Author Topic: Choosing a new name/pronouns  (Read 280 times)

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Offline Mx London

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Choosing a new name/pronouns
« on: October 09, 2018, 09:01:23 am »
I'm not openly genderfluid yet though am slowly figuring out what I need to feel comfortable in my skin as I fluctuate between genders. I'm learning makeup (both male and female) but it doesn't feel like enough.

A step id like to take is either:
- getting a new name as I have a very feminine one along with neutral pronouns (though people seem to struggle with they/them grammatically)
OR
-keeping my name but switching to masculine pronoun (even when female I'm OK with male pronouns)

How anybody else found themselves in a similar position? I'd really love to hear other people's experience.


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Offline Devlyn

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Re: Choosing a new name/pronouns
« Reply #1 on: October 09, 2018, 09:13:23 am »
My gender changes, but my female presentation doesn't. My outward cues don't indicate to people that I switched to male, so I don't expect them to gender me that way.

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Offline Mx London

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Re: Choosing a new name/pronouns
« Reply #2 on: October 09, 2018, 09:30:14 am »
My gender changes, but my female presentation doesn't. My outward cues don't indicate to people that I switched to male, so I don't expect them to gender me that way.

Hugs, Devlyn

Thank you for sharing. That's pretty much how I'd been approaching it until recently, but now I am finding female pronouns make me feel uncomfortable when I'm not feeling like a woman.

I have a gender neutral nickname but as it's an animal rather than a people name it can be a struggle to get people using it in the workplace. Mostly I'd just like to never have to think about gender again and present in whatever mix feels good that be done with the whole stupid thing :)


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Offline Devlyn

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Re: Choosing a new name/pronouns
« Reply #3 on: October 09, 2018, 09:35:47 am »
It's unrealistic to expect society to follow along with internal changes. Where would we be if people called
female-appearing people"sir", and male-appearing people "ma'am"?  :)

Offline Mx London

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Re: Choosing a new name/pronouns
« Reply #4 on: October 09, 2018, 09:40:49 am »
I've been trying to use people's names more when talking about them and using gender neutral they/them in conversation- it's surprising tricky not to gender people. It makes me feel quite guilty as I *know* presentation doesn't equal gender but it's so ingrained


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Offline Shambles

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Re: Choosing a new name/pronouns
« Reply #5 on: October 09, 2018, 12:34:29 pm »
My advise would be to find a name that can be taken as both male and female that your comfortable with in both cases and think along the lines on neutral pronouns. Mixing things up when you switch will just confuse people. Even if you do the o switch a roo with him / her and your freinds and family except it do you really want to have the same convo with other ppl u meet in life, for me that would add so many levels of anxitiy it wouldnt be fun.

Try and keep things as simple as possible but in a way that makes you feel comfortable in all situations.

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Pre-HRT Trans-Fem
16th Nov 17 - Came out to myself
7th Jan 18 - Came out to wife
31st Jan 18 - Referred to GIC / might be seen in 2020
Oct 18 - Fully out at one job, part out at another
Nov 18 - Out to close family

Offline RabbitSpectre

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Re: Choosing a new name/pronouns
« Reply #6 on: October 10, 2018, 05:52:25 am »
I'm not openly genderfluid yet though am slowly figuring out what I need to feel comfortable in my skin as I fluctuate between genders. I'm learning makeup (both male and female) but it doesn't feel like enough.

A step id like to take is either:
- getting a new name as I have a very feminine one along with neutral pronouns (though people seem to struggle with they/them grammatically)
OR
-keeping my name but switching to masculine pronoun (even when female I'm OK with male pronouns)

How anybody else found themselves in a similar position? I'd really love to hear other people's experience.

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There's some great advice already here, but I'd just like to add that the name should also be something that FEELS instinctually right to you. You should feel it fits you for all your diversity and who you are. It's a personal thing outside the consideration of others, and it's subjective. Trust your instincts! :)

Offline Mx London

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Re: Choosing a new name/pronouns
« Reply #7 on: October 10, 2018, 12:54:09 pm »
Thank you everyone, I appreciate the feedback. I've been compiling a list of potential new names over the last 6 months, but have only tried using them in my head as a replacement when I hear my birth name said.

It feels like such a big thing to take a new name. It's exciting but makes me really nervous incase l choose the "wrong" one.

Do people generally socially take a new name before doing so legally? I think it makes the most sense to try a new name before committing to it but worry I'll be taken less seriously if I take a new name then change it to something else later


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Offline Shambles

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Re: Choosing a new name/pronouns
« Reply #8 on: October 10, 2018, 05:19:53 pm »
U can try it out in places like twitter or on here. In my work i send alot of emails to customers from a general mail box, it was a good way for me to see how i felt signing off a.mail with a certain name. If it makes you smile then your on the right path.

Dont think theres a wrong answer when it comes.to socal / legal timings unless you changed legally and stuck with old name socially. Do whatever feels best, if u have the opotunity to use new names like a nick name go for it just try and make sure your happy witha name before the hastle of all the legal stuff

Xx
- Jo / Joanna

Pre-HRT Trans-Fem
16th Nov 17 - Came out to myself
7th Jan 18 - Came out to wife
31st Jan 18 - Referred to GIC / might be seen in 2020
Oct 18 - Fully out at one job, part out at another
Nov 18 - Out to close family

Offline Mx London

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Re: Choosing a new name/pronouns
« Reply #9 on: October 11, 2018, 01:14:39 pm »
Has anybody asked their partner for help in picking a new name? It feels like too big a decision to make on my own but feels a little awkward to put that much responsibility on somebody else.

As an aside: my mother has the name she gave me tattooed on her arm. Has anybody had to broach this issue with a loved one?


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Offline Shambles

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Re: Choosing a new name/pronouns
« Reply #10 on: October 11, 2018, 03:02:43 pm »
My wife has male name tattooed on her, nothing you personally can do about it than just say oh well. Its upto them if they want to get it covered up.

As for choosing its goto be down to u but advise from other can help u decide. Can always get someone to call you by another name for a few days at a time and see how it feels to you
- Jo / Joanna

Pre-HRT Trans-Fem
16th Nov 17 - Came out to myself
7th Jan 18 - Came out to wife
31st Jan 18 - Referred to GIC / might be seen in 2020
Oct 18 - Fully out at one job, part out at another
Nov 18 - Out to close family

Offline Cailan Jerika

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Re: Choosing a new name/pronouns
« Reply #11 on: October 11, 2018, 04:10:16 pm »
I'm AFAB bi-gender, I go between male and female only (each lasts 2-5 months, not under my control at all), and occasional transitional times when one is waning and the other is rising, and both are present. I don't claim genderfluid because I don't have any other gender identities in-between my male and female genders.

I made the decision to keep my birth name (slightly altered - but both names are already unisex dependent on spelling and language) and *add* a male name to it. My name will be long, but I gave my daughter three names at birth, so, meh. I'm still deciding what order to organize the names. I have just over a month to make a final decision, along with the spelling of two of the names  (they have alternate spellings, and I have to decide which one is more "me").

Pronouns - he or she are both fine, no matter which I am at the moment. I tell people to use whichever comes naturally to them in the moment. That tends toward the "she" usually, mostly because my body isn't responding to testosterone (16 months, I think?) so I tend to continue to present as femme. I'd rather not deal with looking like a woman dressed up like a man, and women's clothes still fit/look better on my body. I'm very aesthetic-oriented, "to look good is to feel good." So I rarely fully present male, even though emotionally it feels wonderful. Personally I really hate the middle-pronouns ("they," "xe/xer/xim" or "ze/zer/zim,") because those terms trigger my dysphoria. Non-gendered terms feel like they are denying both of my very binary genders and pointing out the middle ground, which is really dysphoric for me as a transition between my female and male gender swings (which lasts a few weeks and is miserable).

When I'm all guy and present as a guy I feel laid back, relaxed and centered, like I've settled into my bones, in ways I can never feel when I present female. When I'm all girl *and* present female I feel fierce and powerful, able to take on the world, I have the energy and will do do anything I want.

There is no one way to do it. Everyone has to find their own path and comfort zone. The above is what works best for me. It's okay to play around with it for a while to figure out what works for you.
Cailan in guy mode, Jeaniveve (Jean) in girl mode, but usually a girl and a guy happily sharing one body.








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