always make forward progress

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Offline ecdw94

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Re: Ashamed, Guilt, not wanting to be a transgender AFTER orgasming
« Reply #7 on: July 18, 2018, 11:04:22 am »
thank you very much.
I actually deleted everything related to Transgenderism on my laptop, even website boomarks because I was once again at my De-depression dopamine plays. And got really disgusted at my views and feelings about transgender. If I had waited 5 minutes more somehow... I'd probably not have done that. That's actually another problem I wanted to ask about.
After I orgasm, I feel so disgusted with myself and me being a Girl. Deleting every video I had to that topic on my laptop too. I feel like.. maybe I'm wrong and I am not a Transgender. And the idea of wearing female clothing and being a Girl just .. SOOOOOOOOO... disgusts me that.... ugh...
But that feeling vanishes after 4-8 minutes. And maybe to 90% gone after 20-35 minutes...
Is it normal? When will it change? What will help changing it? Currently I'm living with my Dad and he may never find out or he will kill me since we came from a Muslim Infested/Dominated Republic in Russia. Maybe besides all the problems, my family and religion are rooted deep in me which makes me feel I am doing something wrong, as in Trans...

Hello ecdw94,     Wow, that was certainly an informative and interesting... and lengthy posting....   Lots in your post to consider.   
Thank you for introducing yourself.  I see that you are new here and may have questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances. 
Be aware that there are lots of members here that can identify with the issues that you brought up in your introduction posting. 
 
WELCOME to Susan's Place.  You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others  and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.
It is nice that you have signed up so you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other members.
When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
 
***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

Please come in and get involved at your own pace.  Be sure to look at the Links that I posted below, there is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.
Again, Welcome.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:


Things that you should read

Offline ecdw94

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Re: Ashamed, Guilt, not wanting to be a transgender AFTER orgasming
« Reply #8 on: July 18, 2018, 11:20:20 am »
Thank you for the link, but there is no way I can return to Russia. Or can I contact them regardless if I am in Russia or not? Or does it matter what LGBT organizations I can contact at all? Because I don't even feel comfortable speaking Russian since I haven't learned or spoke Russia for at least a decade. (Except small chat with my dad here). And English is my strongest, believe it or not. Not only because of the problems I had there, but because if someone from my Relatives club finds out, I'll be done for. My relatives circle is pretty big... and everyone is in close contact there. I guess the danger from your relatives is higher then the actual police or other people there ...


Then why did I not feel.... or.... know? about the fact that I am not a Girl much earlier then that?
I actually do remember that, I was sitting like this because I felt the most comfortable that way, but I got scolded everytime, and that I shouldn't sit like that, I'm like a girl. bla bla bla. But.. I think every child starts sitting like that so it is not really a girls position I guess? I dunno.


And Thank you for the Youtube link. I got further from that and actually learned you can have dysphoria for separate things. Like genital dysphoria and body or/and mental dysphoria are different things. And I now know how to describe my issues: I do not have a genital dysphoria, but I do have a huge body dysphoria and mental issues, like being disgusted by wanting to be a girl after I pleasured myself.

Just a reference from the video:
I feel horrible about my body... feel uncomfortable about it. And the though I'll look like this forever just makes me wanna KMS. The biggest fear is that If I EVER get the freedom of life, like access to normal life, and the ability to transition, BUT that I won't be able to transition to be able to PASS, BECAUSE of my BROAD shoulders... upper body.. Now I've never built muscle, but my genetic broad build is :'(

Welcome to Susan's Place. From what we understand now, we are born transgender. It's the result of a difference in our brain that occurs before we are born so it's unlikely what you feel is the result of the rape. The way you feel about sex is pretty common among those who are transgender. It's not that we don't want sex but its being uncomfortable about how we have it. Unfortunately I can't help you much with your difficulty but if you need to return to Russia, this link might prove useful. As you probably haven't had much if any therapy, you might also find “the transition channel” useful.

Offline ecdw94

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Re: Ashamed, Guilt, not wanting to be a transgender AFTER orgasming
« Reply #9 on: July 18, 2018, 11:23:35 am »
You get put in Prison in Japan if you ask for asylum there? :/ I didn't think they were so strict... I've always seen it as Free land where opinions are accepted.
I  mean your description sounds like it's China...

What should I do then? Where should I go? Who can help a person like me?

My court hearing was postponed by the way, and I'm out of the Psychiatric Clinic.

I'm so sorry all of this happened to you. I don't have much to offer, but since you brought it up, one thing I would suggest to you is to avoid seeking asylum in Japan. They put you in a prison and almost everyone is rejected. Some have reported regular beating by the prison guards.

Offline ecdw94

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Re: Ashamed, Guilt, not wanting to be a transgender AFTER orgasming
« Reply #10 on: July 18, 2018, 11:25:52 am »
It's hard not being so hard on myself because for all the failures I encountered, it feels like it's my fault. I only encounter failure after failure. Being in Europe for a decade. Not being accepted here and threatened to be sent back to Russia...

Tbh I am not sure what terrifies me worse, the fact that I will be sent to Russia and die
or the fact that I may never become and look like my true self... female... with a feminine body and voice...

Welcome, ecdw94!

We are hardest on ourselves. I would ask you to not be so judgmental of your actions.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Offline ecdw94

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Re: Ashamed, Guilt, not wanting to be a transgender AFTER orgasming
« Reply #11 on: July 18, 2018, 11:31:36 am »
Which fun though?

thank you :))))

Hi ecdw94  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's Place  :)  Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Offline Virginia

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Re: Ashamed, Guilt, not wanting to be a transgender AFTER orgasming
« Reply #12 on: July 18, 2018, 12:47:06 pm »
@ecdw94
You are not alone. Many cisgender men experience extreme guilt realted to masturbation, a need to dress as women, gender confusion, sexual confusion, and/or dysphoria about their genitals as a result of childhood sexual trauma. There is an excellent discussion group on the Male Survivor website at: http://www.discussion.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=cfrm

~VA (pronounced Vee- Aye, the abbreviation for the State of Virginia where I live)

Online Dena

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Re: Ashamed, Guilt, not wanting to be a transgender AFTER orgasming
« Reply #13 on: July 18, 2018, 05:11:03 pm »
The biggest fear is that If I EVER get the freedom of life, like access to normal life, and the ability to transition, BUT that I won't be able to transition to be able to PASS, BECAUSE of my BROAD shoulders... upper body.. Now I've never built muscle, but my genetic broad build is :'(
It would be nice if everybody passed but not everybody does. Fortunately passing isn't required to find happiness. I have broad shoulders but I wear sleeves and avoid sleeveless clothing so my shoulders aren't noticeable. I am 6'2" tall but I wear flat shoes and don't worry about what others think of me. Because I don't draw attention to myself, others don't notice me so I can go most anywhere and am accepted as myself. Do I pass all the time? Probably not but it doesn't matter because people treat me as if I do. You are sure to fail if you don't try and you might be far more successful than you think is possible if you try.
Rebirth Date 1982 - PMs are welcome - Use dena@susans.org if your unable to PM - Skype and FaceTime available - My Transition
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Offline ecdw94

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Re: Ashamed, Guilt, not wanting to be a transgender AFTER orgasming
« Reply #14 on: July 20, 2018, 06:45:31 am »
It's not about passing to other people.... I mean even passing to myself... seeing all the masculine features.. I mean, to still see them... I'm sure everyone has the same issues here, but I'm not sure how people handle this..... Or maybe it's true and real that transgender suicide rate is incredibly high according to a transgender youtube girl I follow. I should be more realistic and at least be happy to pass at least occasionally hehe...

I don't know how your broad shoulders look like... but mine look ridiculous, it can't get manlier. They grew without doing sports. meh. So frustrating. 2 Days I tried wearing my GF's Bra under the t-shirt, initially just to joke and troll my GF, but then I realized myself how ridiculous it looks like.... so broad...

I heard people saying that their shoulder measurement got smaller... I know it's possible, but that is only because of loss of muscle mass isn't it?
It would be nice if everybody passed but not everybody does. Fortunately passing isn't required to find happiness. I have broad shoulders but I wear sleeves and avoid sleeveless clothing so my shoulders aren't noticeable. I am 6'2" tall but I wear flat shoes and don't worry about what others think of me. Because I don't draw attention to myself, others don't notice me so I can go most anywhere and am accepted as myself. Do I pass all the time? Probably not but it doesn't matter because people treat me as if I do. You are sure to fail if you don't try and you might be far more successful than you think is possible if you try.
is it normal to fill 3 different verification questions to post something?

Offline ecdw94

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Re: Ashamed, Guilt, not wanting to be a transgender AFTER orgasming
« Reply #15 on: July 20, 2018, 06:46:25 am »
@ecdw94
You are not alone. Many cisgender men experience extreme guilt realted to masturbation, a need to dress as women, gender confusion, sexual confusion, and/or dysphoria about their genitals as a result of childhood sexual trauma. There is an excellent discussion group on the Male Survivor website at: http://www.discussion.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=cfrm

Thanks, I'll think about it and what exactly I should look for on that site. Looks really huge with lots of topics.

Offline ecdw94

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Re: Ashamed, Guilt, not wanting to be a transgender AFTER orgasming
« Reply #16 on: July 20, 2018, 12:23:47 pm »
Oh... I just realized and missread..
I thought you wanted me to introduce in the introduce section.
And I thought I posted it somewhere else... But I didn't want to introduce myself but instead ask for advice, what I should do, if anyone had similar situations... uwwww

Hello ecdw94,     Wow, that was certainly an informative and interesting... and lengthy posting....   Lots in your post to consider.   
Thank you for introducing yourself.  I see that you are new here and may have questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances. 
Be aware that there are lots of members here that can identify with the issues that you brought up in your introduction posting. 
 
WELCOME to Susan's Place.  You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others  and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.
It is nice that you have signed up so you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other members.
When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
 
***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

Please come in and get involved at your own pace.  Be sure to look at the Links that I posted below, there is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.
Again, Welcome.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:


Things that you should read

Online Dena

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Re: Ashamed, Guilt, not wanting to be a transgender AFTER orgasming
« Reply #17 on: July 20, 2018, 04:54:41 pm »
It's not about passing to other people.... I mean even passing to myself... seeing all the masculine features.. I mean, to still see them... I'm sure everyone has the same issues here, but I'm not sure how people handle this..... Or maybe it's true and real that transgender suicide rate is incredibly high according to a transgender youtube girl I follow. I should be more realistic and at least be happy to pass at least occasionally hehe...

I don't know how your broad shoulders look like... but mine look ridiculous, it can't get manlier. They grew without doing sports. meh. So frustrating. 2 Days I tried wearing my GF's Bra under the t-shirt, initially just to joke and troll my GF, but then I realized myself how ridiculous it looks like.... so broad...

I heard people saying that their shoulder measurement got smaller... I know it's possible, but that is only because of loss of muscle mass isn't it?is it normal to fill 3 different verification questions to post something?
Your are the last one to see the girl in the mirror. You have been looking at your old face for so long, that's what your brain expects to see so you do. It might take a year or two of you being passable before you can see the girl in the mirror. As you spend a little more time on the site you will see others who feel as you do. They may put their image up and it looks totally feminine but they are unable to see it. It took me near two years before one day I was walking past the bathroom mirror and I first saw her in the mirror. I could see a resemblance to my mother which I didn't expect.

I have a cousin who can lug two 50 pounds sacks of feed around. I last saw her when we were both children so I can only imagine the type of build she must have. Only the women in the fashion magazines were born with perfect bodies. The rest of the women make fashion decisions selecting only what they are able to wear. Having a feminine body is not so much what you have but is choosing what works with your body. Possibly you might decide that if nature is weak in the breast department, it might balance your body out if your breast are a bit large. I don't really know because you need a few years to discover what magic HRT will do for you.

As for the verification question, you shouldn't be having difficulty with that any more.
Rebirth Date 1982 - PMs are welcome - Use dena@susans.org if your unable to PM - Skype and FaceTime available - My Transition
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