Author Topic: Which hurts less  (Read 2331 times)

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Offline Emma1017

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #60 on: September 16, 2018, 07:13:05 pm »
I am fearfully considering HRT.  The courage I needed has found a place in the hearts and sincere thoughts of everyone here. 

Thank you.

Online Alice V

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #61 on: September 17, 2018, 12:56:27 am »
Aww :) Emma we're with you whatever you decide ;)
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Offline Emma1017

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #62 on: September 17, 2018, 06:47:21 pm »
I am learning a new way to cry and these are good tears.  Thanks Alice

Aww :) Emma we're with you whatever you decide ;)

Offline Gabrielle66

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #63 on: September 18, 2018, 06:49:13 pm »
Emma,

I am very new to coming out. I have only just told my wife of 18 years a month ago. I am not on HRT or anything but my life is spinning. Please let me share something that I was told by a wonderful woman I met on another forum. She has been on hormones for almost 10 years and is going to get her SRS next year. This was profound and touched me deeply.

"try to imagine walking into a room that is pitch black. All you can see is a single metal table with a box and a single light above it. In the box is an item that represents every single item that you have, have had, or ever will have in your entire life and one rolled up paper that simply says life on it. You are told by a voice. you can lay every item out on the table and walk away taking nothing but the empty box with the understanding that anyone at any time can take one of those items and you will lose it forever, but you will be happy the remainder of your days, OR you can take the box with the items and walk away now but never know true happiness and go on just surviving in the world with a hole right through your center. The lights come up and its in the middle of a busy New York city street. I made the choice to leave everything on the table. I think that made the gravity of what I had to face, what all that are trans have to face hit home for him. You have to be willing to lose everything and know that happiness for you is what you want. Yeah it may hurt others may disturb others, may totally upturn your very existence, but in the end it is an attempt to feel what those who are cis feel every day.... whole...happy, normal. That is a hard realization, but once you get to the point where you understand that you've chosen this path willingly does the rest matter? you've laid the items out on that table and walked away. In that there is some comfort, the hardest part is done. Sometimes we get to keep what we set on the table for a time, sometimes forever, sometimes we lose it right away, all we can do is be happy and try to see how long we get to keep these things"

Love and faith to you Emma.

Gabrielle

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #64 on: September 19, 2018, 06:56:52 am »
Thank you Gabrielle. 

It is massively difficult to decide to risk everything and everyone.  I feel that I am becoming more comfortable with what I must do but I am still battling inside. 

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #65 on: September 22, 2018, 08:03:17 pm »
Ok I just had a very happy "male" day.  My wife and I had a great day just doing "stuff".  No dysphoria anxiety just a nice day.

I started thinking maybe there's a difference between what I want and what I need to do.

I am sitting here asking myself do I really need to transition or am I just fooling myself?  Is it just my selfish vanity or is it the air I must breath at some point of my life...did the day just sucker me into a false sense that I am ok or is it setting me up for another round of "dysphoria from hell".  Oh my god I just want some peace!

Sorry way too much wine and too much of a pity party.  Really sorry

Offline christinej78

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #66 on: September 23, 2018, 04:35:41 am »
Ok I just had a very happy "male" day.  My wife and I had a great day just doing "stuff".  No dysphoria anxiety just a nice day.

I started thinking maybe there's a difference between what I want and what I need to do.

I am sitting here asking myself do I really need to transition or am I just fooling myself?  Is it just my selfish vanity or is it the air I must breath at some point of my life...did the day just sucker me into a false sense that I am ok or is it setting me up for another round of "dysphoria from hell".  Oh my god I just want some peace!

Sorry way too much wine and too much of a pity party.  Really sorry

Hi Emma,                   23 September 2018

Have you seen a professional counselor? If not, you may be missing the answer you are seeking. If your counselor feels HRT is right for you, see an Endocrinologist. They can start you on HRT; if at some point if you feel it's not right you can stop; HRT is not permanent, you can stop it anytime. If at some point you feel transition is right for you, you can proceed to Feminization surgery.

You haven't said whether you have or have not seen a counselor, so I have to assume you haven't. If you haven't you need to see one soon. Don't waste valuable time by trying to figure it out on your own.

Best wishes to you on your journey, it can be the greatest adventure of your life.

Best Always, Love
Chris
« Last Edit: September 24, 2018, 03:32:58 am by christinej78 »
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Offline Emma1017

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #67 on: September 23, 2018, 08:11:35 am »
Hey Chris:

Yes I am seeing a great therapist and she definitely has my back!  I guess I am defending my "male" wall of denial with everything I've got.  As you and everyone on this forum knows its a constant internal battle and none of the combatants play fair.  Its a very nasty street fight with no holds barred.

I agree my next step is HRT.  I am just really fighting accepting that reality.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Offline Joanne ONeal

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #68 on: September 25, 2018, 09:10:56 am »
Emma,
I have been following this discussion from the first post, and I know your fear/frustration of making this decision. I lived with my secret for 64 years! I built a career, happily married for 45 years, raised a family, prepared for my "golden years", and enjoy spending time with my 7 grandchildren. Many times the pain of keeping this secret nearly cost me my life! I never really knew what was wrong with me. Why I wanted to live my life as a woman. But when I was diagnosed with Cancer, I had to pursue my true inner self. I sought out a therapist that understood what it is to be TG. With the therapist's help, I explained to my wife what pain this secret has brought to me my whole life. I risked everything coming out to her. But it was so worth the risk! Our decision together for me to start HRT was such a relief. We both know what the physical effect "E" may have on my body. I look forward to these changes! I have always hated my hairy body. If my breasts grow, it will be a dream come true. However, I am 66 and already have enlarged breast from low T and being overweight. I will remain "in the closet" from all my family and friends. The decision to live your life as your true self can only be made by you. At this point, I'm going to try to maintain my role as a grandpa, and also spend time out as Joanne. It feels so natural or me when I'm out! This is my small reward from a lifetime of painful secrets. Who knows what my future may bring, but I don't have to feel the pain anymore!  Good luck with your personal decision whatever it is. We all understand!

Hugs, Joanne

BTW, I am now cancer free!     

Online Moonflower

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #69 on: September 25, 2018, 07:00:05 pm »
Hooray, Emma, for being smart enough to turn to therapy when you felt crushed! And hooray for all that you learned during the past month! I love your considering, "maybe it really is me trying to communicate and I am a fool for fighting it."

I noticed that you also wrote, "if I transition I will hurt everyone in my life ... and destroy everything I have created in my life." As Tatiana reminded you, being trans is not your fault. I want to reassure you that even though it's not your fault, you have choices about the way that you transition, and when. If now isn't a good time for transitioning, then put it on the back burner. Wait until you feel stronger. Talk with your wife and therapist more about pros and cons and timing. In the meantime, do good things for yourself, and make sure that you * * * surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you. * * * Look for the support that you need so you can enjoy transitioning. Build the social structure that you need so you can stop feeling alone. As far as I can see, these forums are a great place to find that support, and you're doing great connecting with it. I'm glad that you're here.

I wonder if you would find it possible some time to sit down in a very safe, comfortable place, and imagine how wonderful transitioning could be. Write down all of the wonderful results that you can imagine. Look back at LizK's and others' tremendous responses. Reach for the best-case scenarios, like when you wrote, "I believe I am married to a "warrior" but I need to do a better job enlisting her help." How could your transition help everyone who is important in your life? How could it strengthen everything that you have created in your life? Think about how you would like the most important people in your life to respond. Make it the best story ever. When you are exhausted, then start to think about the one little tiny baby step that you could take toward this wonderful goal, just like KatieP wrote. The teeniest, safest, easiest baby step. Then, give yourself plenty of time to complete it. I hope that this helps. I want you to move forward in peace, not at a frantic pace.

I feel your pain as you struggle with your trans-ness, especially as you wrote, "I still can't wrap my head around it. If I can't how can I expect others in my life to?" Unfortunately, that's part of your transition. It looks like your transition is happening, whether you like it or not, your drive is so strong. I cherish this. I think that who you were born to be is more sacred than who you might ever pretend to be. As Mari wrote, "If you are not yourself, then your wife either has lost you already or never really had you." I believe that who you were born to be is the one person whom you will be the most successful being.

I hope that you can find a way to shine brightly today as you! Best wishes...

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #70 on: September 27, 2018, 08:07:28 am »
Thank you Joanne and Moonflower.  The support I have received from you both and from everyone else has been overwhelming.

It has helped me to begin to accept that I am trans and the fact that I am clearly not alone.

I am still processing and hope to find my “solution”.

Thank you again.

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #71 on: October 08, 2018, 10:17:41 am »
Just a quick update.  I set up an appointment with an endocrinologist today. 

I am really scared but thank you all for the tremendous support you have given me to help me make this first step.


Online Alice V

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #72 on: October 08, 2018, 10:22:59 am »
Wow, Emma, such a great update! That's cool :)
You'll be fine, and if you won't, you still have this nice place where you'll find support ;)
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Offline Emma1017

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #73 on: October 09, 2018, 06:58:26 am »
Thanks Alice. 

Its taking a lot to not cancel the appointment.  Lots of second thoughts. I am afraid of the slippery slope. 

I also must bring my wife into this decision before the appointment.

I am so tired of hiding, to protect her and to protect me.

Online Moonflower

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #74 on: October 14, 2018, 06:30:36 pm »
When is your appointment? I'm sure I'm not the only one here who wants to cheer you on. Remember, the first meeting doesn't have to result in immediate HRT, unless you're sure that you're ready for it.

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #75 on: October 15, 2018, 07:46:47 am »
Hi Moonflower: 

My "a duh" moment.   I thought I was going to the endocrinologist next next week but I just got a confirming email and I have to meet with a counselor first.  One step at a time I guess.

Online Alice V

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #76 on: October 15, 2018, 12:07:16 pm »
Don't worry, you'll get what you want, just have some patience (well since you waited so long already guess it wouldn't be a problem ;) )
Name: Alice
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Offline Emma1017

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #77 on: October 15, 2018, 06:52:09 pm »
Its funny Alice. 

There is a raging internal battle over "hurry up, its about time" versus "Stop, don't destroy what you have.  Cancel the appointment".

If you have a sense of humor, there's a sitcom in here somewhere.

I know I am drink a lot more red wine....:)

Online Alice V

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #78 on: October 15, 2018, 07:34:43 pm »
Quote
Its funny Alice. 

There is a raging internal battle over "hurry up, its about time" versus "Stop, don't destroy what you have.  Cancel the appointment".

If you have a sense of humor, there's a sitcom in here somewhere.
Guess sense of humor is quite subjective stuff :) I'm just trying to cheer you up :)

Quote
I know I am drink a lot more red wine...
I bet less than I drunk last week :) Now I'm aiming my anger at alcohol otherwise I might get addiction >_<
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Offline Emma1017

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #79 on: October 16, 2018, 07:50:53 am »
Hi Alice:

You are totally cheering me up and I thank you for it.  Given the extreme intensity of what we are going through I have to find a way to laugh to survive.  It keeps my head from exploding.

Although I am using humor to keep my sanity, I agree with you that alcohol (wine) is absolutely not the solution!

Best wishes,

Emma 

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