Author Topic: Which hurts less  (Read 36009 times)

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Offline KimOct

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #600 on: March 19, 2019, 08:19:31 pm »
Emma I am so proud of you and happy that you have got to this place.  Now for the rain on your parade.  :'(

The shame subsidies over time.  I am convinced that you are no longer beating yourself up and are beginning to like yourself.  But the shame rears its ugly head in many ways.  The embarrassment that you may feel at times in new situations is one of the main ones.  That fear and embarrassment is rooted in the shame that you have been taught in our society your entire life.

If you don't feel it when first going out publicly or waiting at an appointment and giving your name before it is legally changed and on and on I will be very surprised. Transitioning is tough stuff.  I think you have prepared yourself to take it on.  And THAT is an accomplishment in and of itself.

Does my previous paragraph hold true for everyone last one of us?  Of course not.  We are individuals with different experiences but I believe it is pretty spot on for most.

I don't like bringing you down - I like encouraging you but I also want to have credibility through honesty.

The shame monster is probably not dead but you are kicking its butt.   :)
The first transphobe you have to conquer is yourself

Offline HappyMoni

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #601 on: March 19, 2019, 08:24:50 pm »
I was thinking this morning about how powerful the drive to present female and to pass is in all of us. 

TRigger warning possible






Emma and Gina,

   To some extent my perspective has moved on from where you find yourself now. That certainly is a good thing. Healing from this dysphoria is possible taking the steps we need to take. Last night, I watched the movie, Girl. At the end of that movie, there is a very disturbing example of the desperation that being trans can induce. I won't spoil it by saying the ending. Suddenly, I found many old emotions bubbling up that had gone dormant. My partner and I both were a mess. She has been through this as much as I have. I will just say that that reminder brought home for me what you two are dealing with now. My heart goes out to you. I wish you both the strength and patience that you will need. Hugs!
Moni
Can't get that out of my head all day.
If I ever offend you, let me know. It's not what I am about.
"Never let the dark kill your light!"  (SailorMars)
"Moni" is pronounced like "Bonnie"

HRT June 11, 2015. (new birthday) - FFS in late June 2016. (Dr. _____=Ugh!) - Full time June 18, 2016 (Yeah! finally) - GCS June 27, 2017. (McGinn=Yeah!) - Under Eye repair from FFS 8/17/17 - Nose surgery-November 20, 2017 (Dr. Papel=Yeah) - Hair Transplant on June 21, 2018 (Dr. Cooley-yeah) - Breast Augmentation on July 10, 2018 (Dr. Basner in Baltimore) - Removed bad scarring from FFS surgery near ears and hairline in August, 2018 (Dr. Papel) -Sept. 2018, starting a skin regiment on face with Retin A  April 2019 -repairing neck scar from FFS

]

Offline KimOct

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #602 on: March 19, 2019, 09:35:10 pm »
That Moni is pretty smart when she is not being goofy.  :)   ( There should be a heart emoji )

Both of us have mentioned the tough stuff but this journey is also joyful.  It truly is a roller-coaster ride. Finding your new life is not a linear progression.  Enjoy the highs and tough out the lows.  We are here for each other and everyone when they need it.  And I still need it from time to time myself.

I play guitar ( poorly, same skill level for 40 yrs)  one of my favorite songs to play because it's easy.....

As Bill Withers once said......

Lean on me when you're not strong.
And I'll be your friend.
I'll help you carry on.
For it won't be long till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on.

The first transphobe you have to conquer is yourself

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #603 on: March 20, 2019, 07:22:41 am »
Kim are you trying to talk me into golf?  I'd still rather transition... ;)

Moni and Kim: 

I know this is not linear.  Transitioning is sloppy and emotional and totally logically illogical.  I am so slapped around 24/7 by feelings that include anger, sadness, loneliness, joy, humor, fear and doubt.

I don't feel shame (definition: a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.) anymore because I absolutely know it's not my fault.  I won't pass right away or maybe never will but my attempts are never foolish, they are my learning exercises.

Whether I transition or not, I will always be surrounded by people judging me.  I never let someone else judge me that I don't respect.  The key is to have respect for yourself.  From that comes the confidence to be yourself!

Moni I have watched GIRL a couple of times now.  It demonstrates that immense power driving many of us that gives us the will to overcome all odds to be who we must be.  Her solution just shows how desperate the solution can become when none are offered.  Notice in the last shot of the film the firm confidence on her face as went on with the rest of her life. 

Fortunately the real girl never had to use that solution.

I do know that the drive to transition for me is extremely power, so powerful that I accept I am transitioning and hoping that my wife can accept that and that we stay together.

Offline GinaG

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #604 on: March 20, 2019, 07:39:45 am »
❤️❤️❤️

Hearts fir everytone.

I told my therapist yesterday it was a roller coaster.     Doubt, confidence,  fear, hope. Joy.....kinda like life. 

The posts here are so. Good.  Honest and loving.  I am collecting people to lean on.  It eases the sense of lonely struggle.    I admit in my moments of clarity that I am really just starting puberty in a few weeks.  Inside I am just a girl.  This little girl needs help in that.  Big sisters. I grew up with one.

Kim,  I play guitar too.  Over 40 years.  I lean on my guitars a lot.

Thanks so much.  Hugs

Gina

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #605 on: March 21, 2019, 06:21:00 am »
Ok I have my first electrolysis session today.  This is going to be a long year.

Maybe I should have taken up golf instead.

Offline TonyaW

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #606 on: March 21, 2019, 06:50:45 am »


Kim are you trying to talk me into golf?  I'd still rather transition... ;)


Why not both?

I still play golf and no I don't hit from the red tees now.

Ok I have my first electrolysis session today.  This is going to be a long year.

Maybe I should have taken up golf instead.

Quite possibly have played golf after an electrolysis session.  Worst part of electrolysis for me is the not shaving so I do those early as possible in the day so I can go home and shave right away. I know the advice is no make up after, but I've had no problems using BB cream to cover the red.

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Offline Emma1017

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #607 on: March 21, 2019, 07:00:11 am »
I can't play golf, Tonya and if I do I have to file for a permit with the EPA because I am a danger to animal and trees (not to mention the odd windows).

I'll stick to Pirate Cove Mini Golf in Orlando Florida.  If I sink the last hole a volcano erupts.

I didn't know about shaving.  I shaved this morning and my appointment is at 4 pm so this may be a consultation.

Offline TonyaW

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #608 on: March 21, 2019, 07:09:30 am »
Might be able to fo a few plucks on you today depending how fast your hair grows.
I did the same for my first appointment. I didn't know about the not shaving either but it was only a 15 minute free consult. She still was able to give it a few hits to test me out.

In the beginning it was two days growth, now she wants 4. I only have to leave a small area for her to work and I lasered away the few dark hairs I had so it's not too noticeable.

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Offline Emma1017

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #609 on: March 21, 2019, 08:07:34 am »
Thankfully Tonya most of my beard is grey.  I hope that helps but ouch I am expecting a long road on this one.

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #610 on: March 21, 2019, 09:35:00 am »
Ok now I have a technical question: 

Do breast buds periodically change sizes?  I have noticed that they have gotten bigger and smaller then bigger again.  I don't have a clue if that's normal.

Thanks.  It great to have big sisters to ask these questions.

Offline KatieP

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #611 on: March 21, 2019, 09:36:19 am »
Since you have some time, Emma, before you expect to be "full time" this could work well. Going a day or two or more is VERY difficult if you don't have "male mode" as an option.

While not full time, I had literally never left the house without shaving, and going two days was hugely limiting. It took a lot of planning to schedule appointments based on when I could hide for two days before hand. No fun at all.

The moral of that story: Get all the electrolysis done before you expect to go full time...

 ;D

Kate

Offline randim

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #612 on: March 21, 2019, 10:46:15 am »
Since you have some time, Emma, before you expect to be "full time" this could work well. Going a day or two or more is VERY difficult if you don't have "male mode" as an option.

While not full time, I had literally never left the house without shaving, and going two days was hugely limiting. It took a lot of planning to schedule appointments based on when I could hide for two days before hand. No fun at all.

The moral of that story: Get all the electrolysis done before you expect to go full time...

 ;D

Kate

Would you think there is any reason to be on hormones prior to starting electrolysis?  I had a consultation with a laser/electrolysis place a while back and it was strongly recommended that I be on HRT for several months before starting electrolysis.  I have not made the decision to start HRT or transition, but am pretty sure I want to get rid of the beard. Given that hormones don't impact facial hair much, that recommendation seemed strange to me.

Offline Colleen_definitely

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #613 on: March 21, 2019, 10:49:07 am »
Other than slowing growth a little bit for some people I can't think of any good reason to wait.  Facial hair doesn't recede like body hair does.
As our ashes turn to dust, we shine like stars...

Offline Andie1963

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #614 on: March 21, 2019, 11:32:43 am »
Ok I have my first electrolysis session today.  This is going to be a long year.

Maybe I should have taken up golf instead.


Golf will always be here, just enjoy your journey and your beautiful self.


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Offline Emma1017

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #615 on: March 21, 2019, 11:41:26 am »
Thanks Katie, Randi, Colleen and Andie for your responses.

I am going to pull forward my newest technical question that may have gotten lost in these responses:

Do breast buds periodically change sizes?  I have noticed that they have gotten bigger and smaller then bigger again.  I don't have a clue if that's normal.


Offline Andie1963

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #616 on: March 21, 2019, 11:48:38 am »
Thanks Katie, Randi, Colleen and Andie for your responses.

I am going to pull forward my newest technical question that may have gotten lost in these responses:

Do breast buds periodically change sizes?  I have noticed that they have gotten bigger and smaller then bigger again.  I don't have a clue if that's normal.


Mine really have not changed yet but I am expecting the same thing to happen with me. You honestly should be so proud and excited for you growth as the woman inside of you.


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Offline KatieP

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #617 on: March 21, 2019, 12:55:12 pm »
Thanks Katie, Randi, Colleen and Andie for your responses.

I am going to pull forward my newest technical question that may have gotten lost in these responses:

Do breast buds periodically change sizes?  I have noticed that they have gotten bigger and smaller then bigger again.  I don't have a clue if that's normal.

That wasn't my experience. But I am pretty sure that every possible strange thing is completely normal in these sorts of circumstances...

 ;D

Kate

Offline KatieP

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #618 on: March 21, 2019, 12:58:02 pm »
Other than slowing growth a little bit for some people I can't think of any good reason to wait.  Facial hair doesn't recede like body hair does.

I totally concur. In my opinion, removing facial hair and HRT are completely orthogonal decisions.

For me, hormones affected leg and chest hair, and had no discernable effect on arms and face.

Kate

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Which hurts less
« Reply #619 on: March 21, 2019, 03:40:14 pm »
I just had my consultation and I must not shave for the next appointment.  :)