Author Topic: How I developed a male personality  (Read 403 times)

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Offline GingerVicki

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How I developed a male personality
« on: August 28, 2018, 01:07:49 pm »
I was reading a post today about if it were possible that my life would have turned out differently if I have "better" parents. While I was responding I noticed that I needed my own thread, because so much flowed out of me. My small response turned out to be part of my life story. I guess when responding some old wounds reopened.

The normal discriminatory start.
My sister is one year older than me and is the only daughter of my parents. My mother often pushed me away and did not show me much affection. My father was around, but he spent time with my two older brother who are 10 and 11 years older then me. I just happened to be the younger girly boy. When I look back I realize that I did not do anything wrong. I just was me and that happened to be something they did not like.

I remember being spanked multiple times for wearing my sister's clothes. I was stubborn then and still am now. I wore my sister's clothes again and again and then one day the spanking was so bad I stopped dressing. When I look back this is when the bond was broken with my mother. What little positive attention I got was replaced with negative. She blocked me out.

I was in kindergarten in 1984 and the school and teacher were not ready for someone like me. The teacher did not know what to do and I remember her as an old lady with gray hair. When breaks came I played with the girls. I used the girls bathroom. A few times I actually convinced one of the girls to trade outfits. I wanted to wear her clothes. Obviously in kindergarten it was not anything sexual. Instead of teaching me with the other kids I played with playdoh.

I know the attitude towards me caused trauma because I failed kindergarten. I was not supported at home or school. I was obviously not off to a good start. I was so occupied with trying to get the attention and love of my mother and social acceptance that it stunted my growth.

This was just a preview of the problems I was going to face in later years. During the first seven years of my life I learned that I could not express myself at home or school. I had to be someone else. I was still able to play with the girls for a few years until all boys magically had coodies. As a result I was angry with them and chased the girls with snakes with some of the other boys.

It wasn't until the 6th grade that I was cruelly rejected by one girl in particular. She pointed out that I was smaller than the rest of the boys and that I wasn't as good. I did not know what I was and certainly did not know how to respond. It was the end of the school years and I just moved on.

Learning my family was radical.
Middle school came and was horrifying at home and school. Personally I was seeing the girls develop while I stayed the same and at home I was learning that my family was radical. By today's standard it would be said that I was raised by terrorists. I remember being told that I needed to put guns and bullets in my backpack. I spent ½ the school year in in-house suspension. I was in and out so often that at times my name tag would still be on the cubical. I will not go into too much more detail about middle school other than the fact that I went from an A student to a C student. I did only what was needed. I was scared and my soul was bleeding.

I knew I was different and when my brother's friends were neo-nazis. Walking on egg shells was an understatement. One particularly stood out and still does. He was a huge man. He could have been a football player. His head was shaved and he had a large tattoo of a swastika and he was their leader. I remember seeing him get into an argument with someone and picking up the man with one arm choking him against a wall.

I was absolutely horrified. I knew how they felt about gay people and how they should not be alive. I was helpless and I had nowhere to go. My family went deep into this lifestyle. My father, who has passed on, decided to poach deer to teach my older brothers how to hunt. To make things worse he obtained a federal firearms license (FFL) and operated a marijuana grow room. There were multiple shootouts and as with everything regarding my family it got worse.

Of course with drugs and gun things could only go down hill. One Summer day when everyone was gone at work my mother and I were the only ones home someone broke into the house. I heard my mother yell don't move and when I went downstairs. I saw her holding a man at gun point. Her hand was shaking and I could see the man staring at her. He wasn't scared. I ran into my parents room and grabbed a snub nose .357 handgun. I got their just in time because he started to move and I pulled the hammer back. I remember my mother telling me not to shoot him. He left and people stopped braking in the house.

Things got better for a while at home. I guess I earned my 'man' card.

My father then decided to take things to the next level. He decided to build shotgun grenades. They are basically a pipe bomb that explodes on impact that is shot from a 12 gauge shotgun. He decided to test this contraption on a bridge and blew a hole in it and he was proud. He made it on the news for his pouching ring and the bridge incident.

Losing my 'man' card.
This lifestyle tore my middle brother apart. I knew he was bisexual. He suffered most the same as I, but he never told anyone until later when it was too late. He relied heavily on drugs to hide his pain. He did things that were a sure sign of emotional problems. I vividly remember him catching cats and locking them in the car with the family pit bull. I can still see how happy he was when he pulled the dead, mangled cat from the car. One day he opened the door and the injured cat jumped out and climbed the tree. It stopped and rested on the branch just outside of his room and died.

I knew this was wrong and it was only going to get worse. He moved shortly after with his girlfriend and his child. He was miserable and unhappy and only did more drugs and became more violent. He hated life. When visiting him one day he became upset and went in to his bedroom to beat his girlfriend. My father and brother were there and did nothing.

I went back to the room because she was screaming for help. I could see him on top of her punching her head side to side between his fist. I can still hear her begging for him to stop. She was bloody and helpless. All I could think of is that they would so the same to me if they found out.

So, I did what any 'normal' person would do and ran to the phone to call the police. That mistake almost cost me my life. A few weeks later when I was laying in my bed I heard a bang from the next room. I woke up and saw drywall on my face and neck. I looked over to see that there was a hole in the wall inches from my head. My oldest brother, not the one who beat his girlfriend, said that he was cleaning his gun and it accidentally went off. My father sat next to him and said nothing.

That is moment when I realized that I really messed up. Most people heard the saying that snitches get stitches. A cut on the face so that everyone knows is customary as gruesome as it may be. I can only imagine that if I hadn't earned my 'man' card that I would have a giant cut on my face. I knew this was the first and only warning I would ever get.

Shortly there after my middle brother killed a man outside of a bar and was not convicted. He walked with numerous eye witnesses. He was not free for too long because eventually he did go to prison. He got away with murder, but not child molestation. Between prison and a mental health hospital he was gone for almost 20 years. The last I know of him he was so strung out and mentally gone that he is basically a zombie.

Well...enough for today...maybe I'll finish telling my life story and how I finally became who I am today.

Offline kellb

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Re: How I developed a male personality
« Reply #1 on: September 06, 2018, 07:50:27 am »
You have my full sympathy.  I was raised by religious fundamentalists - not as harsh or brutal, but enough to know.  You did nothing wrong.  You survived a difficult and dangerous upbringing.  You are not alone and you are better for being yourself.
One day they woke me up; so I could live forever.

Offline Alice V

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Re: How I developed a male personality
« Reply #2 on: September 06, 2018, 08:37:13 am »
And now I think I had almost healthy family. Dammit girl, it sucks. Though you here now, and you making your way through transition, which means you survive this and now you're probably safe, so I glad you here with us.
Name: Alice
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Members of "Alice club": Alice V, Alice (Nym)  :D

Offline Allison S

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Re: How I developed a male personality
« Reply #3 on: September 06, 2018, 09:27:45 am »
Wow your brother did all that because he was repressing being bisexual?
That's insane..

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