Author Topic: Kathryn's Chronicles  (Read 12982 times)

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Offline KateR

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #300 on: November 24, 2020, 11:43:37 pm »
It’s hard to believe that in 8 days I undergo FFS.

Total honesty, I’m scared.  However, it’s a “moth to the flame” scenario in that ‘I can’t not do this!’

(Yes that was a double negative, however it was intentional.  It most accurately describes my emotional state.)

Well, on a side note Covid has hit all 3 of my daughters families.   Needless to say I’m not happy about that.

Finally, I wish you all a happy and healthy thanksgiving. 

Yes, I know my Canadian friends have already had theirs.  But what about my U.K. friends?  Do you set aside a day to give thanks?


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Offline davina61

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #301 on: November 25, 2020, 03:36:44 am »
Well I suppose you could say Guy Fawkes night when we celebrate the fact he failed to blow up Parliament !! Mostly we save it up for Christmas not that its happening this year with 3 households staying in a bubble and not allowed to mix with other bubbles. 
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


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Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever

Offline KateR

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #302 on: November 26, 2020, 12:18:11 pm »
In the shower this morning I realized my FFS will be on the same day, December 2nd, that I started HRT 2 years ago.

And I still remember sitting in the sofa about 2:30 Christmas morning, after sing a Christmas Vigil Mass and a Midnight Mass realizing that I was ‘finally’ emotionally at peace with myself.

Yes on this US Thanksgiving day, I have some really big things to be thankful for.


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Offline KateR

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #303 on: December 01, 2020, 09:11:26 am »
Well nerves have set in.  It’s hard to believe but 24 hours from now I’ll be sleeping through the first half of FFS.

I’m still in ‘moth to the flame mode’ scared but have to do it!

I’m not thinking of any good songs at the moment.  The only thing that comes to mind is ‘I’m Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta my Hair,’ however it’s already been used.

Any suggestions?


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Offline KateR

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #304 on: December 03, 2020, 11:41:41 am »
Well surgery ran a little over 6 hours.  Today all I can say for myself is that I’m vertical. 


My lovely spouse has been so, soooo, helpful.

I don’t deserve her.

The wrap bandages are off but I put on a headband to cover the suture line.  I can see in the mirror I already look different and Apple face-I’d is totally confused.


I’m not responsible for breaking your screen.





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Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #305 on: December 03, 2020, 11:48:34 am »
@KateR
Dear Kathryn:
Thank you for sharing your update.
I am so excited for you that you have now gone through your surgery... 
...now the hard part, your recovery and healing.

Patience is needed as it will take time for the swelling and pain to subside to reasonable levels.   
What you see right now is not what you will see after the healing is done.   

Again, thank you for sharing...
As always, I am wishing you well,

HUGS,
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline KateR

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #306 on: December 08, 2020, 02:29:18 pm »
Ok I’m better now.  But for the last week I was miserable.

It was the first one I was scared that I made mistake in transitioning.

As it turns out there were just things that I should have mentioned our asked about that I never realized could be an issue.

1) I broke my nose has a child and had what was called a deviated septum.  Well the causes my nose to  not drain properly and over the last 45 years  I’ve developed numerous sinus infections.  Like 2 or 3 a year.   Well he repaired the septum but I still developed an infection.   I started antibiotics.

2) The adhesive he uses to stick the cast on my nose irritates the skin of a small number of patients.  I guess I'm one of those patients.  So we doing a prednisone taper help clear that irritation up.

3) finally I just don't do well with opioid based pain meds. They just don't work for well for me.  So we switched to celebrex.  I'm on my second dose and other than a mild ache in the areas where bone was shavedcor trimmed I'm pain free.

So 3 hours ago I was scared, crying, and wondered if I'd ruined the rest of my life.  Right know I feel reasonably comfortable, happy, and I'm liking what im seeing so far





And it'd different enough that Apple made me reset my face-ID!
Kate

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #307 on: December 09, 2020, 10:49:33 am »
@KateR
Dear Kathryn:

Thank you for sharing your update.   
I am so very glad that you stated that you are better now...
...after your "miserable last week.

I am also happy that you were able to finally achieve pain relief
by switching from Opioids to Celebrex.

Hang in there.... healing and recovery will take time... and it will
take time for the swelling to go down.  Only then will you be
able to see the results that you are hoping for.

Patience is needed.... along with rest and healing.
Again, thank you for sharing your experiences.....
I will eagerly be looking for your updates as you feel comfortable
sharing and posting.


HUGS, HUGS, and more HUGS,   
Danielle

***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline KateR

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Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #308 on: December 10, 2020, 05:32:03 am »
Danielle;

First of all thank you for caring about me.  Yeah our lives are different and you've seemed to move beyond your transition and are living an authentic and mostly happy life, while I still have a year or more to go.  Thank you for sharing the light at the end of my tunnel (and NOT being an oncoming locomotive.)


Get your favorite beverage because what is to follow may be a bit random but definitely lengthy and deeply personal.

1) realize I'm on a prednisone taper and I've consumed 11 of those little white pills (and 3 antibiotics and 3 celebrex in the last 48 hours.). I need to sleep but am medically wired and have lots of deep emotional thoughts to get out of my system.

2) This morning, when I awoke, the first thing I felt was I'm human again.  Yeah there are some dull aches and places on my face that are better left untouched, but I actually cleaned up, got dressed and sorta finally after 8 days rejoined the human race.

3) Since last weekend I've had this internal debate about my appointment with Dr. Bluebond-Langner next week.  After all we're so close to a covid vaccine why take the risk?  Well, truth be told, I've been covid paranoid since this whole <poo&gt started and her office and I have worked together to establish actions to mitigate the risk and most importantly comply with frequently changing New York State public health requirements.  And she scheduled me for surgery even though we hadn't met personally and she still hasn't been able to do a pelvic exam.

My paranoia, Truthfully, is from last week's post-surgical pain (mismanagement) as a result not communicating to Dr. Markey in a timely fashion even though he gave me his personal cell phone number.

So I've consuosly decided to learn from my painful experience and get back on the horse that threw me and caused so much pain and go forward anyway!

4) I have to compliment Dr. Markey and his team.   When I got there they totally bypassed the normal check-in stuff and put Patty and I in an exam room And gave me a sedative or pain med.  I'm not sure what but Patty shared with them I was profusely crying and had been so for the prior hour or so.  She also shared with them on Monday how bad the weekend went.  They knew I was in pretty bad shape when I got there.

We were late getting there because of a) even though I was cold stone sober, because of intense pain, my driving was impaired, and b) road construction.  After 30 miles Patty took over the driving. Being late bothered me, and my mind put together the following scenario.  1) if Dr Markey couldn't see me then was there another Dr at the practice who could?  2) If not, I was then going to the st lukes ER.  If they wouldn't help me, even though I was a documented patient 3) I was ready to kill myself to end the pain. 

Back to Dr. Markey, The first thing he asked was if we were still friends.  I said yes and we went on to work on what needed to be done.  I was actually starting to feel Human again and could be rational in a conversation.  He removed the sutures and stints from my nose and a suctioned out the puss and crud.  He stopped and made sure my breathing felt more normal.  He waited the two or three minutes before I answered yes before he removed all the external sutures.  After that was all done he asked what I thought I needed.  He offered another script of opioids.  I turned him down.  We discussed how they theoretically work. You hurt but you don't care. I explained that over the years I've learned I need to 3 or 4 times the 5 MG every 6 hours to do anything.  NSAIDS like high to max doses of celebrex work better for me.  Aah they actually suppress and reduce inflammation!(?). He noted how above average my nose swelling was and prescribed the prednisone taper which I agreed to, and finally he prescribed an antibiotic since I had thrown some symptoms of some type of possible sinus infection.the antibiotic script might be a a little iffy but the consequences of missing a possible infection are far greater than taking a second pill with the celebrex to stay in the safe side!!!!

5) now that I'm feeling like a human again and putting up Christmas decorations I found a porcelain nativity figurine labeled 'injured'.  I opened the box and thought sadly about the fact this little angel hasn't been out of her box in maybe 20 years.

She was given to me by my mom and was originally proudly displayed for years. One year, out of the blue our cat decided she was a play toy.  I found all the pieces except for part of her thumb and glued her back together.  Eventually I bought a replacement via eBay. 

We're all injured in some way. Does that make us less beautiful? Does that mean we have to exist in a box?

She's out and proudly displayed this year and her 'perfect' twin is out also!

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« Last Edit: December 10, 2020, 10:29:00 am by KateR »
Kate

Offline KateR

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Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #309 on: December 15, 2020, 01:52:33 pm »
Well I made it to New York, successfully navigated the quarantine requirements, saw Dr. RBL & Dr. Zhao.  They got their examination and we’re all set for Oct 22 subject to some training, and a final exam closer to surgery date.


I was very impressed with the caring by the NYU team in contrast to the constant misgendering I’ve endured on this trip. 

It’s feels worse because New York and New York City feel more like communist China than the US with their COVID tracking requirements and invasion into my iPhone.

I’m going to reach out to Dr. Sidhbh Gallagher and see how her new practice is coming round.   When she left IU, she wasn’t accepting insurance and didn’t have a urologist to work with for full depth peritoneal.  If she gets these desires of mine worked out, I’ll probably go with her just to keep my wife more comfortable while I recover.

Yeah I’m fatigued, been stressed, not blending well at all, and ready to cry.

Oh today was the first day I made up since FFS.

The area I have to keep masked is itching like crazy.


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Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #310 on: December 15, 2020, 02:17:24 pm »
@KateR
My dear Kathryn:
I have been following your journey with great interest and with great empathy.  I am supporting you with my thoughts and prayers as you navigate your life path.

Your words about your recovery are not foreign to me... I fully understand the pain, discomfort and the mental ups and downs that you described.  Rest assured as more time goes by and your healing is more complete you will be very glad regarding your decisions.
Regarding your several comments about crying.... go ahead and have a good cry.. even frequent crying.... it is a good release, then treat yourself to a special coffee, or chocolate.

I would not want to venture into "Communist China New York City" as you had to.  I would imagine that you are out of the "city" and are back home now and in familiar surroundings. 
I am very spoiled with small town living.

Wow, you have your planned surgery date of October 22nd... it may seem like it is far off but the time will fly as you anticipate your surgery... it will be a big giant step in your journey for sure.

Thank you for sharing with me and updating me and the rest of your followers.
I am wishing you well and wishing you happiness as always.
HUGS and more HUGS,   
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline KateR

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #311 on: December 17, 2020, 07:35:27 am »
Hi all

I've been home a day now, and generally feeling better.   My face is also feeling better now that I'm fully back to my post-op care routine.

I did manage to get my self in a little trouble again.

There is one, older, long term family friend who I hadn't come out to based on the recommendation of multiple mutual friends.  I got tired of the position I had put Patty in where she would be stammering all over my name and my dead name in any conversations with this person.  So with the Christmas card I sent a handwritten coming out letter. 

I guess I should have listened to those mutual friends.    I seem to cause more pain when I try to protect some one I love.  Yes tears.

I remember posting this, somewhere, about a year ago:

"Whoever said 'Honesty is the best policy' obviously wasn't Trans!". 

Yup been reminded of it once again.


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Offline KateR

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Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #312 on: December 17, 2020, 12:00:11 pm »
I know the last couple of posts have been a bit negative.  Please understand there is medically documented issues with post anesthesia depression and I'm sure I'm in the middle of it right now.  My understanding is that I was under for almost 7 hours vs the 5 to 6 originally estimated.

I'm very aware and very grateful for some recent successes. 

For example my quarantine 25 is now the quarantine 15!

I really like how my lift lip is turning out, and with it my smile (which has been missing most of my life.) I think my brow lift and new nose are going to be beautiful. It's still swollen, though not nearly as bad as a couple of weeks ago.   So lets just say I'm hoping it ends up still smaller than it is right now.

I've had my 2 year anniversary of HRT.  My only regret is in waiting too long to do what I've known I've needed to do since like 1991.

I made good on my revenge toward my poor, totally innocent, norelco shaver



And have been reminded that certain behaviors, feelings, and responses to things, that I have are WOMEN'S TRAITS, which just reenforces I'm doing the right thing for myself!

And finally I love how I look in Draper James and White House Black Market tops and dresses, and how Wacoal embrace lingerie feels under at all!


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Offline KateR

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #313 on: December 22, 2020, 09:38:50 am »
Hi all

Well yesterday I went to Springfield for Electrolysis on my face and laser down there.  I think the laser down there is less uncomfortable than the laser and Electrolysis on my face.

So today as I drink my morning coffee, I ponder.

Why am I rushing GCS?   Yes I eventually want that birth defect fixed but what's driving me?  Fear of losing insurance coverage?  Fear of an impending coup de tat by a narcissistic, transactional man who doesn't care about any other human being besides himself?  The requirement of my resident state that I have to complete the surgery before I can change my gender marker?   Yet my birth state is still refusing to correct gender markers so that is now before the supreme court.

Most importantly, I've been successful at not pushing Patty away.   Once I have the surgery, she is officially in a lesbian relationship.   Has she fully processed it, and is she truly OK with it?

Ah yes back to there is no way for us to be ourselves, without disrupting the lives of those we love.

Danielle, if you don't mind me asking, do you/did you have siblings and parents that were alive when you transitioned?  If so are you still in touch with them?   If this is too personal please accept my apology and don't answer.


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Offline KateR

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #314 on: December 23, 2020, 08:14:00 am »
It has begun:

Preparation for a Christmas feast for 2.

One prime rib finishing up its aging process:




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Offline davina61

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #315 on: December 23, 2020, 08:41:11 am »
Feast for 2 here as well, mum is coming to me for lunch. Turkey crown and all the roasts, salmon on cruet as a starter . Individual ones that I will be making tomorrow along with the pigs in blankets and other goodies . Hope you have a good Christmas XXXX
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


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Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever

Offline KateR

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Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #316 on: December 23, 2020, 04:01:51 pm »
Danger Will Robinson:

Some more pondering follows......

I woke up this morning just feeling really weird, physically.  Can't really describe it other than it was a combination of multiple pains, an unsettled stomach, weird sinus feelings and dizziness.

OK this being day 8 since coming home from New York and my appointments at NYU Langone, of course I wondered if this was the first manifestations of Covid.  Then of course anxiety set in!

So I got up, did the usual expulsion of bodily byproducts and drank a full glass of water.  Then I got the thermometer out.  Temp was a little high for me 99.1 but hardly a fever.  Then I dug out the pulse oxymeter, pulse 82, O2 saturation 96, 97%. OK no issue there.  Still feeling anxious, I did take .5mg Xanax.   Then I had my first cup of coffee.   Morning routine now include saline spray and hydrogen peroxide up my nose to clean out post surgical crud.  So I did that.

That cleared up most of the sinus congestion and left me with some aches and still dizzy.

So more thinking.  I've been doing ibuprophen 400 MG 2, maybe 3 times a day since I stopped the celebrex.  Maybe that's been too long and I'm now irritating my stomach and lower esophagus and the pain up top feels like sinuses.

OK no Ibuprophen this morning, instead let's try one of the tramadols left over from my orchi.  Then I ate some dry cheerios as breakfast and laid back down.  There the pondering began....

For the longest time there was a level of ambivalence toward whether I lived or died.  Now, I'm definitely afraid of my mortality.  What changed?

The answer came back really quick.  I'm living for me now!  I'm over half way through this transition.  Kate has an incredibly strong desire to live, celebrate life, and finally be free to be herself!!!  What a waste to be so close and not to make it to the end and enjoy her new life.

So in addition to caring for the imunocompromised members of my family, she now deeply cares about herself. 

OK that that's the source of the covid anxiety.   

Also Kate planned the whole New York trip to minimize opportunities for exposure including buying first class airline tickets, sealing up clothing to put plastic barriers between outfits that could have been contaminated and yet to be worn outfits, always wore level 3 surgical grade masks, and if she felt people were too close, double masked.  She did everything humanly possible to protect herself.

I'm still dealing with some vertigo this afternoon.  I think it's really just part of the healing from all the work done on my nose as part of FFS.  The stomach pain and unsettledness is gone.  Still have mild sinus headache.  So, all things considered, I'm feeling pretty normal right now.   The key takeaway:  I really want to enjoy life as Kate, and I want to enjoy it for a long time to come!


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Offline KateR

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Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #317 on: December 28, 2020, 05:23:14 pm »
OK here's something I've started wondering about.

As the Estradiol does its thing, I'm losing upper body strength; especially in my arms.

I've always been the one to open stuck jar lids.

What happens if I can't do that anymore?   

Also here are some pictures of our Christmas feast!



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Yeah I'm not really good at getting pictures in the middle of everything.  The feast consisted of Prime Rib, Augratin Potatoes, Salad, corn on the cob, red velvet brownies and egg nog spiced with bourbon.

I guess I did good.  I only went backwards 3 pounds on my diet....
Kate

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #318 on: December 28, 2020, 05:34:19 pm »
@KateR
Dear Kate:
Losing muscle mass and extremity strength is something that most of us MTF girls experience. 
I never did have a lot of upper body, arm and hand strength before I transitioned but now it is a lot less that what I had, but the flip-side is that I have a much more feminine build, no big biceps and no more bulky muscle mass.  I now have a smaller bra band size but bigger breasts and a smaller waist...    a good trade-off in my opinion.

To get those difficult jar lids to open, you can get those rubber thingys that help you to grip the jar lids better, but also running hot water over the lid and tapping the edge with the back end of a table knife may help you to getting them open.

HUGS,
Danielle


OK here's something I've started wondering about.

As the Estradiol does its thing, I'm losing upper body strength; especially in my arms.

I've always been the one to open stuck jar lids.

What happens if I can't do that anymore?   


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline KateR

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #319 on: December 28, 2020, 06:38:56 pm »
@KateR
Dear Kate:
Losing muscle mass and extremity strength is something that most of us MTF girls experience. 
I never did have a lot of upper body, arm and hand strength before I transitioned but now it is a lot less that what I had, but the flip-side is that I have a much more feminine build, no big biceps and no more bulky muscle mass.  I now have a smaller bra band size but bigger breasts and a smaller waist...    a good trade-off in my opinion.

To get those difficult jar lids to open, you can get those rubber thingys that help you to grip the jar lids better, but also running hot water over the lid and tapping the edge with the back end of a table knife may help you to getting them open.

HUGS,
Danielle

Danielle:

I hope in the next year or so I can say the same thing!!!


What amazes me are the little things I hadn't considered.

If you had a lip lift, did you discover the way you used to suck on a straw didn't work anymore?

For me it was something that took all of 5 to 10 Seconds to fix, but non the less it's something different that I never thought about Pre FFS.

Thanks for being my friend and mentor.


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Kate

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