Author Topic: It's been a long road...  (Read 221 times)

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Offline Tribble

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It's been a long road...
« on: March 12, 2019, 10:42:21 pm »
...getting from there to here.

Okay, honestly not much of an Enterprise fan (more TOS/TNG for me).

I have a complicated story that I've begun to reveal in another post on this site, but just for starters, I transitioned in 2003, had my orchie in 2004, and have lived most of that time in my female role until a little over two years ago.  I'm regretting that decision again and am finding that the Trans world has changed a lot since I was active in it online.  I've never been active in the community IRL, and I'm also regretting that.

I found this site after searching for information and reviews on Doctor Kim's work at the University of Minnesota (may as well start locally!).

I have some pretty serious mental health issues and have been officially disabled since 2004 due to those issues.

No one should follow my life examples.  In fact, they should use them as a guide on what not to do.

I feel loneliest in a room full of people.

This seems like a nice, friendly place.  I won't break any rules deliberately!

Offline Alaskan Danielle

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Re: It's been a long road...
« Reply #1 on: March 12, 2019, 11:18:45 pm »
@Tribble
Dear Tribble:
     I am so very glad that you have become a member here and that you found the Susan's Place Forums.

    As you continue to post on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you are.   I expect that you will be getting many members offering their thoughts and suggestions as you continue to post here. 

    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation and as you continue to feel free to share with all of us.
 
    I also want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
   
    I have attached important and informative LINKS that will help you to navigate around the Forums and will allow you to enjoy the features here.     
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle


Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
 
Things that you should read

Offline Tribble

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Re: It's been a long road...
« Reply #2 on: March 12, 2019, 11:32:32 pm »
Thank you, Danielle.

I'll take my time, look around, see if I would like to jump in or ask questions.

I don't think I'm unique in my own experiences, but I do know that I've followed a path that others should be advised against if at all possible. :)

I tend to jump in head first and go whole-hog with what I'm doing at the time, and many of those times I should have reflected a little more before doing so.

Thank you again for your welcome. :)

Offline V M

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Re: It's been a long road...
« Reply #3 on: March 13, 2019, 10:00:46 am »
Hi Tribble  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's Place  :)  Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M
The main things to remember in life are Love, Kindness, Understanding and Respect - Always make forward progress

Superficial fanny kissing friends are a dime a dozen, a TRUE FRIEND however is PRICELESS

 
- V M

Offline Tribble

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Re: It's been a long road...
« Reply #4 on: March 14, 2019, 01:31:22 pm »
Thank you, V M!  :icon_wave:

Offline Tribble

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Re: It's been a long road...
« Reply #5 on: March 14, 2019, 05:51:30 pm »
I knew when I first started thinking about transition again after purging once my husband announced his intentions to divorce that things had changed since I'd last done research, but I had no idea how much things have changed.  Terminology, etiquette, you name it.

And wow, there's even a surgeon in my area!  That was a shocker to me, but a welcome one.  I hope to attend a talk this weekend with someone that had gone to him.

Voice coaching was also not as popular when I first transitioned as it is now.  After visiting with someone yesterday that had gone to coaching, I'm pretty sure I could benefit.  I've also been reading about some software and apps that might help.

I hate that I'd purged, but I had to find out more about myself.  I could not afford therapy but hope to start again, soon.  I also hope to get back on HRT in the next week or so.  My last GP would not prescribe E to me as I was living in a male role and he had religious or cultural objections to it, so it's been a while.  Boy, have I noticed!

I guess I should really say something about myself...I've been married as a man and as a woman, to a woman and a man!  I didn't even know that I could be attracted to a man until after I started HRT the first time.  Kinda got me in trouble with a friend.  I'm sorry my emotions took me there back then.

My wife had accepted my announcement when I made it back in the late 90s with an open heart.  Her beliefs quickly turned her against me and at a certain point, I decided I would purge (my first) and try her church.  I went in all the way but quickly decided that the church path was not for me.  We maintained a relationship for a couple of years but it was deteriorating fast.  After taking on six foster children, four girls and two boys, I couldn't contain myself anymore.  I saw the girls, who ranged from 10-20, being themselves, living their everyday lives.  I needed that for myself, so I announced my intentions again to my wife and that was pretty much the end of our relationship.

Moved back in with mom and dad, gradually transitioned, and while my dad had a few issues at first (honestly, so did my mom), I eventually met my husband online and he moved here within a few months.  We lived together for several years until "same-sex" marriage was legal and did so immediately.

I could tell something was wrong as soon as our wedding day, though.  He was not as happy as I thought he'd be.  No one has a perfect relationship, so there were arguments all along, but they became more and more frequent.  By this time I had been out of therapy for a while and nearly off of psych meds.  When he told me he wanted a divorce, the next day I transitioned back to male.  I'd been a hermit, anyway.  I was afraid to walk out my front door.  I didn't really care if I was ever injured or killed, but what I feared the most was ridicule.  I still do.  I do enough of that to myself, already.  I don't need anyone else doing it to me.

The last couple of years I've been looking into options.  In the last few months, I've been thinking of starting therapy again to explore my true feelings rather than just rely on my gut reactions.  Part of me wants to stand on my rooftop and exclaim my womanhood.  Part of me wants to live a non-binary life so I can freely express myself as I really am, while still allowing myself to partake in my more masculine hobbies.  Hey, I built up decades of interests and knowledge in certain subjects, why throw all of that away, right? :)

I'm not a frilly dress and makeup kinda girl...most of the time.  Who doesn't like to get dolled up from time to time?  I'm more of a t-shirt and jeans type.  Leggings would be nice, too, if I didn't have certain concerns.

I've taken my first steps back into my own life (the life I can own, myself) recently.  I'm nervous.  I have many, many fears, but I'm hoping with support and therapy that I'll be able to overcome those and finally, truly be myself.

Does anyone else feel like they've worn so many masks throughout their lives that they're not completely sure who the real you is?  It's how I've always felt, even when I thought I was being the real me.

Offline Janes Groove

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Re: It's been a long road...
« Reply #6 on: March 14, 2019, 08:07:09 pm »
Welcome to Susans Tribble.  I think most of us can relate to having spent long years not living out as our true selves.

Online LizK

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Re: It's been a long road...
« Reply #7 on: March 14, 2019, 09:25:08 pm »
Hi  Tribble

Welcome to Susan's, Hope you enjoy your time here  :icon_wave-nerd:

There are lots of great people with valuable experiences and only to happy to share them with you.

Take care  ;D

LizK
Transition Begun 25 September 2015
HRT since 17 May 2016,
Fulltime from 8 March 2017,
GCS 4 December 2018
Voice Surgery 01 February 2019

Offline Tribble

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Re: It's been a long road...
« Reply #8 on: March 15, 2019, 05:42:50 pm »
Thank you, ladies.

"F" box on both of your profiles, so I'm sorry if I've made wrong assumptions.

True selves.  That's where it may seem like I'm trolling in my various replies.  I honestly have no idea who my true self is.  I'm all over the place and the grass is always greener elsewhere and I'm hoping that being here and with the help of whatever therapist I can find I will finally be able to figure out who and what I am.  I just feel like I've worn so many masks for so long that I'm not sure where those masks end and I begin.  When will I finally remove my final mask and reveal the real me?

I never mean to offend, but I talk pretty openly and honestly about my feelings and ideas.  Had my family and friends done so when I was younger I may have been a completely different person with more of a grasp on myself and how to deal with my issues.  I just feel that being honest, even honest about my own ignorance, might help someone else deal with their own issues.  They might not feel like they're alone in this world, a freak, as I've always felt myself to be.

Offline Tribble

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Re: It's been a long road...
« Reply #9 on: March 19, 2019, 08:21:15 am »
Wow.  I just realized that I missed my HRT anniversary for the first time.  16 years a little over a week ago.  Wow, how time flies!

The 13 year anniversary of when my husband moved here is coming up soon, but it's not really an anniversary that will be commemorated all that much.  The end has come, but we're status quo right now.  Romantic relationship over but still married and cohabitating.  More of a close but rocky friendship now.

Opportunities lost...

Offline Tribble

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Re: It's been a long road...
« Reply #10 on: Yesterday at 10:36:26 am »
I had my second appointment with a local LGBT sexuality clinic and was approved to get back on hormones.  I had a bit of a "duh" moment last night after picking up my prescription.  I'm like, "They didn't even verify my post-orchie status before giving me Estradiol again after only one visit and approving on the second!"  I'm pretty sure they could tell by my blood test that I was no longer producing T (or any gonadal hormones).

I also had a bit of a weird but happy moment at the DMV this morning (DVS in this state and what?!?  Happy moment at the DMV?!?).  Yes, I got the usual runaround and had to pay a total of $7.00 for a small hot chocolate so I could get $1.50 back in quarters so I could go out and re-feed the meter, but at the first counter I was called to, though apparently, the clerk assigned me to the wrong counter and the counter attendant could not help me, he did need to ask a colleague where I needed to be assigned and kept referring to me as she...repeatedly.  I was in full-male-mode.  Sweatshirt with a t-shirt under it, Levi's 505 jeans, and black leather boots (men's) and I don't have the smallest of feet.  Oh, and I was wearing a ball cap.  His only clue was my voice as he hadn't even looked at my paperwork yet but didn't look at me funny and seemed not to give it a second thought.

Okay, guess I'm well on my way to my third full transition.

The unintentional proper gendering has been happening a lot lately.  Y'know, I thought I was presenting 100% male and those familiar with me agree, but others, I guess not so much.

Offline Charlie Nicki

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Re: It's been a long road...
« Reply #11 on: Yesterday at 12:07:48 pm »
Welcome  Tribble! I was reading your posts in other threads and got to know more about your story. It's good that you're taking the necessary steps to figure out your true identity. Hugs!!
Latina :) I speak Spanish, English and a bit of Portuguese.

Offline Tribble

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Re: It's been a long road...
« Reply #12 on: Yesterday at 12:46:25 pm »
Welcome  Tribble! I was reading your posts in other threads and got to know more about your story. It's good that you're taking the necessary steps to figure out your true identity. Hugs!!

Thank you, Charlie Nicki!  I tend to forget what thread I'm in and just respond with whatever thoughts I have. :)

You mentioned you were interested about me and my husband in your Intro thread.  Feel free to ask any questions publicly or privately.  I'm an open book. :)

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