Author Topic: I'm new... a spirit quest  (Read 493 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Anita43

  • Newbie
  • **
  • Posts: 21
  • Reputation: +1/-0
I'm new... a spirit quest
« on: September 06, 2018, 07:03:55 am »
Hello, I'm Anita ... or, at least that is what I'm currently thinking my name will be.

Several months ago, my dog and I went on a hiking vacation alone, traveling around Lake Superior and just spending time philosophizing, meditating, hiking, chatting with new people, etc... Yes, I'm one of those that really considers her life's values and spirituality and all that. Well, there was one hike in particular that something life changing happened. No, I wasn't expecting it. It wasn't until towards the end of my trip that I met a man on the hiking trail, and after having a good 15 or 20 minute conversation with him, he told me that I was on a spirit quest (he was a young man from Toronto ... and, by the way, I'm a budding woman of 43). I had no idea, I thought I was just out enjoying the forests of Canada. Anyhow, that was later. On this particular day I woke up very early to get to the hiking spot, Jasmine (my weimaraner) and I set out at between 7 and 8 am on the hiking trail. The forest was covered in dew, absolutely awe inspiring... I could write about that hike and the trail for a long time, but this isn't that story... so, anyhow, while hiking along I was really thinking about life and its meaning and how to live a better life. After hiking for about 3 hours, I came over a little hill and there were 4 people standing there, the first people I had seen all day on the trail. They were standing in front of a bridge, which was my final destination on this hike. The wonderfully happy and conversational canadians, after listening about their travels to get to our destination via boat, they insisted I cross the bridge as they already had from the other side. The walking suspension bridge was high about waterfalls and began bouncing as Jasmine and I got to the center of it. I stopped in the middle to turn and smile and wave at my new canadian friends, and seriously, this may sound corny, but I was just filled with this overwhelming, warm, most peaceful feeling in the world. I had this realization that to live my best life, I need to just be me. I knew that if I was just myself and dropped all of my walls, that everything would be okay.... everything will be okay. Now, no, I was not thinking at this moment of transitioning, it was just the concept that I realized and fully accepted that I am myself and I should live whatever that is.

Of course, like I'm guessing all transgender women (I haven't actually met another one..yet), thoughts, desires, truths of how/who I am,  of being a woman had come to me always, I've always like superficial things like perfumes, painting my toenails, womens clothing, etc... However, the above story really kicked into overdrive after I returned home from vacation. I don't know the exact timeline, that first week or two is a blur of extremely rapid thoughts and changes within.. and without. Next thing I knew I had a small wardrobe of skirts, female yoga tops, a blouse, makeup galore, and fake boobs. When I first covered myself in makeup (ugh, now that is going to take more practice than I thought! lol), I stood there in my super cute knee-length checkered skirt and lavender yoga shirt, with painted eyes looking in the mirror. Even after I had the realization that I just have to be me without any walls, there I was looking completely like a girl, and still struggled with admitting to myself that I am a woman. This last month has been an absolute whirlwind of emotions: crying at work (noone saw lol), absolute joy at the realization and the excitement of moving forward, moving back 1 step a few times with moments of deep denial. I think the most hilarious memory that came across me was that I realized, on many, many occassions, I had actually said out loud "oh just pretend I'm a girl" in various manners to other people. It was so unbelievably obvious (I suspect to some others as well that know me) once my walls were down about who and what I am.

I am looking for help. I hope I can find help here. Also, next week I'm meeting with a therapist to assist me in .... in all of this. I'm also looking forward to my first support group meeting. What should I wear? Should I wear a skirt outside for the first time when I go? What should I say? I'm nervous a little bit. I don't know what to expect. My plan is to begin hormone therapy within a few months. How this entire process is "supposed" to be done, I don't know. I only know that, if I can continue to keep these walls down and be me instead of the "me" that is trying to be a man, full of that misplaced testosterone, I know that if I can keep out of my mind societies pressures that I have to be a "man", if I can just be me with no walls, I know everything will be okay, because I have only one person in this world that I want to impress anymore, and that is me, Anita. I've already begun just being me and my life is so much better. I'm allowed to be emotional, I'm allowed to feel, I'm allowed to .... ugh, I'm rambling...but I'm a rambling woman.

I have so many questions! lol.... that is my story :)

-Anita

Offline Jessica

  • I love you. No...... I might not know you, but if folk can hate for no good reason, I can love.
  • *
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 3,575
  • Reputation: +27/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: I'm new... a spirit quest
« Reply #1 on: September 06, 2018, 07:15:19 am »
Hi Anita 🙋‍♀️ Welcome to Susan’s Place!  I’m Jessica.
It is wonderful that you have found us.  There are many here that have experienced revelations that help them escape the societal pressures that are there. 
Know that the varied experiences of other members can be of great help, along with they will learn from you.

I see your new here, so I’ll post some links that may help you get better acquainted with the site. Pay attention to the site rules they can be of great help and don’t forget the link highlighted red.  It has answers to questions that are commonly asked.  Then join in on a topic you find interesting and learn and share.


Things that you should read

"If you go out looking for friends, you are going to find they are very scarce.  If you go out to be a friend, you'll find them everywhere."

Offline Alaskan Danielle

  • If you want friends, be friendly, be the first to smile and introduce yourself.
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 5,005
  • Reputation: +30/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • I love living as a Female.
Re: I'm new... a spirit quest
« Reply #2 on: September 06, 2018, 09:10:19 am »
@Anita43 
Dear Anita :
I see that you were just welcomed here by our lovely California Girl  @Jessica ....
... if you would, please allow me to also give you a warm WELCOME TO SUSAN'S PLACE

I am very glad that you have become a member of Susan's Place and that you have shared your first and most informative Introduction posting with other members here on the Forums.
I am thinking that you may have lots more questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances.
Be aware that there are a lot of members here that can identify with your situation..
 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others  and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here on the Forums if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....

 ***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 
Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace. 

In her Welcome Message  Jessica  included Important LINKS that will tell you about Susan's Place.  Included there is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.   

Please don't be a stranger, we want to share postings and thoughts with you.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Check out my Personal Threads that have more details about myself (click Links):
   "I am the HUNTED PREY : Danielle's Chronicles"
               "Positive Mindset... put away negativity"
                            "Susans Writers and Book Readers"

Started HRT March 2015  3½ years ago, it's been an exciting journey
>>> I've been Full Time since December 2016 :icon_chick:
I am 38 years old, Single, and Self Employed in a small town up in the COLD North.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Offline V M

  • The Female Clint Eastwood
  • *
  • Posts: 24,213
  • Reputation: +177/-0
  • The Butterfly flutter by smile upon you
Re: I'm new... a spirit quest
« Reply #3 on: September 06, 2018, 02:29:36 pm »
Hi Anita  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's Place  :)  Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M
The main things to remember in life are Love, Kindness, Understanding and Respect - Always make forward progress

Superficial fanny kissing friends are a dime a dozen, a TRUE FRIEND however is PRICELESS

 
- V M

Offline Maria2018

  • Newbie
  • **
  • Posts: 18
  • Reputation: +1/-0
Re: I'm new... a spirit quest
« Reply #4 on: September 06, 2018, 04:17:11 pm »
Hi Anita :)
Welcome, I'm new here too (joined a couple of days ago) and a lot of your story really resonated with me. Especially like you say, being true to yourself being the best thing you can do. Personally I'm still figuring out where exactly I fit (definitely not cis, definitely a LOT more female than male but that's about as far as I've got   :P ) but already just giving myself permission to explore this whole side of myself and accept whatever I find is really bringing a peace that I never knew I was missing.

I hope that you continue to find your peace and that the journey you're beginning goes well!
Maria
Xx

Offline Anita43

  • Newbie
  • **
  • Posts: 21
  • Reputation: +1/-0
Re: I'm new... a spirit quest
« Reply #5 on: September 06, 2018, 05:41:39 pm »
Thank you so much Jessica, Danielle, and VM for your warm welcomes and introductions to the site and its resources  :)

Hi Maria, isn't it exciting! Well, mostly exciting but a whole bunch of other stuff mixed in too. Finally, you (we) can breathe and just be. Allowing ourselves to just be happy and accept ourselves with chains and walls removed is so incredibly peaceful and exhilarating at the same time. You hear such phrases all of your life from others, and they become such a cliche. But at some point, eventually, the difference between believing it and feeling it/living it become apparent and something changes... I'm so glad you have given yourself permission to be you and explore those hidden areas! I'm sure your journey is an interesting one and I hope I get to read more of your posts in the future :)

Thanks again all you lovely people for your replies,

Anita


Offline Tatiana 79

  • *
  • Posts: 377
  • Reputation: +7/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • Don't dream it be it
Re: I'm new... a spirit quest
« Reply #6 on: September 06, 2018, 06:56:57 pm »
Hello Anita
  Welcome my dear your story about hiking by Lake Superior  caught my eye because I also enjoy hiking along the south shore of Lake Superior in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan where I live.
 You really get the time to think about things walking around Big Lake as I have spent much time Agate picking on it's shores. 
 I have literally spent the last 25 years up here in the Northern Forest thinking about the same things you mentioned.
 Nature is a wonderful place to try and figure yourself out but I believe you already have. I'm pretty sure I know the exact suspension bridge you're talking about and it is a most inspirational spot to say the least.

 But anyways I think it's wonderful you found this place because you will find it's a true Gem of a resource full of caring people willing to share their stories and experiences with you.
 I think it's a good idea that you're seeking treatment and trying to understand the core issue that's mainly affecting your life.
 I wouldn't worry too much about what to wear to impress your therapist I think your demeanor and  words would matter much more than what you're wearing on your exterior.
 If you take your time and interact here you will find you are among your own kind that can offer invaluable advice and help in areas where you seek.
 I hope you find all you seek and more here.
 All the best to you finding your path in life
    love Tatiana

Online Michelle_P

  • Transgender veteran, advocate, and public speaker
  • Family
  • *****
  • *
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 3,845
  • Reputation: +47/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • Voices for Transgender Equality member
    • Michelle Paquette (Blog)
Re: I'm new... a spirit quest
« Reply #7 on: September 06, 2018, 07:07:45 pm »
Hi, Anita!

You had asked about wearing specific things for group.  In general group sessions are very much ‘come as you are’.  Some girls may dress well, others may be in drab after having gotten off work where they aren’t out yet.  The group will just go with the name and pronouns you give at the beginning of the session, no big deal.

I generally dressed femme for group and individual therapy sessions just because I tended to be more relaxed and talkative.  That is, in my case my dressing made therapy work better for me.

All the best!
Michelle P.
Earth my body, water my blood, air my breath and fire my spirit.

Electrolysis - Hours in The Chair: 233 (8.5 were preparing for GCS, five clearings); On estradiol patch June 2016; Full-time Oct 22, 2016; GCS Oct 20, 2017; FFS Aug 28, 2018
Michelle’s personal blog and biography

Offline Saha

  • Neighbor
  • ***
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 71
  • Reputation: +2/-0
  • Gender: Male
Re: I'm new... a spirit quest
« Reply #8 on: September 10, 2018, 12:26:45 pm »
Welcome Anita, you are in the right place!

You have already had some contact with this amazing community of people, becoming a more authentic version of themselves.  It is a beautiful thing to watch people grow into more fulfilled lives.

Dive in, you've made a great start!

Offline Angelic

  • Friend
  • ****
  • Posts: 103
  • Reputation: +1/-1
Re: I'm new... a spirit quest
« Reply #9 on: September 10, 2018, 04:02:56 pm »
Of course, like I'm guessing all transgender women (I haven't actually met another one..yet),


Just kidding, I was also the same way when I was a teenager, not knowing the existence of transgender women or men at all. It is kind of a special feeling, like you are special and misunderstood.
Intolerables, everywhere...cannot escape them.

Offline nancy_james

  • Visitor
  • *
  • Posts: 10
  • Reputation: +1/-0
Re: I'm new... a spirit quest
« Reply #10 on: September 11, 2018, 06:38:49 am »
Welcome...that's a beautiful story. You should write a book.

Offline Anita43

  • Newbie
  • **
  • Posts: 21
  • Reputation: +1/-0
Re: I'm new... a spirit quest
« Reply #11 on: September 11, 2018, 09:21:45 pm »
thank you so much for your responses and support, it means so much to me!

I saw my therapist for the first time today... although we discussed my name only briefly towards the beginning of our long session, at the end she said "Okay Anita I will see you next week!" .. OMG that was the first time in person anyone has called me Anita. I totally blushed, gave her the OOOOO look, covered my face briefly, and then smiled (I was not expecting it! lol). It felt so good. It felt so right.

hugs to you all! :)
-Anita

Offline Jessica

  • I love you. No...... I might not know you, but if folk can hate for no good reason, I can love.
  • *
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 3,575
  • Reputation: +27/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: I'm new... a spirit quest
« Reply #12 on: September 11, 2018, 11:45:51 pm »
@nancy_james

Welcome...that's a beautiful story. You should write a book.

Hi Nancy_james 🙋‍♀️ Welcome to Susan’s Place!  I’m Jessica.
You deserve a greeting yourself, since you have just joined!

So since you’re new here, so I’ll post some links that may help you get better acquainted with the site. Pay attention to the site rules they can be of great help and don’t forget the link highlighted red.  It has answers to questions that are commonly asked.  Then join in on a topic you find interesting and learn and share.

Please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum to tell the members about yourself!

If you are one of our younger members, please stop by the Youth Introductions Forum and get acquainted with us all!




Things that you should read



"If you go out looking for friends, you are going to find they are very scarce.  If you go out to be a friend, you'll find them everywhere."

Offline Jessica

  • I love you. No...... I might not know you, but if folk can hate for no good reason, I can love.
  • *
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 3,575
  • Reputation: +27/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: I'm new... a spirit quest
« Reply #13 on: September 12, 2018, 12:01:13 am »
thank you so much for your responses and support, it means so much to me!

I saw my therapist for the first time today... although we discussed my name only briefly towards the beginning of our long session, at the end she said "Okay Anita I will see you next week!" .. OMG that was the first time in person anyone has called me Anita. I totally blushed, gave her the OOOOO look, covered my face briefly, and then smiled (I was not expecting it! lol). It felt so good. It felt so right.

hugs to you all! :)
-Anita

Congratulations on this big step on your journey of self awareness.  It gets better and better with each milestone, such as this one.

Hugs and smiles from a California girl

"If you go out looking for friends, you are going to find they are very scarce.  If you go out to be a friend, you'll find them everywhere."

Offline nancy_james

  • Visitor
  • *
  • Posts: 10
  • Reputation: +1/-0
Re: I'm new... a spirit quest
« Reply #14 on: September 20, 2018, 04:02:29 am »
@nancy_james

Hi Nancy_james 🙋‍♀️ Welcome to Susan’s Place!  I’m Jessica.
You deserve a greeting yourself, since you have just joined!

So since you’re new here, so I’ll post some links that may help you get better acquainted with the site. Pay attention to the site rules they can be of great help and don’t forget the link highlighted red.  It has answers to questions that are commonly asked.  Then join in on a topic you find interesting and learn and share.

Please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum to tell the members about yourself!

If you are one of our younger members, please stop by the Youth Introductions Forum and get acquainted with us all!




Things that you should read

Thanks, Jessica :)

Offline Angelic

  • Friend
  • ****
  • Posts: 103
  • Reputation: +1/-1
Re: I'm new... a spirit quest
« Reply #15 on: November 10, 2018, 11:17:39 am »
Ok let's get one thing straight...Smells and clothes are not superficial.

When I wear men's clothes some of the clothes dries me out and messes with my mind. The fabric feels oppressive to me. Not even talking about my gender identity, I'm talking about a chemical reaction here.

Same with smells. Certain smells can make me feel angry or depressed and ruin my day. So it's not vanity or superficial.
Intolerables, everywhere...cannot escape them.

Offline Johnni Gyrl

  • *
  • Posts: 87
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • If you can't be good, don't get caught!
    • S.G. McCloskey - Official Author Site
Re: I'm new... a spirit quest
« Reply #16 on: November 14, 2018, 04:43:48 am »
Great story Anita and more power to you! It is indeed a spiritual quest for some, just as you alluded to, that's how I see it too. i.e. The outer appearance slowly changing to match the true inner self. Don't worry about which comes first or next, your intuition and some basic research will guide you on what to do next. Sometimes it's also good to stop and feel the moment though, taking stock of where we've been and where we think we're going. It's a marathon really, not a sprint.

Best Regards,

Johnni

Tags: