Author Topic: I don't have the motivation to move forward and I don't know in which direction  (Read 288 times)

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Offline Crist

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Hi,
I am Crist, I am new here (this is my fourth post), I am struggling with very strong depression and I don't know what to do so I am asking for some advise. I could say that I am between non-binary or very close to a trans-woman.
My main problem is body dysphoria and I think that most of my depression comes from there. I have tried several things already: I am in my forth therapist and I have taking different medicines and treatments but no luck so far. It has been almost five years since my depression started. I understood I was trans by reading some post online. I was euphoric for a couple of weeks but after I learned the limitations of what can be done to change my body my mood drop and hasn't been well for more than a couple of weeks at a time ever since then. I am still very bad right now but luckily not in my lowest.
Regarding my body, I have been told that I should be able to be passable several times and I even saw a cis-woman with similar proportions as mine. That didn't help though. My thoughts went from "I will never look as a woman" to "Even if I get to be passable I will be unacceptably unattractive (to my own standards, I understand that there is people that find masculine looking woman attractive).
I know that is people that have it worse than me and if that is you, I am sorry for complaining for a problem that might seem to small for you. I am still doing it because I am suffering and I don't know what else to do. Again I am sorry.
Because of this mindset of mine I don't really feel motivated to transition. I have the impression that it won't really help me mood-wise and I will just end up having surgery after surgery as soon as I can afford them (not that I can afford one right now and is possible that I will never will) and/or keep hurting about my body all the time. I am not really encouraged by the social aspect either. I am a big introvert so, even though it will be great for people to stop calling me sir, I don't think that changing would have such of positive impact on me, I know that there are big negatives with being percived as a woman in this society.
Because of this lack of motivation and my current state I believe that I need to address my feelings towards my image in order to move forward. Let me list what I have tried and hasn't work to see if you have different ideas:

- The ideas of "All women are beautiful", "Women come in all shapes an sizes", "You just have to play with the cards you been given", "Cis-woman struggle with body image all the time too"... I am not sure why this kind of statements do not work for me. My guess is some sort of inferiority (perhaps superiority instead) complex or something similar. I feel that if am not better than most people (or even the best in some cases) then I am worthless. I try to tell myself "No one is better than anyone else" or "It is shallow to think that attractiveness makes a person more valuable" but I seem to respond with "Human value might be subjective, a social construct and exists only in peoples mind but that doesn't make it less real" or "I don't have to conform with other peoples ideas of what is honorable and feel ashamed of what I feel is important". I suppose that might make you think that I am not a very nice person, so I would understand if you don't want to help me. I have a new therapist so perhaps she knows how to deal with that issue. I fear I might be to stubborn for that though.

- Trying to move forward with my transition. I as mentioned before, my lack of motivation and my believe that the end result would not be good enough are big obstacles. Sometimes I think that even if I am only able to change small things, at least it will be less things that give me pain. The problem with that is that for me it seems that the negatives outweigh the positives. The things I find as negative are: genital atrophy (this is ones of the reasons I don't of myself as a full trans-woman), decrease of libido, changes in the ways I feel sexual attraction (I heard it goes from visual to emotional), possible change in what kind of people I find attractive. I elaborated in some of these consequences in my previous post "Will hormones help someone like me" and I am grateful for the responses. For the first two I even learn about a potential way to decrease their effect. However, I don't think that those post help much. Maybe I am too stubborn but I know I don't want to loose some of the few things that I still enjoy. Sometimes I don't enjoy anything but at least I have some breathers in occations.
I also know that there is the option of transition without hormones. Sadly I find that even less appealing. The idea of putting two pieces of plastic in front of my chest makes me feel that I will be just wearing a disguise. I also have the impression that my body will look even less natural.

- Not transitioning and continue as I am is not an option, 5 years of depression support that conclusion.

Thank you for reading so far. I would greatly appreciate any recommendations you might have.

I wish you the best,
Crist

Offline Donna

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  • Moving forward always, a work in progress
It is a conundrum. We all have ideas and goals. What you may find is once you start your path will wander all over the place but each step forward will make you feel
Better to take the next step. No one can tell you haow it will be for you. We don’t know how it will be for us until it happens. In December of 2017 I swore to my wife I would never pass or wear a dress or have long hair and makeup. Well that lasted a month and three months later I threw away all my male cloths and have not looked back. Don’t sell yourself short and talk to us here and read everything you can that posted. It will clean lots of questions
December 2015 noticed strange feelings moving in
December 2016 started to understand what my body has been telling me all my life, started wearing a bra for comfort full time
Spiro and dutastricide 2017
Mid year 2017 Started dressing and going out shopping etc by myself
October T 14.8 / 456
Came out to my wife in December 2017
January 2018 dressing androgenes and still have face hair
Feb 2018 Dressing full time in female clothing out at work and to friends and family, clean shaven and make up
Living full time March 1 2018
March T 7.4 / 236
April 19th eligard injection, no more Testosterone
June 19th a brand new freshly trained HRT and transgender care doctor for me. Only a one day waiting list to become her patient 😍
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Offline MissyMay2.0

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Hi,
I am Crist, I am new here (this is my fourth post), I am struggling with very strong depression and I don't know what to do so I am asking for some advise. I could say that I am between non-binary or very close to a trans-woman.
My main problem is body dysphoria and I think that most of my depression comes from there. I have tried several things already: I am in my forth therapist and I have taking different medicines and treatments but no luck so far. It has been almost five years since my depression started. I understood I was trans by reading some post online. I was euphoric for a couple of weeks but after I learned the limitations of what can be done to change my body my mood drop and hasn't been well for more than a couple of weeks at a time ever since then. I am still very bad right now but luckily not in my lowest.
Regarding my body, I have been told that I should be able to be passable several times and I even saw a cis-woman with similar proportions as mine. That didn't help though. My thoughts went from "I will never look as a woman" to "Even if I get to be passable I will be unacceptably unattractive (to my own standards, I understand that there is people that find masculine looking woman attractive).
I know that is people that have it worse than me and if that is you, I am sorry for complaining for a problem that might seem to small for you. I am still doing it because I am suffering and I don't know what else to do. Again I am sorry.
Because of this mindset of mine I don't really feel motivated to transition. I have the impression that it won't really help me mood-wise and I will just end up having surgery after surgery as soon as I can afford them (not that I can afford one right now and is possible that I will never will) and/or keep hurting about my body all the time. I am not really encouraged by the social aspect either. I am a big introvert so, even though it will be great for people to stop calling me sir, I don't think that changing would have such of positive impact on me, I know that there are big negatives with being percived as a woman in this society.
Because of this lack of motivation and my current state I believe that I need to address my feelings towards my image in order to move forward. Let me list what I have tried and hasn't work to see if you have different ideas:

- The ideas of "All women are beautiful", "Women come in all shapes an sizes", "You just have to play with the cards you been given", "Cis-woman struggle with body image all the time too"... I am not sure why this kind of statements do not work for me. My guess is some sort of inferiority (perhaps superiority instead) complex or something similar. I feel that if am not better than most people (or even the best in some cases) then I am worthless. I try to tell myself "No one is better than anyone else" or "It is shallow to think that attractiveness makes a person more valuable" but I seem to respond with "Human value might be subjective, a social construct and exists only in peoples mind but that doesn't make it less real" or "I don't have to conform with other peoples ideas of what is honorable and feel ashamed of what I feel is important". I suppose that might make you think that I am not a very nice person, so I would understand if you don't want to help me. I have a new therapist so perhaps she knows how to deal with that issue. I fear I might be to stubborn for that though.

- Trying to move forward with my transition. I as mentioned before, my lack of motivation and my believe that the end result would not be good enough are big obstacles. Sometimes I think that even if I am only able to change small things, at least it will be less things that give me pain. The problem with that is that for me it seems that the negatives outweigh the positives. The things I find as negative are: genital atrophy (this is ones of the reasons I don't of myself as a full trans-woman), decrease of libido, changes in the ways I feel sexual attraction (I heard it goes from visual to emotional), possible change in what kind of people I find attractive. I elaborated in some of these consequences in my previous post "Will hormones help someone like me" and I am grateful for the responses. For the first two I even learn about a potential way to decrease their effect. However, I don't think that those post help much. Maybe I am too stubborn but I know I don't want to loose some of the few things that I still enjoy. Sometimes I don't enjoy anything but at least I have some breathers in occations.
I also know that there is the option of transition without hormones. Sadly I find that even less appealing. The idea of putting two pieces of plastic in front of my chest makes me feel that I will be just wearing a disguise. I also have the impression that my body will look even less natural.

- Not transitioning and continue as I am is not an option, 5 years of depression support that conclusion.

Thank you for reading so far. I would greatly appreciate any recommendations you might have.

I wish you the best,
Crist
I think you’ve answered your own questions, transitioning is not something one should be talked into; if you don’t want to transition for whatever reasons, then that is completely okay.

Best wishes😊

Online Dena

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- Not transitioning and continue as I am is not an option, 5 years of depression support that conclusion.
You're overthinking this and it looks like a huge problem that you will never be able to address. The transition is a number of small steps and if at anytime you feel it's wrong, you can stop or back off until you reach the point where your comfortable with yourself. From what you have written, it's doesn't sound like you have had much if any part time experience. I would suggest you attempt to put together work on your image and spend some time in the public. Most likely you can contact others if needed in your LGBT community for support until your able to appears in public by yourself. Even though you you feel you have body dysphoria, seeing yourself dressed and appearing feminine can help reduce your dysphoria.
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Offline anastasialea

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Quote
I am Crist, I am new here (this is my fourth post), I am struggling with very strong depression and I don't know what to do so I am asking for some advise. I could say that I am between non-binary or very close to a trans-woman.

I think if you have gender dysphoric ideations that lead to severe depression you should explore ways to treat them with your GP who will refer you to a specialist.

- The ideas of "All women are beautiful", "Women come in all shapes an sizes", "You just have to play with the cards you been given", "Cis-woman struggle with body image all the time too"... I am not sure why this kind of statements do not work for me. My guess is some sort of inferiority (perhaps superiority instead) complex or something similar.

You can't see what hasn't started to grow, or don't make assumptions regarding your attractiveness post-HRT.

Quote
...changes in the ways I feel sexual attraction (I heard it goes from visual to emotional), possible change in what kind of people I find attractive.

Sexuality is something I tend to not concern myself with, it's dynamic and you should let it explore you rather getting hung up on who you might fall for.

Quote
The things I find as negative are: genital atrophy (this is ones of the reasons I don't of myself as a full trans-woman)...

Genital atrophy (at least in the way you perceive it) is something I'm not sure I can help you with, I'm repulsed by mine so anything to get rid of them in any way is kind of a blessing.
Deed poll 17/10/2017
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Electrolysis 03/07/2018

Offline Meghan

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Depression isn't easy question to answer. That's why I always recommend you need to talk to Behavior Health specialist to get your mind clear with all those questions. After my two sessions with my Therapist, she was suggesting since I am was so miserable because I just suppress my Transgender for all those years. If I don't accept who I am, then I will be living miserable and effects everyone around me.

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Meghan Pham: MtF Transgender, Transsexual, Transwoman, social justice, Caregivers, Certified Nurse Assistant

Offline Lady Love

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Just to say, genital atrophy, libido loss and sexual attraction may not be affected. I looked into hrt a lot before I got my prescription and some people report no atrophy or libido change. I have heard atrophy is more from disuse because the muscles weaken once you stop getting spontaneous erections if you don't use it otherwise. I am no expert myself, but everyone is different and it is always possible to stop hormones so talk with an expert and learn about your options and also consider other things to try and help. Spending $20 at a thrift store takes little time and commitment but may help a lot. For me just buying dollar store panties that no one else can see made me more body congruent


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Offline Sephirah

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Sweetie, it sounds to me like you identified the reason you're feeling the way you are in the very first sentence of your post.

Hi,
I am Crist, I am new here (this is my fourth post), I am struggling with very strong depression and I don't know what to do so I am asking for some advise.

As someone who has struggled with depression on and off through most of their life, I'm kinda used to the symptoms of it. It makes you feel like nothing you ever do will be good enough. That life isn't worth trying at. The condition itself makes you feel like you don't even know why you're bothering. Combine that with low self esteem and you have a toxic little cocktail inside your head which makes you see, and look for, the worst possible outcome in everything. Everything around you goes through a filter of confirmation bias which only makes you feel worse. You stop seeing the positive and focus only on the negative.

My honest opinion is that you should try and work on these symptoms before addressing the cause. Because they're clouding your mind and not allowing you to see things clearly. From reading your post, it seems to me that you have extremely low self esteem and a very low opinion of yourself. In which case, nothing you try will likely make you feel better, because that little voice in your head will tell you it just isn't good enough.

Have you tried Cognitive Behavioural Therapy? It's a way of getting you to change the way you think about things, in order to affect your emotional responses towards them. It can be quite useful for treating depression. I've used it myself.

I do believe you can get past this, sweetie. The depression and negative self-talk isn't you. It's something that's happening to you. And it can be overcome. I believe in you, okay? Don't give up. *extra big hug*
Natura nihil frustra facit.

Offline Rachel

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Sephirah is correct about depression and self hate.

I would like to elaborate on self hate. I speak about myself.
At an early age I shared who I am with my Mom and learned I was very different that others. Things got very bad very quick. It was like dividing my mind into another person. That person was cruel to me to keep me inline. A stranger could not possible be as mean to me as I was to myself.

Living was hell. Over a period of time my suicidal ideation went from planning to standing tall building roofs or rail road bridges but I never chose to go the last little bit. December 2012 the self hate was so bad and sleep so little I started to do impulsive attempts of suicide. The pain was too much to bare.

I got help to deal with my self hate and depression and I ultimately transitioned and completely changed my life.

Self hate was something I created to keep myself from being me. This went on until I had to be me. Everything I had constructed in my life came crashing down and I had to rebuild from zero.

Loss of libido, yup, to a degree. I had GCS and atrophy of genitals was not an issue; I am intersexed and had micro penis and very small genitals. I would say reasonable expectations rule the transition. If you are 45 and transition you will not look 18. Although I was having dental work and the assistant asked my age and I said 56. She said that is not fair, you do not have any wrinkles and you look 40.

The reason I transitioned is because I am a woman and pretending to be a man was killing me. Do I still have depression, yes, but I would access it as a level 3 now when it was a level 10. I never try to kill myself. I still think about it every day but in passing for moments. I have not put a gun to my head for 3 or 4 years. Best of all I like me. I like how I treat others and I like the changes in my body and face. I like that I do not have genital dysphoria. I still am envious of beautiful woman as other woman are.

Having female genitals, boobs and hair and not being overweight (finally, just below BMI of 26 but I have a lot of muscle from exercise) is fantastic, for me. I love putting on light makeup and wearing cloths that fit my mood. You know, the last two days I felt so fantastic it is not funny. That never happened before.

Transitioning is serious. Do it if you need to but do not fool yourself with self hate and excuses. You are who you are. If you need help to change the self speak then start with help first. Take baby steps but do something to address your depression, transition aside.
HRT  5-28-2013
FT   11-13-2015
FFS   9-16-2016 -Spiegel
GCS 11-15-2016 - McGinn
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Offline Janes Groove

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I am in my forth therapist.

I'm curious. Have you discussed your gender issues with all 4 therapists and if so what were their recommendations?
Assigned Male at Birth - 1958
Came out as Gay  1994
Came out, started living full time - Thanksgiving 2015
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Offline Crist

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Hi all,
thank you for comments
I have just come back, my depression has been keeping from doing so.
I haven't read all your messages, I will get back to you as soon as I do.
thank you again

Offline Donna

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Be strong crist and feel free to PM if you want to talk
December 2015 noticed strange feelings moving in
December 2016 started to understand what my body has been telling me all my life, started wearing a bra for comfort full time
Spiro and dutastricide 2017
Mid year 2017 Started dressing and going out shopping etc by myself
October T 14.8 / 456
Came out to my wife in December 2017
January 2018 dressing androgenes and still have face hair
Feb 2018 Dressing full time in female clothing out at work and to friends and family, clean shaven and make up
Living full time March 1 2018
March T 7.4 / 236
April 19th eligard injection, no more Testosterone
June 19th a brand new freshly trained HRT and transgender care doctor for me. Only a one day waiting list to become her patient 😍
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