Topic: Will I ever get over my fear of the men's room? (FTM)

[ratkingleo]

Hey.
I'm pretty new to this website, and forums in general. I'm 17, (almost 18,) living in Texas. Ever since I was little, I would "accidentally" want to go into the men's room.  However, since coming out, I have become very uncomfortable with my appearance and since I live in such a conservative state I'm very afraid of using the bathroom that matches my gender. I think I've gone to the men's room once, while I was out of state in Virginia. I have a fear of cis adult men that comes along with trauma. I'm very, very afraid of being in an enclosed space where if I was to get outed, unintentionally or otherwise, I feel like I could get physically harmed. Is this just me? Am I going to be able to get over this fear? Keep in mind, I have terrible social anxiety. If someone were to confront me about "being in the wrong bathroom," I think I would die. I don't really know what I'm going to do. Once I start testosterone (soon!), I will no longer be able to use the women's room, especially when (fingers crossed) I start to grow facial hair. Is my fear rational, or not?
Thanks.

[Northern Star Girl]

Hey.
I'm pretty new to this website, and forums in general. I'm 17, (almost 18,) living in Texas. Ever since I was little, I would "accidentally" want to go into the men's room.  However, since coming out, I have become very uncomfortable with my appearance and since I live in such a conservative state I'm very afraid of using the bathroom that matches my gender. I think I've gone to the men's room once, while I was out of state in Virginia. I have a fear of cis adult men that comes along with trauma. I'm very, very afraid of being in an enclosed space where if I was to get outed, unintentionally or otherwise, I feel like I could get physically harmed. Is this just me? Am I going to be able to get over this fear? Keep in mind, I have terrible social anxiety. If someone were to confront me about "being in the wrong bathroom," I think I would die. I don't really know what I'm going to do. Once I start testosterone (soon!), I will no longer be able to use the women's room, especially when (fingers crossed) I start to grow facial hair. Is my fear rational, or not?
Thanks.

@ratkingleo
Dear Leo:
     I am so very happy to see that you have now have become a member Susan's Place and have posted for the first time here on the Forums.

    As you post here on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you are.
 
    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation as you continue to feel free to share it.
 
    I also want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
   
    I have attached important and informative LINKS that will help you to navigate around the Forums and will allow you to enjoy the features here.     
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
 

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

[Northern Star Girl]

@ratkingleo
Oh, and another thing Leo...
Please plan to find your way to the Introductions Forum to briefly tell us about yourself so that more members will be aware of your arrival.

Since you are not quite 18 years old yet and you are one of our younger members, you may want to stop by the Youth Introductions Forum and introduce yourself there!
     
Thank you again for coming to Susan's Place and being involved in the Forums here.
Best wishes to you,
Danielle
NOTE:  Now that all of this greeting stuff is done, I will let everyone have the thread back so you can continue to pursue the conversation that you were trying to have.

[sarah1972]

Hi Leo -

Yes, the fear is real. While I am MTF I pretty much waited to step into a women's bathroom until I started to get kicked out of the men's room. This has not been easy at times, I remember a day waiting for a train which kept getting delayed and delayed. I was not ready for the ladies room in the train station but wearing a dress and makeup I also did not want to go into the men's room. I was about to take the next random train in my direction just so I can use a private bathroom.

It does take a lot of courage and getting used to. And even after over a year for me, I still have an underlying fear. I did discuss this with my wife and she said: If you present female (which I do all the time) use the ladies room.

In over 100 trips to the ladies room and using the female locker room in my gym at least twice a week, I have not yet have any trouble. But I try to keep to myself and avoid conversations. There is currently one exception: Due to hair removal I often cannot shave and during those days, I avoid any ladies room.

Once your beard grows, you may be better off in the men's room. I do understand your anxiety and trauma, but it may still be better than being flagged trying to use the ladies room.

The other option is trying to find unisex bathrooms. Malls often have family changing rooms which are single stall.

Good luck!

Sarah

[Astxl]

If it bothers you a lot to use the men's bathroom because you do not feel physically masculine, then use the bathroom for disabled people and stop causing problems with that, in the end it's just a bath to pee and look in the mirror, lol.

For me its impossible to enter to a men's room because I'm a girl.

[Paul Muad-Dib]

As long as you don't go in looking noticeably feminine, and the room isn't crammed with people waiting (not likely) and therefore paying more attention to the people in it than to taking a leak, the chances are you will be of no interest to anyone in there. Guys are in there to pee, not to study other guys, generally speaking. The less attention paid to anyone else in there the better, is the usual rule.

But I would still make an effort to be masculine in appearance before going in.

[Oldandcreaky]

I'd be wary of groups of teenage boys or young men. If you see such a group, take cover or leave.

[madeleine]

AMAB, lived as a cis male for over 50 years.  Maybe this will help:

Lots of cis men are anxious about the men's room.  They can't start peeing, they are afraid someone will checkout their equipment, or they are just plain afraid, whatever.  Sometimes they are so anxious they don't actually pee, they just stand there.

Because of this and other stuff, the vast majority of men just want to use the john and get out.  They do not want to talk.  They do not want to see anyone really or be seen.  You just look at the wall ahead of you or look down.  If a guy is anxious about peeing he can always wait until a stall with a door opens up.  Nobody's damn business!

There are exceptions.  If guys know each other, they might talk.  If a guy is acting weird or aggressive, then do whatever you would do when you meet someone like that.  If a guy I didn't know kept talking to me in the john (not sure this has ever happened, btw) I'd just say something like "hey buddy, I'm just here to take a leak" kind of gruffly.

 

[Janes Groove]

My advice:  Start learning self-defense and martial arts.   Once you get good at that you will walk into the men's room projecting an air of confidence and nobody will mess with you.  Learning how to fight is a right of passage for young men whether that's politically correct to say or not.

[Lyric]

Interestingly, my first suggestion would be the same thing Janes said. As a skinny, somewhat androgynous young guy in junior college I started taking jujitsu and generally lost any fear I might have had about physical assault (though I've never been in a situation that required it).

However, a certain amount of fear may be useful when you're an emerging transman venturing out. Where you go and when you go there makes a bit difference. Minimizing time in taverns and potentially rough places, especially at night would be wise, but I think that's a good idea for anybody.

The best anecdote for fear, though, I believe, is passion. The more you concentrate your life on the things that excite and interest you the less fear will dominate you.

[Paul Muad-Dib]

Ofc it helps a great deal if you still look androgynous to have that male voice if you have to justify yourself to someone in there. Not that I ever had to but the voice is a huge part of passing. I could understand trepidation if that isn't there yet.

That's another thing transmen should be aware of. Men are jumped in general more often than women on average and make up a larger portion of "random assault" and mugging victims than women. So watch yourself and be situationally aware. If someplace is too dodgy, avoid. If it looks like you need to project a "don't mess with me" vibe to be left alone, then do.

As others say, learning to fight would not be a hindrance but a positive, even if you never have to use it. The male world is very different from the female when it comes to how people treat you, and looking or acting like a female is not going to help in that regard at any point. Even if you don't want to learn any martial arts, looking buff will help somewhat - it's the same in the human world as the rest of the animal kingdom: if someone looks fit and healthy and strong they'll be less likely to attract people who think they'll be easy to victimize.

[Maid Marion]

You need to identify safe places to go..  Especially in Texas where bad bathroom bills are an issue.

Shop at Target rather than Walmart.  Target has a more affluent customer base than Walmart.  Poor people don't have anything to lose.  Judgement proof means that someone has no assets so a lawsuit means little.  Locate good facilities in your area.  Maybe little hole in the wall places that only have one bathroom for both sexes.

Identify good times to go.  You want to be able to zip in and out.  And, do exactly that.

Marion