Author Topic: Don't think I'm as trans as I used to think  (Read 2097 times)

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Offline amandam

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Don't think I'm as trans as I used to think
« on: December 15, 2018, 01:45:09 pm »
My regular doc who used to handle trans issues for the VA, upped my Prozac because of symptoms I was describing. I am now sleeping better, feel more calm, etc.

And, my dysphoria has gone down. I'm starting to think that my dysphoria goes up with my depression/anxiety and isn't in-itself the root of my problem. I think that my depression/anxiety and dysphoria have been feeding off of each other.

My therapist said I'm not "transsexual", i.e., needing to transition, though I have strong dysphoria at times. Key word - "at times".

Any opinions?

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Re: Don't think I'm as trans as I used to think
« Reply #1 on: December 15, 2018, 01:51:05 pm »
I think you're probably somewhere on the spectrum. I'm diagnosed f64.9

https://www.icd10data.com/ICD10CM/Codes/F01-F99/F60-F69/F64-
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Re: Don't think I'm as trans as I used to think
« Reply #2 on: December 15, 2018, 02:02:42 pm »
I think you're probably somewhere on the spectrum. I'm diagnosed f64.9

https://www.icd10data.com/ICD10CM/Codes/F01-F99/F60-F69/F64-


Devlyn, thank you for that reference.

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Re: Don't think I'm as trans as I used to think
« Reply #3 on: December 15, 2018, 02:08:08 pm »
Devlyn, thank you for that reference.

My pleasure.  :)
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Offline Kirsteneklund7

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Re: Don't think I'm as trans as I used to think
« Reply #4 on: December 15, 2018, 04:07:28 pm »
My regular doc who used to handle trans issues for the VA, upped my Prozac because of symptoms I was describing. I am now sleeping better, feel more calm, etc.

And, my dysphoria has gone down. I'm starting to think that my dysphoria goes up with my depression/anxiety and isn't in-itself the root of my problem. I think that my depression/anxiety and dysphoria have been feeding off of each other.

My therapist said I'm not "transsexual", i.e., needing to transition, though I have strong dysphoria at times. Key word - "at times".

Any opinions?
Hi Amandam,
                        would you consider transition even if you dont need to ?

 Kirsten x.

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Offline amandam

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Re: Don't think I'm as trans as I used to think
« Reply #5 on: December 15, 2018, 04:24:24 pm »
I dont think i would do it if not necessary

Offline Kirsteneklund7

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Re: Don't think I'm as trans as I used to think
« Reply #6 on: December 15, 2018, 05:17:21 pm »
I dont think i would do it if not necessary
I know how you feel. For me the cons outweigh the pros.

 I do have much success using estrogen to mitigate dysphoria though.

 Kind regards, Kirsten.

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Offline echo7

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Re: Don't think I'm as trans as I used to think
« Reply #7 on: December 16, 2018, 03:50:47 pm »
A transsexual feels, and is, completely female or completely male.  If someone identifies that strongly as a binary gender, it really shouldn't be that hard to figure it out in short order, once they start introspection and therapy.  After all, we're talking about the core of one's true identity here.  If it really is black and white (female or male), it should be obvious quite quickly.

But that doesn't seem to be the case with you.  You have a long history of questioning yourself over and over again through years of therapy.  And still you're not sure.  So, I agree with your therapist.  You're not a transsexual.  But you might still be transgender, somewhere on the spectrum as Devlyn wrote.  I guess the question for you then is what do you want to do about it, if anything?  The pathway for non-binary trans people is not so clear cut as it is compared to transsexuals.

Offline HappyMoni

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Re: Don't think I'm as trans as I used to think
« Reply #8 on: December 16, 2018, 06:25:15 pm »
It's weird but I read what Devlyn posted and it talks about disorders. I don't feel like a person with a disorder. Well, after transition I don't. Before, when the dysphoria was raging in my head, it felt like I did. Earlier in my life though I didn't think I was transition material. I don't know that transition would have worked for me then. I think I would have said many of the things that I hear you saying about being torn both ways. I was terrified of losing everyone I loved. Now, I only know I am a transsexual because it has worked beyond my dreams. I think for some of us at least, our 'classification' is not fixed throughout our lives. I am really sorry for the pain that being in the middle can cause. I was there for so long. Maybe it is worth keeping minds open to change with time.
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Re: Don't think I'm as trans as I used to think
« Reply #9 on: December 17, 2018, 02:08:09 am »
It's weird but I read what Devlyn posted and it talks about disorders. I don't feel like a person with a disorder. Well, after transition I don't. Before, when the dysphoria was raging in my head, it felt like I did. Earlier in my life though I didn't think I was transition material. I don't know that transition would have worked for me then. I think I would have said many of the things that I hear you saying about being torn both ways. I was terrified of losing everyone I loved. Now, I only know I am a transsexual because it has worked beyond my dreams. I think for some of us at least, our 'classification' is not fixed throughout our lives. I am really sorry for the pain that being in the middle can cause. I was there for so long. Maybe it is worth keeping minds open to change with time.

Interesting. For what it's worth, they're working on removing the "stigmatising" language from the literature.

Before I was diagnosed with gender dysphoria, my doctor prescribed me hormones based on a hormonal disorder (to get estradiol prescribed for a male). I grew up before the "words hurt/safe space" model for adults came into being. It really doesn't matter to me if my doctor refers to my medical needs as a disorder, as long as I'm treated with respect, and getting what I need.

From the dictionary:

disorder

noun

1. a state of confusion...


I think that's a pretty good description of what most transgender people present to their medical providers, and what they're feeling inside before treatment.

I'm not trying to argue with you, Moni, just offering up my opinions.  :)

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Offline amandam

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Re: Don't think I'm as trans as I used to think
« Reply #10 on: January 02, 2019, 09:53:18 pm »
You have a long history of questioning yourself over and over again through years of therapy.  And still you're not sure.  So, I agree with your therapist.  You're not a transsexual.  But you might still be transgender, somewhere on the spectrum as Devlyn wrote.  I guess the question for you then is what do you want to do about it, if anything?  The pathway for non-binary trans people is not so clear cut as it is compared to transsexuals.

And my dysphoria is back though without the incessant libido (probably the prozac). But, to answer your question. My therapy has brought me to a level of seemingly, non-binary. Of course, if I ever got far enough down the rabbit hole, it's possible I may want a more permanent change. Best thing I can do at this point, is really, and I mean *really* work on the self-esteem/self-acceptance aspect of all of this.

Offline luckygirl

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Re: Don't think I'm as trans as I used to think
« Reply #11 on: January 02, 2019, 11:41:56 pm »
I dont think i would do it if not necessary

I can't imagine doing it if it weren't necessary.

Offline Jeal

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Re: Don't think I'm as trans as I used to think
« Reply #12 on: January 17, 2019, 05:15:13 pm »
My regular doc who used to handle trans issues for the VA, upped my Prozac because of symptoms I was describing. I am now sleeping better, feel more calm, etc.

And, my dysphoria has gone down. I'm starting to think that my dysphoria goes up with my depression/anxiety and isn't in-itself the root of my problem. I think that my depression/anxiety and dysphoria have been feeding off of each other.

My therapist said I'm not "transsexual", i.e., needing to transition, though I have strong dysphoria at times. Key word - "at times".

Any opinions?

My experience is that I am going through a process of opening and contraction, meaning, I will feel really %100 sure, and then I tend to feel good - almost no social anxiety, emotions flowing freely, at ease with myself.  Then after a few hours or days I get really unsure.  My inner critic gets loud and nasty and I withdraw.  Anxiety and social anxiety come raging back. 

Now, for me in my journey every cycle leads me a little deeper down the proverbial rabbit hole, closer to comfort with transition.  I should note, before opening up to this journey a year ago I was seriously emotionally frozen, anxious and depressed and I even only started looking at gender identity when I was convinced I would kill myself.  I hit the veritable bottom, very primed (and desperate) for self acceptance.

It could be you are going through cycles like this in a more extended period, or maybe you are just more genderfluid.  In the end, I think for me the biggest obstacle to my clarity is the years of dominant cultural messaging, and my internal perception of being transgender as being dangerous/shameful.  That's my theory on why I end up rebounding so hard - the super ego trying to re-assert itself fearing annihilation (my therapist agrees :) ).

In the end, I know that when I am my happiest, it is when I am looking forward to transition, so that is clarity for me.  Even with that, I get into a super funk when in contraction. 

I also have other issues that prevent clarity, so, for me continuing therapy is a must.  I know transition will not 'cure' me, but it will(hopefully) lay a foundation where I feel like I can finally address the other wounds.

The best of luck to you on your journey!

Love,

Jael
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Offline Sophiaprincess2019

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Re: Don't think I'm as trans as I used to think
« Reply #13 on: January 30, 2019, 07:04:25 pm »
Jael, love what you said about laying a foundation for addressing "other wounds" After a VERY long time I had to stop lying to myself I was gay. I only slept with men because I wanted to be a woman who was wanted by a man; and since heterosexual men wouldn't sleep with me I turned to being gay so men would desire me. Little did I know this entire process would allow me to figure out every aspect of my life as I decided I wanted nothing more than be a woman. I'm all the way down the rabbit hole and looking forward to my new life as a woman, even if it's more difficult.

Sophia
1968 Assigned male at birth with feminine mannerisms
1978 Dolls and dresses
1988 Experimental stage, limited makeup and clothes
1998 Denial continues, unsuccessfully tried living as a man
12-8-2018 time for a change....
2-21-2019 Started HRT
2-21-2020 One year HRT
2-21-2021 Two years HRT

Offline Jeal

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Re: Don't think I'm as trans as I used to think
« Reply #14 on: January 31, 2019, 07:16:53 pm »
Jael, love what you said about laying a foundation for addressing "other wounds" After a VERY long time I had to stop lying to myself I was gay. I only slept with men because I wanted to be a woman who was wanted by a man; and since heterosexual men wouldn't sleep with me I turned to being gay so men would desire me. Little did I know this entire process would allow me to figure out every aspect of my life as I decided I wanted nothing more than be a woman. I'm all the way down the rabbit hole and looking forward to my new life as a woman, even if it's more difficult.

Sophia

I've had 'same sex' attraction too, but I am so very shy. It would have taken a very outgoing gay man to get me there :)

It does make one wonder what the future holds- happy landings for both of us!
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Offline amandam

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Re: Don't think I'm as trans as I used to think
« Reply #15 on: March 10, 2019, 11:56:09 am »
An update: My recent past therapy continues to produce clarification in my mind. The question in my mind is, what does my dysphoria and/or crossdressing mean when done in a non-sexual manner and only to express feminine qualities?  Maybe I went down the sexual route because I was scared of my dysphoric feelings and used it to combat dysphoria? I decided to try to "de-couple" the sexual component from the dysphoria. I've tossed my sexy costumes and all that jazz. No more cheap fishnets, etc. If I can't decouple the sexual part, well, that's an answer too. We'll see how it goes. :)

Offline Jeal

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Re: Don't think I'm as trans as I used to think
« Reply #16 on: March 10, 2019, 02:07:26 pm »
An update: My recent past therapy continues to produce clarification in my mind. The question in my mind is, what does my dysphoria and/or crossdressing mean when done in a non-sexual manner and only to express feminine qualities?  Maybe I went down the sexual route because I was scared of my dysphoric feelings and used it to combat dysphoria? I decided to try to "de-couple" the sexual component from the dysphoria. I've tossed my sexy costumes and all that jazz. No more cheap fishnets, etc. If I can't decouple the sexual part, well, that's an answer too. We'll see how it goes. :)
I'm so glad you are feeling more clear!

Since starting HRT I have lost the sexual allure of cross dressing completely.  I have less of an urge to dress feminine outside of the house until I look more feminine, and the edge is off my dysphoria, but I am much more certain about transition now.  Decoupling the sexual energy from my feelings has been very freeing.  I think I was carrying a lot of baggage from having read too many articles from RadFems/TERFS when I was in the 'bargaining' stage of acceptance of being Trans last year. If you haven't read their hate filled vitriol, please don't go google it. They are clearly lost in their own fears and have nothing constructive to add.
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Offline amandam

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Re: Don't think I'm as trans as I used to think
« Reply #17 on: April 26, 2019, 01:09:43 am »
Well, the below hasn't changed (see bold). I continue to hit four of the categories. Kinda updating this for my records. :)  I do have a desire for small breasts and hips (incognito mode), but not a strong desire for that primary characteristic. I want my body to move more fem, I know that for sure, but would still like to retain the ability to move about in my current male mode.

shown by at least two of the following:
    A strong desire to be rid of one’s primary and/or secondary sex characteristics
    A strong desire for the primary and/or secondary sex characteristics of the other gender
    A strong desire to be of the other gender
    A strong desire to be treated as the other gender
    A strong conviction that one has the typical feelings and reactions of the other gender

Offline Chris39

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Re: Don't think I'm as trans as I used to think
« Reply #18 on: April 26, 2019, 11:45:43 am »
I to struggle but I figure what the heck tried the man side for 47 years un happy most of the time now going to try the woman side seems to make me happier so far 5 months into hrt but my wife a hole other problem 😡😡. GOOD LUCK AND YOU DESERVE WHAT YOU WANT
Live for today !!there’s no promis of a tomorrow

Offline DawnOday

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Re: Don't think I'm as trans as I used to think
« Reply #19 on: April 26, 2019, 12:57:33 pm »
Hi everybody. I'm back. Whew what a few weeks. Getting to your point. I agree with Moni realizing who we are is so affirming not because we want it to be. We have to have it. Sorry Moni but we are both on the longer tooth side of the spectrum. Moni decided to do a full transition, I am not capable but surely would have in my younger days if fear was not so prevalent. Just taking HRT has provided the me with a connection to my distant past. I understand why I always had these feelings from early childhood. It is confirmation that it is not a choice I made on a whim or that I made any choice at all other than to seek counseling. No, it is ingrained in our developing brain. Yes, I admit to being a life long cross dresser but since beginning HRT it is more and more apparent that it was not a fetish but a need to connect within. I hope you can investigate your reservations for the best decision for you. My moment of clarity came when  I realized I lost the love of my life because of my secrets she discovered while we were married. Then I realized  there is nothing she could have done to make it better. She never asked for the turmoil it created. I know I am who I am. No filters.  I do regret the ignorance that perpetuates the hate and misunderstanding of who we are and why we are.  I hope you find peace within.
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First indication I was different- 1956 kindergarten
First crossdress - Asked mother to dress me in sisters costumes  Age 7
First revelation - 1982 to my present wife
First time telling the truth in therapy June 15, 2016
Start HRT Aug 2016
First public appearance 5/15/17




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