Author Topic: Can you be happy, if you stay in the closet  (Read 834 times)

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Offline helenmarie

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Can you be happy, if you stay in the closet
« on: October 14, 2018, 09:59:37 am »
Girls often say, you can only be fully fulfilled or happy if you come out of the closet & go out in public fully dressed. So can you be fulfilled & happy staying indoors & CD in private. I think you can, I am in my early 60,s & have CD all my life in private, & am very happy & contented with this. I also think the risk factor of not being caught may also be part of it. Even in this day & age there are still some people out there who take offence at CD girls walking around in public, so that puts me off a little as well. So for the moment I will stay indoors [ now & then out in the garden] & CD in private. So I think you can be happy in the closet, as well as outside.

love,  Helenmarie

Online HappyMoni

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Re: Can you be happy, if you stay in the closet
« Reply #1 on: October 14, 2018, 03:57:25 pm »
I am glad you are okay with your situation. This is a very individual thing. For me, I felt like I was in prison being confined to one or two rooms. I climbed on top of my roof one night, removed my coat, and was able to wear the clothes I wanted in freedom for an hour. I think I cried because I was driven to so much more, and at that time it seemed impossible. It wasn't. If it is good for you, be very thankful.
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Offline NancyBalik

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Re: Can you be happy, if you stay in the closet
« Reply #2 on: October 14, 2018, 05:29:08 pm »
Good question. And I agree that it is a very individual thing. I am about your age, also in the closet, believe that it is unlikely I will come out due to marriage and family costs (she knows, but disapproves — we are DADT). I truly believe that I missed the window of opportunity for “happy,” and I do not see happiness as a reasonable goal for resolving my gender dysphoria.

Instead, I try to accept that I have the life I have, and that my gender expression, like many other dreams, will never be fully realized. I try to fulfill pieces of it. But, really, I’ve given up the larger dream—which for me would be to have the freedom to shop for and dress daily in the clothing that I want, and to develop my feminine appearance and lifestyle. But, since I’m not willing to give up my marriage and access to my grandkids to do it, I know I will never have it and will never be truly happy (or truly unhappy, I guess). I think that it would be fair to say that I’ve “settled.” A lot of things affect our lives—only some of them are our own choices. Nancy
« Last Edit: October 15, 2018, 06:36:34 am by NancyBalik »

Offline Carolina

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Re: Can you be happy, if you stay in the closet
« Reply #3 on: October 16, 2018, 10:35:02 am »
Hi HelenMarie,

  I'm with Nancy.  A bit older though.  And I'm fairly comfortable in the closet most of the time (and have the chance to open its door and wander around a bit outside when I really want to.-- Humm.  We've got a couple of large dogs that live in a very large dog pen who also have the chance to go out and wander around a bit when they wish.  But then they happily go back inside the pen after they have.) 

  So I'm a "co-inhabitor" of this body.  And I don't really want to be the dominant entity.  Too much work to be in charge of everything, and he takes good care of me.  Its sort of like a successful marriage.

  But I have certainly seen the driven need to be free that others have expressed here at Susan's.  And I wish them well.  To find yourself trapped and unable to break free must be terrible.

  I do wonder though whether such individuals are the sole inhabitants of their bodies, or whether there is a male entity that is "non-dominant", although genetically assigned the defining body parts?   (Did I say that right?)  And what does that mean to the psychology of "transitioning"?

      Carolina

 

 

     

Offline CDGwen76

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Re: Can you be happy, if you stay in the closet
« Reply #4 on: October 19, 2018, 10:50:30 pm »
Well right now still in the closet to speak and so far the only places I might dress and go out are the local Hamburger Mary’s in town or possibly a safe type place like a lgbt club with a few other girls I know in tow. Being the new girl and all.

Offline Virginia

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Re: Can you be happy, if you stay in the closet
« Reply #5 on: October 20, 2018, 11:38:59 am »
I'm a "co-inhabitor" of this body. 

I have seen you mention this in several of your posts, Carolina, but am not sure whether you are saying this euphemistically or you are the female alter of a dissociative system. I am a cisgender male survivor of childhood sexual and psychological abuse and developed Dissociative Identity/Multiple Personality Disorder (DID/MPD) to cope with the trauma. My female alter, Flytrap, keeps up a thread which has become the "home" for forum members with DID who have opposite gender alters and those with dissociative conditions who need to express themself as another gender at https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,218553.msg1934547.html#msg1934547

You can read more in my post, "Childhood Trauma Survivor Misdiagnosed as Transsexual with Gender Dysphoria" at https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,176195.msg1548804.html#msg1548804
~VA (pronounced Vee- Aye, the abbreviation for the State of Virginia where I live)

Offline sally0196

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Re: Can you be happy, if you stay in the closet
« Reply #6 on: November 03, 2018, 04:27:05 pm »
Marie,

Being socially active was the only way for me, but you have to be comfortable, so there is nothing wrong with fulfilling your desires and remaining in the closet.  It's your choice and yours alone.  Remember, staying in the safety of the closet doesn't make you any less of a person either.  What is really important is that you be true to yourself.

Hugs,

Sally

Offline Anne Blake

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Re: Can you be happy, if you stay in the closet
« Reply #7 on: November 03, 2018, 10:36:13 pm »
Yes, there are some that say that you cannot be happy if you don't come out, or if you don't fully transition, or if you....yes there are a lot of folks in our community that try to define what is needed for others. But it is you that need to be comfortable with where you are in life. I had originally hoped that I could stay hidden and just know myself in private ways, closeted. But that didn't work and my partner and I created our own journey to find where we are happy. I will suggest that if you can find comfort and happiness in the closet, then that is the way for you to go. The fewer changes you can make that offers you contentment the better off you will be. Please keep in mind that as you begin to make changes they tend to accelerate and many find it difficult to control. I know a few transgender women that are able to live satisfied lives closeted and I know many that needed to get out of the closet. Each are different, enjoy YOUR journey.

Tia Anne

Online Maid Marion

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Re: Can you be happy, if you stay in the closet
« Reply #8 on: November 04, 2018, 06:58:37 am »
Yes, there are plenty of people that "assume that everyone is like me."  Even CDs and Trangenders, even though they aren't like 99% of the people in the community that they live, work and play in.  :o

Offline GingerVicki

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Re: Can you be happy, if you stay in the closet
« Reply #9 on: November 04, 2018, 08:29:16 am »
To answer the main question asked. I can/could do most of the same things. Then again I've accepted that I will not pass even when things are complete with HRT. I will be androgynous. So be it.

I am happier on HRT, but it does not fix the problems in my life.

Offline ChrissyRyan

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Re: Can you be happy, if you stay in the closet
« Reply #10 on: November 04, 2018, 09:15:10 am »
Everyone is different.  Some need to be out, free and openly expressing their gender, anywhere, at all times.  Others can be happy while being “in the closet.”

Stepping back to a more philosophical argument, I think we each need to be content with what we have, and if we get in a better situation, to be grateful.  I am for sure not saying that we need to be content with any evil we have to face, not at all.  But I do think that many people seem to be unhappy until they get what they want (not what they need), then after they get it, they simply find something else they want (not need), and yet again feel unhappy. 

A direct answer to your question is yes, contentment is possible for some staying in the closet, but I understand this situation may not be ideal for you or another particular person.  There is much pleasure in being able to be yourself, out in the open.  It is liberating.

There is nothing wrong with good aspirations and doing what is in your control to achieve them.  There are a lot of people that concern themeselves too much with things in their personal lives that really are not in their control, they even worry and become very unhappy.  I advise them to think of others more, as it really helps when you help others, as this takes the focus away from ourselves, at least for awhile.

So in the meantime, if your limit requires you “staying in the closet,” make the most of that.
Perhaps someday you will have greater freedom and will be able to do more.  Enjoy what you can do.  Make the most of what you can do and experience.

Chrissy


Offline barbie

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Re: Can you be happy, if you stay in the closet
« Reply #11 on: November 04, 2018, 10:46:42 am »
In my case, I was initially in the closet for a very short period, probably less than 1 month. At the first, I wore looking androgynous, but later I sometimes wore skirts. At my work places, I mostly wore jeans with long hair. But during the past 5 years, I mostly wore skirts or dresses.

Dressing in the closet may be more related with sexuality. Expressing my femininity in public is entertaining and sometimes thrilling, but it also can be driven by sexuality in some degree. This is the same for most cis-women.

Strangers treat me as a woman. My friends, colleagues and acquaintances know very well who I am. Some of them treat me as a woman.

I know that I can not be a cis-woman. Transgender woman can be better than cis-woman in patriarchal societies. Sometimes I can take only advantages from both genders.

barbie~~
Just do it.

Online KathyLauren

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Re: Can you be happy, if you stay in the closet
« Reply #12 on: November 04, 2018, 11:20:15 am »
"Can you be happy, if you stay in the closet?"  That depends who "you" is referring to.

Can people in general be happy in the closet?  Apparently so.  Many are.
Can you, helenmarie, be happy in the closet?  You say you are, and I believe you.

Can I be happy in the closet?  No, I can't.  I knew starting this that the reason I was doing it was to escape from the need to hide who I am.  I am never going back in the closet, and I cannot be 'stealth', for the same reason.  That in-between phase, where I was part-time, was very hard on me emotionally.  It got harder and harder to go back into male mode.  I am much happier being out and proud.
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly, beginning full-time; 2017-07-10 Legal name change

Offline ChrissyRyan

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Re: Can you be happy, if you stay in the closet
« Reply #13 on: November 04, 2018, 11:59:43 am »
"Can you be happy, if you stay in the closet?"  That depends who "you" is referring to.

Can people in general be happy in the closet?  Apparently so.  Many are.
Can you, helenmarie, be happy in the closet?  You say you are, and I believe you.

Can I be happy in the closet?  No, I can't.  I knew starting this that the reason I was doing it was to escape from the need to hide who I am.  I am never going back in the closet, and I cannot be 'stealth', for the same reason.  That in-between phase, where I was part-time, was very hard on me emotionally.  It got harder and harder to go back into male mode.  I am much happier being out and proud.


Kathy Lauren,

That was very well said.

Chrissy

Offline RandyL

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Re: Can you be happy, if you stay in the closet
« Reply #14 on: November 10, 2018, 11:09:48 am »
Slowly catching up...  For myself, I have found that I need to get out in public, although I am still shy and tend to do it on trails as a hiker or runner, on my bicycle, or at LGBT-friendly places. At the moment I am CD'd at home by myself, and it's just not very satisfying to me. But too much work (and too cold!) to go out this morning...

As many others said, we all have different paths, and all are Ok. Whatever works...
If so, then why not?

Offline rachel.kandace

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Re: Can you be happy, if you stay in the closet
« Reply #15 on: November 11, 2018, 06:14:30 pm »
My very first outing was about three years ago to a Burlington noon time on a Saturday. I inspected my look very well before leaving home and said, "I can do this". So, off I went very nervous. I just walked in like I owned the place and took deep breaths and calmed down. I went over to the shoe section and tried on several heels when a young girl asked me, "ma'am, do you like these boots." I said, "yes, very much" in the most feminine voice I could muster up as I have never practiced my voice. The young girl never indicated that she thought I was anything other than an older woman. I was elated by this so I walked all the way through Burlington and into the mall where a Payless was nearby. I went in and was greeted by the sales lady saying that today was some sort of a sale day and for me to let her know if I needed any help. I think I tried on every style of shoe in the store! Not wanting to press my luck venturing through the mall, I went back into Burlington and shopped in the ladies wear for a long time. I then went home and savored the memory of my first outing. SO, I feel that I really need to be out, not in the closet. I have been out many times since then and every time is just an awesome feeling. I don't know if I have have been read but I don't care, I am being me!

Offline Denice

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Re: Can you be happy, if you stay in the closet
« Reply #16 on: November 11, 2018, 07:22:02 pm »
Why not? Some things require very small steps. Today, November 11, 2018, I went an purchased my very first pants and tops. They're not overtly feminine, not worth a second glance, but it's a start. Tomorrow I'm wearing a set to go out and buy more. Truth is I want to go out in public without attracting too much attention. I have, whats been described as a very interesting beard, and a well developed mustache. For some reason I loathe to give them up. But I love wearing clothes from the women's side of the aisle, so I do what I can to fulfill that wish.
I'm a man. I like being a man. I also love wearing women's clothing. It's my way to show honor, respect and solidarity with them.

Online Maid Marion

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Re: Can you be happy, if you stay in the closet
« Reply #17 on: November 13, 2018, 06:53:33 pm »
Truth is I want to go out in public without attracting too much attention. I have, whats been described as a very interesting beard, and a well developed mustache. For some reason I loathe to give them up. But I love wearing clothes from the women's side of the aisle, so I do what I can to fulfill that wish.

It can take a lot of work to develop nice looking facial hair, so I'm not surprised at your reluctance.

Where I live a winter scarf that covered your face would not look out of place, especially on a windy day.

I love to wear body hugging winter coats.

Offline RandyL

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Re: Can you be happy, if you stay in the closet
« Reply #18 on: November 13, 2018, 08:10:28 pm »
Where I live a winter scarf that covered your face would not look out of place, especially on a windy day.

I love to wear body hugging winter coats.
I have no idea what you mean  ;D ;D
If so, then why not?

Offline Alyssa2U

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Re: Can you be happy, if you stay in the closet
« Reply #19 on: November 18, 2018, 12:59:03 am »
You can be happy staying in the closet...if you have someone in there with you  ;) ;D
I'm just trying to keep the mood light, not trying to be an ass. This is a very painful subject for me at least and I assume for everyone.
Thanks for posting it.

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