Author Topic: Seeking advice and help  (Read 230 times)

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Offline Shennae

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Seeking advice and help
« on: September 24, 2018, 10:42:12 am »
Hello all,

I am looking for some advice and help today. I hope I don't babble too badly here.

Recently after my first therapy appointment (about three days later) I sat down with my wife and talked about the session. We were talking about going to marriage counseling to try and get some things out in the open. Here's the skinny on that conversation. I told my wife that my therapist and I began by talking about our marriage and why we were out of sync. So we decided to go way back to my childhood and discussed the time from then to the present day to try to figure out why we might have marriage concerns. I then told my wife that out of all that my therapist diagnosed me as being transgender and said that could be one of the things causing our marriage to slip. My wife was taken aback a bit. She asked if I wanted to become a woman and at the time I said no but told her that there were many days I do want to transition. She told me that she didn't understand being transgender. About a week and a half later, we talked again and she admitted that she didn't understand if I thought I was trans why I didn't say anything earlier. I told her that having male parts on the outside I tried to suppress the thought and tried to live as a male because I felt that's what having my male parts meant. Not too sure that was the right thing to say or not. Anyhow, my wife again said that she couldn't wrap her head around the idea of me wanting to be a woman. She said she just didn't understand.

So, my question is: Is there a website or multiple sites where I can get some articles for my wife to read which describe transgender to someone who doesn't have a clue about it? I think this would probably help her better understand my situation and maybe, just maybe she could find it in her heart to stay with me as I transition and become the woman I really am.

So my wife now knows that I'm transgender. Where we go from here is yet to be seen. Keep your fingers crossed. I am.

By the way, I asked her to keep this just between the two of us for now and she has honored that. Our two daughters know nothing about this as far as I know. Sometime down the line I'll be able to come out to them.

I would appreciate any help and advice any of you could give me on this. I believe this is such a great site for great support like this.

Thank you and hugs to all of you!
Shennae

Offline KathyLauren

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Re: Seeking advice and help
« Reply #1 on: September 24, 2018, 11:37:08 am »
Congratulations on starting therapy and coming out to your wife!  Those are both big steps.

I am sure there are good articles online, but I don't have any hand links to share.  No doubt other members will.  I got most of my information right here on Susan's Place.

When I was coming out to people, I avoided using the word transgender right off the bat.  I would tell them that I had been diagnosed with gender dysphoria, which is the term that the medical professions use for people that are transgender.  (And that was the only time I used the word.)  And then I would explain that gender dysphoria meant that there was a mismatch between the gender of my body and that of my brain that had existed since I was born.  And I made sure never to say that I "wanted to become a woman".  Instead, I said that I wanted to live as the woman I was born to be.

The key points there were:
- it is a professional diagnosis (so it is not my imagination)
- it is a physical condition (not some kind of delusion)
- I was born this way (so it is not something that "happened")
- I was born to be a woman (so it is somethingthat I need, rather than want)

My thinking was to take away, right up front, the possibility of them thinking this was a choice or something kinky.  It worked pretty well for me.  Perhaps it will help with explaining it to your wife.

I was 61 when I had the talk with my wife.  So of course, the "Why didn't you tell me sooner?" question came up.  And I told the truth.  I had often wondered if I was trans, and that I had always managed to convince myself that the answer was no.  So I didn't really know, myself.  What changed was that I could no longer convince myself.

It might be helpful for your wife to have a session, by herself, with your therapist, so she can ask her own questions and get answers directly from the them.
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly, beginning full-time; 2017-07-10 Legal name change

Offline tgirlamc

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Re: Seeking advice and help
« Reply #2 on: September 24, 2018, 12:00:50 pm »
Hello Shennae,

You may see yourself a bit in the words of this paper by Anne Vitale...

I saw myself very clearly in the group 3 description

http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm

All good things to you as you sort out the road ahead!

Onward we go..

Ashley 🙂🌸
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment"... Ralph Waldo Emerson🌻

Hope Lives...https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,233543.0.html

Fear Not... https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,230730.0.html

“All shall be well and All shall be well and All manner of things shall be well... For there is a force of love moving through the universe that holds us fast and will never let us go.” ... Julian of Norwich 🌻

Online Alice (nym)

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Re: Seeking advice and help
« Reply #3 on: September 24, 2018, 12:42:41 pm »
The link Ashley gave helped me a lot these last few days. A very good article. I definitely fit in the group 3.

Another one I found useful was:
https://www.nelft.nhs.uk/download.cfm?doc=docm93jijm4n1063.pdf&ver=1226

It takes a lot of courage to be truthful to ourselves and to the ones we love.
Between Mars ♂ and Venus ♀ lies Earth ⊕... where I currently live... but I am looking to move to Venus ♀

Offline RandyL

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Re: Seeking advice and help
« Reply #4 on: September 24, 2018, 02:29:19 pm »
Also, on this site Anne Vitale has an entire section of many articles written by the wife of a trans woman. Find those articles and see if you want to refer your wife to them.

My wife and I often find that the difficult conversations go badly when we have them with just the two of us, but if we take them to our counselor she can offer a third perspective and a calming down that helps a ton. We usually come out of those sessions feeling better and with more of a direction forward.

All the best,
Randy
Hello Shennae,

You may see yourself a bit in the words of this paper by Anne Vitale...

I saw myself very clearly in the group 3 description

http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm

All good things to you as you sort out the road ahead!

Onward we go..

Ashley



Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

If so, then why not?

Online Dena

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Re: Seeking advice and help
« Reply #5 on: September 24, 2018, 08:42:23 pm »
You might want to look at our WIKI as it has a section on transgender.
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Offline LizK

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Re: Seeking advice and help
« Reply #6 on: September 25, 2018, 01:33:52 am »
My wife edecided she wanted to see my therapist after I offered very early on once my therapist had suggested it. I think she had been on google so had a basic idea but after having a session with my therapist she was very different...it was like she understood a lot more than she used to. She was just uneqivicably behind me... I also would find articles and share with her on facebook...be careful with that kind of thing I didn't realise how many insecure people think you are posting directly to them.

I hope you find some way to open the doors of communication

Liz


HRT since 17 May 2016, Fulltime from 8 March 2017, Transition Begun 25 September 2015 

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When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be – Lao Tzu


Offline Devlyn

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Re: Seeking advice and help
« Reply #7 on: September 25, 2018, 02:53:53 am »
Hello all,

I am looking for some advice and help today. I hope I don't babble too badly here.

Recently after my first therapy appointment (about three days later) I sat down with my wife and talked about the session. We were talking about going to marriage counseling to try and get some things out in the open. Here's the skinny on that conversation. I told my wife that my therapist and I began by talking about our marriage and why we were out of sync. So we decided to go way back to my childhood and discussed the time from then to the present day to try to figure out why we might have marriage concerns. I then told my wife that out of all that my therapist diagnosed me as being transgender and said that could be one of the things causing our marriage to slip. My wife was taken aback a bit. She asked if I wanted to become a woman and at the time I said no but told her that there were many days I do want to transition. She told me that she didn't understand being transgender. About a week and a half later, we talked again and she admitted that she didn't understand if I thought I was trans why I didn't say anything earlier. I told her that having male parts on the outside I tried to suppress the thought and tried to live as a male because I felt that's what having my male parts meant. Not too sure that was the right thing to say or not. Anyhow, my wife again said that she couldn't wrap her head around the idea of me wanting to be a woman. She said she just didn't understand.

So, my question is: Is there a website or multiple sites where I can get some articles for my wife to read which describe transgender to someone who doesn't have a clue about it? I think this would probably help her better understand my situation and maybe, just maybe she could find it in her heart to stay with me as I transition and become the woman I really am.

So my wife now knows that I'm transgender. Where we go from here is yet to be seen. Keep your fingers crossed. I am.

By the way, I asked her to keep this just between the two of us for now and she has honored that. Our two daughters know nothing about this as far as I know. Sometime down the line I'll be able to come out to them.

I would appreciate any help and advice any of you could give me on this. I believe this is such a great site for great support like this.

Thank you and hugs to all of you!
Shennae

It took you a lifetime to figure this out, your wife is going to need time, too. Just keep the lines of communication open as she works her way through understanding it all.

Hugs, Devlyn

Offline Shennae

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Re: Seeking advice and help
« Reply #8 on: September 25, 2018, 09:38:45 am »
Thank you all for all the advice. I am considering taking my wife to therapy with me so she can ask questions directly to my therapist to learn more. Hopefully then she can come to a better understanding of being transgender. That's what my therapist suggested as well. Maybe go this next one alone and discuss the options with her. We'll see. I do think that the sooner she is able to ask her own questions about it, the sooner she will possibly be accepting and maybe even supportive.

Again thanks to all and keep the advice and thoughts coming! I appreciate all of them.

Hugs
Shennae

Offline Faith

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Re: Seeking advice and help
« Reply #9 on: September 25, 2018, 11:30:16 am »
My self-realization and subsequent coming out to me wife were very close together. I hadn't even figured everything out (still haven't) when I told her. We went to the first 2 therapy visits together. We each went to one alone, and a 5th one together. We haven't been back since. It's not that the therapist didn't help but, it was the fact that we (wife and I) talked so much openly and honestly that it didn't leave much for the therapist to cover. I've considered going back again as a follow-up progress report session.

Anyway, point being, talk .. talk .. talk ..

One way I described it to my wife, perhaps not the best way, was: "What if you woke up tomorrow in a male body with the same female brain and inclinations that you have now? How do you think you would feel?"

Pretty sure I worded it differently and more than once but it did get the point across, along with other information. She did a lot of research for herself and came to me several times apologizing for certain comments that she had made (not insults, just comments) .. no apology was necessary in my mind.

Anyway, where was I .....

You have to shift it from "I want to become a woman" to "I want to be the woman that I was meant to be" as Kathy outlined.

and, I lost my train of thought again. Where's my coffee .............



I am who I am :icon_chick:

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