Author Topic: But my dear, I always wanted a daughter  (Read 2736 times)

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Offline Swedishgirl96

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But my dear, I always wanted a daughter
« on: January 07, 2019, 03:41:52 pm »
Hi everyone!

I wanted to start my own topic so I have a place where I can write of my thoughts and experiences when I need so. I believe that it is very important that we share our stories and our knowledge. Both for the cis-society and for people dealing with trans and gender issues who may be searching for answers from other's stories. I will summarize a long story here.

So who am I?
I was born the cold winter of 1996 in northern Europe, in Sweden. I grew up here in one of Sweden's largest cities, where I still live. It is a very tolerant, equal and peaceful society. My parents divorced when I was four, I lived with my mother and my 3 older brothers.

I remember I very early on had thoughts and feelings about identifying as a girl. I didn't really understand why I had a boys body and why I then felt like a girl. But I understood that I felt that I was a girl and that I wanted to be one and seen of others as one. I also remember myself lying in my bed at night, thinking about telling my mum and dad. But somehow I never dared to actually do so. I remember being so frightened. I believed if I told anyone about my feelings and thoughts I would be locked up in some mental institution. That scared me so much. I was really a frightened child. And it has caused some scars in my personality.

Anyways time went on and by February 2004 when just after I turned 8 years I discovered something new. In my surrounding up till then I had only experienced having straight cisgender people around me. At least as far as I knew. At this time I saw a drag queen group performing on television.

It was the first time I ever experienced some type of inter-gender type of thing. I was so amazed. It was guys dressed as women and they actually looked so authentic. The group was called After Dark. They stopped performing this year after 40 years performing. Quite amazing. The Lead singer of this drag group was a man called Christer Lindarw. He is a fashion designer, and he has from that day been one of the biggest role models in my life.

I started to dress up and play a little with makeup. My mother helped me with dresses and even some makeup. But I understood that I did not want to be just a drag queen. I wanted to be a girl because I felt like one.  I at least now had some way of escaping my feelings.

I was so afraid of what my older brothers would think. So I tried to hide everything from them. They were so masculine, I was not. But I also wanted to belong with them. They were all older than me and had tighter relations with each other than what I had with any of them. I felt outside and tried as good as I could to become like them. Not understanding that I did so by starting to erase myself. It was a time of pain. And I felt like I did not understand anything.

So began an era where I started to adjust to fulfill what I thought society expected from me. I behaved in the way I thought my family and friends would want of me. I felt like I was obligated to do so. I never questioned it at this stage. But gosh I wish I would have.

During this time, I started to dream about moving to the US when I became an adult. I choose the states just because it was a country that I was familiar with, it was large and far far away from my family. I dreamed about moving to the US and live my life as a woman, as myself. If I would go so far away nobody would know who I was, nobody would remember me and I would not have to worry about my family. My dream was to just disappear. Gosh, what a nightmare actually.

And then puberty hit. I don't have to go deep into this. But this was a time when my mood started to swing a lot. Actually, I started to get depressed and suffer from anxiety. Frustration grew and I started to research online about gender dysphoria and trans issues. What kind of treatment there was available and so on.

Since I still was a very frightened person I did not dear to tell anyone still. I pushed it on to the future. I thought that when I became like 18 things would change somehow.

I started smoking and drinking and partying. I was up late and didn't sleep at home. It was a way for me to escape reality and my feelings. Gosh, I partied hard and with all different kinds of people.

Turning 19 and graduating from school. And I was still an emotional mess. I had such a big circle of friends. But I still carried an entire load of feelings and thoughts inside.

My anxiety grew. I handled it by trying to suppress it even more and partied harder. Sometimes I would just crash but I was so used to feeling this way so it was like I kind of accepted it. I did not understand that there could be any other way, and I was so scared of telling anyone. I just still did not have the guts to do it. But I thought that by now I would share it very soon. I tried to collect courage.

The summer of 2016 I could not take it anymore. I was so stressed and my body started to tell me that enough was enough. My anxiety and panic attacks grew worse. Up till this point I had been very good at hiding most of my mental health problems from those around me. God only knows how!  :o

But now I could not do it anymore. I was 20 years old and so damaged inside. I was laying in the arms of my friends and just crying. I could not interact. I just was in my own world. Feeling empty or overwhelmingly sad. I could sit in a corner and just stare right out in the air. By now my friends grew very concerned about me, and asked me what was wrong?!

So I stumble on the words. But I slowly told two of my closest friends that I.... maybe feel.. in..  a.. way like.. a... girl...

It was silent for a short moment. Then they just said but why did you just not say so? That's so cool and we love you for who you are! You are our friend and you matter so much for us. I cried and was so happy and shocked at the same time. Finally, I had told someone. And I was accepted and loved. It was very intense, to say the least.

So I decided that I wanted to tell my family. My mum and dad. I tried to collect courage to tell them face to face but I could not. So I wrote a letter. Describing my thoughts and feelings since I was a child. A little bit like this text.

I phoned my friends and decided to meet up with them at a coffee shop and then I put the letter on my mother's pillow, on her bed, while she was at work. I texted her that I had put a letter on her pillow that I wanted her to read when she came home.

Then I just ran. It felt like a movie where I was in slow motion but I was really running. I run through the city center until I found my friends. We  then sat there and had coffee and talked until late in the evening. When my mother came home, she read my letter then texted me:

"But my dear, I always wanted a daughter."

I came home well after midnight. Maybe 2-3 am. I wanted to be sure my mother was asleep. She was and I sneaked into my room and crashed down in my bed. It was a very special feeling. Home has never ever felt so loving, caring and safe.

After this, I went to a youth health center. It's free and they help young people with sex, identity or addiction problems and such. There I meet a nurse and told him about my situation. He listened carefully and sent me on to a psychologist, she sent me to a psychiatrist who gave me a referral to a gender identity clinic in Lund, but when I received an answer from them that they expected to be able to receive me in 16 months time I once more collapsed. I got my referral changed to Stockholm and then I "just" had to wait 10 months. This was truly a very dark period in my life. I had come out but I could not do anything but wait. My psychiatrists said that I should not have to feel and live like this. That I should be able to enjoy life. It took a long time before I understood what she meant.

In my journal my psychiatrist during this time writes "the level of depression and suicide desire must be closely monitored". I started to use antidepressants.


I'm going to take a break here and continue sharing my story later. It takes me some time to write these posts.

Offline Chaerlie Bjerkenstök

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Re: But my dear, I always wanted a daughter
« Reply #1 on: January 08, 2019, 04:34:30 am »
Look forward to reading more from you, Swedishgirl96!
《Hugs》

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Offline Allison S

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Re: But my dear, I always wanted a daughter
« Reply #2 on: January 08, 2019, 11:19:13 am »
Wow what a story! And to have the support of your friends and family... That's incredible
My family would never have accepted it growing up, but I'm now becoming the woman on the outside that I've felt I am on the inside...
There's always a wait. Grow your hair while you wait and revel in the support that surrounds you. That seems like a dream to me now

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Offline steph2.0

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Re: But my dear, I always wanted a daughter
« Reply #3 on: January 08, 2019, 11:53:00 am »
"But my dear, I always wanted a daughter."

That’s so much like when I came out to my mom and sister. My sister grabbed me and said, “I always wanted a sister!”


Stephanie
Assigned male at birth 1958 * Began envying sister 1963 * Knew unquestioningly that I was female 1968 * Acted the male part for 50 years * Meltdown and first therapist session May 2017 * Began HRT 6/21/17 * Out to the world 10/13/17 * Name Change 12/7/2017 (Girl Harbor Day) * FFS With FacialTeam 12/4/2018 * Facelift and Lipo Body Sculpting at Ocean Clinic 6/13-14/2019 * GCS with Marci Bowers 9/11/2019 * Name and Gender Change on Birth Certificate 11/21/2019 * Accepted Internally That Transition is Completed 11/28/2019

Offline Jaime320

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Re: But my dear, I always wanted a daughter
« Reply #4 on: January 08, 2019, 12:43:26 pm »
WOW, so glad your friends and family are supportive. Do what you can while you wait.

Offline Susan

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Re: But my dear, I always wanted a daughter
« Reply #5 on: January 08, 2019, 01:44:52 pm »
I hope you don't mind I did some editing for you to make it easier to read. Great biography!
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Offline Swedishgirl96

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Re: But my dear, I always wanted a daughter
« Reply #6 on: January 08, 2019, 02:17:07 pm »
Look forward to reading more from you, Swedishgirl96!
《Hugs》

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I'm glad it captured your interest :)
Wow what a story! And to have the support of your friends and family... That's incredible
My family would never have accepted it growing up, but I'm now becoming the woman on the outside that I've felt I am on the inside...
There's always a wait. Grow your hair while you wait and revel in the support that surrounds you. That seems like a dream to me now

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk
I have come further than what I have been able to tell in my first post. But I was so tired when I wrote this first post so I will continue writing more later :)
 
That’s so much like when I came out to my mom and sister. My sister grabbed me and said, “I always wanted a sister!”


Stephanie
Oh that's soo fabulous! It makes one so happy and questioning at the same time.
Like "why did I have so weird disbelieves before?"!

WOW, so glad your friends and family are supportive. Do what you can while you wait.
Thank you but I have come further. I will write more about that in another post soon.

I hope you don't mind I did some editing for you to make it easier to read. Great biography!
Oh thank you Susan!
Yes I appreciate your edits, thanks. :)

And to everyone:
Please, if I make any misstakes in my English do not be afraid of telling me or so.
Sure sometimes I'm just tired or there's maybe another reson why I make misstakes. But I'm always keen on learning. I know there where a lot of weird sentences in my first post, I was almost sleeping when I wrote it.  :laugh:

Hugs!

Offline Swedishgirl96

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Re: But my dear, I always wanted a daughter
« Reply #7 on: January 18, 2019, 03:09:31 pm »
So I was waiting from the spring of 2017 to the spring of 2018. There was nothing I could do other than wait.
I walked around on this earth for almost a year with a very wired feeling. Because I had come out to my family and friends and I had taken steps towards beginning my medical transition journey. But the Swedish healthcare system could not receive me due to the long waiting times for treatment. Guess if I became critical of this system? Everyday I checked my mail as soon as I came home to see if there was a letter from my gender identity clinic. So many days I came home just to discover that no, not today and not yet. It was not my turn.

But one day in march 2018 a letter from my gender identity clinic in Stockholm arrived. In the letter they wrote that they had made an appointment for me in April and gave me time and place and the name of the doctor that I were to met. I was so happy that day when I received that letter and I immediately booked a train ticket to Stockholm. I made sure to arrive in Stockholm way early so that I would not be able to miss my appointment due to traffic or anything else. It was a magic journey to Stockholm and for me it was very symbolic. I felt that it starts now. My journey towards becoming me. My authentic and true me.

It was the 12 of April 2018 that I had my first appointment. It was still quite cold outside and I was very nervous that day. I chained smoked cigarettes more or less the entire day. Took the subway to Anova which is a part of Karolinska University Hospital in Stockholm. I stepped in to the reception and went to the waiting room. The waiting there felt so long and I was looking all around in this to me completely new environment. I did not know what was going to happen or who I would meet. Eventually a doctor came and called my name.

I entered the doctors office. We sat down and she greeted me welcome. I was very nervous but also very exited. I had waited so long for this and now it was finally starting. My doctor asked me to tell about myself and why I was there and so on. So I told her about my life and my feelings and why I was there. She took notes all the time and listen carefully.
At the end she told me that to her it sounded like my case was pretty easy and that I would most probably get the diagnosis transgender but that they needed to make a standard medical assessment. A team of a doctor, a psychologist and a psychiatrist. They interviewed me and had forms that I answered. They all thought that my case was pretty easy.


I meet my psychologist the first time in June 2016. Next time I met her she had already brought my case to a team conference with the other specialists and they made a decision that they were of the opinion that I was transgender and that they would let me begin medical treatment. So I had another meeting with my doctor and received the diagnosis transsexual. This was my ticket for medical treatment and they started to send referrals for all sorts of things. I got referrals for removing unwanted hair, for hormone replacement therapy, for fertility-preserving treatment, for trach shave surgery, speech therapist and for breast and genital surgery.

When I stepped out of my doctors office that day I felt like I was walking on clouds. I was so euphoric and it was a beautiful day in august. I lighted a cigarette and felt that I just loved life while I walked on the streets of Stockholm.

I had to wait until the beginning of november when I had my first meeting whit my endocrinologist. I had already made some blood tests and we discussed my results and my hrt plan. Then I booked appointments for freezing. Two appointments a week apart. That was not the funniest thing I have done to say the least. But I felt it was kind of nice to have it done if I would want any biological children in the future. I don't know what will happen.

Anyway on december 12th of 2018 I stoped smoking. The 13th I putted on my first estrogen patch and on the 14th I had my first shot of triptorelin (T-blocker). After a couple of days I got such a warm feeling in my body. I felt really alive for the first time in my life. Now there where actually real changes going on in my body even if they are slow. That was a magical feeling. I could wake up in the middle of the night and just cry out of happiness. And then fall asleep again. A new era in my life had begun. My transition.

In november I also had an appointment with a ear, nose and throat doctor. He made an medical examination of me and putted a camera through my nose and down in my throat to show me my vocal cords. This doctor will perform my teach shave some time during the spring of 2019. I'm looking forward to it.

Also I had my first appointment for laser removal of my facial hair. It hurt like hell but I was still so happy about it! I got the tip from my nurse to use paracetamol and/or cream for lowering the pain. But I have not tried that so far but I'm looking forward to trying it.

Offline barbie

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Re: But my dear, I always wanted a daughter
« Reply #8 on: January 18, 2019, 06:32:10 pm »
I also always wanted a daughter, and fortunately I got one at my age of 40 when my two sons were in elementary school. My daughter is cute and pretty, but her behavior is like aggressive boys, preferring martial arts and military songs than dancing. One day she said she should have been born as a boy, and all mishaps to her happen because she was born as a girl. Nevertheless, she is very interested in my beauty and fashion items, touching and trying everything at my room.
Just do it.

Offline Jaime320

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Re: But my dear, I always wanted a daughter
« Reply #9 on: January 18, 2019, 09:30:05 pm »
Wow you have come a long way already. That wait must have been brutal. Loved the song. Reminded me of some 80s music vids.

Offline Chaerlie Bjerkenstök

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Re: But my dear, I always wanted a daughter
« Reply #10 on: January 18, 2019, 10:58:50 pm »
Been waiting/trying to find someone willing to help me transition for over 4 years now. It hasn't been an enjoyable experience so far......

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Offline Chaerlie Bjerkenstök

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Re: But my dear, I always wanted a daughter
« Reply #11 on: January 18, 2019, 11:12:30 pm »
Been waiting/trying to find someone willing to help me transition for over 4 years now. It hasn't been an enjoyable experience so far......

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My <not allowed> financial state is probably the biggest hurdle. Here you have to get very expensive psychological councilling, which I can't afford, in order to begin the process. Then they may refer you to a psychiatrist, who, as an actual medical professional can then refer me to and endocrinologist. But gender dysphoria is not considered to be a medical condition here so there's no insurance to cover the costs and a great many of the medical profession won't see me on that basis.

Some days I just want to get hit by a bus and die.
If I do anything stupid enough to involve the police out of frustration, I'd get thrown into our very transphobic prison system with hardened male criminal and left to try to fend for myself. Needless to say, I'm too beautiful for prison.
I'd never walk out alive. Only come out in a pine box, and then only after every one so inclined had their way with this disgusting body that I'm cursed with.

Walking the tightrope every day gets to be so very tiresome.

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Offline Ely-chan

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Re: But my dear, I always wanted a daughter
« Reply #12 on: January 19, 2019, 12:05:34 am »
hey!!! Congratz!!!
this is a big step in your live,
thanks for share it with us

Hugs, Bye

Offline Swedishgirl96

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Re: But my dear, I always wanted a daughter
« Reply #13 on: February 04, 2019, 01:49:59 pm »
Today I had my second appointment for laser hair removal. It's been way longer than it should have been. I did not really understand why but somehow they have been quite busy/short of staff at the laser unit at my local hospital. Could be that someone in the staff are on parental leave or something. Anyway I was told that the next appointment will be in 4 to 6 weeks so I hope they will fulfill that this time.

The treatment did not hurt as much as last time. Actually it was quite okay. I took two paracetamol pills before the treatment, I don't know if that did the big difference but I was advised that by my nurse. The nurse told me that usually part of the process is to raise the power of the laser for each treatment. But since I thought it was so painful last time and had some red/irritated skin for like 2 weeks she decided to not raise the effect anymore than last time. Afterwards I went candy shopping haha! To give myself a little reward.

I have also changed my name legally. It was a smooth process. Just sent in the name change form at the Swedish tax authority's webpage and a couple of weeks later I received a letter from them with a confirmation of my name change.

I am still smoke free, on Wednesday for 2 months. I usually feel okay and don't think about cigarettes/vape anymore. But sometimes I do. Once or twice a week when I get sad/really dysphoric and feel that I have wasted so far like 20 years of life living in pain, shame and sorrow before being me. That can hurt so much so I just want to run and buy a pack of smokes. Sometimes all I see and hear is pain.
But baby I'm a fighter.


Offline Swedishgirl96

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Re: But my dear, I always wanted a daughter
« Reply #14 on: February 04, 2019, 01:58:58 pm »
I also always wanted a daughter, and fortunately I got one at my age of 40 when my two sons were in elementary school. My daughter is cute and pretty, but her behavior is like aggressive boys, preferring martial arts and military songs than dancing. One day she said she should have been born as a boy, and all mishaps to her happen because she was born as a girl. Nevertheless, she is very interested in my beauty and fashion items, touching and trying everything at my room.
So it's a boy then :)

Wow you have come a long way already. That wait must have been brutal. Loved the song. Reminded me of some 80s music vids.
Oh it was and I avoid thinking back, the future is way brighter.
I'm glad you enjoyed the song :)

My <not allowed> financial state is probably the biggest hurdle. Here you have to get very expensive psychological councilling, which I can't afford, in order to begin the process. Then they may refer you to a psychiatrist, who, as an actual medical professional can then refer me to and endocrinologist. But gender dysphoria is not considered to be a medical condition here so there's no insurance to cover the costs and a great many of the medical profession won't see me on that basis.

Some days I just want to get hit by a bus and die.
If I do anything stupid enough to involve the police out of frustration, I'd get thrown into our very transphobic prison system with hardened male criminal and left to try to fend for myself. Needless to say, I'm too beautiful for prison.
I'd never walk out alive. Only come out in a pine box, and then only after every one so inclined had their way with this disgusting body that I'm cursed with.

Walking the tightrope every day gets to be so very tiresome.

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Oh honey! Where do you live? Where are things like that? I feel so for you <3
I hope things will get better. Sometimes life takes new unexpected turns.

hey!!! Congratz!!!
this is a big step in your live,
thanks for share it with us

Hugs, Bye
Thank you so much! :)

Offline Swedishgirl96

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Re: But my dear, I always wanted a daughter
« Reply #15 on: February 24, 2019, 02:32:23 am »
Now I'm sitting with a cup of tea in my bed and a letter in my other hand. I am in a place in my life where I am so happy and curious and joyful. It is approaching 8 degrees celsius outside and the sun is shining. Spring har arrived. Life is good.

The letter I have received is from my surgeon. I will meet him in the middle of march at Linköping university hospital. I am soo looking forward to it!

Offline Jaime320

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Re: But my dear, I always wanted a daughter
« Reply #16 on: February 25, 2019, 10:20:59 am »
You weren’t kidding about once it starts it goes quick. Good luck.

Offline Swedishgirl96

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Re: But my dear, I always wanted a daughter
« Reply #17 on: February 25, 2019, 01:14:07 pm »
You weren’t kidding about once it starts it goes quick. Good luck.
Well it's just a first meeting. I will meet the surgeon and we will talk about what will happen and such. But for me it's a big step. :)

Offline Swedishgirl96

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Re: But my dear, I always wanted a daughter
« Reply #18 on: July 13, 2019, 02:06:02 pm »
So now I have been on hrt for around 7 months. It is emotional and I have thought about writing some more about my journey. So here we go.

I still have quite an androgynous body and looks, but I starting to see some results from the hormones. Every step, every little success makes me euphoric. I have had days when I have just cried when I have thought about my life and my journey. Eventhough I have come a long way, I still struggle with my self-esteem. I still struggle with respecting myself and loving myself. I have never been good at treating myself kindly. I have had a war in my mind and to some extent I still have. I have no hesitation about my transition but I have an hesitation about life, about my life.

It is like I just have this happy personality and a sad soul. Some things are rotted deep in ones personality and take a lot of work to change. And I work hard. Because one day I want to break free. That day will come, I just can feel it somewhere inside of me.

I have picked up smoking again. Well I don't smoke every day now as I used to. But I smoke from time to time. When the summer is over I will quit this bad habit again.

 
My friends and colleges have all been very supportive and cool about my transition. It feels like society makes progress even tough there is a lot of <not allowed> going on in this world.

My grandmother even said: We love you. And those who have a problem with who you are, they are not our friends anymore!

Sure once or twice people have looked at my on the streets but I don't care about that, maybe they just think I'm cute <3

I don't have much spare time right now due to work and school. I also read a lot right now. So my days goes by quite fast.

Anyways I have continued laser treatment and it has given som very nice results. But since they turn up the laser (making it stronger) for every appointment it still hurts like crazy, especially above my lips. Well it is not like the first time but it is not pleasant.

I have had some meetings with my speech therapist and I had quite an androgynous voice from the beginning but you could. still hear a "boy" when I talked. I really enjoy my speech therapist appointments and my speech therapist. I have gotten some exercises that I practice and I really enjoy it. Actually hearing myself speak so feminine makes me overwhelmed, I just laugh and cry, it gets so intense!

I was in Linköping in March, meet my surgen for srs, but the surgery is still far away. It was just a first meeting to establish contact and for me to be able to ask questions and get more information about the procedure.

I almost had my trach shave surgery in April, but it was cancelled in the last minute due to staff shortage at the clinic. Apparently a lot of the doctors and nurses had got sick. I will have my trach shave surgery in a ear, nose, and throat clinic. The clinic prioritize like cancer patients and such before me. So they wanted to send me to Stockholm instead for operation there, but it didn't fit my schedule. Let me tell you that the clinics are not very flexible about making appointments around here. Anyways the operation date has been postpone until later. Maybe it will happen the coming winter.

Life goes on.

Offline barbie

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Re: But my dear, I always wanted a daughter
« Reply #19 on: July 13, 2019, 02:23:48 pm »
Yes. Everybody is unique, and his/her pathway of life differs with others. It is the same for both cis- and transgender people. Everybody has his/her own challenges. Enjoy your journey, and take care.

barbie~~
Just do it.

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