Community Conversation > Significant Others talk

recently found out that my partner is trans mtf

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Sylvia:
Hi Emerald, my partner is with Gender GP. He doesn't go there, all his consultations are by phone or email. He has his blood tests at the local GP, who is a middle aged Indian GP, who definitely doesn't approve! But he does the bloods, which get sent to Gender GP. I don't think a doctor can refuse to do the blood tests/shared care....The oestrogen patches come in the post, so no need for prescriptions or chemists. It seems to work ok. I don't even think he's on the list for GIC.

Good luck
Syl

Emerald24:
that's really nice to hear because that's all we want really just for the nhs to do the blood tests i might make him another appt with the same gp and bring it up because honestly our gp is really nice and quite young and open minded but he is unsure about how to treat a transgender patient so maybe the idea that all he has to do is blood tests would be ok for him

Bea1968:
I think it's awesome the way you are supporting your husband.  I am MTF and my wife supports me.  It has not been easy on her as it was not something she was expecting or looking for/ wanting.   She has had trouble envisioning our marriage and what it will look like as time moves on and more changes become obvious. 

I read somewhere (maybe even here) a few years ago that having a transgender spouse is like raising a teenager all over again.  They will be awkward, unsure and experimenting with things.  Maybe even throw a tantrum when you veto an outfit. Clothes, makeup, hair and more will be outrageous, gaudy, inappropriate even as your spouse tries to feel out and learn what works for them....really they have to figure how much those things either define themselves or if these things are just secondary. 

I went through some stages where my wife was "you sure you want to wear that out!?" Or something like that.  It's kinda funny to reflect back on now but it was a little bit of a tug of war at the time with me trying to assert that side of myself and her trying to keep me from going too far and making a damn fool of myself.  Every once in a while she might call my attention to something I am wearing or planning to wear and give me some guidance.

Welcome to this forum.  This is a great place to ask and answer questions that we all have.  The folk here are pretty open and friendly.  Do not be afraid to ask or share things as you two go through this experience together.

With regards to the intimacy.  I can relate.  Our time together is still awesome but it seems both of us have sort of slowed down on the frequency of desiring that time.  Sometimes it is just all the things going on in life that get in the way, bad timing, maybe one of us isn't quite feeling well.  What works for me personally is two things.  One, I envision us as lesbians and that kinda ramps up the play/fun pretty well, especially if we have girl/girl porn on. I let her pick what she wants on and just go,with it.  The other thing is sometimes I like to try and pretend I am her, I know sounds weird.  Try to imagine what it feels like for her, how,each thing I or she does feels from her perspective.  When we actually have sex I sometimes try to mentally swap places with her and that is a turn on.  I picture myself as her and her as me.  I am not especially interested in being with a man but that mental flip flop does get me going and the payoff is that I have become much more perceptive as to what really gets her excited so now I can please her with greater certainty and skill and that in and of itself is a huge ego boost and a very good incentive to want more play time.


I think the lack of attention is that teenager stage I was speaking about earlier where much of their waking thought is on themselves and figuring out their issue.  There are many times my wife will comment that I am being quiet or that I seem withdrawn.  I admit this is a challenging issue that does demand a lot of my attention and I do kinda escape into myself in an egocentric sort of way.  I mean every day I am thinking, can this go any slower! I am constantly unhappy with how I look and the fact that I have to play a masculine role at work and with most my family.  I am always fussing about my transition worrying about if I will ever really loom passable.  Those things are on my mind constantly and when she asks "what's on your mind" I say nothing.  I have shared my unhappiness with myself and my apprehensions about my future many times.   I just do t see the value in articulating those thoughts to her twenty times a day as its not going to get better any time soon.

I would Reccommend counseling.  Couples counseling.  Something that acknowledges his dysphoria but does not focus on it.  Need to focus on communication.  Focus on talking about expectations, feelings, desires.


The threesome thing or the notion that hooking up with a guy will get it out of his system is unfortunate and a bit selfish.  I struggled with my identity, my role, my gender and my orientation. For quite some time.  I am fortunate to have tried hooking up with guys a few times prior to my relationship with my wife.  I discovered that I am definitely not into guys at all.  In some instances it's a cool fantasy but reality is quite different, awkward for me and in all instances very unrewarding.  I'm glad I know.  I am sad he waited until after marriage to try and find out.   It places all sorts of strain and uncertainty on you and that is not really fair at all.  I understand he has this need but the incidence of outside relationships really places a lot of extra strain on a relationship.

What I am about to say will probably suck badly, so I will apologize upfront.  I am expressing my view of reality and the disclaimer is that I didn't create it. I'm just going to take a stab at describing it.  I hate, hate, hate the idea as it goes against what I believe in but:

Probably should let him try out the guy thing.  Before you do, give it a lot of thought and be sure how you feel about it.  Best case, he decides he does not like it and then his focus returns on you and your relationship.  Worst case, he decides that is what he wants and goes.  If that is how he envisions himself, his needs and his life then you really cannot change it.  That's going to bite badly if that is the reality.  It would be best and most loving to cut him loose if that is the case.  Let him move on and be happy as trying to force the marriage to last will be exceptionally painful for the both of you.  There is the odd chance of a compromise.  You will find couples that have found a way to make things work.  They are inventive and make their own rules.

One such couple I read about had the understanding that the husband would dress up, go out and hook up with a guy once a month and they found they could live with that.  If you search you will find other examples. 



I have to remind myself that women are generally more nurturing, caring and talkative, they share and if I am to be anything on the gender scale that encompasses some aspect of feminine then I need to embrace those things as well.

Best regards,

Bea

Bea1968:
This post keeps weighing on my mind.  I have probably edited my original answer several times as I keep thinking on the subject as it is keenly personal to me as well albeit from the other perspective.  He is damn lucky to have you just as I feel quite fortunate my wife has stuck it out.

Is your husband on this site? Does he read/research anything on the subject of relationship issues that transisition creates?

I want to thank you as your heartfelt post has caused me to reflect on my relationship and recommit to making an extra,effort to show my appreciation to my wife.  It is my
Thought and hope that he may experience an awakening if he reads posts similar to yours (not yours specifically) and is maybe made more aware. 

Please keep in touch and let us know how things are going.

Bea

Emerald24:
no he is not on this site. a while ago it all got too much for him, we were falling out a lot and he told me he was going to stay a man, a few days later he asked if it was ok if he continued becoming a woman but said he was worried it was what was making us fall out so much so i sat him down and told him why we had been falling out from my point of view i explained all the things he had done and said that had upset me in that first post and exactly why i was upset and he understood, he agreed to continue as just us and to not talk to me about his desires for men, he also assured me that he is still very much attracted to women and has shown that on many occasions since. i really couldn't let him go try out being with a man, the idea of him in bed with anyone but me makes me feel distraught and i know even if he decided it wasn't for him i could never trust him again if he did it as i would always feel as if i were not good enough and he was after something more. i explained that if his desire for men would be something that would cause him to hold resentment for me or if he saw himself needing it so much he would want to bring up doing it again in the future then he needed to leave me as i wasnt happy staying with someone who didn't consider me to be enough for them. i did tell him i was more than happy to do any kind of thing he wanted to try in the bedroom with me and i would do all i could to help explore his desires in the way we can both enjoy, we bought some toys that allow me to penetrate him and its very much like 2 lesbians with a double ender :D works wonders for both of us and i think helps me fulfil some of his fantasies.

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