Community Conversation > Significant Others talk

recently found out that my partner is trans mtf

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hello disclaimer that there will be some sensitive material or talk of a sexual nature in this post. thankyou for anyone who takes the time to read this, its my first time reaching out to anyone for help with this and my brain is such a muddle i know this will be a messy ramble so please bear with me

my partner of 10 years told me a month ago that he believes he would be happier as a woman and identifies as bisexual, i say he because he is still identifying as male for the most part at the moment and i say believes because i dont think he is even sure. he keeps flip flopping between what he wants and what is easiest and if it is really worth it, he doesn't want to loose me or our 6yr old son and is worried he wont pass as a woman and will be bullied for it for the rest of his life as he has always been quite vain and cared a lot about what others think of him often worrying about the opinion of strangers over what the people he cares about tell him. however he has been dressing up at home when our son is asleep, talking to other trans people, created a female FB account and has gone to the doctors to get the ball rolling

i found out when one day about a month ago he said he would like to try dressing up as a woman again ( a few years ago he wanted to play dress up role reversal purely in the bedroom for about a week then it all stopped but he kept the stuff in a draw) i said that was fine and he dressed up for the night and we had some fun and i thought no more of it till the next day we were going out shopping and he was still wearing ladies underwear. i realised this wasn't a bedroom thing and was more than that and the next day i asked him "is this a fetish or are you transgender" and he told me he felt like he really was a woman and wanted to transition, i went up to the bedroom and cried for a while as i wasn't really expecting it and it was a shock. i started thinking about it as rationally as i could and came to the conclusion that i loved him unconditionally as long as he was still the same person regardless of what body he was in and although I'm not bisexual I'm more attracted to the personality then the look anyway so i went back down and told him this. i said i would do everything in my power to help and support him as long as his personality didn't change so much that he wasn't anything like himself any more and under the condition that we take it slow so i can adjust and he said this was fine and seemed really happy that he wouldn't loose me and that he could take steps to becoming a woman.

however the very next day he asked about the possibility of a threesome in the future because he had a fantasy of giving a man a blow job, he even suggested him finding someone to experience it with to get it out of his system without me, he acted like i should accept that information as well as i did the information that he was transgender. i dont think he would have ever said anything like that to me before all of this as i am a tad overweight and quite insecure about how i look but he knew this and always used to try his best to make me feel like the only woman in the world for him. after that he started to talk about wanting to go out to a trans friendly night club to meet some people like him, he wanted to wear a short dress and a thong and didn't want me to come with him. all of this made me incredibly insecure and left me feeling like i could never fully please him and i wasn't what he wanted any more and as we are both geeky stay at home gamers the idea of him in a night club was totally alien to how i normally view him. i told him how i felt about a week in and although he seemed to understand why i was upset he seems to resent me now for telling him that if we were to stay together he had to be happy with only ever being with me sexually.
i should point out that he stated at the beginning  that he felt no dysphoria in regards to his penis and would like to still be able to use it after transitioning although he understands it will shrink and may not work but he said he still is attracted to me and women in general and the thought of our sex life in whatever form it takes

however from day 1 he stopped doing any of the things he used to do to show his attraction towards me, he would always grab my bum if i bent over or raise an eyebrow at a suggestive comment, i had a low libido so if i even hinted i was in the mood he would jump on me. now the only time he has got excited naturally is when he asks if i could use a vibrator (mine) on him (i dont mind doing this), we have had sex together a few times but it is always soon after me voicing my displeasure for our lack of intimacy and feels very forced on his behalf even with him asking "was that ok?" or "is that what you wanted?" after the act, he is clearly doing it to keep me happy rather than because he wants to and that is what is driving me mad. his sudden change of personality from dominant to submissive and complete lack of attraction to me are to much for me to bear coupled with the knowledge of his fantasies. i told him i like it when he grabs my bum because it makes me feel appreciated and affirms that he still wants me. he said he didn't want to do it any more as it wasn't something women did, i then reminded him that i have always grabbed his bum too and he just looked annoyed, all the things he says he doesn't like about himself because its not feminine are things i have or i do and it makes me fell like less of a woman and very unattractive in his eyes.

i am very aware that he is discovering who he is right now and i would understand the lack of libido if only i didn't know about his fantasies and the fact that he can want to play with toys and masturbate but want nothing to do with me in yet still say he is attracted to me as much as he was before
i dont know if his lack of desire for me and fantasies are something that just come with the initial figuring out who he is phase and will pass and if he is telling the truth when he says he is still attracted to me and still loves me or if he is staying with me because i am familiar and comforting and its easier but then he is going to transition and up and leave me for a man. i have told him this and he just gets angry at me for not trusting him. he says he understands my point of view but i feel like he barely listens to it because he will ask what he can do to make me happy then never do any of the things i have suggested even though i spend most my time these days doing things to make him happy like looking up info about transitioning, booking drs appts and going with him for support, waxing his legs, finding where to buy clothes and wigs etc, it feels like i am doing all the hard work supporting him and being understanding but getting nothing in return and its making me snap at him over little things that dont matter.

are we doomed or does this sound at all familiar to anyone who is still in a relationship with their mtf spouse? what would you do if you were me? any help appreciated and thankyou for anyone who took the time to read all of this ramble

Northern Star Girl:
Dear Emerald:
     I am so very glad that you have become a member here and that you found the Susan's Place Forums.

    As you continue to post on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you are.   I expect that you will be getting many members offering their thoughts and suggestions as you continue to post here. 

    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation and as you continue to feel free to share with all of us.
    I also want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
    I have attached important and informative LINKS that will help you to navigate around the Forums and will allow you to enjoy the features here.     
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
Things that you should readSite Terms of Service & Rules to Live ByStandard Terms & DefinitionsPost Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)Cautionary NoteReputation rulesNews posting & quoting guidelinesPhoto, avatars, & signature images policyMembership Agreement

Northern Star Girl:
Oh, and another thing Emerald...
Please plan to write a post and tell us more about yourself in the Introductions Forum so that other members will be aware of your arrival... therefore you will be able to share your thoughts with more members here.
Thank you again for joining Susan's Place and being involved in the Forums here.
Best wishes to you,
NOTE: Now after all of this Greeting Stuff I will let yoou have this thread back so that the exchange of conversation, thoughts and questions can continue.
Other members here will certainly be along to give you their comments and suggestions that you may be seeking

Ann W:
Hi, Emerald, and welcome.

Almost anyone will tell you that when someone is considering whether or not they are transgender it is important to have a qualified gender therapist in the loop.

Welcome to Susan's Place. While you have provided a good deal of information, there are still a lot of unanswered questions. It is possible for a person not to feel dysphoria or at least not understand what they are feeling is dysphoria. Another possibility is that they could be non binary where they are a mix of both genders. If you look at our our WIKI you will see how varied our population can be.

In either case, I would suggest a visit to a gender therapist where your partners feelings can be explored and both of you can determine how your relationship will be redefined.


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