Author Topic: Kathryn's Chronicles  (Read 12660 times)

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Offline KateR

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Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #120 on: January 19, 2020, 08:34:18 am »
My wife & I went to see the new Cirque Du Soleil show, Axel, Friday evening.  We stayed overnight in a hotel because it’s a 90 minute drive from our home to Tulsa, OK.

Earlier in the day, I finally sat down and watched the documentary Trans.  It features Dr. Christine McGinn.

At the end there is a scene of Dr. McGinn breastfeeding one of her newborn twins that she fathered  with her partner via IVF using sperm she had frozen before her transition.

During the drive home Saturday Morning, I felt sadness knowing that I will never be able to give birth or never have the need to breastfeed.

Don’t get me wrong.  There wasn’t any prolonged thought or self pity.  It was just the understanding, like many cis-women also have, that it’s a part of life I’ll never experience.


So thinking about it this morning, in a way it’s a confirmation that I’m on the right path; that I’m doing the right thing for myself.   Would a man ever feel sadness about not being able to carry a child, give birth, and nurse?  I could be wrong, but I think not.

Kate


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Offline Maddie

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #121 on: January 23, 2020, 08:21:54 pm »
I hear that.

Offline KateR

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Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #122 on: February 08, 2020, 03:29:22 pm »
Warning!  Waxing Philosophical this February Saturday.

This coming week marks the 18 month point where I formally started my transition.  At least it’s been 18 months since I came clean / out to my wife. (Truth be told, I’ve been transitioning my entire life.)

I’ve been think about the last year and one half.  At times I’m impatient and want it to be done - now.  It was in one of those moments where my therapist/coach challenged me to write out a list of what I have accomplished. Guess what, there’s a page full of things.

Then I started thinking about some of the threads here on Susan’s Place.  I remembered the thread where we shared our thoughts on ‘If there was a pill that took your dysphoria away, would you take it.’  I remember the overwhelming majority of us said we would not take it.  That got me remembering a movie quote from about 40 years ago.

“You know that pain and guilt can't be taken away with a wave of a magic wand. They're the things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are. If we lose them, we lose ourselves. I don't want my pain taken away. I need my pain.”

I needed my life as a man, even though I hated it.

Then I remembered another thread.  It was a thread about how we see ourselves - what we call ourselves.  I remember chiming in that I see myself as trans gender.  Because I’m male to female, I’m classified as a trans woman.  Because I’m actively pursuing a medical transition, in addition to a social transition, I’m called a transsexual. 

I don’t remember if I added this, but I truly see myself as ‘just’ a woman.

I finally started wondering; ‘if there was a pill that instantly transformed me into a woman, would I take it?’

I don’t have a good answer to this.

Because I waited so long, and feel my time is getting shorter, I think yes.  But then I think how I’ve grown this last 18 months; how relationships are more fulfilling because there’s no secret; and how I’ve truly experienced fear, sadness, joy, ecstasy - I think not.  I think I would do exactly what I’m doing.

Hopefully, this 18 month point also marks my halfway point.  Hopefully, 18 months from now, I will have had my surgeries and fully recovered.  Hopefully, 18 months from now, all the legal junk will have been completed.  Hopefully, 18 months from now, I’m not a trans anything - just another woman - like any other.

Remember, I warned you!





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Offline Pammie

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Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #123 on: February 08, 2020, 04:16:59 pm »
Warning!  Waxing Philosophical this February Saturday.

This coming week marks the 18 month point where I formally started my transition.  At least it’s been 18 months since I came clean / out to my wife. (Truth be told, I’ve been transitioning my entire life.)

I’ve been think about the last year and one half.  At times I’m impatient and want it to be done - now.  It was in one of those moments where my therapist/coach challenged me to write out a list of what I have accomplished. Guess what, there’s a page full of things.

Then I started thinking about some of the threads here on Susan’s Place.  I remembered the thread where we shared our thoughts on ‘If there was a pill that took your dysphoria away, would you take it.’  I remember the overwhelming majority of us said we would not take it.  That got me remembering a movie quote from about 40 years ago.

“You know that pain and guilt can't be taken away with a wave of a magic wand. They're the things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are. If we lose them, we lose ourselves. I don't want my pain taken away. I need my pain.”

I needed my life as a man, even though I hated it.

Then I remembered another thread.  It was a thread about how we see ourselves - what we call ourselves.  I remember chiming in that I see myself as trans gender.  Because I’m male to female, I’m classified as a trans woman.  Because I’m actively pursuing a medical transition, in addition to a social transition, I’m called a transsexual. 

I don’t remember if I added this, but I truly see myself as ‘just’ a woman.

I finally started wondering; ‘if there was a pill that instantly transformed me into a woman, would I take it?’

I don’t have a good answer to this.

Because I waited so long, and feel my time is getting shorter, I think yes.  But then I think how I’ve grown this last 18 months; how relationships are more fulfilling because there’s no secret; and how I’ve truly experienced fear, sadness, joy, ecstasy - I think not.  I think I would do exactly what I’m doing.

Hopefully, this 18 month point also marks my halfway point.  Hopefully, 18 months from now, I will have had my surgeries and fully recovered.  Hopefully, 18 months from now, all the legal junk will have been completed.  Hopefully, 18 months from now, I’m not a trans anything - just another woman - like any other.

Remember, I warned you!





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I had my second initial appointment at Leeds GIS this week (having waited 26 months for the first) and was told the next step is to talk to a doctor who will be another psychologist or psychotherapist  - and the waiting list for that is 16 - 18 months after which there will be a few more appointments before (hopefully) I get into the surgery waiting list (another 20 months or so). In total that will be about 64 months from referral to surgery. Brutal!
If there was a pill to move to being the woman I should always have been I’d have taken it in an instant!

I opened the door and the light shone in

Offline KateR

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #124 on: February 08, 2020, 06:55:49 pm »
Pammie

I feel so bad for you.

I hope and pray that your wait shortens up a bunch!

Kate


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Offline KateR

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #125 on: February 09, 2020, 02:41:45 pm »
Plumbers & Plumbing

Why is it plumbers will cement in a replaceable air inlet valve forcing you to cut the old one out and leave a condensate drain uncemented so that it eventual comes apart and leaks until one morning you wake up and realize you have a hole in your ceiling?

Oh wait, I’ve been on Estradiol for over 14 months now.  I’m not allowed to ask questions like this anymore.....


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Offline davina61

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #126 on: February 09, 2020, 02:48:15 pm »
It was on the Monday morning the gas man came to call, Flanders and Swan , search for it as its so true.
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever

Offline Pammie

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #127 on: February 09, 2020, 03:19:30 pm »
Pammie

I feel so bad for you.

I hope and pray that your wait shortens up a bunch!

Kate


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Thanks! Sadly, chances are small of any shortening of timings, danger of it moving in the other direction! Still, i’m lucky, happy (as happy as possible given my daughter’s death last year anyway) and my dysphoria is under control so I have nothing to complain about


I opened the door and the light shone in

Offline KateR

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #128 on: February 11, 2020, 06:41:38 pm »
I got my second surgery letter today!  Yay!!!!


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Offline madeleine

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #129 on: February 11, 2020, 06:54:51 pm »
Plumbers & Plumbing

Why is it plumbers will cement in a replaceable air inlet valve forcing you to cut the old one out and leave a condensate drain uncemented so that it eventual comes apart and leaks until one morning you wake up and realize you have a hole in your ceiling?

Oh wait, I’ve been on Estradiol for over 14 months now.  I’m not allowed to ask questions like this anymore.....


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Hahaha, I love this! 

Also, aren't women allowed to be plumbers?  ;)

Offline Maddie

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #130 on: February 11, 2020, 11:37:37 pm »
I got my second surgery letter today!  Yay!!!!
Yay!!!!
 :) :D ;D 8)

Offline KateR

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #131 on: February 12, 2020, 07:19:05 pm »
It had to happen eventually - and today it did.

Heading home from electrolysis I stopped at a convenience store for a bottled drink and a small snack.  I was standing 3rd in line to pay and this 300 pound whatever man just got in line in front of me turned his back to me and never said a word!!!

I knew it would happen eventually, like it has happened to lots of women.

Misogyny is obviously alive and well in southern Missouri!


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Offline KateR

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Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #132 on: February 18, 2020, 11:19:52 pm »
It's been a screwy week!!!!

Tuesday, I FINALLY get my second surgery letter.  Of course that makes my transition all the more real to my wife.  She spends the next 3 days angry, and getting even with me. 

Then Thursday I’m made aware of a (trans) sister that just lost her home the day the temperature dropped to +9 Fahrenheit (Danielle & KathyLauren I get this is nothing like what you face on a daily basis...). The person that called me is at her wits end.  Where do we find this sister a warm bed for the night?  I have the resources to help, but when I go to the kitchen to broach the issue with my wife, she throws me out of the kitchen before I can say anything. (Remember she’s already mad at me....)

We succeeded in getting our sister a warm bed for the night but it brings up the issue that there are a lot of sisters and brothers that have resources that could help those that don’t in an emergency situation (suddenly  homeless in below freezing weather.)

So I broached the subject at support group tonight.   ‘How do we create a local safety net for our Trans brothers and sisters that have fewer resources than we do?’ 

That degenerated into what frustrates me so much about us....

We make up, what, 2(?), 3(?) percent of the human race?  We are the minority of minorities!  If there is a group that needs to stick/work together, it’s us - the trans community.  Yet we turn our backs and argue over ideology, while our less blessed brothers and sisters freeze their a...s off!!!!

I’m trans and I’m blessed!  I’m also very aware of those that are not as privileged as I am.  I’m married (and trying desperately to keep it that way) which means I have to keep a partner working with me, even though she may not see things as I see them.

It’s been a screwy and frustrating week.....


FYI. I had to vent and told my PCP about the issue with my wife at our appointment this morning.  I don’t know why but they (non-binary) became very, very, concerned about my safety.  I assured they that I would walk out of the relationship if I felt abused or threatened.

Again a screwy week....



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Kate

Offline KateR

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Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #133 on: February 21, 2020, 12:40:12 am »
Adding to my screwy week....

My crown (the one in my mouth) came off again....

Don’t know what it is about the adhesive that is used by dentists in the states now, but it doesn’t hold.

Chocolate Chip Cookie, Pasta, or tonight, Fish and the damn thing pops off....

I see the dentist next Monday.


On a positive note - just waiting on Insurance Pre-cert for my Orchi.  As soon as that comes in, my surgery will be scheduled.

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Offline mm

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #134 on: February 21, 2020, 10:17:34 am »
Kate, life has its ups and downs, your crown came off again, but you will get an orchie soon.  I hope you have more ups.

Offline KateR

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #135 on: February 27, 2020, 10:44:27 pm »
Ok my dog is just weird.

We adopted an emaciated Blue Heeler pup in March of 2018, shortly before I was retired by IBM and about 4 months before I finally stopped fighting my transgender identity and began my transition.

Once we got our new dog healthy, he attached himself to my wife and nominated himself her protector.

He wouldn’t let any stranger to him, like the UPS driver, or the mail ‘man’ get too close.  Me, he would be the UPS driver, or mail ‘man’s’ playmate.

Lately he’s changed his tune.   He won’t let the UPS driver get close to me either.   

I guess he’s decided I’m woman enough to need protecting now.




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Offline KateR

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #136 on: February 28, 2020, 04:26:06 pm »
OK I’m just weird.

I’ve been home based for work for years.

Even when I was home I would generally get myself cleaned up and dressed before I went upstairs to my office.

Sometimes, during small team calls, some of the women I worked with would admit to being in pajamas, robes, and slippers during calls.   One teammate once admitted to me she went 3 days without dressing.

Well I guess I’m doing the same thing.  Today I participated in 2 calls before I showered and got dressed.  Been kinda doing it for the last several months....

I think I’m going a little weird.   


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Offline madeleine

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #137 on: February 28, 2020, 05:34:07 pm »
OK I’m just weird.

I’ve been home based for work for years.

Even when I was home I would generally get myself cleaned up and dressed before I went upstairs to my office.

Sometimes, during small team calls, some of the women I worked with would admit to being in pajamas, robes, and slippers during calls.   One teammate once admitted to me she went 3 days without dressing.

Well I guess I’m doing the same thing.  Today I participated in 2 calls before I showered and got dressed.  Been kinda doing it for the last several months....

I think I’m going a little weird.   


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I don't think it's that weird for people who are telecommuting/WFH.  Careful laptop placement can be helpful ;)

Offline KateR

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #138 on: March 11, 2020, 12:15:08 am »
It was an interesting day today.

Made a day trip up to Kansas CIty.  I didn’t get misgendered once!!!! 

The ultimate compliment came from the Costco store.  I guess it’s time for me to get a new membership card.  The person at the checkout challenged me because the picture on the card is a guy.  I ended up having to show my drivers license to prove I was the member. 

I apparently don’t look much like him anymore.


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Offline KateR

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Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
« Reply #139 on: March 11, 2020, 01:33:52 pm »
Well I have a date for my first surgery.  It’s an orchi and it’s scheduled for April 14, 2020

One more step closer!!!!!


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Kate

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