Topic: Kathryn's Chronicles

[KateR]

Hmmmmm.  I guess the girls are going to have another growth spurt.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt definite tenderness in my breasts....


OK 2 hours later....

It’s been a while since any bump or rub results in a very intense neurological response.....

Padded bras for me!

Scary thing (sorta) It was just a couple of months ago I replaced my original bras.  Not looking forward to replacing my current bras. (Well, yes I’m good with it!). It’s just those dang things are expensive.  :-/

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[KateR]

Today. Celebrating another male fail! 


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[Faith]

YAY!  .. where's my thumbs up emoji? I can't find it

[KateR]

Been quite a day...

Had to go to a local hospital for a diagnostic test.  I definitely confused them?  After I signed in for the outpatient admissions they struggled to find me.  They had a AMAB legal name but a gender neutral / Woman in the waiting area.

It made for several apologies.

This evening I got into a text message conversation with my youngest daughter. 

If your not keeping up, the stock markets are about 10% down since Wednesday.  It's not that big of a deal but those assets are paying  the medical expenses of my transition!!!!

We got into a conversation about the importance of risk management - which led to a conversation about my transition coach dropping me because insurance issues (failure to manage risk when she expanded her practice) - which lead finally coming out to the first of our 3 girls as trans.

She said she was totally OK with it (me dealing with my gender dysphoria).  She recounted the multiple different lifestyles that exist in our family and thanked me for finally being honest.

I then mentioned that her daughter, our granddaughter, might be the first person to figure out something was up with me.  She was going to make sure they talked.

Short story - experienced male fail and come out to one of our 3 daughters on the same day.

Love the male fail and am now out and honest with 2 of the 4 most important people in my life.

Crazy - but a freeing / good day.
Kate


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[Northern Star Girl]

@jkredman
Dear Kate:
In spite of the stock market, I found your update a good positive posting with most everything else that you reported.

TODAY is a NEW DAY....
... and it is your Birthday today.... 

Wishing you a very, very  H A P P Y  B I R T H D A Y
                                              

So, what are you plans for your special day?  party with family and friends?   dinner out?  Whatever your plans, I hope that CAKE and Candles are involved.

Thanks for posting and keeping your thread up to date.
HUGS and best wishes as always,
Danielle

[KateR]

@jkredman
Dear Kate:
In spite of the stock market, I found your update a good positive posting with most everything else that you reported.

TODAY is a NEW DAY....
... and it is your Birthday today.... 

Wishing you a very, very  H A P P Y  B I R T H D A Y
                                              

So, what are you plans for your special day?  party with family and friends?   dinner out?  Whatever your plans, I hope that CAKE and Candles are involved.

Thanks for posting and keeping your thread up to date.
HUGS and best wishes as always,
Danielle

Danielle

Thanks for your birthday wish.  I did in fact get everything I wanted.  From my spouse, the most important person in my life, I got a card, a Kiss and a big Hershey bar, (And we had a  very nice evening out!)

Thank you for your support
Kate


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[KateR]

Met a new therapist today....

Well I lost the therapist I truly loved working with because her business office couldn’t figure out how to file insurance claims correctly.

(Gonna vent a moment.)

My therapist was frustrated with the write offs she was being asked to take. She has every reason to be....  She also wanted her cake, and to eat it too, as she decided she wanted to be In-Network for those she supervises and private pay for her clients.

When I dug into it with my insurance, it became apparent that entire sessions were being written off, with the request for an explanation.  (It’s 115 mile round trip from home to the therapist’s office so we often met for 2 hours.) All insurance was asking for was an explanation - which is an appeal process.  The billing person couldn’t seem to figure out the difference between an appeal and filing a duplicate claim. 

I’m paying $21000 in premiums for insurance, this year, and have got to get some of that back.

Any way, in frustration, she dropped us because I wouldn’t go Private Pay and agree to not submit bills to insurance afterwards.

(End of Venting)

So we had our first session with a new therapist today.  It’s a 370 mile round trip, but this therapist will do skype or zoom after the first couple of sessions.  This therapist also has a more resources available.  I’m cautiously optimistic.

The point of this post is to simply acknowledge the conflict within me.  I’m MTF trans.  I know it.  3 different therapists have now documented it as their diagnosis.

Yet the session for me was a hard session.

 I’ve spent a lifetime selling my soul for my spouse and children.  My spouse and 1 of my 3 daughter’s know.  The other 2 daughters will be told soon enough. 

It’s just that I can’t shake this guilt.


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[KateR]

Arachnophobia can be a good thing!

My wife found a spider in our bedroom closet the other day.   She thought it was time I did some thinning of clothing.

I think you can guess what got purged!!!!

20 button down shirts, 12 dress pants, golf shirts, jackets, sweatshirts, all male and collected over the last  10 to 15 years of my career.

Today she came back to me thinking more could be done.

Next is the suits, dress shoes and other male   clothing and accessories.

What's gonna be left; Gloria Vanderbilt jeans, Hillary Ridley pants, blouses, flats, pumps, wedges, and the little black dress I bought last week.

A little arachnophobia can be a good thing


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[Maddie]

Arachnophobia can be a good thing!

My wife found a spider in our bedroom closet the other day.   She thought it was time I did some thinning of clothing.

I think you can guess what got purged!!!!

20 button down shirts, 12 dress pants, golf shirts, jackets, sweatshirts, all male and collected over the last  10 to 15 years of my career.

Today she came back to me thinking more could be done.

Next is the suits, dress shoes and other male   clothing and accessories.

What's gonna be left; Gloria Vanderbilt jeans, Hillary Ridley pants, blouses, flats, pumps, wedges, and the little black dress I bought last week.

A little arachnophobia can be a good thing


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Thank you, little miss spider
I think you made great choices to thin your closet Kathryn

[KateR]

It's been a real tough week.  My new counselor has asked a woman to be a mentor to me.  We met last Tuesday.   It was a very good conversation but she drove home some issues I'm trying to gloss over.   Let's just say it's been an emotional week and I've gone OCD about my transition.


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[Maddie]

It's been a real tough week.  My new counselor has asked a woman to be a mentor to me.  We met last Tuesday.   It was a very good conversation but she drove home some issues I'm trying to gloss over.   Let's just say it's been an emotional week and I've gone OCD about my transition.


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What is this woman mentoring you about?
Feminine presentation? Her personal feminine philosophy?
Not trying to dig too deep, but wondering what she said to send you into an emotional OCD week

[KateR]

What is this woman mentoring you about?
Feminine presentation? Her personal feminine philosophy?
Not trying to dig too deep, but wondering what she said to send you into an emotional OCD week

Maddie:

You’re not digging too deep.  Just prepare yourself for a very long response.  ;-)

The mentoring is about my total transition.  Also, truthfully, I wasn’t just my mentor, it was also my counselor and my wife.

The conversation with my mentor was basically a frank conversation about her transition and especially brutal about loss and rejection.  “There will be loss!!!”  I know it / knew it but, honestly, it hadn’t hit home. 

When I first came out to my wife it was a real tough three months and I was waiting to be asked to leave.  But it didn’t happen.  She is trying to walk this journey with me.

What did happen a couple of weeks ago was an accidental outing to some friends.  I would have ultimately come out to them but not yet and not the way it happened.  They’re currently shunning all contact with us.

What hurts is not the loss of the friendship from him, but my wife’s  loss of her friend.

Which brings me to the second item.  My counselor had me read “She’s Not There: A Life in Two Genders” by Jennifer Finney Boylan.  It’s been a hard read.

Jenny’s story is so much my story.  It’s spooky.  Jenny’s wife, Grace (Deirdre in real life), is supportive.  But every victory for Jenny - is a loss for Grace.  It’s given me a guilt complex.  Additionally, Grace observes Jenny “boarded a run-away freight train!”  I realized I’ve boarded my own run-away freight train, one that I can’t stop, or get off of. 

I don’t want off that train nor do I want to stop it. 

2019 is the first year in my life I don’t have a shadow hanging over my head.  It’s the first year of my life I’m not conflicted.  While my life has be mostly happy, and very successful; I’m living a new greater and brighter happiness.

Yet, I don’t want my wife to feel loss for every victory I achieve on this journey.

Finally, I hadn’t given it a whole lot of thought, but I’m basically transitioning in place.  My wife broached the subject of selling our home and moving.

We currently live in no where Oklahoma.  There are not really any resources here for us.  I/We routinely drive almost 4 hours to Kansas City.  She thinks we would be better off moving back to Kansas City.

We live on a lake; a result of 25 years of effort.  I guess I was hoping to not have to make this decision so soon. 

I called myself OCD because this has been at the forefront of my mind to the extent that I’ve let the book keeping for our business slide a bit.  We are still very much doing our business, I’m just going to have to catch up the records.
 

What I need to do for my health results in the woman I love so dearly; paying her own very, very high price.


On a positive note, she recognized my intense feelings of guilt, and broached the subject with me Saturday Morning.

It’s something that I’m going to have to reconcile with myself.
Kate


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[Maddie]

Thank you for the in depth response.
I wish you well with everything happening now and coming up for you and your wife.  You wouldn't have posted it if it wasn't hard and a really big deal for you.

Just a thought about Jennifer Finney Boylan's book:  My impression from reading it was that, overall, she is a winner in life, with a general positive outlook, and one of the lucky ones.  Just compare her supported experience with SRS/GCS to that of her trans roommate going through it at the same time for example.  Is that you? If your life is really like hers, than you should have hope and blessings.

[KateR]

I need to refocus myself from fear to hope!!!!


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[KateR]

Stepping out a little further the last couple of days.

Yesterday I ran from nowhere OK to Kansas City & back - full en femme; hair, jewelry, padded bra, blouse, jeans (because I tore my right leg up trimming my yard about a month ago - otherwise it would have been a skirt), black purse, and black sandals.  It was the longest trip I had made totally en femme and it went flawlessly.

Before I left the house, I stopped and looked in the mirror.  For the first time, I didn’t see myself.  I saw my sister.  I saw a woman.  Still freaky, but progress!!!!!

I realize a couple of prior posts have had a negative tone - and my counselor got me doing deep thinking again today - ugh...  She simply is trying to ground me.



I had my first Electrolysis/Laser treatment today.  It wasn’t that bad; although I’m starting to feel like I’ve got a nasty sunburn.

However, even with the sunburned face, I feel great this evening.

I’ve taken another step. 

Yes, I’ve been thinking hard about issues I need to resolve.  But all in all, I’m closer to living the woman I am.  That’s all I want.

Progress!!!!!

Kate


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[Maddie]

Are you doing both electrolysis and laser at the same time?

[KateR]

Sort of.

I have a treatment every 2 weeks.  On week 0 (first treatment of a cycle)  is laser. Then at 2 weeks later and at 4 weeks later is electrolysis.  At 6 weeks we do laser again and repeat the cycle.

I’m not completely grey. The laser gets my darker hairs  and the electrolysis gets the grey.  Between the two the process should be quicker and require fewer treatments
.
Kate


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[KateR]

I’ve been clocked!!!!!

OK I’m retired from IBM, much of the last 10 years of my career were about ‘Analytics’ and customer segmentation down to the individual customer....

Well I’ve subscribed to the Wall Street Journal for decades.  Every month they publish the WSJ Magazine.  Got the new one yesterday and at was very quickly obvious I’ve been outed as a woman.

For the first time ever all the adds were targeted at women; perfume, fashion, & accessories.  All the articles in my magazine would be of interest to a woman.

Logging on to the website, I can see there were articles that were published in this month’s issue that would be of interest to men.


My shopping patterns of the last year have outed me!!!!

Not complaining, and not really surprised.


I guess I should be wondering why it took them so long to figure it out.  Oh well.


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[Dena]

If you're on Faceplant, that's what did it From day one they plant a cookie in your computer and every time you visit a "Partner" web site, your browsing history is recorded and distributed among the other partners for a fee. I didn't even agree to having a cookie in my computer but as a moderator I bumped up against a long to the mother of all evil and they cookied me anyway. If I can't see it on Facebook without a login, it isn't worth seeing.

[KateR]

Actually I guess was outed back in June on Amazon.com!   I just never look at those ads (until I’m doing a mass email delete.)

So in response, I just edited my profile.

I’m now Kathryn as the primary account holder vs. a ship to address......

I’ve been changing my online persona for the last couple of months now.  I’m getting that much closer to a full coming out and full time life in truth!




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