Author Topic: advice/getting things off my chest  (Read 169 times)

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Offline Zefoxe

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advice/getting things off my chest
« on: March 20, 2019, 05:17:27 pm »
Hi everyone,

just to update, I have seen a therapist since late January this year and came out to her that I am a transgender woman. After about a month, my therapist recommended I have my wife come in to see where she is at with everything (she only knew about cross dressing). I had followed some of the advice posted on the site, I made sure Valentines day was extra special and have tried to make her feel loved. I got to the point that I came out to wife which led to many nights crying and struggling with emotions.
After about a week or so, I was feeling really happy because I felt like maybe we would be one of the lucky couples that could last the storm. When I talked to my wife via text or over the phone, I get someone that's willing to listen and give things a try. We even spoke about going to a local LGBT center to sit in on a Transgender support group. But when I come home from work, I get someone who is in deep denial as if we didn't mean anything that happened and expects everything to go back to "normal".
About 2 weeks ago I was even given a hallmark card when I got home from work. She wrote several paragraphs about how deep our love was and that she will try to work things out together with me but the final two sentences were "If you could make it through the first 14 years with me as you were, I know you can keep on doing it for me and the kids." I felt like I was stabbed in the heart and proceeded to walk away not saying a thing and sobbing in bed. She later apologized and said she didn't mean it like that but could not explain what she really meant by it. We would spend the weekend barely looking at each other or communicating.
I broke down and told her Ill try to do what she wants (present as a male 24hr).
Deep down I know I'm ready for HRT though and expressed this to my therapist. My therapist has had me try to get my wife to come back in to talk more and try to help but my wife is no longer interested and has even suggested changing therapists.
She doesn't have a lot of friends and she keeps to herself a lot. I tried asking if she would want a referral to see a therapist just to talk to someone about what's on her mind but to no avail.
Lately I have been working on a plan B which kills me, which is to become separated, move back in with my folks til I get settled again and worse of all, not be able to see my two awesome kids everyday.
Am I in the wrong here? Is there anywhere I can do a better job? Does this all sound just way too familiar? :c

thanks for reading
Sabrina

Offline RandyL

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Re: advice/getting things off my chest
« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2019, 05:26:48 pm »
Hi Sabrina,

I'm so sorry you're having this difficulty. It is similar in many ways to what my wife and I are still going through.

The best I can say is give it more time. Can you delay HRT for awhile and see if she is adjusting? Continue to show your love and appreciation, and communication.

In our case we had a 3-month separation last summer, which helped us both decide we'd really much rather remain together. We've sort of rededicated ourselves to make it work and she has been much more accepting of me.

Good luck!

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Offline Sophiaprincess2019

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Re: advice/getting things off my chest
« Reply #2 on: March 20, 2019, 05:30:11 pm »
My .02, give it time for both of you so you can explore the longevity of your decisions. Understand and reassure her you are willing to give the situation enough time so you both can process what's going on. There have been more than one transgender person on this forum who eventually discovered they weren't trans at all, probably from introspection. It sounds like your wife is experiencing cyclical ups and downs with her emotions as you are as well. I'd keep in mind changing genders is a life-long decision that requires a lot of careful planning and deep thought.

Hope you find peace!

Sophia
1978 Played in girl clothes
1988 Dressed in girl clothes
2018 Dreamed of becoming a girl
12-8-2018 Knew I was a woman
2-22-2019 Started HRT

Online NatalieRene

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Re: advice/getting things off my chest
« Reply #3 on: March 20, 2019, 05:52:05 pm »
Hi everyone,

just to update, I have seen a therapist since late January this year and came out to her that I am a transgender woman. After about a month, my therapist recommended I have my wife come in to see where she is at with everything (she only knew about cross dressing). I had followed some of the advice posted on the site, I made sure Valentines day was extra special and have tried to make her feel loved. I got to the point that I came out to wife which led to many nights crying and struggling with emotions.
After about a week or so, I was feeling really happy because I felt like maybe we would be one of the lucky couples that could last the storm. When I talked to my wife via text or over the phone, I get someone that's willing to listen and give things a try. We even spoke about going to a local LGBT center to sit in on a Transgender support group. But when I come home from work, I get someone who is in deep denial as if we didn't mean anything that happened and expects everything to go back to "normal".
About 2 weeks ago I was even given a hallmark card when I got home from work. She wrote several paragraphs about how deep our love was and that she will try to work things out together with me but the final two sentences were "If you could make it through the first 14 years with me as you were, I know you can keep on doing it for me and the kids." I felt like I was stabbed in the heart and proceeded to walk away not saying a thing and sobbing in bed. She later apologized and said she didn't mean it like that but could not explain what she really meant by it. We would spend the weekend barely looking at each other or communicating.
I broke down and told her Ill try to do what she wants (present as a male 24hr).
Deep down I know I'm ready for HRT though and expressed this to my therapist. My therapist has had me try to get my wife to come back in to talk more and try to help but my wife is no longer interested and has even suggested changing therapists.
She doesn't have a lot of friends and she keeps to herself a lot. I tried asking if she would want a referral to see a therapist just to talk to someone about what's on her mind but to no avail.
Lately I have been working on a plan B which kills me, which is to become separated, move back in with my folks til I get settled again and worse of all, not be able to see my two awesome kids everyday.
Am I in the wrong here? Is there anywhere I can do a better job? Does this all sound just way too familiar? :c

thanks for reading
Sabrina

If you’re considering divorce Inthinkmyou owe it to your wife to tell her how much the first 14 years have hurt and explain to her why keeping on isn’t an option for you.

You can set transition at a slower pace so she can mentally come to terms but not abort.

If she isn’t willing to work it out then you need to decide what you need more. Please keep in mind that people in the past have lost custody of their kids because of transition. It’s absolutely horrific but you need to know before deciding.

Good luck and we support you which ever direction you decide to go. ;D

Offline Zefoxe

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Re: advice/getting things off my chest
« Reply #4 on: March 20, 2019, 05:53:26 pm »
@randyL thank you, your words are encouraging. I don't want to leave her either, she is my first and only love. 

My .02, give it time for both of you so you can explore the longevity of your decisions. Understand and reassure her you are willing to give the situation enough time so you both can process what's going on. There have been more than one transgender person on this forum who eventually discovered they weren't trans at all, probably from introspection. It sounds like your wife is experiencing cyclical ups and downs with her emotions as you are as well. I'd keep in mind changing genders is a life-long decision that requires a lot of careful planning and deep thought.

Hope you find peace!

Sophia
I have actually gone through all my research and requestioned myself if this is what I really wanted for most of 2018. I actually probably would have committed to accepting myself back when I was 18 but information was still scarce as well as a lot of misinformation on the internet back in the early 2000s. (I remember reading so much BS that sexual enjoyment/pleasure is almost impossible after SRS etc, which scared the horny teenager I was at the time  :( )
 
My therapist has also admitted to me she does truly believe I'm transgender and not at any teetering phase and said she'd write me a referral letter for HRT whenever I'm ready to see a PCP/Endo.

Thank you for your kind words though Sophia :)

Offline Zefoxe

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Re: advice/getting things off my chest
« Reply #5 on: March 20, 2019, 06:02:32 pm »
If you’re considering divorce Inthinkmyou owe it to your wife to tell her how much the first 14 years have hurt and explain to her why keeping on isn’t an option for you.

You can set transition at a slower pace so she can mentally come to terms but not abort.

If she isn’t willing to work it out then you need to decide what you need more. Please keep in mind that people in the past have lost custody of their kids because of transition. It’s absolutely horrific but you need to know before deciding.

Good luck and we support you which ever direction you decide to go. ;D

I am aware Natalie ,which is my worst nightmare (I've already had to deal with my older brother losing his kids through 2 separate divorces). But over the 14 years we've been together we've always told each other that we would still be friends and we'd always want each other apart of our kids lives in retrospect during conversations about our friends+families that broke up over the years. I honestly wouldn't even want a divorce unless its what my wife wants.

Thank you Natalie, I'm already feeling better from you and the other ladies <3

Offline krobinson103

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Re: advice/getting things off my chest
« Reply #6 on: March 20, 2019, 06:06:32 pm »
Hi everyone,

just to update, I have seen a therapist since late January this year and came out to her that I am a transgender woman. After about a month, my therapist recommended I have my wife come in to see where she is at with everything (she only knew about cross dressing). I had followed some of the advice posted on the site, I made sure Valentines day was extra special and have tried to make her feel loved. I got to the point that I came out to wife which led to many nights crying and struggling with emotions.
After about a week or so, I was feeling really happy because I felt like maybe we would be one of the lucky couples that could last the storm. When I talked to my wife via text or over the phone, I get someone that's willing to listen and give things a try. We even spoke about going to a local LGBT center to sit in on a Transgender support group. But when I come home from work, I get someone who is in deep denial as if we didn't mean anything that happened and expects everything to go back to "normal".
About 2 weeks ago I was even given a hallmark card when I got home from work. She wrote several paragraphs about how deep our love was and that she will try to work things out together with me but the final two sentences were "If you could make it through the first 14 years with me as you were, I know you can keep on doing it for me and the kids." I felt like I was stabbed in the heart and proceeded to walk away not saying a thing and sobbing in bed. She later apologized and said she didn't mean it like that but could not explain what she really meant by it. We would spend the weekend barely looking at each other or communicating.
I broke down and told her Ill try to do what she wants (present as a male 24hr).
Deep down I know I'm ready for HRT though and expressed this to my therapist. My therapist has had me try to get my wife to come back in to talk more and try to help but my wife is no longer interested and has even suggested changing therapists.
She doesn't have a lot of friends and she keeps to herself a lot. I tried asking if she would want a referral to see a therapist just to talk to someone about what's on her mind but to no avail.
Lately I have been working on a plan B which kills me, which is to become separated, move back in with my folks til I get settled again and worse of all, not be able to see my two awesome kids everyday.
Am I in the wrong here? Is there anywhere I can do a better job? Does this all sound just way too familiar? :c

thanks for reading
Sabrina

My wife was initially accepting but later could not handle the reality of transition. Divorce is now a certainty and I no longer live with her or the kids. However, this to me is a price worth paying because the alternative would have been my end. Sometimes you have to look at the big picture. Is the pay off worth the price? For me it was, for others they choose to try and supress. I was at the end of my rope literally with no more denial left in me.
Every day is a totally awesome day
Every day provides opportunities and challenges
Every challenge leads to an opportunity
Every fear faced leads to one more strength
Every strength leads to greater success
Success leads to self esteem
Self Esteem leads to happiness.
Cherish every day.

Offline krobinson103

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Re: advice/getting things off my chest
« Reply #7 on: March 20, 2019, 06:08:25 pm »
@randyL thank you, your words are encouraging. I don't want to leave her either, she is my first and only love. 
I have actually gone through all my research and requestioned myself if this is what I really wanted for most of 2018. I actually probably would have committed to accepting myself back when I was 18 but information was still scarce as well as a lot of misinformation on the internet back in the early 2000s. (I remember reading so much BS that sexual enjoyment/pleasure is almost impossible after SRS etc, which scared the horny teenager I was at the time  :( )
 
My therapist has also admitted to me she does truly believe I'm transgender and not at any teetering phase and said she'd write me a referral letter for HRT whenever I'm ready to see a PCP/Endo.

Thank you for your kind words though Sophia :)

I can assure you that sex is sooo much better now. Its not only possible but many many times more satisfying.
Every day is a totally awesome day
Every day provides opportunities and challenges
Every challenge leads to an opportunity
Every fear faced leads to one more strength
Every strength leads to greater success
Success leads to self esteem
Self Esteem leads to happiness.
Cherish every day.

Online Gerri

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Re: advice/getting things off my chest
« Reply #8 on: March 20, 2019, 06:33:12 pm »
It sounds like you have landed at a place that works for you.  I spent 10 years on low dose hrt and tried everything I could to keep my marriage together.  Then after 34 years of marriage my wife asked for a divorce because she could see that I had to transition, that she was holding me back and couldn’t accept me for who I am.
Given this experience I think you have made a wise decision which will ultimately benefit both you and your wife.


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