Topic: Kathryn's Chronicles

[KateR]

Saw my Endo on Tuesday.

Hormone levels are perfectly where they need to be.  We talked a lot about how I was feeling.  I said I found peace.  She was very happy with that. 

This evening, my spouse commented on my peacefulness...


My body has responded to HRT faster than I expected.  I definitely am developing a bust.  I also noted male jeans are getting very tight in the hip area.  She, my endo, noted the changes are becoming evident. 

She remembered, from our first appointment that I have 3 daughters, and 8 grandchildren.  She was asking me when I was going to come out to them.  I indicated I hadn’t set a timeframe.  She’s thinking the physical changes are going to force me to, soon, come out to people I hadn’t planned for yet. She thinks I need to start having those conversations now.

I’m both excited and scared.  I’m at peace, finally, with myself.  I look in the mirror and feel excitement with what I’m seeing.  Yes, Keith is dying and Kate is rising from the ashes...

Yet I thought I’d have more time to plan my coming out to my children & their families.  All the sudden I’m scared stiff.  Will they accept me, or reject me?

My next appointment with my ‘transition coach’ is Monday.

I hope we can discuss everything in 50 minutes......

I feel like I’m quickly approaching the ‘point of no return.’  I’m excited (for me) yet scared stiff!


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[KateR]

Well between flu bugs, travel, and my transition coach moving into a new office; today was the first conversation I had with her in over 2 months.

We had a lot to talk about!!!

The best part was a discussion about my bust.

I told her of my recent complication from the flu which had me in the ER last Sunday night / Monday morning.

Any mention of chest pain gets an EKG; even though I told them my pain was in my lungs.  During the EKG, the hospital gown fell down exposing my right breast.  My wife made me cover it back up.

I told my transition coach that I guess I’m developing a bit of a bust line.

She looked at me, paused, then said:  “Hell yeah.  You’ve got boobs now.  You can’t be exposing them!”  (I then admitted I wore one of my padded bras today.)  That did lead into a conversation about feminine socialization that I need to learn and start thinking about.

The eye opener for me is that when I look in the mirror, I see small buds.  I guess when others see me, they see a woman’s bust.  It’s kind of exciting.  (Now I just need to remember it!)

Kate   


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[KateR]

Well I guess I have boobs....

It was suggested that I probably need to think a little more about modesty.  To me there’s not much there but others see something.

Well, I get the tape measure out this evening.  The chest is still 42.  The bust is 46.

I guess I officially now have boobs....


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[KateR]

You know things have gotten really bad when you don't think you can trust your therapist.




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[KateR]

I had fun today.

Got my hair highlighted & trimmed.   I still have several months of letting it grow out to be able to wear it like I want, but I took some years off my appearance.

This is what's really cool. 

The stylist that did my hair is the same stylist I've gone to for 15 years.  The last time she cut it was shortly after I accepted my need to transition.  My hair hadn't been touched since. 

She was the third person I came out to.  I'm her first, openly to her, trans client. 

We're growing together.  It was fun!

My next hair appointment  is in 8 weeks!


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[KateR]

Not that I needed proof that the Estradiol makes me feel normal, I got it though.

Put the patches on a little too low last week.  The first one fell off Thursday night, and the second one fell off Friday Morning.  So I basically went 48 hours without the Estradiol being absorbed by my body.  (Put new patches on today like I do every Sunday.)

Well this morning I woke up and it became very apparent the dysphoria was back.  I’ve been anxious, irritated, and struggling to be civil all day.

I’m hoping this will clear up tomorrow or Tuesday at the latest and I’ll feel like myself again!!!!


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[Wendi]

Not that I needed proof that the Estradiol makes me feel normal, I got it though.

Put the patches on a little too low last week.  The first one fell off Thursday night, and the second one fell off Friday Morning.  So I basically went 48 hours without the Estradiol being absorbed by my body.  (Put new patches on today like I do every Sunday.) was

Well this morning I woke up and it became very apparent the dysphoria was back.  I’ve been anxious, irritated, and struggling to be civil all day.

I’m hoping this will clear up tomorrow or Tuesday at the latest and I’ll feel like myself again!!!!


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I just read your thread and it's inspiring. I'm glad things are going well with you. You've had good results with HRT. I hope I have similar results.

How are you and your wife doing? Have you come out to your family or any others besides the hairdresser?

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[KateR]

Well It’s Memorial Day weekend and my daughters & their families will be visiting.

Gonna be talking to them this weekend.

Scared stiff, but hopeful. 

After all I was a single parent to them for almost 3 years.  I hope my oldest remembers how we got through her puberty, and my youngest remembers I was very patient with potty training.

I want to believe it was Kate / Kathryn that understood what they were dealing with even though it was their father, Keith, that was there day by day...


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[Wendi]

Well It’s Memorial Day weekend and my daughters & their families will be visiting.

Gonna be talking to them this weekend.

Scared stiff, but hopeful. 

After all I was a single parent to them for almost 3 years.  I hope my oldest remembers how we got through her puberty, and my youngest remembers I was very patient with potty training.

I want to believe it was Kate / Kathryn that understood what they were dealing with even though it was their father, Keith, that was there day by day...


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Best of luck. Praying it goes fine.

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[KateR]

Best of luck. Praying it goes fine.

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Crying this evening.  Feel like I’m a half inch tall.

Had the perfect weekend to come out to my daughters. 

I let it pass.

Saturday, the 10 of us all went to see the new Aladdin movie.  In it is a scene where Aladdin wants to reneg on his promise to free Genie and asks to be a prince forever.  What follows is a conversation about truth, or living a lie.

It hit me really hard.

I’ve lived a lie all my life.  It’s not that I was trying to deceive others, but deceive myself.  Been bothered by the whole thing for 4 days now.

Choose your favorite obscenity....


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[KateR]

Earlier this week I was asked to cantor a funeral for a member of our church.  The funeral was this morning.  Now that it’s over, I can’t help but think how I’m changing.

Over the years, if I wasn’t close to the family - it was a performance.  I could do it, and do it almost perfectly.  If I was close to the person and the family, I would have emotions.

Now it’s always a struggle.  I feel the grief of the family, and it affects me.

Secondly, my hair’s longer, and I have a bust, but since I haven’t come out yet to all but a very close few - I present totally male; take off my earrings, put on a white button down shirt, suit, tie, blue or black calf length socks, black dress shoes.

Kinda humorous but as I dressed this morning I realized my white lace bra was showing through my shirt a bit.  I decided from now on, when I get a call from our music director that a family has asked for a cantor, I’m going to immediately wash my white sports bra....

Did put my earrings back in when I changed back to my more feminine wardrobe.  ;-)

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[HappyMoni]

Crying this evening.  Feel like I’m a half inch tall.

Had the perfect weekend to come out to my daughters. 

I let it pass.

Saturday, the 10 of us all went to see the new Aladdin movie.  In it is a scene where Aladdin wants to reneg on his promise to free Genie and asks to be a prince forever.  What follows is a conversation about truth, or living a lie.

It hit me really hard.

I’ve lived a lie all my life.  It’s not that I was trying to deceive others, but deceive myself.  Been bothered by the whole thing for 4 days now.

Choose your favorite obscenity....


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Sweetie, this is so, so scary. Don't be too hard on yourself. You will do it. Not telling does have a price, doesn't it. The fear remains and on top of that the anxiety of not telling is added to it. It makes you feel terrible. If you know deep in your heart that you want to tell them, that you need to tell them, make an appointment with them. Tell them that you are not dying (or any other awful thoughts that might come to their minds) but tell them there is something important you need to talk to them about. Set it up. Tell them you are nervous, scared even, of their reactions. You can add that you see it as good news. Have your girls ready to hear you out. Do it one at a time or all three. You will be terrified.  They will see how important and how hard this is for you. You cannot do this without being terrified. You cannot control their reactions. You can hold your head high, present it as kindly and respectfully as you can and go from there. Oh, don't be afraid to admit your pain of having to bring this to them, but don't act like you are ruining their lives. Show your concern for them. Ask how you can help them with the news. Make it a lot about what they need. I hope it turns out as well as with my kids. My one son told me that he was very grateful for how I talked to him. Good luck Kate!

[KateR]

Sweetie, this is so, so scary. Don't be too hard on yourself. You will do it. Not telling does have a price, doesn't it. The fear remains and on top of that the anxiety of not telling is added to it. It makes you feel terrible. If you know deep in your heart that you want to tell them, that you need to tell them, make an appointment with them. Tell them that you are not dying (or any other awful thoughts that might come to their minds) but tell them there is something important you need to talk to them about. Set it up. Tell them you are nervous, scared even, of their reactions. You can add that you see it as good news. Have your girls ready to hear you out. Do it one at a time or all three. You will be terrified.  They will see how important and how hard this is for you. You cannot do this without being terrified. You cannot control their reactions. You can hold your head high, present it as kindly and respectfully as you can and go from there. Oh, don't be afraid to admit your pain of having to bring this to them, but don't act like you are ruining their lives. Show your concern for them. Ask how you can help them with the news. Make it a lot about what they need. I hope it turns out as well as with my kids. My one son told me that he was very grateful for how I talked to him. Good luck Kate!

Moni:

Thank you.

I have another opportunity with our youngest daughter this week.  It’s not the sequence i envisioned, but i think we can make it work...  (see the next post....)


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[KateR]

HRT Stuff we don’t think about until it hits us upside the head...


It’s been and eye opening weekend for me. 

Background:

   Know that I’m almost 6 months on MTF HRT - AND I AINT    GOING BACK!!!  Know that I’m working to go full time late this    summer or early fall.

At 6 months I’m starting to realize some of the effects of the Estradiol and Spironolactone.

1) I fatigue easier doing things like yard work.  I mowed yesterday and trimmed the yard today.  In the Oklahoma sun, I felt hotter and more drained (physically).  So is that dehydration, from spirololactone; subcutaneous fat forming under my skin; and or the weakening of my muscles?  Go figure......

2) I cant decide how much muscle tone I’m willing to lose.  Patty & I went to the gym at are local country club for the hydro massage bed.  When she’s on the bed, I usually do some reps on the weight machines.  I noted on the leg press - in my younger years 20 reps of 400 pounds was easy peasy.  Tonight 20 reps at 305 pounds wore me out....

I don’t want to fight the feminization of my body, but having only 3 daughters, when I need help, I have to bribe them to threaten their husbands; or I have to remind my son-in-laws who they’re sleeping with (worked so far when I needed help.....). So how much physical strength can I lose and still function?

3) A bucket list item of our youngest daughter’s husband is to watch a Kansas CIty Royals game from the “Crown Seats”.  These are the first couple of row behind home plate.  As you can imagine the tickets aren’t cheap (even with a so far losing season.)

Patty & I decided I would treat my son-in-law to a night in the Royal’s Crown Seats.  That night is this Wednesday the 12th.  We pulled out my Royal’s attire this evening and realized that even under a compressing sports bra, I have a bust line.

Soooo, since we will be sitting behind home plate, and I started wondering how much is my bust going to show on TV?

Don’t care.  I’m rolling with it.  I feel so much better, emotionally, with the Estradiol I’m not going back.  It’s just one of those things that I didn’t think about until it hit me upside the head....


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[KathyLauren]

Good luck talking to your daughters.  I understand the hesitation and the missed opportunities - it took me six months to work up the courage to tell my wife - but you will do it.

The loss of muscle strength is part of this journey.  You can minimize it by working out, but it's going to happen.  I got a shock when I picked up my chainsaw for the first time after starting HRT (I don't use it all that often).  It had put on at least 20 lbs since I had last used it!    I am grateful to the young clerk in the pet store who offers to carry out the 15kg bag of cat litter for me.  It actually is helpful, because the bag is bloody heavy and awkward, and the interaction gives me a chance to practice up on being gracious.

Enjoy the ball game!  If your bust is getting hard to hide, it will give you extra motivation to have the talk with your daughters.

[KateR]

Well went to the Royals game Wednesday night and in the 9th inning our son-in-law and I, per my wife & daughter, got a good 10 Seconds or so of TV time.  Haven't had the opportunity to see the DVR yet.  But will because I'm curious how I presented.

Important thing was the opportunity to give our son-in-law an experience he wanted to enjoy, and would never do for himself.

Happy Birthday BJ!


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[KateR]

You know we often get support from some of the, we believe, most unlikely people.

Because of a family history of heart disease, I've been under the care of a Cardiologist for about 6 years.

My Doctor's PA can sometimes be rather curt.

So these were the last couple people from my regular medical care team I needed to come out to.

I was fearful.

So I went in braless, knowing there would be an EKG.

We started as usual with the med review.  The second one on the list was the last antidepressant I was on.  I told him I was no longer taking it and it could be removed from the list.  Then he asked about any new medications.  I said this may surprise him and added the Spironolactone and Estradiol.

I didn't say anything about dysphoria or transitioning. I was however expecting to be questioned and had a plan for my answers.

His response.  "My brother dealt with that." And then he started referring to 'her' & 'she'.

He  asked about breast growth.  I politely confirmed yes.  This was as he was getting ready to get the EKG.  He was going to see it momentarily.

We then talked some about how I'm taking this transition day-by-day, and I have no preconceived notion of where it will end up.  (Don't get me wrong, I do have a mental image of myself post transition. But I already have what I wanted from the hormones; peace with myself.)

I then reminded him that he thinks I look like Dustin Hoffman. (I get that from time to time.) I suggested that maybe instead of Dustin Hoffman, I'll look like Tootsie.

We both laughed.

Sometimes those who we expect to be the least supportive or most critical, are some of the most understanding.


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[KateR]

It's been a bittersweet couple of weeks.

My spouse & I lost my transition coach.  It was SO stupid.  She was taking insurance write offs that were wrong.   I dug into the issue and found that Optim was only looking for explanations.  Yes it's the hassle of an appeal of a denied claim.  My coach decided to go private pay only. 

I was forced into early retirement and looking at $20k in insurance premiums on the year.  I gotta get some of that back. 

The bitch of the issue is that when my therapist made her decision, she broke off all communication and had her billing person deliver the message.

Yes my spouse and I have both been depressed over the issue.

On the positive said I enjoyed male fail Saturday morning.  I loved it.

So it's been a bittersweet couple of weeks.


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[KateR]

MALE FAIL!!!!!

I enjoyed a weired male fail Friday evening.

We went to KC for a Granddaughter's 10th birthday party.  It was held at a bowling alley / restaurant / entertainment complex. 

Our daughter divorced our Granddaughter's father about 3 years ago.  While we maintained phone and text contact, we hadn't seen our former son-in-law in person for a good 4 or so years.  He and his new wife came to the party as well as our daughter's fiancee.

So here I am, early / mid transition, and he kinda blows right by me.   Not knowing if anything had transpired about custody or some other issue between him and our daughter that we may not know about - I just let it go.

About 20 minutes later he came to me and apologized.  He admitted he initially thought I was the mother of one of our Granddaughter's friends and didn't recognize me.

I accepted it all very graciously.  However, in my mind I filed it away as Male Fail.   I love that feeling.


In the end I don't know if I will come out to him.  I'm focusing on those closest to me.

But the common theme over the last month or so is that those who don't know seem to struggle to determine if I'm Male or Female.   Those that know me but haven't seen me for a long time are also having to look twice.  Those that I'm in regular contact with know I'm changing but, either haven't figured it out, or are being very polite.

Personally, I feel I'm making progress.  The old Keith is fading away and Kate (Kathryn) is rising, like a Phoenix, from the ashes.

Yes the moments can be a little awkward.  I have yet to face any ridicule or rejection. 

It's just every little awkward moment affirms me; Kathryn.  I exist, and I will (be able to) live true to myself and free!!!!!

[KateR]

Up here in the cold, thin air I finally can breathe
I know I left a life behind, but I'm too relieved to grieve

...

Standing frozen in the life I've chosen
You won't find me, the past is so behind me
Buried in the snow


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