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Am I actually MtF?

Yes
8 (66.7%)
No
0 (0%)
Maybe?
2 (16.7%)
Just here to see the results
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Author Topic: Am I actually MtF? Last minute SrS decisionmaking  (Read 531 times)

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Offline Queenie

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Am I actually MtF? Last minute SrS decisionmaking
« on: July 23, 2018, 01:02:38 am »
Ok. So my Doctor/Therapist, Dr.Olsen (really well known trans specialist for children)said that I am a MtF.
Here's my story why I'm confused

When I was 11, I noticed I weirdly was excited about being in the girls line

When I was 14, I noticed that I was liking girly stuff. I just assumed that it was because my dad constantly told me to be a man or because I watched Sailormoon when I was 9 and was somehow jelous and wanted to be like them.

When I was 16 I found out I was trans. I bought hormones online and took it without any supervision. Parents found it a year later and I got in serious trouble.

When I was 18, college finally started and I tried to be a guy for a year.

When I was 19, it was getting difficult and started taking hormones again at 20
First bf happened but I wouldn't let him touch me down there. I was too self-conscious and I was completely incog. Did this for all the guys. I dreamed of having a V.


At 23, my insurance kept on denying me. They said that I cannot do surgery and I was crying and everyday I was trying to get them to accept me. It took many hours and days and months of emotional stress... Finally... They accepted me... But once they accepted me, all I felt was fear and it slowly sunk in. I managed to brush off all these feelings for a couple months and refused to think about it.

I am now 24, and I am having SrS with Satterwhite and I am terrified. First off, it's not like I hate my D but more like I don't really care about it... Yet, I am terrified of SrS... Honestly, I just want to cancel the surgery and become a guy. I'm just confused if this is anxiety/fear/or if I really am MtF. First time I actually feel like I could be a guy is what's confusing me...

Offline Mendi

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Re: Am I actually MtF? Last minute SrS decisionmaking
« Reply #1 on: July 23, 2018, 01:37:56 am »
I think some reflection before SRS is quite common. I had a 24 hour travel time from home to Thailand and I kept constantly during those 24 hours asking myself, that are you sure? At home in the airport, I thought, that I could still go home. Just forget whole surgery. During flight to Bangkok, I still kept saying that I could just take a flight back to home immediately.

In the hotel room I still kept on asking myself that are you sure? For nearly 3 days.

Checking into the hospital and putting on the patient clothes, that really was the tipping point , that this is now real, it is really happening, ARE YOU SURE?. I had about an hour, before I would be taken to operating room. I just you know listed everything why I would want to cancel surgery...and for me, there wasn´t many things...nearly anything, because the thing between my legs hadn´t worked in nearly 10 years, no connection.

So the bottom line was, that I´m not loosing anything at all, I will only gain.

The very hard self reflection that I had in advance showed in the operating room. I was there already in the operating table, nurses preparing my "material" and the anesthesia nurse was surprise to look at my blood pressure and heart beat...saying, that she had never seen someone being so calm, just minutes away from going to sleep and having a life changing surgery.

And no, they didn´t give me any pre-op meds either...and I didn´t ask, because I didn´t feel like I would have need those...

Online Arianna Valentine

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Re: Am I actually MtF? Last minute SrS decisionmaking
« Reply #2 on: July 23, 2018, 01:40:11 am »
Honestly it could just be the fact that surgery is scary it does not matter what kind of surgery it is so that really could be what's going on is your just scared of the fact that it's a surgery it's an operation but that's just what I think

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Offline Queenie

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Re: Am I actually MtF? Last minute SrS decisionmaking
« Reply #3 on: July 23, 2018, 09:15:50 am »
I think some reflection before SRS is quite common. I had a 24 hour travel time from home to Thailand and I kept constantly during those 24 hours asking myself, that are you sure? At home in the airport, I thought, that I could still go home. Just forget whole surgery. During flight to Bangkok, I still kept saying that I could just take a flight back to home immediately.

How do you feel? Did you feel you made the right decision? What's the status on your surgery?

In the hotel room I still kept on asking myself that are you sure? For nearly 3 days.

Checking into the hospital and putting on the patient clothes, that really was the tipping point , that this is now real, it is really happening, ARE YOU SURE?. I had about an hour, before I would be taken to operating room. I just you know listed everything why I would want to cancel surgery...and for me, there wasn´t many things...nearly anything, because the thing between my legs hadn´t worked in nearly 10 years, no connection.

So the bottom line was, that I´m not loosing anything at all, I will only gain.

The very hard self reflection that I had in advance showed in the operating room. I was there already in the operating table, nurses preparing my "material" and the anesthesia nurse was surprise to look at my blood pressure and heart beat...saying, that she had never seen someone being so calm, just minutes away from going to sleep and having a life changing surgery.

And no, they didn´t give me any pre-op meds either...and I didn´t ask, because I didn´t feel like I would have need those...

Offline Mendi

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Re: Am I actually MtF? Last minute SrS decisionmaking
« Reply #4 on: July 23, 2018, 09:41:56 am »
How do you feel? Did you feel you made the right decision? What's the status on your surgery?

Post-op for 16 days and yes, it was the right decision, even though I will be financially in a bit tight situation, but I´ve never been happier. I have never smiled alone, now I have.

The surgery has risks, so that´s why it´s quite understandable to have some serious considerations.

But, only you can say are you a trans woman or not, not anybody else, not a therapist and nobody in this forum.

if you need, postpone the surgery for few months and think things over again.

Offline Queenie

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Re: Am I actually MtF? Last minute SrS decisionmaking
« Reply #5 on: July 23, 2018, 01:52:36 pm »
Post-op for 16 days and yes, it was the right decision, even though I will be financially in a bit tight situation, but I´ve never been happier. I have never smiled alone, now I have.

The surgery has risks, so that´s why it´s quite understandable to have some serious considerations.

But, only you can say are you a trans woman or not, not anybody else, not a therapist and nobody in this forum.

if you need, postpone the surgery for few months and think things over again.

I mean ya I know it's up to my decision. I was just hoping someone would have a similar thinking to mine and explain what they did and how the results went. Is this a normal thing to think about before SrS?

Offline SailorMars1994

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Re: Am I actually MtF? Last minute SrS decisionmaking
« Reply #6 on: July 23, 2018, 02:42:01 pm »
Breathe girl. I have little doubt in my mind you're female but I can't tell you what you actually are 100%. Only you know for sure. I am on a waiting list for grs too and when I'm not having the moments of omg I can't wait for this to happen I have had moments of no so much doubts but rather "omg this is actually going to happen". It is scary, all surgery is scary. I was scared going under for nose surgery when I was 18. But the befeits can only out weigh the other stuff. I have no interest in sexuality where I have a penis, I find that the two balls underneath are a curse that made my appearance male when I should have always been seen and treated and been allowed to live as a female since out of womb and I don't even pee standing up at any point. Even when out in the bush if I have to pee I squat  in a position as I would when I get grs and I'm in bush nowhere near an outhouse or such (I know other females who do same). Once I remeber these things whatever surgical fear i would have turns into ambition and detication to making my outside go as I feel on the in and whatever surgical fears I could have turn into euphoria feelings knowing I will be complete on the outside.

My fears with surgery are less about thinking it could be wrong and more about will everything go accordingly. I just want a vagina that would be deformed or damaged in sugary by some accident. Even then, I am still reminded that dr brassard is well known for good work and that's things will be ok!! I can't wait for my grs :)

Inbox me if you need anything else girl for comfort or emotional support, like you I too am 24 :)
AMAB Born: March 1994
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Offline Sno

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Re: Am I actually MtF? Last minute SrS decisionmaking
« Reply #7 on: July 23, 2018, 03:12:07 pm »
Queenie, dahling. (I just had to say it :) ),

If surgery is your fear, then the actual process is pain free, and you are blissfully unaware that anything is happening until you come round in the post-op room. I’m sure that you’ve broken a bone - the pain slowly goes until you no longer notice as it is with surgery. Yes,there are drugs to help and yes, you’ll be prescribed those as you need.

Now to be clear, I’ve not had SRS, and those ladies will be able to inform you of their experiences.

However, you do need to talk to your therapist about this. Yes, the process is engineered to allow you space to back out (and you can if that is what you desire), it is also engineered to allow for full and proper support along the way.

Some doubt is normal, and natural.


(Hugs)

Rowan

Offline christinej78

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Re: Am I actually MtF? Last minute SrS decisionmaking
« Reply #8 on: July 23, 2018, 03:17:13 pm »

Inbox me if you need anything else girl for comfort or emotional support, like you I too am 24 :)

Hi SailorMars,                               23 July 2018

I like your signature:  "Save a tree wipe your arse with an owl"

Best Always, Love,
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Offline Sephirah

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Re: Am I actually MtF? Last minute SrS decisionmaking
« Reply #9 on: July 23, 2018, 03:24:05 pm »
If I can offer a suggestion, sweetie, because it's something that happened with a good friend of mine... perhaps the fear isn't abut SRS, but about what happens after that. See while we know what we need to do, our goals in life are simple. And working towards them are simple... if not always easy. We know what we need to do to get to where we want to be. It's all straightforward, you know?

But after that, there's a sense of "What now?". The feeling of "What do I do with my life now?". When you have what you want... where do you go from there? That's the hard part. It's something I know some people struggle with. Sometimes the journey defines the person, and once the journey is over they feel like Frodo Baggins... like they just disappear into oblivion never to be heard from again.

From your post it sounds like this is what you want, sweetie. But maybe you're scared of how your life will be after. How you define yourself. When you don't have that immediate goal to work towards. It's been a part of your life for a long time. In a way it's played a part in defining you, Queenie. As it does so many people. It's a life narrative. It's something you struggle with through your life... to get it fixed... and once it is... what then, you know? When you don't have that "Yes, this is what I need to do!" in front of you. Do you think maybe this could be part of the fear?

I would just like to pose the question of... well... what if the fear isn't of SRS, but of what you do afterwards? If so... sweetie, that doesn't make you anything other than human. Sometimes we all get scared of trying to figure things out. Of working out what we need to do. Sometimes it isn't as clear as "I need to be me."

I may be way off with this, but I can't help feeling from your first post, that your life was structured up until this point. Everything had a purpose. You knew what you needed to do... and what scares you now is that once this last step is over... you're not sure what comes after it.

If that's the case then all I can really say is... what comes after is entirely up to you, Queenie. After dreaming of something for so long... once you have it... the rest is entirely in your hands, sweetie. You can start to actually live your life.

*extra big hug*
Natura nihil frustra facit.

Offline HappyMoni

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Re: Am I actually MtF? Last minute SrS decisionmaking
« Reply #10 on: July 23, 2018, 04:10:32 pm »
Well, if you can give up dysphoria and go be a guy, good luck with that. You would be the first one I ever heard of doing that. I can't tell you if surgery is right for you. I said this before that our brains make us scared before a dramatic life change as a way to stop us from doing crazy things without thinking. I recently had breast aug. I got pretty anxious before it took place, but I also realized it is something I always wanted. I have no regrets now having it done. I never regretted my GCS but I am a different person than you. I think Mendi said it right. Are you thinking of not doing surgery for some positive reason, like using your genitalia for pleasure or having a penis fits into your way of life? Or is this your fear trying to back you away from something you want?
Moni
If I ever offend you, let me know. It's not what I am about.
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HRT June 11, 2015. (new birthday) - FFS in late June 2016. (Dr. _____=Ugh!) - Full time June 18, 2016 (Yeah! finally) - GCS June 27, 2017. (McGinn=Yeah!) - Under Eye repair from FFS 8/17/17 - Nose surgery-November 20, 2017 (Dr. Papel=Yeah) - Hair Transplant on June 21, 2018 (Dr. Cooley-yeah) - Breast Augmentation on July 10, 2018 (Dr. Basner in Baltimore) - Removed bad scarring from FFS surgery near ears and hairline in August, 2018 (Dr. Papel) -Sept. 2018, starting a skin regiment on face with Retin A

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Offline Dena

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Re: Am I actually MtF? Last minute SrS decisionmaking
« Reply #11 on: July 23, 2018, 06:10:44 pm »
I was unsure/nervous when I had surgery however I had one argument that drove me forward. I remembered the discomfort I felt as a male and I knew that life would be a dead end for me. Going forward was filled with uncertainty but going back the results were certain. If you can see something in your past that makes you think you could survive and be happy as a male, then maybe you should reconsider your decision for surgery. People have called off their surgery at the last minute though not often. Just remember the the surgery is a big commitment and once done, it isn't really reversible.
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Offline Virginia 71

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Re: Am I actually MtF? Last minute SrS decisionmaking
« Reply #12 on: July 24, 2018, 12:18:04 am »
I'm asking myself the same question and I am only seven months into HRT. I am convinced the reason is that I dont feel like I am ever going to pass and it would be SO nice to have a life where my mind and my body matched up and passed with the rest of the world. I mean, feeling OK in my own skin and not being self conscious...must be nice.

At the same time, there is no way I would stop HRT. There is no way I would go back. How could I? I don't think life after transition will be like I imagined but at the same time I can't imagine not going through it. Better to deal with getting over being self conscious than to feel stuck in the wrong body.

Best of all things to you!

:-)

Offline MikeP

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Re: Am I actually MtF? Last minute SrS decisionmaking
« Reply #13 on: July 24, 2018, 11:04:42 am »
I don.t think anyone can say for you weather you are are or are not trans but why not keep on HRT and keep the parts until you do know. This is coming from someone who has never had a desire for a vagina but I suffer from genital dysphoria and I am trying to figure out what is the best for me.  Making good decisions is GOOD. 
If you say you can or cant do something you are correct! Henry Ford

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