Topic: But my dear, I always wanted a daughter

[Swedishgirl96]

Yes. Everybody is unique, and his/her pathway of life differs with others. It is the same for both cis- and transgender people. Everybody has his/her own challenges. Enjoy your journey, and take care.

barbie~~

So true, thank you for your kind words.

[Chaerlie Bjerkenstök]

Well, it's been a whirlwind two weeks ladies, but two weeks ago I got in to see a Dr Rogers, well known here in Perth for his work with TG people. He prefers the term Hormone Deficient....though this is evidently not all that true in my case - more on that in a bit.....So I get called into his room and he takes one look at me and says ' Oh you poor thing, we really need to fix this, don't we?'
All I can do is just nod and try not to burst out crying.

Now, I have a fairly feminised body and gynecomastia, so I've got this weird mix of male and female characteristics. I'm built like a tank at 6ft/95kg......but a tank with hips wider than my  waistline and only slightly smaller than my shoulders, you know hourglass.....ish. And I'm a 14b/c bra size too. He asked me if I was in any medications, particularly hormonal, to which I answered no, never have been at any point in my life.

He's like....You were just meant to be female, weren't you? Well let's get this sorted out as quick as we can, shall we?

By now, I am tearing up, but trying to not get to that ugly crying point....you know, like when your nose runs and you start springing uncontrollable leaks from all your face holes, lol.
He says at one point, 'So when are you going to change your name?'
I'm still trying to get my composure back. Laughing nervously I answered 'One thing at a time just now please' and went quiet whilst he typed stuff into his computer.
He looks up at me and asks if I'm excited.  I said yes I was, it's just that I don't give much away on the outside usually.
(Not until I know and feel comfortable around someone)
He ordered a whole bunch of tests and I thanked him, went out and upstairs to pathology (conveniently). Had my blood drawn and left to go to work.

Went back the following Friday for my results, which were all good but for a couple of things.....The first being that I am somehow producing both E and T at normal adult levels.......for both hormones, though the T is slightly high!!!

<I don't understand>?

So he's now bent on finding out why this is the case. Stay tuned...

Then he tells me that I have to quit smoking (I expected this) and lose weight (also expected......*sigh*....) and now I have to go for a fasting blood sugar level test....well ok then.

BUT..... He also prescribed me Anti Androgens as well! WOOHOO!!

I can start taking them as soon as I finish the blood sugar test.

I'm finally on my way!

It's going to be interesting to see if I'll even need any additional E or whether my own body will still make enough of it once my T levels are sufficiently lowered.

So now I am going to try to quit smoking again.

I quit for quite a few years once before......I can do it again....
I have to....for her to become that same woman in the mirror that she is in my soul.

No pressure!  Hahaha. Give me strength!

God help me!  :-)



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[Lexxi]

Hi Chaerlie,

Glad to hear that you're producing high levels of estrogen and don't have to take it. I wonder if you're intersex. That might explain why you're producing such high levels of both T and E. You'd have to have a very expensive genetics test run to prove if you're intersex though.

As for smoking ask your doctor to get you a prescription for Chantix. The first week you're on it you can smoke like normal, but you have to set a quit date after that. I started on it a little over a week ago.

My original quit date was Wednesday, but I had to move it out because I still had cigarettes left. So my new quit date was yesterday. I have to say it hasn't been that bad. I knew I'd want to snack on all kinds of stuff, so I went out and bought a big bag of seedless grapes. Those have worked well...until I ran out. Then I went out and bought 4 more pounds of them, but I'm trying not to eat as many this time.

I also have an old e-cigarette that doesn't work, and I've been using it as a defacto cigarette and that's kept my hands busy. They say it's really important for those of us who are transitioning to quit smoking because supposedly the nicotine cuts down on the feminizing effects of estrogen. I don't know if that's really true or just something they say to make people quit smoking, but I'm going to quit because I don't want to take the chance that I'll stunt my feminization.

Good luck to you!!

Lexxi

[Chaerlie Bjerkenstök]

Hi Lexxi, I'm going to be starting on the Champix today.
My doctor is very insistent about quitting the ciggies, not because of  the reductive effect on Estrogens feminising powers but more because of the interaction that dramatically increases the risk of blood clotting related things like Deep Vein Thrombosis.
He said that if I were to ever develop such an affliction that he would then no longer be able to prescribe me HRT at all ever again. 
I really don't want that at all.
He never mentioned the possibility of it reducing E's effects. That's even more incentive then because I need all the help I can get in that department!
 Even though my body passes as feminine( I get misgendered a lot from behind....guess it's long hair and generally non masculine body shape I have), my face most definitely does not!
I got me a serious case of man face!

Only time will tell I guess.

There's always hope.

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[Lexxi]

Hi Chaerlie,

I just wanted to let you know that the Chantix has been a miracle drug. I haven't had any real cravings at all. The hardest part has been getting out of the habit of lighting one up when I jump in my truck. I used to run deliveries as part of my job, and every time I'd get in my truck I'd light up so I could finish it before I got to my next stop.

Even though I haven't made deliveries to anyone in over 20 years, that habit has never left me. Now that I don't smoke anymore, I found it hard to jump in and just go without lighting up. Now I wouldn't call that a craving...it's just breaking a habit. My broken e-cigarette has filled in nicely though.

So when you get to your stopping point maybe have something on hand that you can use to keep your hands busy. I started out with a straw that I cut down but it was too wide open when I'd take a draw off of it. So I put some kleenex in it to slow the air flow, and it ended up feeling like I was taking a draw off a cigarette. That actually worked better than the broken e-cig. I haven't used either of them in 2 days though, so I really think I got this habit kicked.

I thought of another good reason for you to quit. If you ever want to have GCS they won't operate on you if you smoke. At least the surgeons I looked into wouldn't do it. Maybe that'll give you that little bit of extra motivation. 

Good luck on kicking that habit!!! The Chantix really should make it easy to do.

xoxo
Lexxi

[Chaerlie Bjerkenstök]

Well, it's been a while....and the proverbial wrench has been thrown into the works. Everything has ground to a halt and I've been taken off of the T blockers for the time being at least, because it would appear that I have diabetes to contend with now.

For the love of God, give me a break!

Add to that the fact my car has had a work order slapped on it because the Autogas tank is out of date (needs to be tested and certified every 10 years) and I'm looking bankruptcy squarely in the face now, as without a car, I can't work.

That's the 3rd car in a row they've done this to me now.

There's a part of me that wants to fill that car up with LPG and petrol (dual fuel), park it right outside a police station, light that <not allowed> on fire, and just walk away. Another part of me would like to make sure all the entry/exit points are barricaded shut and doused in petrol to make damn sure no one gets out.

  *sigh*

Of course, I could never actually do that. But damn it, I'm so pissed off with them right now, along with the universe at large.
This world proves again and again how much it hates me.....At...Every.....Bloody....Opportunity.....It......Can!

Well, screw you universe! You're going to have to try harder than that you <vagina>! Come at me!  Lol.

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[Swedishgirl96]

Its has been around a year since I stoped smoking cigarettes now and 10 months since started hrt.

I have been so thank full every day since I started hrt. My body changes a little bit more for each day and I love it.

I have gotten quite curious on the science on gender, identity and gender dysphoria and I am trying to find good books on the subject but that's seems quite hard.

I think a lot about life, my transition and everything. I still don't have any doubts about my transition. I know who I am and I have know that since I was a small child. It's dangerous to stop and think about all the years wasted, knowing and suffering but being to broken down to being able to act, it just hurts so much to remember.

I don't believe in god but if there is a god I will never forget him/her for screwing things up so much.

[jessica95]

Good to hear it goes well using HRT. You write good posts

[Swedishgirl96]

Earlier this week I had a final meeting with my psychiatrist in my medical team.

I was in a happy state. She would listen to me for the last time.

She ended our meeting with proposing that she would set up a meeting and at that meeting we would write THE application to the "The National Board of Health and Welfare" to change my legal gender and to get permission to do my bottom surgery.

Tears fell down from eyes. Happy tears. Gosh I just got overwhelmed.

[davina61]

Good to hear you are doing well

[noleen111]

Wow what a story, I am glad you are doing well.

Smoking is an evil habit and once that nicotine addiction hits its hard to get away, I smoked for about 11 years, which 9 was as a full time smoker ("needed" to smoke everyday), I quit about a year ago for the second time, after a medical scare. It was hard and I got a lot of cravings, but I got through it.

What was different about me, I started smoking after female journey began, quit for first time briefly (about two months) when I had SRS,but the cravings got to much and started again.

Anyways off topic

I am glad your mother accepted her new daughter with open arms.. I have a similar story when it comes to parent acceptance.  My father did not accept the fact his son was a girl, my mother kinda backed her husband. He passed away without ever accepting his daughter. I was basically disowned.  Some time after his death, my mother reached out to me (by now was about 2 years on hormones already), we started talking and after a while reconciled.

I learned, that she felt guilty over my issues with my gender, as when she was pregnant with me, she really wanted a girl. She was scared this affected me somehow.

Now we have a close mother daughter relationship, she tells me she loves having a daughter. When she married my step father, i was even a bridesmaid with my two step sisters. My step father and 3 step siblings (2 step sisters and a step brother) (I am my mothers only child), dont actually know I am trans or was born a boy.. By the time they came into our lives, I was already post op. I am not that open about my past. Only my female Bff, my husband and my mother know that I was born a boy.

I am was glad my mother was there on my wedding day (my something borrowed was her pearl necklace, she actually wore it on both her wedding days and my step father walked me down the isle. She actually told me, when she was helping me get ready, that when I was born she never in her wildest dreams did she think, that she would be helping me put on a wedding dress on my wedding day.. but she was proud of me and loved me. I told her to stop, as I did not want to cry and ruin my makeup.

[barbie]

Congrats!

barbie~~

[Swedishgirl96]

So I received a letter in the mail. It's from The national board of health and welfare and its a conformation of my application to legacy change my name and to get permission for the bottom surgery. I got told by a psychiatrist that it can take around 5 months for them to make a decision. Gossssh they are slow. Well well, I try to celebrate every small progress.

[Swedishgirl96]

Wow what a story, I am glad you are doing well.

Smoking is an evil habit and once that nicotine addiction hits its hard to get away, I smoked for about 11 years, which 9 was as a full time smoker ("needed" to smoke everyday), I quit about a year ago for the second time, after a medical scare. It was hard and I got a lot of cravings, but I got through it.

What was different about me, I started smoking after female journey began, quit for first time briefly (about two months) when I had SRS,but the cravings got to much and started again.

Anyways off topic

I am glad your mother accepted her new daughter with open arms.. I have a similar story when it comes to parent acceptance.  My father did not accept the fact his son was a girl, my mother kinda backed her husband. He passed away without ever accepting his daughter. I was basically disowned.  Some time after his death, my mother reached out to me (by now was about 2 years on hormones already), we started talking and after a while reconciled.

I learned, that she felt guilty over my issues with my gender, as when she was pregnant with me, she really wanted a girl. She was scared this affected me somehow.

Now we have a close mother daughter relationship, she tells me she loves having a daughter. When she married my step father, i was even a bridesmaid with my two step sisters. My step father and 3 step siblings (2 step sisters and a step brother) (I am my mothers only child), dont actually know I am trans or was born a boy.. By the time they came into our lives, I was already post op. I am not that open about my past. Only my female Bff, my husband and my mother know that I was born a boy.

I am was glad my mother was there on my wedding day (my something borrowed was her pearl necklace, she actually wore it on both her wedding days and my step father walked me down the isle. She actually told me, when she was helping me get ready, that when I was born she never in her wildest dreams did she think, that she would be helping me put on a wedding dress on my wedding day.. but she was proud of me and loved me. I told her to stop, as I did not want to cry and ruin my makeup.

well I actually love smoking but choosing between hrt and smoking there is actually no choice.

I'm sorry about your father! But I'm happy that your relationship with your mother turned around for the better. Actually I also started to cry when I read your post. Such a sweet mother you have! Lots of love! <3

Congrats!

barbie~~

Thank you barbie

[davina61]

Progress and good news, I did wonder how you were doing.