Author Topic: Which hurts less  (Read 23426 times)

0 Members and 2 Guests are viewing this topic.

Offline RandyL

  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 552
  • Reputation: +8/-0
  • Gender: Questioning
  • CD
Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #560 on: March 14, 2019, 10:29:38 pm »
Emma,

My wife and I are navigating similar terrain. We actually separated for 3 months this past summer, and that helped us both appreciate the value of our relationship and be willing to put in the work to make it last.

I learned to be more empathetic to her needs, and she became more understanding and tolerant of my needs. I guess the takeaway might be that we can all change and there's always hope.

Many members on this site talk about how much nicer people they became once they started into transition. Might that be true for yourself, and would your wife appreciate that?

Good luck and always hope for the best.
Hugs, Randy

Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

If so, then why not?

Offline Emma1017

  • *
  • Posts: 546
  • Reputation: +11/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #561 on: March 15, 2019, 07:36:31 am »
Dear Kim, Moni, Liz and Randy (and everyone else):

Thank you for your incredibly warm, sensitive and intelligent thoughts.  They always mean a lot.

I am clearly going to transition.  I am now working on the "how"?

The most important "how", which will not be a surprise to anyone here, is finding a way to continue my loving, happy relationship with my wife.  I know that we will always love each other but what I want is for us to be happy together the rest of our lives.

Really asking a lot huh?

In this first major "how" my goal is to give us every opportunity to navigate through this massively complex thing called transgender.  Our generation has no history of acceptance or understanding so we have to work harder.  Its like teaching a ninety five year old how to use an Iphone.

The rest of the "how to's" I can rely on all of you, my favorite analyst and local professionals to work out.

I want you all to know that ultimately I am absolutely not afraid to transition.  As you all have read as I have been processing and documenting on my thread, you can't stop the train by standing in front of it.  That is just silly.  It took me a while to figure that out.  It also took me a long while to understand just how really big the "train" was.

For me, my transitioning is a train without brakes.  I can't and truthfully don't want to stop it.  I cannot hold back that smile the you see on my face in the photos.  They are real and deep.  They repeat themselves when I touch the softness of my skin or or the growing weight of my breasts. 

Unquestionably, it is the manifestation of a joy I have suppressed an entire lifetime.  Stop it? No way!

Kim I have the courage and resolve.  I have been called a "moral pit bull" many times in my life.  I have no problem with who I am, I just needed to understand this deeply hidden "who" that I am. 

This has truly been a thread that has weaved in all of my fears, confusion, discovery, sadness and joy.   

Thank you for being a part of it.

Warm hugs,

Emma





« Last Edit: March 15, 2019, 12:57:26 pm by Emma1017 »

Offline Emma1017

  • *
  • Posts: 546
  • Reputation: +11/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #562 on: March 15, 2019, 11:03:54 am »
Just a quick reminder GIRL is now available on Netflix.

Offline GinaG

  • Neighbor
  • ***
  • Posts: 56
  • Reputation: +2/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #563 on: March 15, 2019, 04:37:15 pm »
Dear Kim, Moni, Liz and Randy (and everyone else):

Thank you for your incredibly warm, sensitive and intelligent thoughts.  They always mean a lot.

I am clearly going to transition.  I am now working on the "how"?

The most important "how", which will not be a surprise to anyone here, is finding a way to continue my loving, happy relationship with my wife.  I know that we will always love each other but what I want is for us to be happy together the rest of our lives.

Really asking a lot huh?

In this first major "how" my goal is to give us every opportunity to navigate through this massively complex thing called transgender.  Our generation has no history of acceptance or understanding so we have to work harder.  Its like teaching a ninety five year old how to use an Iphone.

The rest of the "how to's" I can rely on all of you, my favorite analyst and local professionals to work out.

I want you all to know that ultimately I am absolutely not afraid to transition.  As you all have read as I have been processing and documenting on my thread, you can't stop the train by standing in front of it.  That is just silly.  It took me a while to figure that out.  It also took me a long while to understand just how really big the "train" was.

For me, my transitioning is a train without brakes.  I can't and truthfully don't want to stop it.  I cannot hold back that smile the you see on my face in the photos.  They are real and deep.  They repeat themselves when I touch the softness of my skin or or the growing weight of my breasts. 

Unquestionably, it is the manifestation of a joy I have suppressed an entire lifetime.  Stop it? No way!

Kim I have the courage and resolve.  I have been called a "moral pit bull" many times in my life.  I have no problem with who I am, I just needed to understand this deeply hidden "who" that I am. 

This has truly been a thread that has weaved in all of my fears, confusion, discovery, sadness and joy.   

Thank you for being a part of it.

Warm hugs,

Emma



Dear Emma,

I too struggle with navigating with my wife We have no map covering this.

The transition is inevitable.  Each step I take increases my hunger.  Patience is so hard.

I did get good medical news, and have appointments set. In a few few weeks.  I want it yesterday!   

My Fears are not about about the transition.  They are about the effects on my dearest love, my children.  I think it may be like that for all of us who come to this later in life.

I do think we need to use the same strength, courage and patience we used to maintain our lives, however repressed,  deluded, afraid...we may have been. Your courage shines in every post.
Thank you for that.  And all you others. You ease my fears. Give such hope.

Hugs

Gina

Offline HappyMoni

  • *
  • Posts: 3,484
  • Reputation: +63/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • Smiles for the house, it's on me!
Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #564 on: March 15, 2019, 06:18:09 pm »
 "I cannot hold back that smile the you see on my face in the photos.  They are real and deep. "

Did I miss something?
If I ever offend you, let me know. It's not what I am about.
"Never let the dark kill your light!"  (SailorMars)

HRT June 11, 2015. (new birthday) - FFS in late June 2016. (Dr. _____=Ugh!) - Full time June 18, 2016 (Yeah! finally) - GCS June 27, 2017. (McGinn=Yeah!) - Under Eye repair from FFS 8/17/17 - Nose surgery-November 20, 2017 (Dr. Papel=Yeah) - Hair Transplant on June 21, 2018 (Dr. Cooley-yeah) - Breast Augmentation on July 10, 2018 (Dr. Basner in Baltimore) - Removed bad scarring from FFS surgery near ears and hairline in August, 2018 (Dr. Papel) -Sept. 2018, starting a skin regiment on face with Retin A  April 2019 -repairing neck scar from FFS

]

Offline KimOct

  • *****
  • *
  • Posts: 642
  • Reputation: +17/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #565 on: March 15, 2019, 07:57:09 pm »

Kim I have the courage and resolve.  I have been called a "moral pit bull" many times in my life.  I have no problem with who I am, I just needed to understand this deeply hidden "who" that I am. 

Emma

Emma I have no doubt that you have the courage and intestinal fortitude to do this.  When I mention the fear I am referring to being out in public at first, how friends will react when you tell them etc etc.  If you don't experience those things you are a far better woman than me.  You probably are anyway.   :D

M O M !!!  Moni started it !!!   ;D :D 
The first transphobe you have to conquer is yourself

Offline HappyMoni

  • *
  • Posts: 3,484
  • Reputation: +63/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • Smiles for the house, it's on me!
Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #566 on: March 15, 2019, 08:47:43 pm »
Emma I have no doubt that you have the courage and intestinal fortitude to do this.  When I mention the fear I am referring to being out in public at first, how friends will react when you tell them etc etc.  If you don't experience those things you are a far better woman than me.  You probably are anyway.   :D

M O M !!!  Moni started it !!!   ;D :D

Kim's breathing my air! Are we there yet?
If I ever offend you, let me know. It's not what I am about.
"Never let the dark kill your light!"  (SailorMars)

HRT June 11, 2015. (new birthday) - FFS in late June 2016. (Dr. _____=Ugh!) - Full time June 18, 2016 (Yeah! finally) - GCS June 27, 2017. (McGinn=Yeah!) - Under Eye repair from FFS 8/17/17 - Nose surgery-November 20, 2017 (Dr. Papel=Yeah) - Hair Transplant on June 21, 2018 (Dr. Cooley-yeah) - Breast Augmentation on July 10, 2018 (Dr. Basner in Baltimore) - Removed bad scarring from FFS surgery near ears and hairline in August, 2018 (Dr. Papel) -Sept. 2018, starting a skin regiment on face with Retin A  April 2019 -repairing neck scar from FFS

]

Offline KimOct

  • *****
  • *
  • Posts: 642
  • Reputation: +17/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #567 on: March 15, 2019, 10:04:15 pm »
So who is going to be the first to start 'why are you hitting yourself?"  I am 2 /1/2 years older than my brother.

'Why are you hitting yourself?"  was always my favorite game.   :D

The first transphobe you have to conquer is yourself

Offline Emma1017

  • *
  • Posts: 546
  • Reputation: +11/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #568 on: March 16, 2019, 01:28:40 am »
Gina:  I hope your path becomes easier to walk as time goes on.

Moni:  The photos I am talking about are on Page 17 of this thread.

Kim:  Its one thing to talk about future courageous actions and its another thing entirely to have been courageous.  You and Moni have shown courage to get to where you both are.  I still have a long way to get there.  Let's see how tough I was when I catch up with you both.  You both have set a wonderful example!

"Now Moni and Kim, the two of you just sit down and play nice with each other otherwise your Dad and I are not going take you to anymore nice places..." ;D
« Last Edit: March 16, 2019, 01:59:03 pm by Emma1017 »

Offline HappyMoni

  • *
  • Posts: 3,484
  • Reputation: +63/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • Smiles for the house, it's on me!
Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #569 on: March 16, 2019, 06:07:30 am »
Hey I saw the pictures, we got a hot Mama! Woohoo!

I'll behave (not likely), if she does.

Hey Kim, I was the youngest of five. 'Why are you hitting yourself' was not so fun for me. I did  learn to defend myself though. Ugh... from myself, yeah! (Scratching head)
If I ever offend you, let me know. It's not what I am about.
"Never let the dark kill your light!"  (SailorMars)

HRT June 11, 2015. (new birthday) - FFS in late June 2016. (Dr. _____=Ugh!) - Full time June 18, 2016 (Yeah! finally) - GCS June 27, 2017. (McGinn=Yeah!) - Under Eye repair from FFS 8/17/17 - Nose surgery-November 20, 2017 (Dr. Papel=Yeah) - Hair Transplant on June 21, 2018 (Dr. Cooley-yeah) - Breast Augmentation on July 10, 2018 (Dr. Basner in Baltimore) - Removed bad scarring from FFS surgery near ears and hairline in August, 2018 (Dr. Papel) -Sept. 2018, starting a skin regiment on face with Retin A  April 2019 -repairing neck scar from FFS

]

Offline KimOct

  • *****
  • *
  • Posts: 642
  • Reputation: +17/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #570 on: March 16, 2019, 01:49:18 pm »
I got my pay back from my brother.  If I pushed too far he would get this crazed look on his face and I knew I had to either run or knock him out.  I chose to run.  :D 

Oh yeah this thread is about Emma's journey to live her life.  I will go look somewhere else for the sibling rivalry thread.

Moni - It would have been a blast being sisters.  :)
The first transphobe you have to conquer is yourself

Offline Emma1017

  • *
  • Posts: 546
  • Reputation: +11/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #571 on: March 16, 2019, 01:58:02 pm »
I just wish you two would play nice. >:-)


Don't worry Kim I'll come up with a new crisis tomorrow as I walk in the transgender mine field.

I am taking a mental day off ;D  I am letting nature take its course and not creating any stress for us today.

Let's all of us just breath in and breath out for a while.

Offline KimOct

  • *****
  • *
  • Posts: 642
  • Reputation: +17/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #572 on: March 16, 2019, 10:56:58 pm »
Emma Every day doesn't need to be an emotional minefield nor should it be.  For your story here to continue there are going to be some breathers.  I hope you do keep it going both for yourself and others. 

But constantly dealing with emotional upheaval is exhausting plus there is the rest of life to deal with.  Being trans is not the totality of who we are.

That's why going off topic is good, such as Moni and I playing around.  It keeps the conversation going and btw it's fun, that's something we can all use.

There will be time for all of the big 'questions' sometimes it's just good to take a chill.  ( take a chill - I'm so hip LOL )

Moni and I will play nice.... for now  :D
The first transphobe you have to conquer is yourself

Offline Emma1017

  • *
  • Posts: 546
  • Reputation: +11/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #573 on: March 17, 2019, 09:53:38 am »
I wrote this this morning for myself and realized that I wanted to share in case this was useful for anyone else.

I sometimes conceptualize by mentally connecting the "dots" or disparate elements of thought.  So these are my transgender "dots" as a time line:

4-5 years old:  I traded with my girl play friend, my truck for a pair of her tights.  I have always wanted to be a ballerina.  I have been fantasizing that I would magically transform into a girl since then.

8 years old:  Saw a Twilight Zone episode where a plain teenage girl gets transformed into a beautiful girl.  I used to dream that was me.  I always searched for anything that had a boy to girl/man to woman theme the rest of my life.

10 years old:  I bought my first stockings.  For the rest of my life I always had a secret stash of stockings, pantyhose and tights.  I always thought I had a fetish but it was the only female garment that was easy to hide and gave me the female intimacy that I needed.

17 years old:   I really tried to convince myself that I would grow out of my “fetish” when I went away to college…wrong.  I finally realized that it was something that was never going away.  I felt shame, embarrassment and fear of discovery.  I walled it up so successfully that it wasn’t until I was 62 years old that the wall collapsed.

62 years old: I was standing on a subway platform having a full-blown panic attack, my third in a week and I started looking at the train tracks as the train came in.  I held on, not for me but for the incredible pain I would cause my wife and son.

I finally decided to get help.

63 years old: With the help of my analyst I finally truly understood that I was transgender.  I joined an online transgender support group.  I learned that I was not alone and that I was part of an incredible global community of millions of people experiencing the same pain.  That shared pain allowed us to support each other to help climb our individual and shared “wall”.  With everyone’s help, support and understanding I discovered:

I am transgender and I am ok.

Offline HappyMoni

  • *
  • Posts: 3,484
  • Reputation: +63/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • Smiles for the house, it's on me!
Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #574 on: March 17, 2019, 10:26:09 am »
I got my pay back from my brother.  If I pushed too far he would get this crazed look on his face and I knew I had to either run or knock him out.  I chose to run.  :D 

Oh yeah this thread is about Emma's journey to live her life.  I will go look somewhere else for the sibling rivalry thread.

Moni - It would have been a blast being sisters.  :)

Yes, Kim I get what you mean about Emma interrupting our back and  forth with all her serious stuff. You would think it's her thread or something. Wait... did I read that wrong? Oh, yes, of course, she is gorgeous and quite intelligent! And, did you hear? I heard she's trans. Who knew? Well, we know about those trans girls, don't we? Hubba hubba!

Dear Emma, I missed out on yesterday's stress free day, so hence, the above. I am now ready for the mine field. Bring it on.
Moni ;D
If I ever offend you, let me know. It's not what I am about.
"Never let the dark kill your light!"  (SailorMars)

HRT June 11, 2015. (new birthday) - FFS in late June 2016. (Dr. _____=Ugh!) - Full time June 18, 2016 (Yeah! finally) - GCS June 27, 2017. (McGinn=Yeah!) - Under Eye repair from FFS 8/17/17 - Nose surgery-November 20, 2017 (Dr. Papel=Yeah) - Hair Transplant on June 21, 2018 (Dr. Cooley-yeah) - Breast Augmentation on July 10, 2018 (Dr. Basner in Baltimore) - Removed bad scarring from FFS surgery near ears and hairline in August, 2018 (Dr. Papel) -Sept. 2018, starting a skin regiment on face with Retin A  April 2019 -repairing neck scar from FFS

]

Offline Emma1017

  • *
  • Posts: 546
  • Reputation: +11/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #575 on: March 17, 2019, 10:56:44 am »
Moni you really make me feel like the little sister that can't play with the big girls....I'm telling Mom ;D

I enjoyed my stress free day yesterday.  It was also St. Patty's Day here in NY so there was no chance of being serious.  In good Irish Catholic style we went out for Spanish tapas and red wine for dinner.

Thanks for making the minefield survivable.

Offline GinaG

  • Neighbor
  • ***
  • Posts: 56
  • Reputation: +2/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #576 on: March 17, 2019, 11:20:36 am »
Emma.

I'm glad you had a good day!   I spent many years in Queens. Teaching in a Catholic High School.
All my friends there are Irish Catholics. I miss the the celelbration.  Soda bread.. 

Happy St. Patty's day!

Gina

Offline HappyMoni

  • *
  • Posts: 3,484
  • Reputation: +63/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • Smiles for the house, it's on me!
Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #577 on: March 17, 2019, 11:34:29 am »
Haha, three years of Catholic school, ex Catholic here! From Long Island too!

Emma, you are growing up just fine, young lady!
If I ever offend you, let me know. It's not what I am about.
"Never let the dark kill your light!"  (SailorMars)

HRT June 11, 2015. (new birthday) - FFS in late June 2016. (Dr. _____=Ugh!) - Full time June 18, 2016 (Yeah! finally) - GCS June 27, 2017. (McGinn=Yeah!) - Under Eye repair from FFS 8/17/17 - Nose surgery-November 20, 2017 (Dr. Papel=Yeah) - Hair Transplant on June 21, 2018 (Dr. Cooley-yeah) - Breast Augmentation on July 10, 2018 (Dr. Basner in Baltimore) - Removed bad scarring from FFS surgery near ears and hairline in August, 2018 (Dr. Papel) -Sept. 2018, starting a skin regiment on face with Retin A  April 2019 -repairing neck scar from FFS

]

Offline GinaG

  • Neighbor
  • ***
  • Posts: 56
  • Reputation: +2/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #578 on: March 17, 2019, 12:25:24 pm »
Only lasted three years?   I taught 14 there.   Then escaped to Outside Cleveland.

Always wanted a cute school outfit.......

Offline Emma1017

  • *
  • Posts: 546
  • Reputation: +11/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #579 on: March 17, 2019, 01:11:23 pm »
Eight years of the Sisters of Mercy (they showed none) and four years with the Christian Brothers (all black belt). 

And I wonder where I learned emotional repression...