Author Topic: Holiday depression  (Read 621 times)

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Offline gracefulhat

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Holiday depression
« on: November 05, 2018, 06:16:58 pm »
So the holidays are looming. I began medically transitioning 3 months ago and needless to say that my family are less than enthusiastic. For Thanksgiving and Christmas we usally all get together @ my parents for food ...etc. Well after speaking with my parents last night I became aware that if I am to be @ the gathering then my two older brthers, their wives and 6 children will not be there. They are worried that I will confuse their children. Part of me says I understand, which is literally what I said, and instead i will just visit my parents later in the evening. The other part of me is depressed, surprised, a little pissed, and somewhat humored by the hypocrisy of it.
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Offline Annaiyah

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Re: Holiday depression
« Reply #1 on: November 05, 2018, 08:19:38 pm »
If they really said they're worried about you "confusing the children" then that's why you should tell their parents this is why it's important they educate their children and teach them that trans people exist and this is who they are, and also these people are worthy of the same respect they would any other person. They sooner they are taught the better so with that said i wouldn't worry too much about "confusing the children."
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Offline gracefulhat

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Re: Holiday depression
« Reply #2 on: November 05, 2018, 09:14:38 pm »
If they really said they're worried about you "confusing the children" then that's why you should tell their parents this is why it's important they educate their children and teach them that trans people exist and this is who they are, and also these people are worthy of the same respect they would any other person. They sooner they are taught the better so with that said i wouldn't worry too much about "confusing the children."

Neither of my brothers will answer the phone. If I send them emails they might respond with one sentence. Unfortunately it takes two to communicate and they have no desire to have a relationship atm.
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Offline barbie

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Re: Holiday depression
« Reply #3 on: November 05, 2018, 09:45:27 pm »
Parents and adults do worry about children, but actually children are flexible and open-minded. Adults always cause problems from various fears originated from ignorance or unknown. But, it is difficult to argue with those adults. Time, patience and trial and errors will enlighten them.



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Offline Janes Groove

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Re: Holiday depression
« Reply #4 on: November 05, 2018, 11:16:57 pm »
They are worried that I will confuse their children.

I'm so sorry they are reacting this way.  But I was thinking that there is a LOT to unpack in that sentence.  Too bad they won't even communicate with you so you can drill down a little deeper into what they ACTUALLY mean by that.  I find their statement pretty confusing myself.  If they are going to shun you they could at least give you the courtesy of an honest and open conversation about it.  They owe you that much.

It sounds to me like a euphemism for transphobia.
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Offline gracefulhat

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Re: Holiday depression
« Reply #5 on: November 06, 2018, 04:30:12 am »
Parents and adults do worry about children, but actually children are flexible and open-minded. Adults always cause problems from various fears originated from ignorance or unknown. But, it is difficult to argue with those adults. Time, patience and trial and errors will enlighten them.



barbie~~

It has also been my experience that children are very accepting if it's explained to them in a loving manor. Like you said, time and patience may help... 감사합니다
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Offline gracefulhat

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Re: Holiday depression
« Reply #6 on: November 06, 2018, 04:32:07 am »
I'm so sorry they are reacting this way.  But I was thinking that there is a LOT to unpack in that sentence.  Too bad they won't even communicate with you so you can drill down a little deeper into what they ACTUALLY mean by that.  I find their statement pretty confusing myself.  If they are going to shun you they could at least give you the courtesy of an honest and open conversation about it.  They owe you that much.

It sounds to me like a euphemism for transphobia.

I found early on that it's not what I do or say that offends them, it's my being. Just by existing they feel that I am pushing myself onto them.
You be you and I'll be me.

Offline Sienna Grace

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Re: Holiday depression
« Reply #7 on: November 08, 2018, 05:44:03 am »
Well hon, as a teacher I can say with certainty that rarely does the issue reside with children. Children could not care less if you present as male, female or giraffe. The messages they receive from adults on the other hand...

Since coming out to friends and family, the only negative responses I have received are from immediate family. I recognise they hide fear and confusion behind a facade of misinformation, misery and and at times ignorance.

I am beginning to accept that I have no control over their responses. Just wishing it were different and worrying about outcomes won’t change one little thing.

Find the path which is right for you and invite others to accompany you on your journey. You may need to give them a great many entry points. But remember ultimately this is about you and some people may not be kind. Your pain is real, you are living it and you are likely confused. They are also living it but without your understanding, so they mask fear with denial and excuse.

I genuinely hope they become more tolerant for you.

Sienna
Xx

Offline Angelic

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Re: Holiday depression
« Reply #8 on: November 08, 2018, 10:56:18 am »
Spend Christmas with another transwoman.
Intolerables, everywhere...cannot escape them.

Offline Lucca

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Re: Holiday depression
« Reply #9 on: November 08, 2018, 11:02:48 am »
If you still want to spend Thanksgiving with whoever else may be there, I say you should just go. If your brothers and their families don't want to come, that's their own problem.

Offline Angela H

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Re: Holiday depression
« Reply #10 on: November 08, 2018, 12:08:49 pm »
If you still want to spend Thanksgiving with whoever else may be there, I say you should just go. If your brothers and their families don't want to come, that's their own problem.

I think this advice is badly misguided. Unless you're sure that your parents will side with you forcing the issue will most likely end up driving them away. Think about it from the grandparents point of view: "Either we get one of our children, or two of the others and the grandchildren too". Even if they think what your siblings are doing is wrong, they will probably resent you for forcing their hand (even though they should blame the transphobic siblings for making this an issue to begin with).

I'm sure you already considered this, but I'm wondering why not just going and presenting as your birth gender; three months on hormones is honestly too short of a time that you wouldn't be able to just wear baggy clothes and pretend nothing had changed. It's not an ideal option, but at least you'd get to see your nieces and nephews.

Maybe you could agree to wait an hour and show up late? That way it's like you're 'sharing' the time available for the get together. Then if they don't want to see you they can leave early and there'd be no problem. At my extended family's Thanksgiving celebration people are always showing up late and leaving early anyways, so the kids wouldn't even have to know anything was different, I guess.

I'm really sorry to hear your family is being so closed-minded and petty.

Offline Lucca

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Re: Holiday depression
« Reply #11 on: November 08, 2018, 12:29:51 pm »
If the parents and remaining guests blame her for "making" the other guests decide not to come or somesuch, that's their own problem, too. If anyone did that to me, I wouldn't bother with trying to have them in my life, either.

Sorry, but I just don't see the point in placating people like this. Personally, if any of my family members decides that they don't want me at family gatherings post-transition, I'll be saddened, but I'll live with it and I'll be fine never talking to any of them again in my life. I'm not going to make concessions or beg for their acceptance.

Offline Janes Groove

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Re: Holiday depression
« Reply #12 on: November 08, 2018, 07:18:47 pm »
You have a right to be there.  You are a part of the family.   But perhaps an all at once transition is not the only approach you could take.  Maybe you could show up with some sort of subtle androgynous accent.  A pair of women's jeans.   Or maybe your hair held back with an claw clip(I've seen hipster cis guys do this).  Maybe even just a transgender flag button.  Something to state that you are meeting them halfway.  Then next Christmas maybe nail polish.  That way you are conceding to their unreasonable demands but at the same time you are sending a message that this won't always be the way things are.  Sort of an unspoken message that they can stew over until next Christmas.

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Offline gracefulhat

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Re: Holiday depression
« Reply #13 on: November 08, 2018, 11:42:20 pm »
Thank you everyone for your responses, I've been at work and am just now able to reply. Since my last post I had an in depth conversation with my mom. Definately showing up unannounced would be like declaring war and my parents would not support me if I did that. I don't want to be around people who just tolerate me anyways.
I really am going to miss my nephews and neices, especially my neice named after me. It truly breaks my heart. Maybe in time things will change, but at this time there is no meeting halfway, it's just their way.
It's so relieving to be able to post on Susans and have others who understand and are in similar circumstances. I really appreciate you all. Transitioning has such bright and dark moments.
You be you and I'll be me.

Offline gracefulhat

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Re: Holiday depression
« Reply #14 on: November 09, 2018, 07:12:59 am »
Grace I predict this is going to be hard for you. It was really hard for me. I went deep into a depression for several months and went as far as to plan my demise. I was only waiting for the right time in spring to carry it out. A few of my good friends knew where my head was at and urged me to tell my therapist and get anti depressant meds for it. I listened to them. The pills took 2 1/2 months to work but they did work. I would suggest the same process for you at the first sign of depression as it could well save your life. Please take my suggestion seriously. I have been there in the depths of despair and not wanting to live yet her I am and today I a pretty darn happy.

 I am here if you do need someone to talk with.

Hugs,
  Laurie

I have spoken with my psychologist about this already because I am already depressed about it. I don't have any self harm thoughts at this time, but I will certainly call her if I do. Thank you Laurie.
You be you and I'll be me.

Offline GingerVicki

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Re: Holiday depression
« Reply #15 on: November 09, 2018, 10:31:35 am »
Thank you everyone for your responses, I've been at work and am just now able to reply. Since my last post I had an in depth conversation with my mom. Definately showing up unannounced would be like declaring war and my parents would not support me if I did that. I don't want to be around people who just tolerate me anyways.
I really am going to miss my nephews and neices, especially my neice named after me. It truly breaks my heart. Maybe in time things will change, but at this time there is no meeting halfway, it's just their way.
It's so relieving to be able to post on Susans and have others who understand and are in similar circumstances. I really appreciate you all. Transitioning has such bright and dark moments.

I've been where you are. The first year was tough when remembering birthdays and holidays, but it got better in the second year. I am in the third year of not having a family. Now when I think of them it only lasts a second or two.

My emotions changed from sadness in the first year, to anger in the second, and finally nothing. The nothing may just be me. I have grown emotionally numb as I've gotten older. So much hate and discrimination as left a lasting impact on me.

I'm not sure if this helps, but people do not get to pick their family. We get to pick our friends and significant others. Life is meant to be lived happily and there is no reason to have a people holding you back from being as happy as you can be.


Offline gracefulhat

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Re: Holiday depression
« Reply #16 on: November 09, 2018, 08:34:29 pm »
@ Ginger, that is a little scary to me that I might end up numb towards them, but it must be our minds way of protecting itself. Thank you for sharing your experience.
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Offline Angelic

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Re: Holiday depression
« Reply #17 on: November 10, 2018, 10:21:46 am »
Hi Graceful,

  I am sorry that your whole family is not accepting. I understand this depressed feeling very well. The holidays only make the situation worse for us. I used to spend christmas with my daughter, her husband and my 5 grand children. This holiday season will be the second one that I will not be with them. My coming out to them marked the last day I saw them. It hurts when family rejects you. I know. Only my sister that lives with me accepts me of the 4 I have left. The others want nothing to do with me and are openly hostile to me. It hurts.
  I have never liked the holidays mainly due to a child's disappointment from receiving gift other boys would like and having to watch my 5 sisters open the presents I wished I could have. Petty I know but this disappointment repeated itself over and over for holidays and birthdays on into adulthood. Perhaps I should have been grateful for my gifts but damn it they never were what I wanted... never. But then how could they be? No one knew what I wished for and I could not tell anyone. What I wanted was wrong. Boys didn't like such thing let alone want them. I knew this and hated myself for it.
  So yeah holidays depress me. I often wished I could go away and be by myself from mid November to January. Alone. Apart from. Isolated. Why? So I do not have to play the "happy game" I hate the holidays. I'm not thankful, or grateful, or joyous, or even happy to be alive during the holidays.
  The holidays depress me and I am fit company for no one. let me disappear, or hide, or just cease to be. Did I say I hate holidays?

  I'm sorry for your family situation Graceful, but as you can see I do not have a solution for you.
  I hope you find some solution that works for you.

 Laurie

I feel bad for you. I was born in the 90's and never had any fear about such things. I told my parents I was into dolls and stuffed animals too. Even most of the boys at my school were into ky dolls. I remember my first quad cycle was teal, pink, and white and covered with stickers and glitter. I was into Hello Kitty at an early age too. But I also loved building things, science, stuff with wheels, and building stuff with legos and trains. So my mom's religious mindset would not believe I was trans. Because society assumes that scientific minds are all male.
Intolerables, everywhere...cannot escape them.

Offline barbie

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Re: Holiday depression
« Reply #18 on: November 10, 2018, 07:55:33 pm »
I feel bad for you. I was born in the 90's and never had any fear about such things. I told my parents I was into dolls and stuffed animals too. Even most of the boys at my school were into ky dolls. I remember my first quad cycle was teal, pink, and white and covered with stickers and glitter. I was into Hello Kitty at an early age too. But I also loved building things, science, stuff with wheels, and building stuff with legos and trains. So my mom's religious mindset would not believe I was trans. Because society assumes that scientific minds are all male.

I am also a scientist.

Remember Hedy Lamarr when using WiFi.

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barbie~~
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Offline Angelic

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Re: Holiday depression
« Reply #19 on: November 11, 2018, 11:18:50 am »
I am also a scientist.

Remember Hedy Lamarr when using WiFi.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hedy_Lamarr

barbie~~

Yeah I think societies attitude just keeps transwomen down. Because the assume all scientists are male. Even though I think there was something transsexual about me as a child. And I feel like its somehow connected to my science. For instance Nikola Tesla. I don't know if he was a transsexual. But he was definitely psychologically abnormal compared to other men. And wasn't masculine enough to have confidence around women, and he thought he was unworthy of being dated. With me as a kid (about 4 or 6) I didn't have a fixed obsession with becoming a girl. But I always hated my own body and wanted to be an animal or a robot. And when I imagined my own body I was always pale white. And had no genitals, just flat and sleek and curved. And I wanted to die but also wanted to live.
Intolerables, everywhere...cannot escape them.

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