Author Topic: One New Life to Live  (Read 13495 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Oldandcreaky

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 859
  • Reputation: +13/-0
Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #280 on: June 21, 2021, 04:51:03 pm »
Laura, I don't understand your not passing. You are prettier than me and have a cute figure. Is it your facial hair? Your voice?

Offline Laura1951

  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 707
  • Reputation: +9/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #281 on: June 23, 2021, 07:21:38 am »

You and I have similar experiences, @SarahC, being our age and with our decision to stay, rather than go. Like you, being a role model was the last thing on my mind when I went 24/7. While I've mostly been accepted and left alone, the troubles I've experienced at the tennis club continue to trouble me. I'll write about that in the next post.

oh, and @OldAndCreaky, while I've been told I have a feminine face, I continue to not see Laura in the mirror, so I'm often self conscious about my appearance.

Laura
One New Life to Live (My personal blog)  |  My BA Journey 

Laura's HRT Journal     |     Laura's FFS Journey.   |  Stay or Go

Full Time since 11/27/20



Offline Laura1951

  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 707
  • Reputation: +9/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #282 on: June 23, 2021, 07:41:29 am »
June 23, 2021

I've been thinking why i've been more distant on Susan's the past few months and the answers always point in the same direction. It's all been about the stress i feel about the hate i'm experiencing.

My tennis doubles partner and i made the Women's Interclub Team in May, starting a revolt among many women to leave the club to play elsewhere. While some of these women were those we'd beaten, and in turn removed from the team, several were players who are still on the team.

The 30 women on the team consist of 15 pairs, since we're playing doubles. These are broken into three groups: One "A" team and two "B" teams who will begin playing teams from other clubs beginning in September. On my "B" team of 10 women, including my partner and myself, i know of three women who actively hate and gossip about me. There may be more though.

Yesterday, one of the women on our "B" team, who has been actively supportive since tryouts began, invited me to play with her at the club. It was the second time she'd done this in order to show other women that she accepts me. It was a wonderful morning of tennis, since she's in the B2 slot and my partner and i are in the B5 slot. (The strongest team is B1 and the weakest team is B5. However, all teams end up challenging teams during the season to move up the ladder, as my partner and i intend to do.)

What i learned yesterday was that this woman is also working actively to talk to the haters about accepting me. While part of me greatly appreciates her effort, the rest of me is horrified that she even HAS to do this, that like Blanch in Streetcar Named Desire said, "I depend on the kindness of strangers." Despite being a theatre arts major, i only want to blend in as Laura, not be in the spotlight because i'm trans.

This is the main source of my stress. oh, i could talk about the frustration of electrolysis taking so long or of the hoops i have to jump through to get BA, but those are procedural. In time, those things will happen, just like my FFS last year. I can control those. I can't control the hate. Nor can i feel comfortable that good people have to intervene on my behalf just so i can survive.

Laura
One New Life to Live (My personal blog)  |  My BA Journey 

Laura's HRT Journal     |     Laura's FFS Journey.   |  Stay or Go

Full Time since 11/27/20



Offline RandiL

  • Formerly RandyL
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 2,066
  • Reputation: +16/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • On the way
Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #283 on: June 24, 2021, 12:52:54 am »
Laura I'm so sorry this hate still continues. Those people are wrecking their own karma, both spiritually and amongst the good hearted people around them. I think there are many more of the good people than there are of the haters. Hugs, Randi

My smartphone thinks it's smarter than me. It's probably right.
Forging my new, best life as Randi

My personal blog thread: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last

My HRT thread: Randi's HRT Journal


Offline Oldandcreaky

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 859
  • Reputation: +13/-0
Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #284 on: June 24, 2021, 06:44:01 am »
Laura, you might remember that I once advised you to start your new life in a new place. You chose to stay and to take your stand in an arena that's politically red hot right now, i.e. a transwomen athletically competing against ciswomen. Years ago, when Renee Richards did the same thing, albeit on a bigger stage, Sports Illustrated wrote a story about her and her opposition. As long as Richards was winning, she was opposed. When she lost, the antipathy withered and she got to be one of the girls. However, as an old woman, Richards reported that she was always othered, likely due to her fame. Standing in the spotlight isn't easy and you've chosen to do that. Of course, you are always free to change your choice.

As far as being discomforted by people choosing to support you, please don't. They are choosing goodness. They are embodying courage. Don't deny them these wonderful choices.

Offline Laura1951

  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 707
  • Reputation: +9/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #285 on: June 24, 2021, 07:51:44 pm »
6/24/21

At Danielle's urging, I've posted a rather long closure post in my Should I Stay or Should I Go thread.

If she said "Jump", I'd probably reply, "How high?" LOL.

Laura
One New Life to Live (My personal blog)  |  My BA Journey 

Laura's HRT Journal     |     Laura's FFS Journey.   |  Stay or Go

Full Time since 11/27/20



Offline Laura1951

  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 707
  • Reputation: +9/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #286 on: July 07, 2021, 10:28:09 am »
July 7, 2021

When I read @Danielle's mid-summer weather report of 70 degrees, I thought, "That's a nice spring day in Northern California." But then, her spring is more like our winter.

Tomorrow begins a six day stretch of 100+F weather and on Saturday, when I play in a tennis tournament, it will be 109. Yes, hydrating and lots of sunscreen are essential.

Here in the valley, if it's July, it's best to be somewhere else. I'm not in the mood to travel, yet. I'm satisfied with day trips for now. Soon, I hope, when things open up across the world, I'm looking forward to adding stamps to my passport.

I'd like to thank Susan, Danielle, and Devlyn for agreeing to add a Breast Augmentation sub-forum to the Transitioning section. I've made my first post there of my BA journey.

Onward.

Laura
One New Life to Live (My personal blog)  |  My BA Journey 

Laura's HRT Journal     |     Laura's FFS Journey.   |  Stay or Go

Full Time since 11/27/20



Offline Northern Star Girl

  • Previously Alaskan Danielle
  • *
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 38,169
  • Reputation: +66/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • northernstargirl@susans.org
Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #287 on: July 07, 2021, 05:10:46 pm »
@Laura1951
Dear Laura:
I hate to break it to you but the temperatures today here where I live are 10 degrees or more cooler than yesterday.
This morning when I woke up and had my morning coffee 6:30AM I checked the outside temperature and it was 46 deg(f)... and the rest of the day is in the 50's and perhaps getting to 60 degrees for a few hours in the early afternoon, then tonight it's back down to the mid-40's.   
Cloudy and partly sunny.
..... this all sounds quite good to me as compared to the super-hot temperatures that you are experiencing.

WOW-zers!!!! Anything over 80 degrees (f) is unbearable, at least for me and most of my friends in my town. 
Just think, on Saturday your temperature will be 109 deg (f) !!!  I would think that even with air-conditioned cars, homes, and businesses it must be miserable... and from what I know when I have visited people I know in California in the summer time (Red Bluff, Merced, Bakersfield)... it really never really cools down very much at night.... hot and miserable.   
Definitely indoors in Air Conditioned spaces is the place to be.

Yes indeed, lots of sunscreen and lots and lots of water and other hydration will be required when you play tennis on Saturday.  After you day is done and after you go home and clean up and get a cool shower, I would think that Ice Cream would be quite appropriate or if you can find a coffee shop that still makes old-fashioned Milk Shakes and Malts that is where I would be going.

Regarding the new Breast Augmentation sub-forum
       https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,550.0.html
... I will be eagerly following your BA journey as you feel comfortable sharing with me and the rest of your avid followers.

HUGS and more HUGS..... stay cool!
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline Laura1951

  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 707
  • Reputation: +9/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #288 on: July 18, 2021, 08:54:31 pm »
July 18,2021

Visiting Mom


Today, i visited my mom for the first time in two years, COVID having created this distance. However, it was <deadname> who showed up, not Laura.I simply don't trust my mother with my story, so off went my makeup, nail polish and earrings, and on went a binder and male clothes i'd saved for occasions like this. Laura didn't like presenting as male, but she had no choice. Why?

First, a little history and a story.

My mom and dad divorced when i was 10, they having three children. i have an older brother, who is 74, and a younger sister who is 65. Within a few months of their divorce, mom was pregnant and married my step-father, a union that unfortunately still endures. From the beginning, he was a selfish, immature, and belligerent person as well as a womanizer. They had two children, so i have a step-sister (who was born first) and a step-brother). Both are perfect in their eyes and as a result will be the sole beneficiaries of their parent's inheritance. I don't really care because i figured that out in my 20s and saved diligently over the years. i'm doing just fine financially.

During ages 12-15, my sister and i suffered though open war between mom and my step-father, the police coming to our house more often than i remember, us hiding from the battles. 

Both step-siblings are incredibly selfish and my half-brother is as big of a jerk as his father. Still, they can do no wrong. As a result, the first children know that we're not really part of the present family, me figuring that out in my 20s and my sister just coming to that conclusion recently. She'd married someone just like my step-father so when that marriage ended a few years ago, she walked away with few assets. Still, with mom being 93, she feels an obligation to take care of her, my step-father not really caring. He's gotten meaner as he's aged.  i am only out to my sister and she's been incredibly supportive.

So, today <deadname> made the two-hour journey to the house my sister and her son bought, a refuge for when mom dies. My step-father is so toxic that, for her own sanity, she and my mom regularly escape to that house to be away from him.

the one good thing about COVID is that it gave me time to start being Laura, without any noticeable looks or questions from mom or her children. I got to grow my hair out, get FFS, as well as start HRT and electrolysis. Still, having to be <deadname> for a day was not healthy.

Below is message i sent to my sister after i returned home from the trip.

Dear <sister>,

Thank you for lunch today and for the tour of your beautiful home. I look forward to landing at Placerville airport to take you on a tour. Thanks also for the boxes of the family pictures we received from dad's estate. Scanning and connecting these pictures to Ancestry is going to be time consuming, but also fun and informative. I only wish that grandma and grandpa shared these when they were alive.

On the way home from Placerville, i was thinking about today's conversations, about how mom was feeling sad and how she was thinking that I don't love her.

That's a good question but I can't say for certain that I do. I've faked it for 40+ years, playing nice when talking on the phone or when meeting in person. I've hid my real feelings for so long, preferring to keep the peace, rather than standing up for myself, much like you did with <your ex-husband> and are probably doing with mom yourself.

Every Sunday, I remind myself to call mom and then I have a debate whether I want to be upset afterwards. That's why I call so infrequently. There's just so much pent up anger or disappointment inside me. Frankly, while I'll come up again to visit you and her, and attempt to play nice, I can't say these feelings will ever be resolved before or after her death. She may say she's sorry, as she did today, but as Rachel Maddow says, "Watch what they do, not what they say" which is another way of saying that actions speak louder than words. Mom's actions have never equaled her words.The bus we get thrown under is proof of that.

What upset me so much today was a reminder of how judgmental she can be and why I could never be honest with her, distancing myself as much as possible to avoid being upset.

We were talking about all kinds of family things when the conversation turned to <my first wife> and eventually to our divorce. At that point, she looked right in my eyes and reminded me that she cut me off from the family when i left <my wife>. Instead of ignoring her comment, I decided to stand up for myself. For seven years after her action, I had no contact with my family: no calls, no cards, and no invitations. It wasn't until <my brother> invited me to his wedding that things began to thaw.

Still, what kind of parent does that? What kind of parent pretends a child doesn't exist? Sure, she had a right to be disappointed at me, but I've seen that look of disappointment she directed at me today. It took me back to feelings I don't like having, that I either have to be perfect or pretend to be.

It hurts that dad and mom cut me off from their lives. That's not love. That's a reminder that the <first family> kids don't matter. <my half sister> can marry a bookie and that's ok? <My first wife> can withhold information about dad's death for one month and that's ok? When <my son> cut me out of his life 11 years ago, i tried hard for 10 years to reach out to him, sending cards as well as notes and letters, reminding him I love him and hoping we could be together. I'll never see <my son> again, but I still love him. For mom, though, I was simply invisible.

So, I'm sorry that she's upset and worried that I don't love her. However, she doesn't have the right to remind me of her judgement and expect me to pretend to be nice. I did so in the past. I hid all my feelings in the past, not wanting a conflict. I know, too, that she can never know Laura. I've always known that because instead of loving me as I am, as a loving parent would, she'd be judgmental. I simply don't trust her to share with her.

And so it goes.

Onward.

Laura
« Last Edit: July 18, 2021, 11:45:37 pm by Laura1951 »
One New Life to Live (My personal blog)  |  My BA Journey 

Laura's HRT Journal     |     Laura's FFS Journey.   |  Stay or Go

Full Time since 11/27/20



Offline Northern Star Girl

  • Previously Alaskan Danielle
  • *
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 38,169
  • Reputation: +66/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • northernstargirl@susans.org
Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #289 on: July 18, 2021, 10:44:34 pm »
@Laura1951
My Dear Laura:
I am so very glad that you took the steps that you did to finally visit your mother after not seeing her for 2 years.  My parents, as they are certainly older than I am, and suffering from "old age" ailments ... will not be around someday and I have always had the opinion that I do not want any regrets.... just imagine hard feelings and then they are "gone" forever.

As a full time transgender woman since 2016 I am still having to deal with nonacceptance from my parents and some other family members back home.

It is a delicate balancing act being who I have become and finding ways to visit them while they are still alive.  Once I went full time in late 2016 and relocated as a full-time woman to Alaska I have gone back home to visit them on an infrequent basis, usually around the winter holidays although I make a point to more often call them on the phone on the important times, birthdays, holidays, etc.

Everybody's situation is different and your situation is unique to you as you deal with your family members. 
Wow, that was quite a letter that you wrote... and you needed to write it, not only for your sister and others but also for yourself. 
Perhaps someday your mother can finally meet Laura... or perhaps not.   
Again you have a delicate balancing act of emotions and acceptance to deal with and you have serious decisions to make about how to handle that.

I want to share with you about my own experiences so you will know that you are not alone dealing with family members as we are in our journeys.
Here is a series of my posts describing what I had to deal with on my first 9 day trip back home several years ago ....
            December 24, 2018   I am the HUNTED PREY : Danielle’s Chronicles
     https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,236395.msg2208291.html#msg2208291
                        Thru
            January 03, 2019     A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
     https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,243696.msg2211666.html#msg2211666

I trust, hope and pray that you will find the acceptance you are looking for (and that you need) from your mother and other family members.

Thank you for sharing from your heart and trusting your followers here with your story.
       
HUGS and more HUGS and best wishes as you continue in your life journey.
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline Laura1951

  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 707
  • Reputation: +9/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #290 on: July 18, 2021, 11:36:21 pm »
Thank you, @Danielle, for your encouragement and for links to your family visit.

For me, Susan's is my journal, so I write freely here in order to process what I'm feeling and figure out how best to react to things. While I wish I could come out to my family (since I hate being <deadname>, mom is incredibly judgmental, something she reminded me of today. it touched a nerve and reminded me how mean she can be when she disapproves. For the first time, I gave it right back to her and while this hurt her feelings, I've held too much in for too long. <deadname> was capable of that. Laura is much more open about her feelings. thank you HRT.

We all have struggles as we transition; some more than others. We all also have people who disapprove of us. It saddens me when I read again how you were dead named during your xmas visit. Some people do it accidentally and self correct or apologize. My own sister makes this mistake, but quickly apologizes. Others do it on purpose as a way to hurt you. My mom would be in the latter camp, not the former.

However, as my sister and I were saying goodbye and hugging, she whispered thanks to Laura for coming, an affirmation I appreciated.

I'm terribly lonely at times, but knowing I have a few friends, both here and IRL, helps.

Laura
One New Life to Live (My personal blog)  |  My BA Journey 

Laura's HRT Journal     |     Laura's FFS Journey.   |  Stay or Go

Full Time since 11/27/20



Offline Pammie

  • *
  • Posts: 3,534
  • Reputation: +26/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • Up
Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #291 on: July 19, 2021, 08:36:05 am »
Oh Laura, I can’t begin to imagine how tough it was to go to see your mother in disguise like that. Sending extra hugs


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Offline Laura1951

  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 707
  • Reputation: +9/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #292 on: July 19, 2021, 09:39:18 am »
Thank you, @Pammie. It was a little weird, but necessary to avoid a fight.

Laura
One New Life to Live (My personal blog)  |  My BA Journey 

Laura's HRT Journal     |     Laura's FFS Journey.   |  Stay or Go

Full Time since 11/27/20



Offline Rachel Montgomery

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 578
  • Reputation: +10/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #293 on: July 19, 2021, 11:15:07 am »
I am sorry that you are lonely.  And, I hate that your mom is the way she is.  I am glad you have your sister.

I don’t expect this next statement to be a revelation to you, because you seem to already know it.  I mean it more as support that I think you are handling tough situations with grace. 

My mentor told says that when relatives treat you unfairly, when they hurt you, when they wrong you; shame on them.  But, that isn’t a license to do the same to them. But if you do, then shame on you.  We can’t control what other people do, but it is quite possible to feed off of it and make things worse.  In all ways, try to be the better person.  Your relatives may not notice, but you will have the joy of knowing that you did the right thing (even when it was hard).

Obviously, this doesn’t extend to forcing you to take attacks.  Protect yourself within reason.  When unfairly attacked, defend yourself.  And, if a relationship is too toxic, withdraw.  But, try to maintain contact, even if it is only from you with no response. 

So far, that has worked out to be good advice in my life.  I hope it makes you feel supported in the idea that you are doing the right things.


Offline Northern Star Girl

  • Previously Alaskan Danielle
  • *
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 38,169
  • Reputation: +66/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • northernstargirl@susans.org
Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #294 on: July 19, 2021, 11:52:13 am »
@Laura1951   @Rachel Montgomery 
Dear Laura and Rachel:

Yes indeed, in my opinion, Rachel Montgomery is very correct with her advice to you Laura when someone wrongs you, does not accept you, and/or when you are snubbed by your close relatives... and others.

Always take the "high road" and be the better person.  Defending ourselves can be counter productive especially when the other person is hurling unjust insults and treating us badly and unfairly.  At those times the best reaction may be to say nothing and politely walk away without huffing and puffing and without saying things that I may regret later in life.

I never want to have any regrets with my relationships, especially parents and close family members.
 
You will always be seeing these people at family events, weddings, graduations, funerals, etc. ...
... it's not like losing a friend, family is family.

I can't imagine the regret I would have if one of my parents or close family members passed, without me trying to forgive and forget before their gone.   I will always have my memories, I just want to make certain that they end up as pleasant and happy memories of my loved ones.

HUGS,
Danielle


I am sorry that you are lonely.  And, I hate that your mom is the way she is.  I am glad you have your sister.

I don’t expect this next statement to be a revelation to you, because you seem to already know it.  I mean it more as support that I think you are handling tough situations with grace. 

My mentor told says that when relatives treat you unfairly, when they hurt you, when they wrong you; shame on them.  But, that isn’t a license to do the same to them. But if you do, then shame on you.  We can’t control what other people do, but it is quite possible to feed off of it and make things worse.  In all ways, try to be the better person.  Your relatives may not notice, but you will have the joy of knowing that you did the right thing (even when it was hard).

Obviously, this doesn’t extend to forcing you to take attacks.  Protect yourself within reason.  When unfairly attacked, defend yourself.  And, if a relationship is too toxic, withdraw.  But, try to maintain contact, even if it is only from you with no response. 

So far, that has worked out to be good advice in my life.  I hope it makes you feel supported in the idea that you are doing the right things.
« Last Edit: July 19, 2021, 02:08:56 pm by Northern Star Girl »
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline Oldandcreaky

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 859
  • Reputation: +13/-0
Re: One New Life to Live
« Reply #295 on: July 19, 2021, 01:34:38 pm »
Danielle is so upbeat and an entrepreneur too and Laura was a leader and is a pilot. It's cuckoo for anyone to shun the two of you. CUCKOO!

And it makes me sad too.

Tags: coming out