Author Topic: Hello (Creative, No?)  (Read 912 times)

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Offline Tamika Olivia

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Hello (Creative, No?)
« on: July 12, 2015, 01:59:11 am »
Alright, so this might be a bit of a rambling wall of text. It's around 1 AM local time as I write this, and my thoughts are still kind of whirling. I'll start by saying hi, letting you all know that I'm not sure what I'm going to write yet, and I beg forgiveness for any distraction I cause.

I am a 28 year old, externally male, attorney from the southern US. I've leaned left for a few years on political matters, I'm atheistic, and I am lightly bisexual (I prefer women, but certain guys are just as attractive). In the interest of full disclosure, I am also a virgin. I have nearly crippling social anxiety disorder, and this was exacerbated in my youth by a number of moves around the country. I never put down roots, so I wasn't really able to form lasting social connections until college. I have a core group of good friends, but dating still eludes me... maybe for more reasons than I realized.

I've never really thought about my gender identity. I've made a few, internal, passing nods to the notion that I don't really enjoy typical masculine pursuits, but beyond that it hasn't been a big question for me to face. That all changed recently. I have a friend who, in an act of extraordinary bravery, came out as a transgender male. I read his post, and it stirred something in me. From that reading on, I've been considering my gender identity, and the consideration keeps pointing to female.

Like I said before, I've never really considered my gender identity in great detail. But using hindsight, and the motivation brought about by my friend's bravery, I've been seeing some things from my past in a different life. I play, almost exclusively, female characters in video games. I've never been interested in traditional masculine pursuits. I had friends that were boys, but I tended to prefer hanging out with girls. Now, a lot of these hindsight details rely on gendered stereotypes, and I could just be projecting adult thoughts onto my child's mind. But even setting aside the backward's glancing, I've been consumed with a single thought for days: "I wish I was a woman."

There is a comedian, Julia Sweeny, that has a story about when she became an atheist. In the recounting, she talks about how scared she was about letting go of god. How she found a way to do it safely, she told herself that she was going to put on the "no god" glasses, take a look around at the world for a few seconds, and then throw them off. Only she didn't, she put the glasses on and the world became clearer, she never took them off. I did something similar a day or two after hearing my friend's story, I put on the "I'm a girl" glasses, and assumed I would be able to throw them off at will. Once they were on... I didn't want to take them off. I liked how the world looked.

I've been suicidal for the past few years. No attempts, but there have been times where I really wished I was dead. I attributed this largely to the lingering effects of law school, which is when the depression started. Law school is where demons go when they want to feel better about living in hell, I think. Anyway, ever since I put on the "I'm a girl" glasses... I haven't had a suicidal thought. I'm not saying that the thought is a cure for depression, I know reality doesn't back that claim, but for the first time in a long time I feel honestly happy about myself and the future.

I tend to passion project. I'll get really mentally into something for a few days, and then back out months or years down the line when it proves too difficult. I've tried my hand at a few novels, I ran a failed podcast with a group of friends, and I'm currently experiencing a surge of passion for photography. I've had a few fleeting thoughts that my current rumination on my gender identity is one of these things... but I don't think so. It may be on the top of the pile these days, but I think it's been there for a while now. I want... or maybe I am a woman. In every way but my body.

Now, why am I telling this to you? My family, with the exception of my wonderful younger sister, would not understand. I love my parents, but my father is a bigot to his core. I haven't told him that I don't believe in God, so I don't know how I can tell him this. My mother isn't a much easier tell. She knows about the atheist thing, but she has made some fairly trans-phobic comments in the past. She cried over the Obergefell decision, because of the cognitive dissonance between her religious beliefs and her desire to see people be happy. I might be able to tell her, but it would hurt her deeply I think. My sister, if and when the dust settles, and I know who I am, I will tell without hesitation. She's too awesome to keep in the dark for long.

My friends are of much broader minds and would understand, but as I said, social anxiety. I rarely talk about my preferences for dinner, much less something as deeply personal as this. Again, maybe when the dust settles. My best friend I could tell without the anxiety... but something is holding me back. Fear, I think. I love him like a brother, and he has said some very trans positive things in the past, but he's one of the rocks of my life. If he crumbled due to unforeseen pressure... it would unmake me. Maybe I should trust him more? I dunno.

So, that's why I'm telling you. My anxiety is less in situations like these, where I'm protected by the veil of the internet. I also think (and hope) that some of you will understand the things I'm thinking right now.

And, one last note on my username. I use another name elsewhere on the web, but it's closely tied to my identity. So I chose this one. Until this all started, I was Thomas (or Tom). Now, I think I am or I am becoming Tamika (or Tam). I picked Tamika because it sounds pretty, and it reminds me of Welcome to Nightvale. Thanks for reading this!

Offline jaynemonroe79

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Re: Hello (Creative, No?)
« Reply #1 on: July 12, 2015, 02:07:43 am »
I am exactly where you are right now. Different backgrounds but we are at the same crossroads. Feel free to talk to me any time. I am a southerner living in the Midwest so I know what it's like to live amongst the intolerant. Please feel free to reach out any time, as I too am a newby and could use the friendship.

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Offline LordKAT

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Re: Hello (Creative, No?)
« Reply #2 on: July 12, 2015, 02:27:31 am »
Hi TamorTom, welcome to Susan's. Tamika sounds cool to me. Your feelings and late discovery are not unusual. As you look around the site and read more, I think you will find there are many who share your experiences.

Here are some links to site rules and some answers to often asked questions.


I'm glad you found us and look forward to seeing more of you.

Offline V M

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Re: Hello (Creative, No?)
« Reply #3 on: July 12, 2015, 02:59:55 am »
Hi TamorTom  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's  :)  Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M
The main things to remember in life are Love, Kindness, Understanding and Respect - Always make forward progress

Superficial fanny kissing friends are a dime a dozen, a TRUE FRIEND however is PRICELESS

 
- V M

Offline breana_16

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Re: Hello (Creative, No?)
« Reply #4 on: July 12, 2015, 03:46:50 am »
your not alone

i hang out with boys

and its okay its our personality

the person who can change our self is us no one else don't listen to other commands


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Mod note: please do not pad your posts over several posts.
« Last Edit: July 12, 2015, 06:06:27 am by Ms Grace »

Offline Rachel

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Re: Hello (Creative, No?)
« Reply #5 on: July 12, 2015, 05:41:35 am »
Welcome to Susan's.

A gender therapist would help you figure out your next steps.

In group, there are 5 that are on the spectrum (self identified). The group has about 100 in it but 25 to 35 come each week. 3 are my friends and are awesome and we interact weekly. I understand awkward and shy and when you make friends you will open up, it takes time to trust and feel comfortable.

Offline katrinaw

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Re: Hello (Creative, No?)
« Reply #6 on: July 12, 2015, 08:00:58 am »
A big warm welcome to Susan's Tamor/Tamika so lovely to have you join us.

Firstly I do understand how hard it must have been continuously moving around and just as you make a home-base with friends etc. you're uprooted again. It did not happen to me but people very close to me (armed forces, barracking), they became very insular and poor with communications... but we stayed close for many years.

You have come to the right place, for likeminded friendship, support and help... however a great place to start would be with a gender therapist/counsellor who will help you decide how you want to progress. Its always at your pace and as you'll pick up, many have reasons for taking longer, delaying or moving very quickly.

I think you'll find by sharing your feelings with people, the calmer you'll feel about your path forward. Its a shame that you feel your parents may not support your decision, but regardless, over time they may well come to accept. Its always hard bridging barriers with loved ones, probably one of the hardest bits about transitioning.

Anyway welcome and look forward to seeing you about the forum's

L Katy  :-*
Long term MTF in transition... HRT since ~ 2003...
Journey recommenced Sept 2015  :eusa_clap:... planning FT 2016  :eusa_pray:

Randomly changing 'Katy PIC's'

Live life, embrace life and love life xxx

Offline Mariah

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Re: Hello (Creative, No?)
« Reply #7 on: July 12, 2015, 02:15:20 pm »
Hi TamorTom, welcome to Susan's. Thank you for sharing your story. A gender therapist would be a good next thing to look into. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Hugs
Mariah
If you have any questions, please feel free to ask me.
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I am also spouse of genderfluid person.

Offline Tamika Olivia

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Re: Hello (Creative, No?)
« Reply #8 on: July 12, 2015, 10:37:05 pm »
Everyone, thank you for the warm welcome and the words of advice. I wanted to drop a brief update. I spoke with my best friend tonight, and he really shined. I started by talking about the post by our mutual friend, had him read it, and then started to tell him how it impacted me. He caught that I was nervous, so he stopped me early, and told me that no matter what I was about to say, I was his best friend and that would never change. So I told him, the whole story above, including the suicidal thoughts. His biggest and only concerns were for my depression and safety. This process has been scary, but that part was wonderful.

I do plan on taking some time to visit a gender therapist. I'm currently looking for one in my area and in my insurance plan. Surprisingly, the South has a number of gender therapists, or at least therapists with interests in the subject, so I have my pick. Hopefully I'll post another update soon.

Regards All,

Tamika

Offline Cindy

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Offline Tamika Olivia

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Re: Hello (Creative, No?)
« Reply #10 on: July 16, 2018, 11:14:45 pm »
Well hello there, past me. Sorry to bump an extremely old topic, but it was right around my anniversary and I was feeling nostalgic.

And now I'm going to write to past me, address some of her (spoilers, the confused original poster... totes a girl. 100%.) concerns. If you're new here, maybe it will help to see the next part of the story.

Tamika,

I know you're scared and confused right now, and the one worry you have, but won't say, is that people here will tell you that you aren't trans. That by posting this message, you've displayed some disqualifying characteristic or discordant piece of the narrative. I even know why that scares you so much. You're scared that they'll tell you no, that this perfect answer to the question of you will evaporate. You're scared that this means you won't get to be a girl.

Don't worry, it isn't so. Everyone is very nice here, and they're going to see the same things that I now see clear as day. They'll see the pain and the desire intermingled, the desperate need to prove your case. To show them what you want so bad. They'll see the echoes of themselves in your story and your fears. They'll see a girl. And don't worry, babe, because you are. The thing you used to pray for and dream about is, made flesh by your desire.

Let me tell you about the next three years. You tell Michael, and he's a champ. You also figure out that you're in love with him, but that doesn't work out. You're still besties though!

Hannah won't he quite as ride or die as you think. She struggles with it, apparently you as a guy was very key to her. She loves you, and you love her though. Just maybe a bit differently. Oh, and you have a niece now! She's almost 2, and I know you don't like kids, but you'll like her.

Dad is totally gonna surprise you! He is pretty upset at first, and calls you T for a year. But he calls you Tamika now, and he has not messed up a pronoun in over a year. He even uses feminine coded terms of endearment, and defends you against Uncle Mike (who is actually a bigot).

Mum takes it rougher. She cried a lot, but switched to Tamika eventually. She still lapses and uses a pronoun or deadname, but she tries. She also repaired your rainbow skirt (get that on sale BTW). She is trying.

Your friends? You think you're tightly knit right now. But babe, you ain't seen nothing yet. The ones you have near you, and the ones that come along later, are family. You'll play trivia with them, you're going to DM a dungeons and dragons game, you're going to actually write with their help. Hell, in a few years you'll roommate with one of them. I'll save the who as a surprise.

You're going to get two new cars, live in three different places, and get a new job. You'll be in two car crashes, but you'll be okay. You are going to buy so much clothing. More clothes than you imagined. And you'll get clothes from others. Clothes are good.

But that's all external. I want to tell you about you. You're going to spend a few weeks searching for a therapist, and you'll find a good one. She will see you until late August, and will write your hormone letter.

You'll find a doctor in Eureka Springs who will prescribe you hormones. He kinda stinks, but will be replaced by another, better doctor. Estrogen is gonna rock your world, babe. It is going to polish away all the parts of your personality that you built as a defense mechanism, and only the diamond is going to remain. You cry, laugh, opine, and talk now. You don't just default into friends, you make friendships.

And it's going to do amazing things to your body. Your skin? So soft. Your face? Heart shaped and great from most angles. Your chest? Having your breasts as you go through life is going to bring you so much comfort and wholeness. You will wonder how you ever remained sane without those there. It's slow, but soon you'll be me.

You're full time. I know you think that's impossible right now, but you're wrong. When you finally do it, it will feel as natural and necessary as breathing. Hiding the true you will be, quite literally, no longer possible. It's not easy. You will feel the stares, the stumbled pronouns, the constant fear of clocking. But you are going to become so tough. You will withstand things that right now you feel would crumble you to dust, and they will feel routine.

Oh, and the new job I mention, you get it. Tamika gets it. As long as you are in the closet, in order to better your opportunities, you never get a better job. When you are you, it happens in a snap. The first one you applied for. Oh, and Tamika wasn't a temporary resting place, it's your name. Legally and spiritually, yours.

And the grey darkness? That ends. It started when you put on those girl glasses. It lifts away when you start the estrogen. It evaporates when you go full time. I can't guarantee it will never return, but three years on and it's still gone. You're okay, you're happy, you have a future.

And so do I. Specifically, I have to wake up at 5 am for work. So, I need to stop waxing nostalgic about my transition, and complementing myself in the form of a rhetorical exercise. I'll leave with this. I love baby trans me, because without her none of this would. I hope the new people on this forum will he able to look back with love to their baby trans selves.

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


Offline MissyMay2.0

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Re: Hello (Creative, No?)
« Reply #11 on: July 17, 2018, 01:29:02 am »
Well hello there, past me. Sorry to bump an extremely old topic, but it was right around my anniversary and I was feeling nostalgic.

And now I'm going to write to past me, address some of her (spoilers, the confused original poster... totes a girl. 100%.) concerns. If you're new here, maybe it will help to see the next part of the story.

Tamika,

I know you're scared and confused right now, and the one worry you have, but won't say, is that people here will tell you that you aren't trans. That by posting this message, you've displayed some disqualifying characteristic or discordant piece of the narrative. I even know why that scares you so much. You're scared that they'll tell you no, that this perfect answer to the question of you will evaporate. You're scared that this means you won't get to be a girl.

Don't worry, it isn't so. Everyone is very nice here, and they're going to see the same things that I now see clear as day. They'll see the pain and the desire intermingled, the desperate need to prove your case. To show them what you want so bad. They'll see the echoes of themselves in your story and your fears. They'll see a girl. And don't worry, babe, because you are. The thing you used to pray for and dream about is, made flesh by your desire.

Let me tell you about the next three years. You tell Michael, and he's a champ. You also figure out that you're in love with him, but that doesn't work out. You're still besties though!

Hannah won't he quite as ride or die as you think. She struggles with it, apparently you as a guy was very key to her. She loves you, and you love her though. Just maybe a bit differently. Oh, and you have a niece now! She's almost 2, and I know you don't like kids, but you'll like her.

Dad is totally gonna surprise you! He is pretty upset at first, and calls you T for a year. But he calls you Tamika now, and he has not messed up a pronoun in over a year. He even uses feminine coded terms of endearment, and defends you against Uncle Mike (who is actually a bigot).

Mum takes it rougher. She cried a lot, but switched to Tamika eventually. She still lapses and uses a pronoun or deadname, but she tries. She also repaired your rainbow skirt (get that on sale BTW). She is trying.

Your friends? You think you're tightly knit right now. But babe, you ain't seen nothing yet. The ones you have near you, and the ones that come along later, are family. You'll play trivia with them, you're going to DM a dungeons and dragons game, you're going to actually write with their help. Hell, in a few years you'll roommate with one of them. I'll save the who as a surprise.

You're going to get two new cars, live in three different places, and get a new job. You'll be in two car crashes, but you'll be okay. You are going to buy so much clothing. More clothes than you imagined. And you'll get clothes from others. Clothes are good.

But that's all external. I want to tell you about you. You're going to spend a few weeks searching for a therapist, and you'll find a good one. She will see you until late August, and will write your hormone letter.

You'll find a doctor in Eureka Springs who will prescribe you hormones. He kinda stinks, but will be replaced by another, better doctor. Estrogen is gonna rock your world, babe. It is going to polish away all the parts of your personality that you built as a defense mechanism, and only the diamond is going to remain. You cry, laugh, opine, and talk now. You don't just default into friends, you make friendships.

And it's going to do amazing things to your body. Your skin? So soft. Your face? Heart shaped and great from most angles. Your chest? Having your breasts as you go through life is going to bring you so much comfort and wholeness. You will wonder how you ever remained sane without those there. It's slow, but soon you'll be me.

You're full time. I know you think that's impossible right now, but you're wrong. When you finally do it, it will feel as natural and necessary as breathing. Hiding the true you will be, quite literally, no longer possible. It's not easy. You will feel the stares, the stumbled pronouns, the constant fear of clocking. But you are going to become so tough. You will withstand things that right now you feel would crumble you to dust, and they will feel routine.

Oh, and the new job I mention, you get it. Tamika gets it. As long as you are in the closet, in order to better your opportunities, you never get a better job. When you are you, it happens in a snap. The first one you applied for. Oh, and Tamika wasn't a temporary resting place, it's your name. Legally and spiritually, yours.

And the grey darkness? That ends. It started when you put on those girl glasses. It lifts away when you start the estrogen. It evaporates when you go full time. I can't guarantee it will never return, but three years on and it's still gone. You're okay, you're happy, you have a future.

And so do I. Specifically, I have to wake up at 5 am for work. So, I need to stop waxing nostalgic about my transition, and complementing myself in the form of a rhetorical exercise. I'll leave with this. I love baby trans me, because without her none of this would. I hope the new people on this forum will he able to look back with love to their baby trans selves.

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk
That was sweet, thanks for sharing 😊

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