Author Topic: Making sense... dreaming vs wishing vs feeling vs knowing you are female inside  (Read 956 times)

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Offline Karen

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Hi there...

"I always felt different"; "I related more to girls"; "I was always more sensitive and feminine"; "I tried on my sisters clothes"; "I grew up in a homophobic community"; "I suppressed my feminine feelings".....

Many of us have shared these experiences and feelings, and many of us have had the light bulb clicked on later on in life with the feeling of a lightning storm or dam breaking.

Even with clear gender dysphoria and acceptance of transgender...and small transition steps, still the questions come up periodically...am I really female inside"; "am I delirious and have I just created a crazy dream or wish"...

Do others have shared experience with this doubt and uncertainty?   How do you or did you make sense of it?

I always appreciate everyone's experience and perspective. 

Hugs

Karen

PS for me part of this is the contrast of desire and knowing how I feel vs fear of what it might mean and making a mistake. 
Karen

* felt different like I did not fit, with strong feminine feelings and gender questions my entire life
* Sept 2016 - January 2017 real began to seriously question and research gender
* August 2017 friend explains transgender and gender vs sexual orientation, and immediately felt shock and begin to believe I maybe transgender
* March 2018 after 3 therapists, accepts I am transgender and am transitioning
* July 18, 2018 began HRT

Online Alaskan Danielle

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Hi there...

"I always felt different"; "I related more to girls"; "I was always more sensitive and feminine"; "I tried on my sisters clothes"; "I grew up in a homophobic community"; "I suppressed my feminine feelings".....

Many of us have shared these experiences and feelings, and many of us have had the light bulb clicked on later on in life with the feeling of a lightning storm or dam breaking.

Even with clear gender dysphoria and acceptance of transgender...and small transition steps, still the questions come up periodically...am I really female inside"; "am I delirious and have I just created a crazy dream or wish"...

Do others have shared experience with this doubt and uncertainty?   How do you or did you make sense of it?

I always appreciate everyone's experience and perspective. 

Hugs

Karen

PS for me part of this is the contrast of desire and knowing how I feel vs fear of what it might mean and making a mistake.

@Karen
Dear Karen:
Definitely you are not alone with the feelings that you described.  As with you, I likewise always related to girls better that with guys. 

Many of us, including myself, have experienced doubts and anxiety as we started this process called transitioning... but for me the longer I was into my journey and upon seeing the changes in my body I did experience feeling fear about the fact that I was at the point of no return... so meeting with counselors and having many days and nights of trying to think clearly about my new future..... I hit my "go full speed ahead" button and have never looked back nor have I had any more doubts, fear, nor any thoughts of making a mistake. 
An old military saying that may fit our conversation topic on this comes to mind:
        “Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!”

I guess that my advice to you is to consider more therapy, more discussion with others in your situation, talking to your doctor and therapist specifically about your feelings....  then you, and only you, have to make the decisions that will indeed change the rest of your life.   

Another saying that comes to mind that many older and wiser persons that have lived a long life might say: 
        "I don't regret what I did do as much as regretting what I didn't do."

Well Karen, please do what you must do, I wish that all of this was cut and dry and reveals a clear path for you but as I said, it is your decision and only your decision.  Talk to lots of people, get professional advice, etc.

Hugs and hugs,
Danielle


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Offline Allison S

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Do others have shared experience with this doubt and uncertainty?  I think so. At least I know I do but I'm not full time or anything.

 How do you or did you make sense of it? Still trying to. I think if something you really want and it grows inside you... It'll find it's way out. That goes for negative things too, so I choose the unknown scary life changing route over self destruction.
Well some people, like my mom, will say I'm ruining or have ruined my life.
Maybe? Do we really have that much power over things? I think I can handle what I can and what I can't handle will be there anyway. If that even makes sense..

Sorry if I'm confusing anyone. It's the one life you have... Live it in peace if you can.

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Offline wanderingaddy

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Hi Karen
I’ve been experiencing this doubt and uncertainty more and more as I get closer to my upcoming appointment with a gender specialist.

The thing that I keep coming back to is recognizing how much more comfortable I feel in my body now than I did before I accepted who I really was. Before I felt like my mind was wrapped in this fog and the real me trapped inside.

Since coming to this realization I’ve noticed my sense of the world changing. It feels more open and I am beginning to experience life in a much more colorful way than before (no more black and white filter blocking my view of the world).

So now when I feel those doubts set in, I make sure to stop and remind myself of the positive things I am noticing and experiencing in myself and the confidence it brings to my sense of being.

I hope this helps :)
Amber

Offline Janes Groove

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Whenever I have those "Dear God! What the hell have I done" moments I always go back to my original reason for doing this. 

I just didn't want to live in the closet anymore.  I didn't want to live in hiding.   I didn't want to take my dirty, little, secret to the grave as I always suspected that I would.  I wanted everybody and his sister to know that I am me and me is somebody who likes to wear women's clothes and has dreamed about medical transition for decades.  And let the chips fall where they may.

And that reason is just as valid today as it was over 3 years ago when I started my transition.

Assigned Male at Birth - 1958
Came out as Gay  1994
Came out, started living full time - Thanksgiving 2015
Started HRT - 5-27-2016

Estrogen HRT = the surprising arrival of a rainbow within me.

Offline Kirsteneklund7

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Hi Karen,
It's like the question " Is this love or the idea of being in love". The doubt and uncertainty plays a big part.
People told me it's just stress, it's part of "normal midlife crisis" As a natural skeptic I took that on board. But, if this is just a daydream why can't I shake it.Why is it there virtually 24/7. Why does HRT provide such relief?. Why do I have a makeup kit, why do I need time out presenting as a woman? Maybe it's all just dreaming but the dream can really hurt. Taking proactive action stops the hurt.
 I think trial by exploration proves if it is real or not. Even if it is just a dream something has to be done or the consequences of not acting are REAL. Am I making a mistake? Maybe - but how does one snap out of it or bury it or ignore it ? You can't -so you make the most of it. If it was just a fantasy it would naturally run out of steam. If it's real it doesn't go away.
 Sorry if my answer is clear as mud
 Kindest regards, Kirsten

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Online Danielle Kristina

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Hi Karen,

I too have wondered the same thing.  I even asked my therapist if I were a woman born in the wrong body or if I were a man who merely wanted to be a woman.  Sometimes I catch myself still asking this question.  For me, I know that my gender dysphoria, desire to be female, or whatever term that may apply is not imaginary or part of a midlife crisis.  It has been with me for my entire life.  When I asked my therapist this, she simply said that she will refer to me as a woman - not a transgender woman or a feminine man - but a woman.  The more she and I talk, the more I am convinced that I'm really transgender and this is not a mistake.  I know and accept that I'm transgender, but sometimes that inner fear can rise up in the form of doubt or denial which leads to my questioning the reality of my transgender identity.  I will tell you what she told me: I am transgender and need to find a healthy way to deal with it.  Nothing else concerning my gender identity matters.  I do know that I feel a sense of relief when I dress as myself.  The further along I go in my journey, the more I feel as though I were living as my true self.

Hugs!!


Danielle

April 19, 2018: First post here on Susan’s Place
April 27, 2018: First session with my gender therapist
July 30, 2018: Received my HRT letter
September 3,2018: Came our for the first time

Becoming me more every day!!!

Offline warlockmaker

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I passed off my dreams, of being female, as quirky male fantasies since as far back as I can remember. Mainly because I did not know there was an option outside of gay and straight. When I found out there was TG, I questioned for many years this possibility. A very successful Alpha male living an amazing  life, with my hidden fantasy. So, I started seeing a therapist, 8 years ago, and it took 3 years before I could  accept who I am and started my wonderful journey.

Many feel diffetently on this forum and I agree to disagree with our views, but for many, we will always be Tg females. We will always have certain male behavior and thoughts and incomplete anatomy, but we have found peace and pride. My therapist and mentor said at the begining of our sessions and it resounds in my reflections of this subject, even thought it took 3 years to accept I was TG. "If you have been thinking you are TG, for a long time, then most likely you are. CIS males do not have these thoughts for long term. "
When we first start our journey the perception and moral values all dramatically change in wonderment. As we evolve further it all becomes normal again but the journey has changed us forever.

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Offline Another Nikki

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Yes.  I indentified with much of your original post.  I came out of denial about being trans 2.5 years ago.  And I ask myself all the time if I’ve lost my mind, if i’m crazy, if I really want to deal with all that transition entails, and couldn’t I just suffer through the rest of my life without dealing with it?

and then i think about how pretty much all i think about is gender, how i haven’t been able to really concentrate on anything else for 2.5 years, and i think that if i don’t, i will regret it for the rest of my life, with horrible death bed thoughts of what could have been, and how really i would like to spend time thinking of something else besides gender, or read a book and be able to concentrate on it.

so i slowly march forward, and so far have not regretted a single step.
“What you know, you can’t explain, but you feel it. You’ve felt it your entire life—that there is something wrong. You don’t know what it is, but it’s there like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me.”

Online Danielle Kristina

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I passed off my dreams, of being female, as quirky male fantasies since as far back as I can remember. Mainly because I did not know there was an option outside of gay and straight. When I found out there was TG, I questioned for many years this possibility. A very successful Alpha male living an amazing  life, with my hidden fantasy. So, I started seeing a therapist, 8 years ago, and it took 3 years before I could  accept who I am and started my wonderful journey.

Many feel diffetently on this forum and I agree to disagree with our views, but for many, we will always be Tg females. We will always have certain male behavior and thoughts and incomplete anatomy, but we have found peace and pride. My therapist and mentor said at the begining of our sessions and it resounds in my reflections of this subject, even thought it took 3 years to accept I was TG. "If you have been thinking you are TG, for a long time, then most likely you are. CIS males do not have these thoughts for long term. "

So in reality we are women that just happen to be born in the wrong bodies?  I ask because I sometimes ask the same question as Karen, wondering if I really am a woman or if I'm a man who wants to be a woman.  I know I'm transgender without any logical doubt.

Danielle
April 19, 2018: First post here on Susan’s Place
April 27, 2018: First session with my gender therapist
July 30, 2018: Received my HRT letter
September 3,2018: Came our for the first time

Becoming me more every day!!!

Online Alice V

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I asking that questions half of my life. People around me told "stress", "imagination", "find right girl" etc. Even after 10 years I have this doubts. But I also know that I can find out if it true of false only after giving it try and changing myself. I won't let my doubts and fears stop me. The only things which can stop me now are my financial unsurety and probability that docs will forbid me from hrt.
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Offline pamelatransuk

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Hi there...

"I always felt different"; "I related more to girls"; "I was always more sensitive and feminine"; "I tried on my sisters clothes"; "I grew up in a homophobic community"; "I suppressed my feminine feelings".....

Many of us have shared these experiences and feelings, and many of us have had the light bulb clicked on later on in life with the feeling of a lightning storm or dam breaking.

Even with clear gender dysphoria and acceptance of transgender...and small transition steps, still the questions come up periodically...am I really female inside"; "am I delirious and have I just created a crazy dream or wish"...

Do others have shared experience with this doubt and uncertainty?   How do you or did you make sense of it?

I always appreciate everyone's experience and perspective. 

Hugs

Karen

PS for me part of this is the contrast of desire and knowing how I feel vs fear of what it might mean and making a mistake.

Hello Karen

We have corresponded before and I confirm I have known I was transgender since age 4 (in 1959) and told my grandmother and played more with girls and hated male puberty and all my adult life dressed and bodyshaved. I buried and suppressed time after time. I thought my secret would die with me. However wef late 2016 the dam burst
and the matter became so dominant that I could literally not get the matter off my mind. Constantly thinking of gender and the longing to have a female body. Hence I sought therapy in 2017 and started HRT February 2018.

So I never doubted I am trans but yes definitely I feared the embarrassment, the non acceptance and misunderstanding by others and the potential loss of family members and friends even at the point of starting HRT in February.

However HRT confirmed it ABSOLUTELY for me as I experienced the early results physical - softer skin and mental - a sense of peace. Just to eliminate the chance of "misleading by placebo", I waited and by 3 months knew that I would be on HRT for life. Now after 6 months I know that I will be transitioning fulltime in 2019 and am doing Body Hair Removal.

So for me I certainly had the "Am I trans enough?" thoughts but had no choice but to take action and it is the HRT and BHR that have removed any small lingering fears or doubts.

I hope you find your true self in due course like I and many others have. I wish you future happiness whatever you decide.

Hugs

Pamela




Offline Kirsteneklund7

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Danielle , I believe it doesn't matter if we want to be a woman or we have a solid conviction that we have always been one. There have been successful transitions of both types. Some people are able to just jump off the cliff and go for it. Others have to test the water bit by bit. I think if you aren't meant to transition trial by exploration will make it apparent. Also trialling step by step can reveal transition is the best thing we could have ever done.
  Now I just need someone to tell me if I should go for gold or not !
 Kirsten X.

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Hi there...

"I always felt different"; "I related more to girls"; "I was always more sensitive and feminine"; "I tried on my sisters clothes"; "I grew up in a homophobic community"; "I suppressed my feminine feelings".....

Many of us have shared these experiences and feelings, and many of us have had the light bulb clicked on later on in life with the feeling of a lightning storm or dam breaking.

Even with clear gender dysphoria and acceptance of transgender...and small transition steps, still the questions come up periodically...am I really female inside"; "am I delirious and have I just created a crazy dream or wish"...

Do others have shared experience with this doubt and uncertainty?   How do you or did you make sense of it?

I always appreciate everyone's experience and perspective. 

Hugs

Karen

PS for me part of this is the contrast of desire and knowing how I feel vs fear of what it might mean and making a mistake.
Karen, I think most of us have what I call "WTF moments", when we wonder if we are on the right track or if we are making a huge mistake.  It comes from a couple of places.

One source is that transitioning is so much work and such a big social disruption.  It is easy to think that it would all be so much easier if we didn't transition.  And it would be easier.  "Easier" is what I have done all my life.  But "easier" hurt so much!

The other source is the lack of certainty.  We doubt that we really "feel like a woman", because we don't know what that means.  Here's a tip: no one else knows what it means either!  Even cis women can't tell you what "being a woman" feels like.  They can only tell you what they feel like and call it "feeling like a woman". 

There is no finish line that we have to reach, no passing grade that we have to achieve.  You can only keep going in whatever direction minimizes your pain and maximizes your happiness, while minimizing casualties along the way.

Last weekend, a friend asked me how my transition was going.  I filled her in on my progress and then summed it up with, "After 60 years, I finally get to be myself!"  It brought a tear to her eyes, and mine too.  But that, in reality is what this is about.  It is not about meeting some arbitrary standard.  Am I pretty enough?, are my boobs big enough?, do I have the right bits?, do I think the right thoughts?, all are distractions from the true goal: to be one's true self.

My WTF moments are less common now.  When they come up, I can quickly defuse them by asking myself, "Am I happier now?"
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly, beginning full-time; 2017-07-10 Legal name change

Online Alice V

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May I ask question to all of you? If it's wrong topic, please direct me.
Though I wrote I won't let my doubts stop me I just wish to know your opinion.
As far as I seen, many people here have almost unbearable urge to make transition. And in my case, I just express it to virtual worlds - games, forums, etc., so it wasn't such strong (though growing now). I just wonder about eternal question "If I'm trans enough" :)
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Offline Katie Jade

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hi Vesh

I don't think Trans works like that. Certainly not for me. You are either Trans or not. What the thing is that we will each have our points at which we will be happy, whether that is full transition or just low dose hormones for example. Its accepting that we are Trans is the difficult bit as it entails a journey into the unknow. We don't know really how long it takes us or even is we reach our journeys end in time, or if we find our happy place sooner than we think.
Well that's what I feel. Im on my journey, and have mapped a route out that hopefully will get me where I need to be. I did games, forums, role playing etc, they just showed me that there was more of me to come. I have my doubts but then I remember where and who I came from, and I start running the journey again..
Hope that sort of made sense..

Luv n Hugz

Katie

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Offline Sarah1979

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May I ask question to all of you? If it's wrong topic, please direct me.
Though I wrote I won't let my doubts stop me I just wish to know your opinion.
As far as I seen, many people here have almost unbearable urge to make transition. And in my case, I just express it to virtual worlds - games, forums, etc., so it wasn't such strong (though growing now). I just wonder about eternal question "If I'm trans enough" :)

I personally don't think there is such a thing as "trans enough".  If you are trans, then you are.  It's all what it means to you and how you feel about yourself.  How you deal with it is completely up to you, no one can tell you what it means because they're not in your head.  As soon as someone does say something of that nature, they're in many ways as bad as the bigots who tell you that you're not "real" or you're faking etc etc.  None of them have any idea what it means to be you or be trans.  Only you can do that.

Offline Joanne ONeal

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OMG!! All my life I thought I was "sick" and the only person in the world to feel this way. Then I found my therapist and this web site. I'm 66 and do not know what my destination will be. Should I start HRT? Should I continue to hide these feelings? Will the depression ever go away? Will my grand-kids accept me if they find out that I am TG?  Is there a line that I should not cross with my wife?

Offline Joanne ONeal

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hi Vesh

I don't think Trans works like that. Certainly not for me. You are either Trans or not. What the thing is that we will each have our points at which we will be happy, whether that is full transition or just low dose hormones for example. Its accepting that we are Trans is the difficult bit as it entails a journey into the unknow. We don't know really how long it takes us or even is we reach our journeys end in time, or if we find our happy place sooner than we think.
Well that's what I feel. Im on my journey, and have mapped a route out that hopefully will get me where I need to be. I did games, forums, role playing etc, they just showed me that there was more of me to come. I have my doubts but then I remember where and who I came from, and I start running the journey again..
Hope that sort of made sense..

Luv n Hugz

Katie

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What does "low dose hormones" mean?

Online Alice V

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@Katie Jade
@Sarah1979
Thanks for answers, it helps :) about "enough" - just saw that phrase somewhere here, I'm sure there is no such thing too, it just sounds a bit funny for me. I often telling stupid jokes when feel myself awkward :)
And it certanly relaxing to know that someone else used same tactics, Katie.

@Joanne ONeal
As we just found out, everyone have their own destination which can be determined only by you. Therapist will show you the way, but you will be one who walk it down. Do you want feminize your looking with HRT? Do you feel it'll make you happier than now? Some just ok to be crossdressers.
I personally think hiding will bring us to unhappy or even desperate condition. Will it end depression? I don't know that yet. Better ask therapist, they educated to deal with that stuff.
As for family... I saw different stories. Some families accept their member as transgender, some don't. You'll never know until you talk with them. How and when - it's up to you, again.
But you are definitely not alone :)
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