Author Topic: Darn Endocrinologist  (Read 19001 times)

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Offline RandiL

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Re: Darn Endocrinologist
« Reply #320 on: April 07, 2021, 04:18:46 pm »


... Most of the time it feels like my voice is still rumbling deep down in my belly.
...
I try to remember that everybody's voice sounds different to themselves than to everybody else. It's the classic (maybe more to old people like me) of the first time you hear a recording of yourself and you think the microphone was bad. But no, everybody else says it's really your voice.

In our own heads I think (hope) we hear much deeper resonance than people who are not inside our heads hear. I'm not discussing the other voices in there.

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My HRT thread: Randi's HRT Journal


Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Darn Endocrinologist
« Reply #321 on: April 07, 2021, 07:15:27 pm »
I believe I’d use it all and probably be hooked for life.

... and never want it any other way!   ;D
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess


Introductory Post: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,242617.msg2196235.html

Whiny HRT and Transition Blog: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,244163.msg2217618.html

Spironolactone January 10 2019
Divigel January 20 2019
Estradiol Valerate March 14 2019

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Darn Endocrinologist
« Reply #322 on: April 10, 2021, 08:12:52 am »
I believe I’d use it all and probably be hooked for life.

... and never want it any other way!   ;D




*** Added one day later

And, as it happens, today is Estrogen Thursday, and I'm blissing out like usual  :D :D :D

Who honestly knows if my body had been aching for the stuff all those long, sad years? Endo says that once his trans patients get on the right treatment, it's as though a caul lifts from their souls. Malevolent depressions begin to resolve. Light creeps in.

Doesn't mean that it's the hormones. I suspect it most likely that they're finally shedding their old selves and moving forward with their truths. But even so, my goodness! E so soothes the face of the deep.

Talked to Pdoc today, and we realized we hadn't seen each other in three months. In times past I generally haven't been able to go without checking in for more than four weeks. Prolly wouldn't even have called her this time, but my Unhappy Pills were running out.

Pdoc mentioned how resolved I've become. Yeah, I replied, I'm out to everyone. Socially, professionally. Too late not to be. Changed my LinkedIn profile once I realized there was no way I could deliver the Former Person anymore. False advertising. Most almost everyone has been cool with it, and when anyone gives me guff, I just grin at them.

"No, that's not it," she says. "I don't mean you've come to terms with your transition, or that you've stopped fighting or worrying about it. I mean that when we first got together all those years ago, I could see that you were just trying to keep going."

It's true. My main goal back then was to make it long enough to get the younger kid established in college. The restrictive clauses in my life insurance policies would have expired by then and I could have found a time and place of my own choosing. Main problem was that I didn't think I had any hope of getting that far. Each day was one trudge after another. I was a creaking machine held together by habit and momentum, burning oil and billowing black smoke.

Pdoc goes on, "You're not forcing yourself to talk. The pain in everything you say about your life isn't there. I don't taste the bitterness like I used to."

Far out. I still have a sordid history I wish I didn't, I still feel plenty of pain, and I'm still a crabby old broad. Same curmudgeon, new wrapping paper. But yeah, she's right. Every day is not a trudge. I don't need to hide from the world or self-isolate all the time. I like my wrapping paper now. I'm happy being me.

Whaddaya know.
« Last Edit: April 11, 2021, 03:45:13 pm by Battle Goddess »
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess


Introductory Post: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,242617.msg2196235.html

Whiny HRT and Transition Blog: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,244163.msg2217618.html

Spironolactone January 10 2019
Divigel January 20 2019
Estradiol Valerate March 14 2019

Offline RandiL

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Re: Darn Endocrinologist
« Reply #323 on: April 10, 2021, 12:54:31 pm »
BG, I'm so glad you've been able to resolve the conflict in your soul. Your recent postings show this, with a more optimistic tone.

It's it time for the Battle to become something else? I still like to tweak the Goddess from time to time however

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Forging my new, best life as Randi

My personal blog thread: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last

My HRT thread: Randi's HRT Journal


Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Darn Endocrinologist
« Reply #324 on: April 11, 2021, 02:22:00 pm »
BG, I'm so glad you've been able to resolve the conflict in your soul. Your recent postings show this, with a more optimistic tone....

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Nice to hear. :) Thank you.

This is not to discount your words of encouragement, but to give some perspective on my moods: it's also the vernal equinox. From now until summer's solstice is my happiest time of year. I breathe the strengthening sun. It fills me with a surfeit of light.

Mood disorders can be uncomfortably sensitive to light. Y'all may have heard of Seasonal Affective Disorder, commonly known as SAD syndrome, where some people get distressingly blue during the darkest times of year. I get hit with it a little bit, but not as badly as some. Me, I am struck by sunlight. It's the best, most powerful antidepressant I have, but sometimes it works too hard. The myth of Icarus trapped in his lust for ever more of its baleful ecstasy is a fair metaphor.

Even looking back at this last paragraph, you can see many of the signs: high-falutin' language, classical allusions, obscure puns, poetic contrapositions. When you start seeing six-word alliterations, you'll know I'm really off my nut.  :o

That's why bipolar disorder can be so vexing. It's a murderous thing. We kill ourselves at an alarming rate. As a Mentally Interesting transgender person with addiction issues, I have a pretty good idea of how I'm going to die. I'm resolved to that, and you gotta die of something, anyway.

No, the vexing thing about bipolar disorder is that it ain't all bad. It can feel glorious like nothing else can. Lots of us go off our meds because the pills cut off access to the highs as well as the lows. There's a line in Marlowe's Faustus where Mephistopheles the fallen angel says he carries Hell with him wherever he goes because he has tasted the eternal joys of Heaven, but now he can never go back.

I dunno. We're allowed access to an aspect of the human experience that few people will ever know, and it comes with its joys as well as its miseries. The thing that can hurt the most is that often you can't survive with it, but sometimes you don't want to live without it.


It's it time for the Battle to become something else? I still like to tweak the Goddess from time to time however

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

My battles are manifold and multiform. Your tweaks, madame, land as naught but love taps happily and gratefully received.
« Last Edit: April 11, 2021, 03:48:23 pm by Battle Goddess »
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess


Introductory Post: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,242617.msg2196235.html

Whiny HRT and Transition Blog: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,244163.msg2217618.html

Spironolactone January 10 2019
Divigel January 20 2019
Estradiol Valerate March 14 2019

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Darn Endocrinologist
« Reply #325 on: April 11, 2021, 03:44:28 pm »

It's it time for the Battle to become something else?

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Speaking of battles, I gathered my courage today and put a recent photo of myself in my LinkedIn profile, which I actively use for business and to keep in touch with professional contacts. I fixed my name a while ago but hadn't put up a new picture - only took down the old one and changed the background to trans flag colors.

I'd been using the excuses of "I don't have a nice, professional-looking photo. They're all from somewhere in my cluttered house" and "all my pictures are so unflattering" and "Geez, I hate putting myself out on social media."

Well, nuts. I did have a pretty photo from the day I went to renew my license. LinkedIn makes you crop so much just to fit your face on the page that the background wasn't an issue. And... well... it was really only fear that was keeping me from doing it. Nothing else.

The heck with that. Too late for fear now. And what, specifically, was I supposed to be afraid of? I yam what I yam, saith the philosopher, and my name is Battle Goddess, and I look how I look, and I got nobody else to be. I can be as afraid as I want to be for all the good it'll do me. I had been at a spot on the path where I felt like resting for a little while, but it was time to be moving forward.

I wonder why this was such a big deal for me? Certainly the "photograph on social media" is a biggie. Up until now I've been able to keep myself out of that maelstrom. It was going to happen sooner or later, but still, blecch. My interwebz virginity, gone.

Kinda also feels like it was the last place I wasn't fully Out. As in, I've been telling people individually and piecemeal, but they've been the folks I've been comfortable telling. I'm Out in public anytime I leave the house, but most people don't even recognize me anymore what with my new mannerisms, new clothes, makeup, dyed (long) hair, and my face half-covered. Why should they? I'm a palimpsest, effectively anonymous.

Now I'm searchable. One of my eldest's friends looked me up on LinkedIn and asked how I'm doing. "Well," I wrote back, "life is full of transitions..."

She sent me back a smiley face.
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess


Introductory Post: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,242617.msg2196235.html

Whiny HRT and Transition Blog: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,244163.msg2217618.html

Spironolactone January 10 2019
Divigel January 20 2019
Estradiol Valerate March 14 2019

Offline Pammie

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Re: Darn Endocrinologist
« Reply #326 on: April 11, 2021, 05:10:11 pm »
Speaking of battles, I gathered my courage today and put a recent photo of myself in my LinkedIn profile, which I actively use for business and to keep in touch with professional contacts. I fixed my name a while ago but hadn't put up a new picture - only took down the old one and changed the background to trans flag colors.

I'd been using the excuses of "I don't have a nice, professional-looking photo. They're all from somewhere in my cluttered house" and "all my pictures are so unflattering" and "Geez, I hate putting myself out on social media."

Well, nuts. I did have a pretty photo from the day I went to renew my license. LinkedIn makes you crop so much just to fit your face on the page that the background wasn't an issue. And... well... it was really only fear that was keeping me from doing it. Nothing else.

The heck with that. Too late for fear now. And what, specifically, was I supposed to be afraid of? I yam what I yam, saith the philosopher, and my name is Battle Goddess, and I look how I look, and I got nobody else to be. I can be as afraid as I want to be for all the good it'll do me. I had been at a spot on the path where I felt like resting for a little while, but it was time to be moving forward.

I wonder why this was such a big deal for me? Certainly the "photograph on social media" is a biggie. Up until now I've been able to keep myself out of that maelstrom. It was going to happen sooner or later, but still, blecch. My interwebz virginity, gone.

Kinda also feels like it was the last place I wasn't fully Out. As in, I've been telling people individually and piecemeal, but they've been the folks I've been comfortable telling. I'm Out in public anytime I leave the house, but most people don't even recognize me anymore what with my new mannerisms, new clothes, makeup, dyed (long) hair, and my face half-covered. Why should they? I'm a palimpsest, effectively anonymous.

Now I'm searchable. One of my eldest's friends looked me up on LinkedIn and asked how I'm doing. "Well," I wrote back, "life is full of transitions..."

She sent me back a smiley face.
I was diagnosed bi-polar though I believe im more in the cyclothymiac range and haven’t taken my meds for 12 years now. In my case my (then) hidden gender dysphoria was a significant contributory factor which I believe (in retrospect) confused and skewed my diagnosis. All that said there is a bit of me that misses those delicious highs where the world was a kaleidoscope of light suffused with ideas, possibilities and potential and I felt almost immortal. Naturally, I don’t miss those private hell pits the lows took me into.
You have my utmost respect that you function so well my dear BG.
Xx


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Offline RandiL

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Re: Darn Endocrinologist
« Reply #327 on: April 11, 2021, 07:45:53 pm »
My sister in law is bipolar. I totally get wanting to stay in the high phase. She stays up all hours of the night and gets a lot done. The problem for the rest of us is that you can't get a word in edgewise.

BG, your level of discourse is much higher than hers

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My personal blog thread: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last

My HRT thread: Randi's HRT Journal


Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Darn Endocrinologist
« Reply #328 on: April 16, 2021, 10:36:34 am »
My sister in law is bipolar. I totally get wanting to stay in the high phase. She stays up all hours of the night and gets a lot done. The problem for the rest of us is that you can't get a word in edgewise.

BG, your level of discourse is much higher than hers

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk


You only see of me what I choose to display.

This is social media, after all. I have no truck with those carefully curated Facebook and Instagram accounts whose narcisstic pictorial boasting aims to make people jealous of one another. However, the forums here are primarily text-based. They're a honeypot trap for someone like me who prefers rhythm and allusion to image.


So I write and I write. And edit. And edit. And edit, and edit, and edit. "Was this the best turn of phrase?" "Perhaps I might have said that more elegantly." "I know I can slip an obscure literary reference in here if I try hard enough." "Maybe a haiku?" "Hrm... On eighth consideration..." "Oops, that was dumb. Better fix that!" Fifth, sixth, eighteenth drafts. I even find myself revising months-old posts. Human memory continuously rewrites itself, and so does the Battle Goddess.



Speaking of rewrites, yesterday I had my more-or-less semiannual hair color refresh!  :D

Every time for the last few years we've gone more and more red, and it came out better and better every time. I didn't see any reason to stop. As per usual, my gal brought out a bunch of swatches. This time I told her, "Hey, I got nothing to lose. If the wife hates it, that's a sign you've done your usual excellent job. Use your best judgment, crank it up, and let's have some fun!"



Oh... my... goodness...



I got multiple compliments at the grocery store.



The wife hates it with a passion unbridled.



As for me? That's it. I'm done. I've transitioned. I figure that when you look in the mirror and don't know who that pretty gal is, but you know you wish you looked like her, that's when you can be satisfied you've crossed the river for good. This is what I wanted. She's who I wanted. Whatever was left of the Former Person crept out the back way, and sayonara to him.


I feel like the Goddess wanted it this way, too. The new color brilliantly brings out the grey/blue/green in my eyes. The ancients didn't really have words to describe Her eye color very well, but the words sort of come out meaning something like my eyes' color. Often they called Her eyes "shining." Guess I'll have to keep eyedrops at hand.



Sometimes I wonder whether I invoked Her, or that She descended upon me, or even whether She was always there, waiting to manifest. All I know is that every step of the way of this terrifying transgender thing, every crisis, every moment of panic, every fleeting triumph, every screwup, the real Battle Goddess has been there with me, comforting me, shielding me, giving me tools, doling out dopeslaps every time I deserved one. She packs a hearty dopeslap, lemme tellya! Pitiless, searing, merciful dopeslaps.


Least I can do is drop a little glaukoptos on the world in her honor, ne?


Here's some pix. I'll bend my rules and show a bit of face since there's a mask over most of it.



"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess


Introductory Post: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,242617.msg2196235.html

Whiny HRT and Transition Blog: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,244163.msg2217618.html

Spironolactone January 10 2019
Divigel January 20 2019
Estradiol Valerate March 14 2019

Offline Rachel Montgomery

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Re: Darn Endocrinologist
« Reply #329 on: April 16, 2021, 10:11:58 pm »
I like it.  It doesn't look particularly natural, but very attractive.

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Darn Endocrinologist
« Reply #330 on: April 16, 2021, 10:36:19 pm »
The kidlet pointed out that among her, her sister, my sister, and me, I'm the fourth of us to dye my hair red. She wondered why.

"I dunno, kid." I said, "You should ask Grandma Boudicea."
« Last Edit: April 17, 2021, 12:47:08 am by Battle Goddess »
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess


Introductory Post: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,242617.msg2196235.html

Whiny HRT and Transition Blog: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,244163.msg2217618.html

Spironolactone January 10 2019
Divigel January 20 2019
Estradiol Valerate March 14 2019

Offline RandiL

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Re: Darn Endocrinologist
« Reply #331 on: April 17, 2021, 02:00:12 am »
We don't get to see your eyes, but what we do see is stunning. I finally have an image to supplant the one that had formed in my mind's eye. I always like having a face, or something, to go with the names I know here. Thank you BG, and I think you look great. Whenever I think of you henceforth I will see red.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
Forging my new, best life as Randi

My personal blog thread: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last

My HRT thread: Randi's HRT Journal


Offline Pammie

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Re: Darn Endocrinologist
« Reply #332 on: April 18, 2021, 03:56:50 am »

You only see of me what I choose to display.

This is social media, after all. I have no truck with those carefully curated Facebook and Instagram accounts whose narcisstic pictorial boasting aims to make people jealous of one another. However, the forums here are primarily text-based. They're a honeypot trap for someone like me who prefers rhythm and allusion to image.


So I write and I write. And edit. And edit. And edit, and edit, and edit. "Was this the best turn of phrase?" "Perhaps I might have said that more elegantly." "I know I can slip an obscure literary reference in here if I try hard enough." "Maybe a haiku?" "Hrm... On eighth consideration..." "Oops, that was dumb. Better fix that!" Fifth, sixth, eighteenth drafts. I even find myself revising months-old posts. Human memory continuously rewrites itself, and so does the Battle Goddess.



Speaking of rewrites, yesterday I had my more-or-less semiannual hair color refresh!  :D

Every time for the last few years we've gone more and more red, and it came out better and better every time. I didn't see any reason to stop. As per usual, my gal brought out a bunch of swatches. This time I told her, "Hey, I got nothing to lose. If the wife hates it, that's a sign you've done your usual excellent job. Use your best judgment, crank it up, and let's have some fun!"



Oh... my... goodness...



I got multiple compliments at the grocery store.



The wife hates it with a passion unbridled.



As for me? That's it. I'm done. I've transitioned. I figure that when you look in the mirror and don't know who that pretty gal is, but you know you wish you looked like her, that's when you can be satisfied you've crossed the river for good. This is what I wanted. She's who I wanted. Whatever was left of the Former Person crept out the back way, and sayonara to him.


I feel like the Goddess wanted it this way, too. The new color brilliantly brings out the grey/blue/green in my eyes. The ancients didn't really have words to describe Her eye color very well, but the words sort of come out meaning something like my eyes' color. Often they called Her eyes "shining." Guess I'll have to keep eyedrops at hand.



Sometimes I wonder whether I invoked Her, or that She descended upon me, or even whether She was always there, waiting to manifest. All I know is that every step of the way of this terrifying transgender thing, every crisis, every moment of panic, every fleeting triumph, every screwup, the real Battle Goddess has been there with me, comforting me, shielding me, giving me tools, doling out dopeslaps every time I deserved one. She packs a hearty dopeslap, lemme tellya! Pitiless, searing, merciful dopeslaps.


Least I can do is drop a little glaukoptos on the world in her honor, ne?


Here's some pix. I'll bend my rules and show a bit of face since there's a mask over most of it.




I LOVE your hair BG!
I think it’s a shame that you need to present perfection on here when unfiltered is a much more interesting window on the soul.
I tend to write what I feel, sometimes up, sometimes down, sometimes insightful, sometimes (more often) irrelevant dross. I only edit typos
Anyway, critically, I would sooooo love hair like that!


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Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Darn Endocrinologist
« Reply #333 on: April 18, 2021, 07:50:16 am »
I like it.  It doesn't look particularly natural, but very attractive.
Thanks!

Yah, it doesn't exactly seem like a color found in nature, does it? Rather more anime than animal.

It's fashionable among Polish ladies where I live to dye their hair a similar color but brighter and brassier, more of a magenta. Betcha I get pegged for Ukrainian or Ruthenian: a close neighbor but definitively distinct.

Every time I see it in the mirror, I love it more and more. Occurs to me part of this is because I now look nothing like the Former Person. That guy would never have had the guts to do something like this. He'd have been too worried about looking corporate and fitting in, of not distracting from his work with his appearance.

Me? I've shrugged off those fears and kicked away that shell. I'm allowing myself to be who I am, and it's not that guy, and not looking like him feels fantastic.


We don't get to see your eyes, but what we do see is stunning. I finally have an image to supplant the one that had formed in my mind's eye.... Thank you BG, and I think you look great.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk


Thanks, definitely!

However, you do make a girl wonder how ugly you thought she was?


...Whenever I think of you henceforth I will see red.
Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

You ain't the first person I've got all mad at me. Take a ticket and get in line.


I LOVE your hair BG!
I think it’s a shame that you need to present perfection on here when unfiltered is a much more interesting window on the soul.
I tend to write what I feel, sometimes up, sometimes down, sometimes insightful, sometimes (more often) irrelevant dross. I only edit typos
Anyway, critically, I would sooooo love hair like that!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Well, I do try to be truthful in everything I say on here. Y'all have seen me (Seen me? Read me? Delved into me?) at both my lightest and most dark.

There's that line in Vonnegut's Mother Night that goes something like how we have to be careful of who we pretend to be because we always end up becoming that person.

I try not to be anyone other than myself on here for a couple of reasons. In the first place,  even though I've basically known who I am, the details have still been hazy, and blogging has helped me as I work them out. In the second, I know that I am changing and growing ever so rapidly during these times, and I want and need to leave myself an hysterical record to refer back to. Today I'm not who I was two years ago, so I can't today pretend to be who I was back then, but at least I can try to piece together why I'm not.

In all my honest blogging, though, I don't go "warts and all" on you-all. I mostly try to leave my family out of it because they deserve their privacy. I don't go into the shady life I led as a young person or my wacky household growing up and the scars it left. I don't talk about lilacs. All of these are critical to who I am and how I behave now, but they aren't relevant to my transition.

As a side note, I keep harping on my addiction issues and mental health issues because they're so often objects of shaming, derision, and discrimination in our society, and too often they're suffered with in silence and without being addressed.

They shouldn't be. They're issues a person faces, to be sure, and they deserve to be managed, but I want to be a very public example of someone who is unafraid, unabashed, and who unashamedly and actively addresses hers. Anyone can, and everyone should.

It's too much like being trans. There's no shame in it; there's nothing morally or ethically wrong with it; it's neither evil nor a character flaw. And just like being trans, it's a tragedy to do nothing about it.

Thank you, Pammie, for the kind words about my hair! You, too, can have it. Just grow it out for three long years and see my gal at the Ulta down the way.
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess


Introductory Post: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,242617.msg2196235.html

Whiny HRT and Transition Blog: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,244163.msg2217618.html

Spironolactone January 10 2019
Divigel January 20 2019
Estradiol Valerate March 14 2019

Offline Maid Marion

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Re: Darn Endocrinologist
« Reply #334 on: April 18, 2021, 08:06:35 am »
Hi Battle Goddess,

I also think  your hair looks great.

My wife had  her share of mental health demons and was a NAMI recovery group leader.
She also thought I was one of the most well adjusted people she had ever met.   

Marion

Offline RandiL

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Re: Darn Endocrinologist
« Reply #335 on: April 18, 2021, 12:28:02 pm »


...
Every time I see it in the mirror, I love it more and more. Occurs to me part of this is because I now look nothing like the Former Person. That guy would never have had the guts to do something like this. He'd have been too worried about looking corporate and fitting in, of not distracting from his work with his appearance.

Me? I've shrugged off those fears and kicked away that shell. I'm allowing myself to be who I am, and it's not that guy, and not looking like him feels fantastic.
 
Isn't it amazing how we're now willing to do things we'd have never considered before! In my case, once I came out as trans nothing else seems like such a big deal.
However, you do make a girl wonder how ugly you thought she was?
 
Let me just say the "Battle" part of your name dominated my internal vision. Valkyries are not ugly, but they look very different from the beautiful young thing with the red hair that I saw.
You ain't the first person I've got all mad at me. Take a ticket and get in line.
You got that I was joking, I hope. I ended my post on a different line, then thought of this line and had to get out of bed to edit it
There's that line in Vonnegut's Mother Night that goes something like how we have to be careful of who we pretend to be because we always end up becoming that person.

I try not to be anyone other than myself on here for a couple of reasons. In the first place,  even though I've basically known who I am, the details have still been hazy, and blogging has helped me as I work them out. In the second, I know that I am changing and growing ever so rapidly during these times, and I want and need to leave myself an hysterical record to refer back to. Today I'm not who I was two years ago, so I can't today pretend to be who I was back then, but at least I can try to piece together why I'm not.
 
I like the Vonnegut quote. That resonates with me, and the changes I'm undergoing as I leave behind who I used to pretend to be.

My reasons for blogging sound similar to yours. Writing something down helps me to understand it, and the feedback from others is also helpful. I don't know if I'll ever go back and review it, but I always have a fantasy that I will and thus preserving it is a motivator for me. I tried to save old personal emails since the 80s but much has been lost in the transitions between systems and formats.
In all my honest blogging, though, I don't go "warts and all" on you-all. I mostly try to leave my family out of it because they deserve their privacy. I don't go into the shady life I led as a young person or my wacky household growing up and the scars it left. I don't talk about lilacs. All of these are critical to who I am and how I behave now, but they aren't relevant to my transition.

As a side note, I keep harping on my addiction issues and mental health issues because they're so often objects of shaming, derision, and discrimination in our society, and too often they're suffered with in silence and without being addressed.

They shouldn't be. They're issues a person faces, to be sure, and they deserve to be managed, but I want to be a very public example of someone who is unafraid, unabashed, and who unashamedly and actively addresses hers. Anyone can, and everyone should.

It's too much like being trans. There's no shame in it; there's nothing morally or ethically wrong with it; it's neither evil nor a character flaw. And just like being trans, it's a tragedy to do nothing about it.

Thank you, Pammie, for the kind words about my hair! You, too, can have it. Just grow it out for three long years and see my gal at the Ulta down the way.
I do go warts and all in my own blog. For me I think all of this applies to my transition as well as my evolving state of being. My own blog is about more than just my transition, although that does take center stage here on Susan's.

Being publicly out has been important to me. I get validation from seeing myself reflected back in how others see me. Sounds weird or narcissistic, I know. I think it's part of my social identity, and I'm also proud to be who I am. I want to show myself to the world.

I'm working on the hair but there will always be a problem atop my head. I love yours and I'm glad you're enjoying it.

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Forging my new, best life as Randi

My personal blog thread: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last

My HRT thread: Randi's HRT Journal


Offline Pammie

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Re: Darn Endocrinologist
« Reply #336 on: April 18, 2021, 01:23:53 pm »
Isn't it amazing how we're now willing to do things we'd have never considered before! In my case, once I came out as trans nothing else seems like such a big deal.Let me just say the "Battle" part of your name dominated my internal vision. Valkyries are not ugly, but they look very different from the beautiful young thing with the red hair that I saw.You got that I was joking, I hope. I ended my post on a different line, then thought of this line and had to get out of bed to edit it I like the Vonnegut quote. That resonates with me, and the changes I'm undergoing as I leave behind who I used to pretend to be.

My reasons for blogging sound similar to yours. Writing something down helps me to understand it, and the feedback from others is also helpful. I don't know if I'll ever go back and review it, but I always have a fantasy that I will and thus preserving it is a motivator for me. I tried to save old personal emails since the 80s but much has been lost in the transitions between systems and formats.I do go warts and all in my own blog. For me I think all of this applies to my transition as well as my evolving state of being. My own blog is about more than just my transition, although that does take center stage here on Susan's.

Being publicly out has been important to me. I get validation from seeing myself reflected back in how others see me. Sounds weird or narcissistic, I know. I think it's part of my social identity, and I'm also proud to be who I am. I want to show myself to the world.

I'm working on the hair but there will always be a problem atop my head. I love yours and I'm glad you're enjoying it.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
It’s interesting isn’t it. Our motivation, our intent, our style all reflect perhaps our internal state and our status on our journey. My blog is basically just my thoughts on my day with the odd insight thrown in.
The single defining moment of my life turned out not to be my transition but the death of my little girl. It put transition into the background. I survived because I had become the real me and on that day the old me was permanently archived.


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Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Darn Endocrinologist
« Reply #337 on: April 22, 2021, 07:38:28 am »
Mmmmm... my weekly visit from the Pink Fairy...

Cannot recommend highly enough.

"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess


Introductory Post: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,242617.msg2196235.html

Whiny HRT and Transition Blog: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,244163.msg2217618.html

Spironolactone January 10 2019
Divigel January 20 2019
Estradiol Valerate March 14 2019

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Darn Endocrinologist
« Reply #338 on: April 27, 2021, 09:06:56 am »
SQUEEEEE!

A new family moved in next door a couple of weeks ago. They have two little girls, 4 and 6, bright and friendly, both of them chatterboxes. We've been enjoying them ever so much.

Neither had asked me my name until the little one did this morning. I told her, "My name is [Battle Goddess], so you may call me Ms. [Battle Goddess]."

And now that's my name as far as they're concerned. Last thing they said to me before they went in was, "Bye-bye, Ms. [Battle Goddess]!"

Some days start off pretty darn good.
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess


Introductory Post: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,242617.msg2196235.html

Whiny HRT and Transition Blog: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,244163.msg2217618.html

Spironolactone January 10 2019
Divigel January 20 2019
Estradiol Valerate March 14 2019

Offline RandiL

  • Formerly RandyL
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Re: Darn Endocrinologist
« Reply #339 on: April 27, 2021, 09:59:34 am »
Now that's affirming. I'm glad you found a happy use for "darn" in this post. Congratulations, Ms. [Battle Goddess]

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Forging my new, best life as Randi

My personal blog thread: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last

My HRT thread: Randi's HRT Journal


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