Community Conversation > Significant Others talk

recently found out that my partner is trans mtf

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Linde:
I, too would strongly recommend the help of a professional.  It is not all hat common that being trans is used as reason for sexual adventures.
Gender identity and sex are two pair of shoes.  For me, and that is my opinion, dressing up in a thong, and going in a miniskirt into a tans bar has almost the flair of a fetish.  Or the threesome desire, in my eyes it is also a fetish.

I definitely feel that professional help is required!

Good luck for the two of you!

Emerald24:
thankyou all i must say i think i left out a lot about how he feels. I'm no expert of course but i know that although he says he feels no dysphoria regarding his genitals he does wish they were smaller, he is disgusted by his chest being flat, goes above and beyond to remove all his hair, his muscles make him sad, he takes pictures with a snapchat filter to try and make his chin appear shorter and has been growing his hair out. he has also always wanted to fill a more female stereotypical role, he wanted children and i didn't when we met, he is a stay at home dad and takes care of the house (with a part time cleaning job he recently started) his ambition is to start HRT and eventually if possible funds wise (or nhs if possible) to get FFS, breast augmentation and facial hair removal if he still feels he needs it after hrt for a few years.

i realise his need to talk to a specialist to determine if he is in fact transgender but i hope these details help as i realise i made it sound like this last month has purely been about sex and fetishes when we have spent a lot of time talking about getting married as wife and wife, changing his name, going clothes and makeup shopping together, how we will tell other people about all this etc. its been about 4 times over the last month that we have talked about anything sexual only twice done anything sexual regarding his newfound tastes as he is still unsure about what he likes and what makes  him feel uncomfortable, i guess its just my biggest issue as my biggest fear is loosing him

its not all been doom and gloom it was just that particular part of it i needed help with.
thankyou for all the kind replies

Sylvia:
Hi Emerald, I'm a SO of an MTF whose world was turned upside down a couple of years ago. We are still working through things. He's been on hormones for 9 months, and has developed quite obvious breasts - like your husband, he hates the flat chest and body hair, but doesn't have genital dysphoria at all. However, he hasn't taken on any 'female roles' (although we've always shared household/child rearing roles anyway), doesn't intend to come out publicly and has no interest in changing his name or pronouns. I guess he's more gender fluid than 100% female.

Some of what you've mentioned does sound a bit fetishist - which I think is quite a common thing in the early days of figuring out what it is he actually is. I don't think it lasts - he is experimenting with his feelings and his sexuality. Like others have said, a good therapist should help with that. My partner (UK too) went to GenderGP privately, as to get into the NHS system takes around 2 years. They have therapists.

Feel free to PM me (but you have to have made a few more posts on the forums before you can).

Sending love
Syl

Faith:
I don't want to bring anyone down. I read a lot in the original post that I didn't like. To me these things don't spring out of nowhere with transition, they've been there and transition gave leeway to let them out.

I have curiosities
I have fantasies
I have certain unexplored desires.

along with that

I am monogamous
I love my wife

I would never pursue exploration of alternatives at my wife's expense, I cannot even fathom it. To be clear, she did suggest that I probably should (more than once).  She is also monogamous, to investigate alternatives would mean that we'd be 'married friends only'. To ruin what we have is not an option for me.

I know that last line sounds odd considering that I dropped the T-bomb on her. One is about marital infidelity, the other is about who I am.

I know that this post isn't a lot of help in dealing with what you are facing. Truth is, I am as lost as you are in comprehending some of it.

confusedfairy:
Hey!   I'm a cis person that's the ex spouse of a trans (mtf) spouse. 

On the sex subject: My spouse didn't express a desire to experiment sexually with other partners, however, did buy a dildo that I was expected to use to perform anal on her.  She also began to lose interest in penetration (claiming she never liked certain positions anyways- let the gaslighting begin, as this was certainly untrue.)

I ended up divorcing her because I couldn't take the emotional abuse and the fact that her loyalties to her sibling (the 'other person' emotionally, even if not physically) were stronger than to me.  It's a long story and is probably lurking in various places up here.  If not, find me on discord or pm me. 

I will say that a lot of what you are saying sounds like the I WANT IT NOW!! ME ME ME! That I experienced when my ex came out to me.  (If you talk to some of the trans folk on here, they sound like they were absolute angels with their spouses by comparison to mine.) 

What I would say you should remember: (and more can follow if you need.)
1. You are allowed to have feelings and respect too.  Feeling devastated/ widowed by this process is NORMAL.  I ended up divorced, but my understanding is that even the still married folks have a grieving period.  You will likely even be able to pinpoint the stages of grieving if you look for them.  If this helps any. 

2. The marriages that survive happily seem to feature a trans spouse that orients their transition on some level to accommodate their cis spouse.  That doesn't mean your spouse changes their body to accommodate you necessarily (remember, some trans folk are literally willing to die for this, and for all, it is a NEED), it just means they take your feelings into account in some fashion(something worked out with a therapist's help I suppose?  Never reached this point with my spouse because it was her way or the highway in too many other areas of our lives.) My guess is what form this takes will really vary. 

3. Warning! I have encountered, and have read stories of other cis spouses where the therapist is decidedly not empathetic to our feelings.  This is awful, given that even under the very best of marital conditions, this would be a serious adjustment to make.  I bluntly explained this to two different therapists and got agreement, that it can be difficult to find a therapist that understands the process of transition and the emotions involved (necessary, even for you), while still being empathetic to the cis spouse that just got hit by an emotional bus.  With my current therapist, I explained the situation and bluntly asked if he would feel comfortable/ could empathize with a cis spouse. 

4. Sexuality: remember: Your sex life shouldn't feature suffering.  There is a difference between  creativity/compromise to keep each other happy, and spending a lifetime feeling miserable and dissatisfied.  While I don't have data on this- I disagree with the notion that if you love your spouse enough, you sexuality will conform to their new body. 

5. There are plenty of marriages that survive this process.  Must go for now.  Feel free to PM me. 

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