Author Topic: Greetings and Hello! :D  (Read 129 times)

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Offline Artoria1034

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Greetings and Hello! :D
« on: March 21, 2019, 02:23:23 pm »
Hello everyone! :D

I am new here, although I have lurked for a while just perusing the forums looking for general advice and help. I figured it was about time that I created a profile and tried to get more direct help and talk to people about being trans.

Hmm... I'm never great at this sort of thing so where to start? I guess the easiest thing is to say that I am physically male, aged 33, and am wholly confused about my gender identity. I have been for a very long time, and am constantly wafting between "totally sure I should be female" and "totally ashamed I think that, wtf is wrong with me?"

It's been a little over a decade since I was first enlightened to the possibility of my mental/emotional gender not matching my physical body. And even before then I have always felt wrong in some way. At first I thought that I might simply be gay or bisexual, but even that didn't "feel right" somehow. But growing up and going through school, I quickly found that anything strange or different in any way was immediately ostracized, either in or out of school, so anything LGBTQ+ was always considered highly taboo. I went to elementary, middle, and high schools where anything even remotely considered LGBTQ+ was shunned, bullied, hated on, and so on. So naturally when I started having such thoughts and feelings I immediately bottled them up and kept it all to myself, even trying to forget or push it aside altogether. It wasn't until I was in college that I started to more seriously consider what my feelings meant, rather than trying to bury them.

Add to that a family that's always had a difficult time getting along. In particular my father, who has always--and even now--actively spouted hateful rhetoric about anything LGBTQ+, which always fills me with dread and shame. That said, I know not all of my family is like that, so that's some relief. It's just that my relationship with my dad is complicated. We are very close and we do a lot together--in particular fishing and such--which makes it easy to overlook his incredible biases. But every now and then he will see something in the news or on social media about LGBTQ+ people and immediately go on a tirade about how it's unnatural, "against god", and so on and so forth. (For the record, I am in now way trying to religion bash anyone... though his religion is one of the leading reasons he seems to be so spiteful...). It probably goes without saying, but I have not come out to him or most of my family as of yet. The only one in my immediate family who knows anything is my older brother, and I am grateful to him of being supportive, even if he doesn't understand.

So where does that leave me now? As I said, I've been in a constant battle for a very long time trying to figure out what's going on in my head and heart. I think the most annoying part of this is that I can't even pin down exactly why I feel I should be female most of the time. I can talk about all the so-called "feminine" things that I enjoy, embrace, and think about. But I can just as easily talk about the "masculine" things that I also enjoy too. And the distinction between masculine/feminine thinking is kind of b******t in my opinion anyway, but the way our society still categorizes things in those ways makes my confusion even more intense.

Aaannnddd I am suddenly typing an essay before I knew it. xD Sorry, I did not initially intend for this to be so long-winded. haha... I'm not really expecting any answers that will give me the "oh! that's why! I totally get it now!" feeling (though that'd be great, haha), but I decided to join up here to try and figure out these feelings by talking to others here and try to gain some insights along the way.

To that end, I'm looking forward to spending time here. :D

Offline Alaskan Danielle

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Re: Greetings and Hello! :D
« Reply #1 on: March 21, 2019, 02:26:56 pm »
@Artoria1034
Dear Artoria:
     I am so very glad that you have become a member here and that you found the Susan's Place Forums and have come out of the LURKER ZONE.
   
    Thank you for your introduction posting and telling us about yourself.
    As you continue to post on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you are.   I expect that you will be getting many members offering their thoughts and suggestions as you continue to post here. 

   
     For sure this is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation and as you continue to feel free to share with all of us.
 
    I also want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
   
    I have attached important and informative LINKS that will help you to navigate around the Forums and will allow you to enjoy the features here.     
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle


Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
 
Things that you should read

Offline Tribble

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Re: Greetings and Hello! :D
« Reply #2 on: March 21, 2019, 03:04:33 pm »
I'm not really expecting any answers that will give me the "oh! that's why! I totally get it now!" feeling (though that'd be great, haha)

Hi Artoria!

I'm afraid that in the end only you will be able to decide on your own path, but I'm sure there will be a lot of "Aha!" moments here!

I don't know what it's like growing up in a religious family and the only experiences I really had with strongly held religious beliefs were my aunt and uncle.  I didn't get to see the only episode of "V" (1980s V, not with Morena Baccarin) I missed because we were visiting them and my uncle (my mom's sister's husband) refused to let anything with aliens be shown in his house.  Nothing to do with gender, but I have a picture of what his reaction to me may have been had they remained married and he remained alive in his son, my cousin, even if it was my mom's sister that was one of my two witnesses at my name-change hearing.  My other witness was my mom.

So...I have no idea how your father might react, but my mom's sister remains deeply religious to this day and she's totally accepting of me.  There might be hope.  Some people's perspective change when it's their own loved one that they're faced with.  No promises, but I'm saying there's a chance.

There's a good thread in the Transsexual Talk forum (scroll down under the main heading).  It's an older thread but was brought up again a couple of days ago.  It might help clarify some things, it might not.  It's about always knowing if you were trans.

Shame is a common theme with people that question their gender.  Society is the cause of most of that shame and some of us learn to overcome it and some of us don't.  Your best bet is to seek out a gender therapist.  Any old therapist can be hit-or-miss, so please make sure they know what they're talking about.

I wish you well on your journey.  You're around the same age I was when I transitioned having researched some a few years earlier and then committed to my own journey at 29.
2003-2004 -- Gradual transition -- I didn't correct pronouns and people basically settled on the right ones on their own.
late 2004 -- Orchiectomy.
Late 2015 -- Stupidly saw the political climate and spurned on by my husband's request for a divorce I detransitioned.
2019 -- Rebuilding my wardrobe so I can retransition.  Turns out I cain't bury my true self, after all.  I call these last few years my failed experiment.  At least I found my true feelings were real.

Offline V M

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Re: Greetings and Hello! :D
« Reply #3 on: March 21, 2019, 04:36:23 pm »
Hi Artoria  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's Place  :)  Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M
The main things to remember in life are Love, Kindness, Understanding and Respect - Always make forward progress

Superficial fanny kissing friends are a dime a dozen, a TRUE FRIEND however is PRICELESS

 
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Offline Artoria1034

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Re: Greetings and Hello! :D
« Reply #4 on: March 22, 2019, 07:45:09 am »
Thanks so much Danielle, Tribble and V M for the warm welcomes! :D

Quote from: Tribble
So...I have no idea how your father might react, but my mom's sister remains deeply religious to this day and she's totally accepting of me.  There might be hope.  Some people's perspective change when it's their own loved one that they're faced with.  No promises, but I'm saying there's a chance.

Thanks Tribble, I am really hoping this might be the case with my dad. It's hard to say sometimes, especially when I constantly have to listen to him complaining about or bashing LGBTQ+ people in general. But, my dad is also a good person in other ways too, constantly donating to charities and helping out at local soup kitchens for the homeless. Heck, he also volunteers each Christmas to buy a family in need a bunch of Christmas presents, food, and stuff (usually for single moms with a kid or two who can't afford to give their kids anything for Christmas). So I know he isn't entirely a bad person. I am hoping you're right that he would have a change of heart and perspective if he knew any of this about me. But, it is hard to say. @_@;;

Quote from: Tribble
There's a good thread in the Transsexual Talk forum (scroll down under the main heading).  It's an older thread but was brought up again a couple of days ago.  It might help clarify some things, it might not.  It's about always knowing if you were trans.

Oh perfect, I will check that out when I have time today. :D lol I'm at work right now so I am typing this on-and-off when I get time. haha...

Quote from: Tribble
Shame is a common theme with people that question their gender.  Society is the cause of most of that shame and some of us learn to overcome it and some of us don't.  Your best bet is to seek out a gender therapist.  Any old therapist can be hit-or-miss, so please make sure they know what they're talking about.

This has proven very difficult. I've done some searching and there aren't any good therapists in general in my area, let alone gender specific therapists. Not really sure why, either. I'd have to drive an hour or two to get to the nearest person. Although for the sake of my sanity and overwhelming anxiety, an hour or two of a drive might be worth it. xD Haha...

Anywho, thank you all again! I'm looking forward to my time here! :D

Offline pamelamoore2706

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Re: Greetings and Hello! :D
« Reply #5 on: March 23, 2019, 03:08:40 pm »
Hello everyone! :D

I am new here, although I have lurked for a while just perusing the forums looking for general advice and help. I figured it was about time that I created a profile and tried to get more direct help and talk to people about being trans.

Hmm... I'm never great at this sort of thing so where to start? I guess the easiest thing is to say that I am physically male, aged 33, and am wholly confused about my gender identity. I have been for a very long time, and am constantly wafting between "totally sure I should be female" and "totally ashamed I think that, wtf is wrong with me?"

It's been a little over a decade since I was first enlightened to the possibility of my mental/emotional gender not matching my physical body. And even before then I have always felt wrong in some way. At first I thought that I might simply be gay or bisexual, but even that didn't "feel right" somehow. But growing up and going through school, I quickly found that anything strange or different in any way was immediately ostracized, either in or out of school, so anything LGBTQ+ was always considered highly taboo. I went to elementary, middle, and high schools where anything even remotely considered LGBTQ+ was shunned, bullied, hated on, and so on. So naturally when I started having such thoughts and feelings I immediately bottled them up and kept it all to myself, even trying to forget or push it aside altogether. It wasn't until I was in college that I started to more seriously consider what my feelings meant, rather than trying to bury them.

Add to that a family that's always had a difficult time getting along. In particular my father, who has always--and even now--actively spouted hateful rhetoric about anything LGBTQ+, which always fills me with dread and shame. That said, I know not all of my family is like that, so that's some relief. It's just that my relationship with my dad is complicated. We are very close and we do a lot together--in particular fishing and such--which makes it easy to overlook his incredible biases. But every now and then he will see something in the news or on social media about LGBTQ+ people and immediately go on a tirade about how it's unnatural, "against god", and so on and so forth. (For the record, I am in now way trying to religion bash anyone... though his religion is one of the leading reasons he seems to be so spiteful...). It probably goes without saying, but I have not come out to him or most of my family as of yet. The only one in my immediate family who knows anything is my older brother, and I am grateful to him of being supportive, even if he doesn't understand.

So where does that leave me now? As I said, I've been in a constant battle for a very long time trying to figure out what's going on in my head and heart. I think the most annoying part of this is that I can't even pin down exactly why I feel I should be female most of the time. I can talk about all the so-called "feminine" things that I enjoy, embrace, and think about. But I can just as easily talk about the "masculine" things that I also enjoy too. And the distinction between masculine/feminine thinking is kind of b******t in my opinion anyway, but the way our society still categorizes things in those ways makes my confusion even more intense.

Aaannnddd I am suddenly typing an essay before I knew it. xD Sorry, I did not initially intend for this to be so long-winded. haha... I'm not really expecting any answers that will give me the "oh! that's why! I totally get it now!" feeling (though that'd be great, haha), but I decided to join up here to try and figure out these feelings by talking to others here and try to gain some insights along the way.

To that end, I'm looking forward to spending time here. :D
Hi Artoria,
I think your post beautifully sums up the complexity and the wonder of life. So many people have no clue what a myriad of realities lie within our community. Your post made me stop and have a think about my life because since I found myself it has been pretty straightforward. Thankfully my circumspection resulted in me confirming that i’m just very lucky!
Welcome to our forum!
I think all of us are on individual journeys but even if we cannot provide solutions for each other we can, at least support each other. Xx


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