Warning! Waxing Philosophical this February Saturday.
This coming week marks the 18 month point where I formally started my transition. At least it’s been 18 months since I came clean / out to my wife. (Truth be told, I’ve been transitioning my entire life.)
I’ve been think about the last year and one half. At times I’m impatient and want it to be done - now. It was in one of those moments where my therapist/coach challenged me to write out a list of what I have accomplished. Guess what, there’s a page full of things.
Then I started thinking about some of the threads here on Susan’s Place. I remembered the thread where we shared our thoughts on ‘If there was a pill that took your dysphoria away, would you take it.’ I remember the overwhelming majority of us said we would not take it. That got me remembering a movie quote from about 40 years ago.
“You know that pain and guilt can't be taken away with a wave of a magic wand. They're the things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are. If we lose them, we lose ourselves. I don't want my pain taken away. I need my pain.”
I needed my life as a man, even though I hated it.
Then I remembered another thread. It was a thread about how we see ourselves - what we call ourselves. I remember chiming in that I see myself as trans gender. Because I’m male to female, I’m classified as a trans woman. Because I’m actively pursuing a medical transition, in addition to a social transition, I’m called a transsexual.
I don’t remember if I added this, but I truly see myself as ‘just’ a woman.
I finally started wondering; ‘if there was a pill that instantly transformed me into a woman, would I take it?’
I don’t have a good answer to this.
Because I waited so long, and feel my time is getting shorter, I think yes. But then I think how I’ve grown this last 18 months; how relationships are more fulfilling because there’s no secret; and how I’ve truly experienced fear, sadness, joy, ecstasy - I think not. I think I would do exactly what I’m doing.
Hopefully, this 18 month point also marks my halfway point. Hopefully, 18 months from now, I will have had my surgeries and fully recovered. Hopefully, 18 months from now, all the legal junk will have been completed. Hopefully, 18 months from now, I’m not a trans anything - just another woman - like any other.
Remember, I warned you!
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