Author Topic: Conflicted and questioning  (Read 254 times)

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Offline charizard

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Conflicted and questioning
« on: July 08, 2018, 05:23:48 am »
Hey there,

I've been questioning my gender for about 4 years after an "AHA" moment watching an FTM character in a tv show. I'm still unsure, but the descriptor that works best for me at the moment is transmasculine nonbinary. I'm not out to anyone except anonymously online.

I feel very stuck. As a kid all my gender expression choices were met with "you don't want to look like a boy do you?!" or, when I got a bit older, "do you want to look like a lesbian?!". Feeling shot down in my preferred expression I would always settle for the least-worst-'acceptable' option chosen for me.

Sometimes I would reply "yes" to be met with "no you don't." Or repetitive "why's".
So I feel like a default avatar. I barely know how to dress myself. I can count on one hand how many shirts I've bought for myself, and on the other hand how many pairs of pants. Yet I'm 28 years old. I no longer live with my parents, but within the last month I dared to wear something as simple as a backwards baseball cap when out with them and got the exact same comments from mum.

For the most part I am terrified of wearing what I want to wear. In case of judgement. In case of being accused of "wanting to be a boy" or "looking like a lesbian". And most of all in case it just looks so revoltingly wrong and not how I've imagined it to be, because the body within it isn't masculine. I have wanted to get a short hair cut for four years, have even told people to hold myself accountable to doing it, have even got to a hairdresser with the intent, yet remained paralysed from doing it and backed out. I recently put on some weight and my hopes of appearing male seem even more hopeless.

Despite wanting the physique of a man, there are things about being a man that I do not want to experience, both physical characteristics and societal. For one, as a girl I was never bullied and could easily diffuse anyone who tried. As a boy, I wouldn't have had the same luxury.

However the biggest thing is that, being cis-female-passing, I am afforded a great deal of privilege. My career is in an industry which is currently subject to 'positive sexism' towards women. There is no conversation outside of the binary. Giving up my cis-female status would be career suicide. I feel disgusting saying this, but being seen as a female is like 'special status' in this environment. And I don't know if I can give that up to either be seen just as another one of the guys, or become something so far off the radar. Hell, people accuse NB's of wanting to be special snowflakes - if being special was what they wanted they could just be 'special women' in this damn industry.

I'm so choked on the inner conflict I can barely breathe.

Thank you for reading. I don't know what if anything there is to reply to here, but I suppose at least it's out there now.

Offline Dani

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Re: Conflicted and questioning
« Reply #1 on: July 08, 2018, 06:04:20 am »
Hell, people accuse NB's of wanting to be special snowflakes...

Science tells us that all snowflakes are different from each other and no two are alike.

So, I guess, we are all special snowflakes in some sort of way.

Seriously, transition of any sort, involves some sacrifice. Employment is just one of many issues.

As a non-binary, you have flexibility in your presentation that other traditional TG people do not.

Good luck with your decisions on how you want to live your life.



Offline Alaskan Danielle

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Re: Conflicted and questioning
« Reply #2 on: July 08, 2018, 08:31:29 am »
@charizard
    Hello Charizard,  Thank you for your very first posting.
PLEASE KNOW that I am not trying to hijack your thread but I see that you had just become a member of Susan's Place.  Please allow me to give you my Official Welcome.

I am glad that you have become a member of Susan's Place and that you have shared your first thoughts with other members that may read your posting.
I am thinking that you may lots more questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances.
 
Be aware that there are a lot of members here that can identify with what you may be going through.
 
WELCOME you to Susan's Place.  You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others  and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.
It is nice that you had signed up so you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other members.
When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
 
***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace. 

Below, I posted Important LINKS that will tell you about Susan's Place.  Included there is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, there answers there to many questions that new members ask.
Again, Welcome.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:


Things that you should read
Check out my Personal Threads that have more details about myself (click Links):
   "I am the HUNTED PREY : Danielle's Chronicles"
               "Positive Mindset... put away negativity"
                           "Susans Writers and Book Readers"

Started HRT March 2015 3+ years ago, it's been an exciting journey
>>> I've been Full Time since December 2016 :icon_chick:
I am 38 years old, Single, and Self Employed in a small town up in the COLD North.
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Offline Alaskan Danielle

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Re: Conflicted and questioning
« Reply #3 on: July 08, 2018, 08:37:44 am »
@charizard     
Oh, and another thing Charizard ... to let more members here on the Forums know of your arrival and therefore you will receive more involvement in sharing information of interest with you and other like-minded  members reading it will be more apt to share their thoughts with you.

If you would, please go to the  Introductions Forum  to tell the members about yourself!  You should include a summary of the key information that you wrote in your first posting here.
 
Again, Welcome to Susan's Place,
Danielle

Check out my Personal Threads that have more details about myself (click Links):
   "I am the HUNTED PREY : Danielle's Chronicles"
               "Positive Mindset... put away negativity"
                           "Susans Writers and Book Readers"

Started HRT March 2015 3+ years ago, it's been an exciting journey
>>> I've been Full Time since December 2016 :icon_chick:
I am 38 years old, Single, and Self Employed in a small town up in the COLD North.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Offline Dena

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Re: Conflicted and questioning
« Reply #4 on: July 08, 2018, 11:31:50 am »
I feel disgusting saying this, but being seen as a female is like 'special status' in this environment. And I don't know if I can give that up to either be seen just as another one of the guys, or become something so far off the radar.
Welcome to Susan's Place. There is nothing wrong with being transgender and not transitioning. On the MTF side of things we have cross dressers who are comfortable with the male life but occasionally wish to appear feminine. Notice how there isn't an equivalent for somebody FTM? That's because society accepts women wearing mens clothing while it rejects men wearing women clothing. There is nothing wrong with wearing mens clothing in private or possibly in public where your comfortable. Start out with jeans and a flannel shirt which won't draw much attention. Add a few things that you like and build your wardrobe over time. By the way, my sister for some reason wears jeans and flannel shirts all the time. Possibly because she work where the air-conditioner is set low but I am not really sure.

Even people who desire a transition may not for many reasons. Among them is fear of the medical procedures, family commitments and reasons of employment. What ever your reason, it's more important to you than transitioning which means it's the right decision for you at the moment. As we get older, our values change and possibly at some latter date, you may see things in a different light.

For now, explore the site and ask questions. The better you understand your self, the better you will be able to deal with the issues in your life.
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Offline charizard

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Re: Conflicted and questioning
« Reply #5 on: July 09, 2018, 06:12:07 am »
Hi @Dani
Science tells us that all snowflakes are different from each other and no two are alike.
So, I guess, we are all special snowflakes in some sort of way.
Yes I rather think that's their point - ie. they're claiming that some snowflakes are trying to be 'more special' even though all snowflakes are inherently unique/special. But those accusing others of this have likely missed the mark. It just stings to know that it seems to be a majority opinion.

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Seriously, transition of any sort, involves some sacrifice. Employment is just one of many issues.
True, it's just the one that's impacting me the most at the moment even when I'm not trying to transition.

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As a non-binary, you have flexibility in your presentation that other traditional TG people do not.
Maybe. This statement kind of threw me, to be honest. I have flexibility in that 'what non-binary people look like' has a good deal of flexibility. I have less flexibility in that 'what I want to look like' is much narrower.

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Good luck with your decisions on how you want to live your life.
Thanks.



Thanks for the welcome @Alaskan Danielle.



Hi @Dena.
I definitely agree that society is much more accepting of women wearing men's clothing than vice versa. I wouldn't call it 100% accepting, but there is far more leniency granted by the gender police for women in western society.

I typically do wear things like that. But my problem is that I look like a woman-wearing-mens-clothes, which suits me far better than how I see myself when wearing women's clothes, but still doesn't fit how I'm supposed to look in my mind.

Thanks for the pointers.

Offline WallieWorld

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Re: Conflicted and questioning
« Reply #6 on: July 09, 2018, 07:13:25 am »
Hi, I am new hear and yours was the first post I read after I signed up yesterday. I have kept coming back to your post again and again because I hear your deep pain and I can just feel it over here on my end. I don't know what you are going through (I am hear to learn how to support my child that may be transgendered) but I do know what it is to have cognitive structures that hold you back, the fear of rejection, family that have limited beliefs. It sounds like since you were very little that others have tried to push you into their idea of the "normal" gender look. These messages stay with you long after you move out from your parents house and if we don't learn new mental scripts they can stay with us a whole lifetime. I hope that you can learn new ways of thinking to replaces these scripts handed to you from your family, because in this you may find some freedom within yourself. I just feel your pain right now in feeling stuck. So stuck that you don't even know how to dress yourself, as you said. My hope for you is that you can take the path to freedom, to a place where dressing yourself is a joyous form of self expression, an embodiment of freedom and that you can come to a point where you can dress to match how you feel inside and that the joy of that moment will carry you so lightly that you feel as if you are gliding along rather than walking.

But right now you are in this stuck place. This place of fear (and for a good reason considering your job privileges and your mom's comment over something small like a backward baseball hat). I can't give you the answers, I can't tell you what steps to take. This is your journey and I don't have the map. But I can feel your pain and I just want to say that I  truly hope for you to find the freedom as you find the road to take you to freedom within yourself.

Offline Allison S

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Re: Conflicted and questioning
« Reply #7 on: July 09, 2018, 10:22:48 am »
Hi, I'm just wondering what field do you work in?

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Offline charizard

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Re: Conflicted and questioning
« Reply #8 on: July 20, 2018, 04:03:37 am »
Hi, I am new hear and yours was the first post I read after I signed up yesterday.
Hi WallieWorld.
Thanks very much for your kind and understanding post. I hope everything with your child is going ok. It sounds like you're really trying to learn and understand as much as you can to help them, and that's really commendable.

Happily my feelings have eased up a bit since I last posted. It's a bit like that for me - comes and goes in waves, where at times it feels almost unbearable, then other times it's ok to sit with the dissonance. 

Thanks again.
Cheers,
Charizard

Offline charizard

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Re: Conflicted and questioning
« Reply #9 on: July 20, 2018, 04:05:23 am »
Hi, I'm just wondering what field do you work in?
Hi Allison S. I'm in a technical services field.

Offline charizard

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Re: Conflicted and questioning
« Reply #10 on: July 20, 2018, 04:19:59 am »
Update for today.

There's a friend at work who I have always suspected was trans (FTM).

At the time he joined the company, I was obsessively researching FTM stuff and was imagining that almost EVERYONE was trans - random people at the shops, on the bus, just anyone and everyone. He just happened to fit my imagined profile so I put it out of my mind for a while.

But there have been other signs since, and based on gossip I heard today I am 99% sure that he is. He totally passes (even the gossip today wasn't questioning this) but it's too much of an accumulation of co-incidences for me to think otherwise. And there's no way that I want to let him know that I think he's trans because if he is, then he's stealth and I'm not going to compromise that for him. It's up to him to say it if he wants, and not to say it if he doesn't.

For me it kind of sucks though cause he could be someone to talk about stuff with. But I'm not even going to try to bring up my own stuff talking to him while I'm in this weird in-between dodgy damn place where I don't know wtf I'm doing.
I'm super happy for him, but unhappy for me lol.

Offline Satinjoy

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Re: Conflicted and questioning
« Reply #11 on: Yesterday at 11:07:00 pm »
Tricky spot to be in.

He may read you and come to you some day.

I live in multiple presents.  Its easy to hide my body.

Work became hard, eventually I started presenting nb.

Then my job went away.

If you can play the game, play it.  Doesnt change who you are at core.

Its the social construct.  Play it for what ot is if you can, then go home and put your hair up and be you.

But there is a point dysphoria may win out, and thats whete we all start making the tough choices with their associated consequences.

I wear a diamond engagement ring with my wedding nand and a gorgeous crystal pink blue white blue pink ring.  Clearly trans.

Other trans can come if they want.

And in my current place I am the only transperson i know.

Hopefully your coworker breaks the ice sometimes. 

Hang in there.
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