Author Topic: Kathryn's Chronicles  (Read 12672 times)

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Offline KateR

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Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #80 on: August 31, 2019, 11:29:00 am »
Well I’m out to 2 of my 3 daughters.

They’re totally fine with it and just want me to be happy.

I’m leaving it to them on what they will tell their families or what they want me to tell their family

My oldest daughter and I are already somewhat estranged for other reasons.  I don’t know when I’ll see her again, or if her sisters will say anything to her.

But at least I’m at 2 down and 1 to go.

Kate


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Offline ChrissyRyan

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #81 on: August 31, 2019, 11:35:18 am »
Well I’m out to 2 of my 3 daughters.

They’re totally fine with it and just want me to be happy.

I’m leaving it to them on what they will tell their families or what they want me to tell their family

My oldest daughter and I are already somewhat estranged for other reasons.  I don’t know when I’ll see her again, or if her sisters will say anything to her.

But at least I’m at 2 down and 1 to go.

Kate


That sounds upbeat Kate.   :)

Chrissy

Be a good example of good behavior.  Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that your speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.  Serve others.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Offline Maddie

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #82 on: September 03, 2019, 07:14:28 am »
Congratulations on 2 out of 3 Kate.
Glad they are totally ok with it

Offline KateR

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #83 on: September 08, 2019, 12:57:11 am »
Sometimes Saturday nights just suck.  This night is one of them.

My counselor has had me read several different memoirs from trans women; Kristen Beck, Janet Mock, Jenny Boylan.

Intertwined in those stories are tales of extreme pain.  Pain that I totally identify with.  Yes there are many, many, women who have deeply suffered.

As was commented in an email conversation,  the memoirs didn’t help because “well, what the hell, this does me no good, because I still don’t have the courage to move forward.”

I’ve thought about this a lot.

We transition when the pain of doing nothing exceeds the expected pain of transition.   It’s not a courage thing or a motivation thing.  It’s being out of less onerous choices.  Courage is choosing to live vs. some type of exit.

I guess I’d like more of the memoirs to discuss life later in, or after, transition.  Believe me, I'm all too familiar with the pain.  I want more of successful and happy lives after transition.  That's where my hope is.


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Offline Lexxi

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #84 on: September 08, 2019, 02:20:21 am »
Hi Kathryn,

It must be something in the air tonight...because I haven't been feeling that wonderful about life tonight either. I'm just kind of in a blechhh mood. I've been thinking about how things used to be back 25 or 30 years ago. Like I've REALLY been wanting to go back to my old childhood fishing/camping spot on this beautiful river...but all the area around it is private property now and the owners won't give anyone access to the property anymore.

I've even thought about going down the river to a public access spot, and walking back up the river. Here in my state no one owns the waterways, so as long as you stay in the water, you're not trespassing and are allowed to go pretty much anywhere you want to go. That's the only way I'd be able to access the property I want to go to. But it would make it kinda <poor> having to stay in that super cold water the whole time (it's feed by a natural spring. It's very cold water and if you swim in it too long your lips will turn blue). I think it would kill the mystique of it.

There's no way I'd be able to read what your therapist wants you to read. It would bum me out too much. I try my best to stay away from sad things, because they bring me down. I try to stick with fun or funny subjects. I hope you're able to turn the happiness level of your weekend around, and have a better day tomorrow.

xoxo
Lexxi
Finally started the process of becoming the real me! 5/20/19
Came out online 5/20/19
First time coming out face to face 6/3/19
First therapist appointment for HRT 6/3/19
Got my letter for HRT 6/10/19
Came out to my mom 6/18/19
Started HRT 7/12/19

Offline Quinn

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #85 on: September 08, 2019, 08:09:19 am »
Kate,

For me i knew i was trans from an very early age, i had my bout of being suicidal when i went thru puberty the first time.
Now at 53, i started my transition at 50, HRT at 51.
 I had decided that because i had been unhappy for my life and the gender role i had to play that i did not want to go to the end being unhappy. I was already unhappy and tried the male role it didn't work. I wanted to be happy and be me in the female i knew i always was.
I was not suicidal or the at the last resort i was just very unhappy and knew it was not going to get better so i decided to go ahead and transition.
There are many people that transition out of choice not  because they have hit rock bottom.

I think that most focus on all the negatives and not enough about the positives

The reason to transition is to be your true self and that in itself is positive. I personally am finally able to leave my house as myself and feel comfortable, i can go in any store try on women's clothes and use the dressing rooms without  fear. use women's restrooms be treated as a women.

When i interact with people now im treated as my true gender and its comforting even if i get mansplained because that is what should have been happening my whole life.

I no longer have to suffer with envy and jealousy i always felt toward other women that were living their life, the appearance, how they were able to express themselves thru fashion, being able to and allowed to show full emotions from empathy and caring to anger in public. As man i was trained to show only anger or nothing that is now gone i can fully express myself in all aspects of my life.

It is hard to explain how incredible it is to be able to truly express yourself without any fear.

Transitioning you do have to deal with some fear and overcome it but each step you take and complete that pile of fear that has been pent up for years will get a little smaller and smaller with each step you take. Every time you complete a small step when the fear leaves that space will be filled with happiness and positivity. Right now the scale is heavy on negative and fear side but as you progress it will soon enough be tipped to the Happy and content side and you will never go back

Transition is not about pain its about allowing yourself to release that pain you have and feel happy an joy that is there for your taking as true self as you progress

I personally like to think of transition as going from being unhappy and lifeless To Happy, content and joyous in life that i get to live

Offline KateR

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #86 on: September 12, 2019, 02:14:34 pm »
My wife just told me that she outed me to 2 of her sisters.  The response appears to be OK.  The question came back “You mean he was born a girl?” To which my wife answered yes.

This is cool for me on two points; 1) it means she’s not going to be put in a conflict between us and her family, and 2) it gives me more confidence that we’re going to stay together.

Cool news!

Kate


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Offline mm

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #87 on: September 12, 2019, 02:17:48 pm »
nice to hear jkredman, you can be more relaxed around them.  It is a good sign your wife is starting to accept you, give her time.

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #88 on: September 12, 2019, 02:21:58 pm »
My wife just told me that she outed me to 2 of her sisters.  The response appears to be OK.  The question came back “You mean he was born a girl?” To which my wife answered yes.

This is cool for me on two points; 1) it means she’s not going to be put in a conflict between us and her family, and 2) it gives me more confidence that we’re going to stay together.

Cool news!

Kate

@jkredman
Dear Kate:
Wow that is great, but unexpected good news in how her sisters took the news regarding you....
... I love what they stated after your wife broke the news to them...
"Do you mean he was born a girl?"
... and I liked your wife's reply "YES"

Congratulation to you, things could not have worked out better for you.

Thank you for sharing your good report.
HUGS and best wishes,
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
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Started HRT:   March 2015
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Offline Maddie

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #89 on: September 13, 2019, 08:29:02 am »
That is wonderfully coool news to share Kate!

Offline TonyaW

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #90 on: September 13, 2019, 11:33:39 am »
Just read a bunch of your thread here.  Lots of good stuff happening for you  lately.

Your mention of Jenny Boylan's book caught my eye. I read if at the start of my transition and noted a lot of similarities to me also. I was wondering if your wife read it also and if she got anything out if it.
Jenny wrote a follow up book about parenting as a trans woman. I've not read it but it should have some follow up on her relationship as she is still married.

Another memoir you might like is "Yes, you are trans enough" by Mia Violet.
She is much younger, British, and aware she was trans at a much younger age ampng other different circumstances, but I still found a lot that I related to as far as thoughts and feelings for lack of better wag to describe it.

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Offline KateR

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #91 on: September 16, 2019, 12:01:49 am »
Just read a bunch of your thread here.  Lots of good stuff happening for you  lately.

Your mention of Jenny Boylan's book caught my eye. I read if at the start of my transition and noted a lot of similarities to me also. I was wondering if your wife read it also and if she got anything out if it.
Jenny wrote a follow up book about parenting as a trans woman. I've not read it but it should have some follow up on her relationship as she is still married.

Another memoir you might like is "Yes, you are trans enough" by Mia Violet.
She is much younger, British, and aware she was trans at a much younger age ampng other different circumstances, but I still found a lot that I related to as far as thoughts and feelings for lack of better wag to describe it.

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Hi Tonya

Thanks for the suggestion of Mia Violet.

She, my wife, has quite a reading list that has been suggested to her by our therapist.  Not only are all three of Jenny’s books on the list, but Amanda Knox’s Love Lives Here and Janet Mock’s Redefining Realness.  (They’re all in our shared Kindle / Audible library now.)


Changing the subject: You have to give Jenny a whole lot of credit.  She out there advocating for acceptance of what we live.  I’m still very much in the middle of my journey; finally finding the courage to go public as Kathryn ‘Kate’ Jannell.

(I held up responding for a few days because I needed to think.  These comments are going to go in a weird direction.  However, this is where my heart is leading me.)

Jenny’s story, and this is NOT to degrade her, is a story of white privilege and decent financial resources.  Jenny’s story is very, very much my story.  I get it.

Janet’s story, and this is NOT to degrade her, is a story of a racial minority who sold her body to be able to live authentically.  Janet’s story is not so much my story. 

Yet, in my Midwest US Trans community, I’ve met, and KNOW, women in each situation.  It brings me to tears.

I don’t feel that I yet blend well.  Right now, I’m very much in boy/girl mode deciding each morning how I will present based on who I expect to be dealing with.

At some point, hopefully very soon, I’ll be confident freeing Kate in all situations.  I hope that I can then advocate (like some other women in my/our community) for all women, especially those of limited resources who face other reasons for discrimination besides accepting they are trans.


Final note on your reference to Mia and her awareness of being Trans at a much younger age.  (Again, just my heart rambling...)

I’ve known I was Trans since my earliest memories around age 3. 

At age 3, I couldn’t enunciate the feelings.  I didn’t understand them, and when I commented to my mother, she discounted me.  I was a teenager when I became fascinated by the story of Renee Richards and for the first time understood that there were others like me, and they could do, and did, something about those feelings.  However, I tried to live the normal heterosexual male expected by our society.  I had my multiple coping mechanisms.

One by one, each of those mechanisms failed and were thrown aside until I had no other survivable option.

My point:  I think all of us feel something isn’t right at a very early age.  Unfortunately, our abilities to comprehend what we are feeling, and whether or not we live in a supportive environment greatly influences our decisions on transitioning.  The smarter ones among us transition earlier in their lives.

Sorry, but I warned this post was going to go in a weird direction.

Luv ya sister
Kate


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Offline TonyaW

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #92 on: September 17, 2019, 07:50:42 am »
Hey Kate

Jenny Boylan's story is definitely closer to mine than any other I've read. She transitioned at a much earlier age but is only a few years older than I am.

I've been thinking of getting Amanda Knox also, I follow her on Twitter so I'm familiar with the book and basic story.

I can remember wanting to be a girl as far back as 5 years old at least. I also liked doing the stereotypical boy things, (sports and so on) which I think is at least part of the reason I didn't realize that I was trans for a long time. I was in my mid teens when Rene Richards story first got big and I  secretly followed it. I was aware of Christine Jorgensen also, but not sure why or how.  Back in my early teens when playing professional sports was still a possibility (in my mind anyway ,not in reality) a friend once said "if we dont make it in sports, we should do X" and I clearly remember thinking "if I don't make it in sports I'm having a sex change". So I was aware of it but some how convinced my self that I didn't need that, I wasn't like that really or whatever.  And now I'm rambling on. 

You mentioned a lot of positive recent happenings. Hope you can build on those and soon get to be comfortable as Kate everywhere.

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Offline KateR

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Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #93 on: September 26, 2019, 02:52:51 pm »
It’s been an intense 36 hours.

On the plus side:

I’ve started searching out, with the help of my Therapist, and Endo, some suggestions of surgeons for, initially FFS, and eventually GCS.  I’m so excited!!!!!  One year on HRT comes up 12/2.  I have a definite bust line.  It’s time to start working on the next steps.



On the weird side, I finally have a plausible answer to why I’m the way I am.

It turns out I’m medically intersexed.  My parents thought they were doing what was right for me back in 1960 / 1961,  when I was surgically fixed to be anatomically(?) male.  (Long story & cloudy family history because it wasn’t something that was discussed in polite company; and they’ve long since passed on.... :-})

Anatomically, may be; emotionally not!!!

The last set of lab work, including a karyotyping (which had never been done before) says mosaic XXY.



On the negative side:

This doesn’t; change anything, other than helps me understand that society is wrong. 

I’m dealing, and have always struggled, with a concrete medical condition.  (Maybe it strengthens the case with the insurance company for my medical necessity.) This isn’t something I made up.

As I read what I’m writing, I guess I’m a bit frustrated, or angry, about all the years I was told it was all in my head.  Also frustrated about all the time I find myself spending justifying myself.   (UGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!)

Well I guess they were right.  It was all in my head!!!!!  My brain & heart, are chromsomeally female.  It’s just my body developed differently.  (Choose your favorite obscenity - well at least that was my first thought!!!!)



Further on the plus side, I’m now officially a D cup.  (Don’t get jealous, I was a tad over an A cup from gynecomastia when I started HRT.) 

I will change my hairstyle over from androgoneous next Wednesday to female.  Doing a full color and a new cut, (French Cut!)

Each little step is progress and leaves me feeling great about myself.   

Kate


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Offline mm

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #94 on: September 27, 2019, 02:28:15 pm »
jkredman, sounds like you are figuring out who you are and making progress. A good therapist can really help you through all the things you have going and will have.  Hormones seems to have work nicely for you getting to a D cup in a year.  Good luck to you and hope to see you here often.

Offline Maddie

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #95 on: September 27, 2019, 08:53:56 pm »
Kate, that is truly a major thing to find out. Hope you're doing okay.

I'm excited for your progress and changes coming ahead for you.

Offline KateR

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #96 on: October 08, 2019, 12:20:12 am »
OK it was weird.

The girls, Lillie & Rachel have gotten very sensitive again.  Rachel has been a particular pain today.  Sooooooo...

This evening I start lightly massaging Rachel to try and ease the discomfort, and....

I get aroused.

It was something I’d felt before (a long, long, time ago; in a land far, far, away) yet it was totally different.  This time, my whole body felt it.

Let’s just say if this is what I can expect to enjoy, I’m all in for my future.......




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Offline Maddie

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #97 on: October 08, 2019, 08:22:50 am »
Giggle

"All in for your future"...sounds like love for life :)

Enjoy

Offline KateR

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #98 on: October 13, 2019, 12:34:32 am »
Well it was another interesting week on the road to letting Kate live free.

I had to ask my therapist for an additional session as I realized that my dysphoria, which I started feeling again about a month ago, wasn’t going away unless we talked about it.   I know it ebbs & flows and will continue to do so until I feel in my heart my transition is truly complete.  I know some of it is impatience on my part.

One year on HRT comes up on December 2nd, basically 1 1/2 months away.  So now I’ve started thinking about needed surgeries, and checking into surgeons.

I reached out to my insurance company and first obtained a list of ‘in-network’ surgeons. 

Apparently, that, and my claim history flagged me to them.  I received a call late last week, and we talked at length this past Tuesday, and I have been assigned a nurse case manager to assist with the process.  Yes they pretty much figured out what was coming.

So I also know have a list of procedure codes that are covered, a list of what the consider cosmetic.   To my surprise FFS has some coverage.

So yes I’m making progress, but Kate’s heart wants (needs?) it to happen faster.

Yup, another interesting week to be chronicled by Kathryn....


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Offline KateR

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #99 on: October 13, 2019, 12:51:47 am »
Well it was another interesting week on the road to letting Kate live free.

I had to ask my therapist for an additional session as I realized that my dysphoria, which I started feeling again about a month ago, wasn’t going away unless we talked about it.   I know it ebbs & flows and will continue to do so until I feel in my heart my transition is truly complete.  I know some of it is impatience on my part.

One year on HRT comes up on December 2nd, basically 1 1/2 months away.  So now I’ve started thinking about needed surgeries, and checking into surgeons.

I reached out to my insurance company and first obtained a list of ‘in-network’ surgeons. 

Apparently, that, and my claim history flagged me to them.  I received a call late last week, and we talked at length this past Tuesday, and I have been assigned a nurse case manager to assist with the process.  Yes they pretty much figured out what was coming.

So I also know have a list of procedure codes that are covered, a list of what the consider cosmetic.   To my surprise FFS has some coverage.

So yes I’m making progress, but Kate’s heart wants (needs?) it to happen faster.

Yup, another interesting week to be chronicled by Kathryn....


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Kate

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