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recently found out that my partner is trans mtf

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Mariah:
Emerald, welcome to Susans. I have been thinking about since last night what I was going to share with and tell you.  Despite knowing that my spouse was likely trans before we got married I still wasn't prepared when they came out as genderfluid to me. I can relate to many of your concerns especially since early on I was concerned by where the fast changes were going to lead them. If I wanted them to stop, then they would have however I wanted them to be happy so they could express themselves as they need too. I was definitely concerned though that their transition would take them away from me. Like with your spouse, my spouse has requested changes in the bedroom too. It's true that to a degree some of this was present before, now they are wanting to take that to an even new level. As Faith mentioned, this could be due to that they couldn't feel free to express or experiment with certain things before. My spouse hasn't asked for a threesome or anything like that lucky, however ithey are bi in the fist place. The fact is you need to look out for you first. You can't help if you haven't take care of yourself.

I know how mentally draining it is because it really took me time to get used to how they presenting and living now. I suppose I have gotten used to my spouse presenting female basically all the time.  Secondly, you need to set boundaries to allow your self mentally to be able to cope. I know for me that allowed me the time and space I needed to be able handle all the changes that were going on. There is no doubt you will see them try things at they try to figure what they need, however you need to take care of your needs to and make those needs known.

My spouse and I lucky have grown closer together than we were before instead of far apart. I can only hope yours does eventually. It's has been a lot of work though for that to happen. Some of that is give and take and allowing them to explore themselves. I was concerned they would lose interest in me as a result and they have been more interested in me since their transition. My spouse. like yours, didn't have any dysphoria in regards to their penis and mine is keeping  theirs.

In closing, you need to take care of yourself first and please yourself because trying to do otherwise is clearly not working and leaving you not happy at all. I can only hope things change for both of you and they grows closer to you eventually, however it sounds like the exact opposite is happening right now for you. You need to mentally prepare for that fact in case it happens, but I do hope they move closer to you eventually instead of further apart.

Moonflower:

--- Quote from: Emerald24 on March 10, 2019, 09:11:23 pm --- thankyou for anyone who takes the time to read this, its my first time reaching out to anyone for help with this and my brain is such a muddle i know this will be a messy ramble so please bear with me

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Thanks Emerald for unmuddling your brain here. Many people read the posts here who are living through stories like yours, but keep their muddle to themselves. You are at the beginning of a journey that many readers can relate to and learn from.

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my partner of 10 years told me a month ago that he believes he would be happier as a woman

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When my partner told me that he was trans, we explored together what that meant, other people's stories, resources, etc. I don't recall ever feeling like our partnership was threatened by his/her gender status, but my memory might be selective. Like you, I was more interested in continuing loving my partner than trying to find someone better for me.

I always felt securely loved, never threatened by the news, or afraid of the impending changes. My only fear was that more secrets might come to light.

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and identifies as bisexual, i say he because he is still identifying as male for the most part at the moment and i say believes because i dont think he is even sure. he keeps flip flopping between what he wants and what is easiest and if it is really worth it,

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My partner continued to present as a male in public until one year after she retired. Not because she wasn't sure; she knew that her gender identity was Female since she was 4 years old. She felt overwhelming pressure to be a man, and she did her best to be one in public. She wanted to transition, but knew that it was too hard. But when she was retired for an entire year, suddenly she felt free to start expressing her true self publicly, and we're in the early stages of that now.

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he doesn't want to loose me or our 6yr old son and is worried he wont pass as a woman and will be bullied for it for the rest of his life as he has always been quite vain and cared a lot about what others think of him often worrying about the opinion of strangers over what the people he cares about tell him.

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You represent your partner's thoughts and feelings well. You clearly understand the ambivalence and fear that he's feeling.

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however he has been dressing up at home when our son is asleep, talking to other trans people, created a female FB account and has gone to the doctors to get the ball rolling

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I notice and appreciate the closeness between you two as you are aware of his efforts to sort out who he is and what to do about it.

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... he told me he felt like he really was a woman and wanted to transition, i went up to the bedroom and cried for a while as i wasn't really expecting it and it was a shock. i started thinking about it as rationally as i could and came to the conclusion that i loved him unconditionally as long as he was still the same person regardless of what body he was in and although I'm not bisexual I'm more attracted to the personality then the look anyway so i went back down and told him this. i said i would do everything in my power to help and support him as long as his personality didn't change so much that he wasn't anything like himself any more and under the condition that we take it slow so i can adjust and he said this was fine and seemed really happy that he wouldn't loose me and that he could take steps to becoming a woman.

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Such a moving story! You are clearly attached to your partner. I thoroughly understand the part about being more attracted to the person than the body; the person is more important than the gender for me, too. Your pledge of support must have been so reassuring to him! Such a relief for you, too, to figure out what was important to you, and find a way to accommodate the news.

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however the very next day he asked about the possibility of a threesome in the future ... he seems to resent me now for telling him that if we were to stay together he had to be happy with only ever being with me sexually.

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This part is over my head. What a challenge! What difficult feelings to sort out! You did great telling him what your limits are! He will have to decide whether to honestly honor your limit, shamelessly test it, accidentally cross it and regret that, deliberately disregard it...and only time will reveal what he will do. Such a difficult time for you. How can you divert your attention from worrying and feeling insecure, to focusing on your options and feeling strong?
 
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... from day 1 he stopped doing any of the things he used to do to show his attraction towards me ... we have had sex together a few times but it is always soon after me voicing my displeasure for our lack of intimacy and feels very forced on his behalf even with him asking "was that ok?" or "is that what you wanted?" after the act, he is clearly doing it to keep me happy rather than because he wants to and that is what is driving me mad... all the things he says he doesn't like about himself because its not feminine are things i have or i do and it makes me fell like less of a woman and very unattractive in his eyes...

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Such a confusing time for you! If only you could actually get inside his head and see for sure what's going on! If only you could see into the future to find out how this will all work out! It will work out, you know, somehow, and perhaps in a way that you can't imagine, no matter how wild your imagination might get.

I hear you saying that his commitment to you and your monogamous relationship is very valuable to you, and you have a tendency to need a lot of reassurance. Own that. Feel proud of that. Make sure he knows that and remembers that.

I understand that most couples split during the early stages of transition as they find that they have different goals and targets and hopes and values. I am familiar with stories of women who ended the marriage because they want to continue the relationship that they thought they had. I haven't heard any stories about trans women leaving their miserable wives no matter how demanding or criticizing they became. A few marriages survive, like mine, and I'm working on identifying the distinguishing characteristics of marriages like mine. Any thoughts?

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... he will ask what he can do to make me happy then never do any of the things i have suggested

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This makes me feel concerned. I am getting the idea that he was super attentive and eager to please, but now he is transitioning into a person who is inconsiderate? Is that right?

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 even though i spend most my time these days doing things to make him happy like looking up info about transitioning, booking drs appts and going with him for support, waxing his legs, finding where to buy clothes and wigs etc,

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:) Aren't those great fun times?

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it feels like i am doing all the hard work supporting him and being understanding but getting nothing in return and its making me snap at him over little things that dont matter.

are we doomed or does this sound at all familiar to anyone who is still in a relationship with their mtf spouse? what would you do if you were me? any help appreciated and thankyou for anyone who took the time to read all of this ramble

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I value most of my experience with counselors and therapists. So, I echo the advice:
Find a counselor!
You both could benefit from professional support. You might find one who will help the two of you stay together by giving you homework assignments that make all the difference, and you might find one who says you are doomed. You might find one who is perfect for you, and your partner might never find "the right one", or vice versa. All sorts of possibilities. All sorts of things to worry over.

In the meantime, your son is certainly aware of the tension, and needs a lot of reassurance now. Give him lots of special attention to distract yourself from wondering how this will all turn out. Give your worrying mind a break often by focusing on your precious son and his concerns.

Emerald24:
thankyou for all the kind replies. to update for anyone else who comes here looking for answers to their own problems and for anyone wondering what has happened.

we seem to be in a better place. he seems decided now that he is a woman. we bought a couples toy and have had much laughs and fun trying it in the bedroom and just that seems to have made him happy with our sex life as he has gone back to doing all the things he did before, less so but i understand, however he no longer seems to be trying to please me at the expense of his own pleasure and we are back to enjoying each other in new and old ways.
he has stopped talking to other trans people on Facebook as the group he found was very opinionated and one member even messaged him warning him not to transition and telling him i would leave him for a man! very suspicious and weird. i think a lot of his fears and outbursts have been coming from there and what people have been saying to him unbeknownst to me. he decided we could go out together to trans friendly places in the future and meet others face to face however he did make a few friends he still messages and they seem nice.
we are waiting on advice from the doctor after the first appt as the doctor didn't really know what to do, we will try the nhs route however i have been looking into things like gendergp shared care etc and although we may struggle to afford it i have started saving for him. he seems happy at the moment to take it slow and try new things gradually.
he doesn't dress up as much but is growing his hair out and had his chest waxed professionally and that has made him happier.
overall the first few weeks were a storm of trying to understand each other and work around our feelings and going way to fast but now we are going along at a slow pace, waiting to see what happens with medical help whilst occasionally trying something new, we both play games together a lot and he has started playing as female characters and that is fun and helps him a lot.
to everyone who has suggested counselling i said that too but he is wary of it, he had it in the past although for unrelated reasons and ended up walking out after 1 visit as they were very rude to him acting like his problems were stupid and making out they couldn't help. i am hoping i can find someone but we cant afford private and you cant be picky with the nhs if you can even get one so we will have to see.

either way things seem to be looking up for us so fingers crossed and wish us luck. i will try to post an update every now and then to help any spouses who are in my position in the future

Moonflower:
I've been away from Susan's for a while, but it's great to see your progress. You sound so much more peaceful!  Please keep us posted, both so we can continue along with your journey, and so silent readers can be inspired.

Wishing you well,
Grace

Emerald24:
thankyou moonflower. it was my birthday on the 2nd and i got some new nail polish so i painted his toe nails :D
things have been going ok, he has on a few occasions decided to pack it all in and go back to just being a man but its never lasted long, i think sometimes he sees the road ahead and is scared to travel it and i understand why although i do wish he wouldn't for his sanity and my own.

i don't know how we are going to get any medical help and i have convinced him to be prepared for years of wait and eventually getting to the GIC rather than hoping for shared care with a private doctor as every time i look into it, it gets less and less likely. the dr we went to originally who said he would get back to us never did so we need to make another appt and see what is going on and if he has even made a GIC referral but given the lack of haste or apparent care i dont believe we will be able to convince him to help us with shared care for a private dr. i really dont know what route to go down as there is no GIC near us and we dont drive and i have heard awful things about the GIC and NHS care like them requiring you to prove you are trans by changing your name by deed poll and living as your gender for so long before they will even consider hormones and i cant see him being able to come out to his workplace and colleagues etc without having at least started towards his transition. i worry a lot about this because i know hrt isn't just about making you look a certain way it also makes you feel more like yourself and i'm sad that he will have to do really tough stuff like come out to his work and friends and everyone before he can get hrt to make him feel better. we were hoping for shared care between gender gp and out doctor where the nhs would do the blood tests and maybe even prescribe but gender gp would do the rest. seems like our only option as gender gp offer skype and phone sessions and neither of us drive and given our work hours and childcare responsibility we dont have the time or money for him to take several hours long public transport trips to clinics and back but it also seems out of our grasp as i know dr webbley has been in trouble recently for prescribing to under 18's and that will make it so much harder to convince our doctor to help with going with gender gp. if anyone has any stories to tell or advice to give on getting to the hrt stage in England that would be amazing

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