Author Topic: feeling ugly as the cis partner  (Read 225 times)

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Offline Emerald24

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feeling ugly as the cis partner
« on: March 22, 2019, 05:13:38 pm »
my OH told me she was trans 2 months ago. we have been together 10 years.
my problem is that i am overweight and at the same time have quite muscly arms due to my job, i dont wear makeup or feminine clothes nor do i own any heels or handbags etc I'm not very "stereotypically" feminine and she keeps describing things about herself or her lifestyle that she believes ugly due to not being feminine, she seems unaware that a lot of the time she is describing me.
i have bought exercise equipment and am planning on loosing weight but i fear i will be left with saggy boobs and loose skin and while i transform into a saggy mess she will get more and more beautiful.
i feel selfish and horrible even writing this but i dont know how to begin to feel differently because beforehand when she said i was beautiful i could believe it but now she describes what she finds ugly and not feminine then tells me I'm beautiful the next day and i can only think "all of me except my ugly muscles, lack of makeup skills, dress sense, hairy arms, etc?"
every time she says i wish my jaw was less wide or something i find myself having trouble making her feel better whereas initially if she said something like that i would reassure her that i found her beautiful and always would regardless, whilst reminding her of the wonder of hrt fat redistribution and FFs to look forward to in the future to make her feel better.
i feel wretched and unsupportive, i fully realise that she is suffering dysphoria and must feel awful when she looks at the parts of herself that make her feel male and she needs my support but at the same time i cant help feeling that one day she will become what she feels a woman should be and will take a look at me and see all the things she thinks are ugly in herself now and will stop being attracted to me then stop loving me and i love her so much I'm so scared of that.

i realise its stupid to feel this way because I'm basically straight but when she came downstairs wearing a wig and a skirt and a bra and makeup, the whole 9 yards (i bought her all the stuff after she came out on her request so she could try it out and see how we both felt) she looked so beautiful and so happy with herself it was like i fell in love again. and if i can still love her and be attracted to her even when i didn't think i could be attracted to a woman then I'm an idiot for thinking me loosing weight and possibly having a bit of saggy skin left over would turn her away. i guess its just my hormones making me overly sad and judgmental of myself or something as I'm being investigated at the doctors at the moment for a possible issue with my ovaries :(

i realise this is an awful ramble but i think i just need to hear from some other people on how their relationship was after transitioning and if anyone else had a spouse that felt like me and how they dealt with it. i have mentioned my feelings to her a bit but i dont want to make her feel like she cant talk to me about how she feels for fear of offending me, i want to support her as much as possible and i think if she cant tell me her muscles are causing her upset today because she is afraid it will make me sad then she just wont tell me and try to deal with it on her own and i dont want that.

Offline Zefoxe

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Re: feeling ugly as the cis partner
« Reply #1 on: March 22, 2019, 06:16:45 pm »
Hi Emerald,

I think you owe yourself a lot more credit then you feel you deserve. This journey is a big one and the fact you are going out of your way to help your partner in the smallest ways possible will mean the world to them.

The things that bother your partner are most likely years of built up repressed feelings about themselves, there's no need to reflect any of that on yourself though!

If your comfortable tackling excercise/diet to improve yourself, you'll find its very rewarding to be competitive when doing it together as a couple (it also makes it easier because you can keep each other on track)

I can't speak too well of my relationship with my wife at the moment as we are still jumping the hurdles so to say.

But keep positive as you seem to be doing and take each day one at a time!


Offline Faith

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Re: feeling ugly as the cis partner
« Reply #2 on: March 22, 2019, 06:35:18 pm »
I'm with Sabrina on this. You cannot shouldn't compare yourself to what she sees are flaws for herself. I can guarantee you that many of the things that bother me are shared by my wife. Yet, I don't see them on her. I do wonder sometimes what she thinks when I go off on a dysphoria fueled depression rant about myself.

There is nothing wrong with trying to improve yourself though weight-loss and such. Just don't do it out of shame or guilt. Do it for yourself, for your self-esteem, for your health. As for saggy skin, you don't state your age (I'm not asking). Skin is very resilient. Use lots of skin moisturizing product / lotion throughout your weight loss. It'll help. Huge weight loss in a short time is when the skin cannot shrink fast enough.

Attraction, that's a whole different deal. I am still very attracted to my wife. I love her, she loves me. She is no longer attracted to me 'in that way'. It's our last big personal hurdle. One we may never get over.

I don't know if any of that makes sense or helps either. I started typing and that's what came out.

Be supportive, be loving, be yourself. OH .. yes, absolutely talk about things!!! Holding back for fear of hurt feelings is bad. You cannot clear the air if you hold it in. Face your fears by sharing them.
Spirituality is not religion. Religion divides people. Belief in something unites them

Offline krobinson103

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Re: feeling ugly as the cis partner
« Reply #3 on: March 22, 2019, 06:44:59 pm »
A lot of the things I dislike in myself my cis girlfriend isn't too fond of in herself! That being said I don't care about any of them.. I love her not what she perceives to be her flaws. Its a bit of a double standard I know, but, its not a competition and there are no 'rules' as to exactly how a woman has to present... :)

You should share your feelings with her. I suspect it may help you both.
Every day is a totally awesome day
Every day provides opportunities and challenges
Every challenge leads to an opportunity
Every fear faced leads to one more strength
Every strength leads to greater success
Success leads to self esteem
Self Esteem leads to happiness.
Cherish every day.

Offline Emerald24

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Re: feeling ugly as the cis partner
« Reply #4 on: March 22, 2019, 07:23:46 pm »
thankyou for the replies they make me feel better i should talk to her I'm just afraid of wording it wrong and coming off the wrong way. im 27 but the saggy skin thing is mainly because i put a lot of weight on when i was pregnant with our son and got a lot of stretch marks around my stomach and a few elsewhere and i feel like i would put the effort in to loose weight only to look in the mirror and be more unhappy with what i see then i am now. of course she tells me the stretch marks are beautiful as they are from the creation of our son... she knows how to make me feel better :)

Offline itsApril

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Re: feeling ugly as the cis partner
« Reply #5 on: March 23, 2019, 02:14:30 pm »
Good morning, Emerald24!

By all means, talk to OH about how you feel.  I know it's hard to speak about your internal feelings or doubts, but there's nothing you are describing that even comes close to the anxiety and fear she must have felt in telling you that she is trans.  Many trans folks go for years without telling anyone what they feel inside because they believe that even their closest friends and family members will reject them if they know.

The good news for you is that the misgivings you have about your own body, appearance, mannerisms, etc. mostly relate to things that are partly or mostly within your power to change.  Your OH is going through the same process, but in her case she's struggling against much tougher headwinds due to the legacy of a masculinizing hormonal history and the behaviors she learned as a child.

You might want to think of this as a joint project.  Both of you apparently want to move in the same direction of creating an appearance that you see as more pleasing, attractive, traditionally feminine.  So can you approach this as partners, working together in the same effort?

You might also want to talk with a therapist.  You're under a LOT of pressure and you're carrying a LOT of emotional stress.  You're working, caring for a child, and dealing with the stress of an evolving relationship with OH in addition to your own self-doubts.  A good therapist can help you organize your thoughts and efforts in a way that can help you make the changes you want to make.

Just to put things in perspective, from the point of view of the folks here at Susan's, you are ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIC!  OH came out to you - probably fearing for the worst.  But you have stood by her and supported her and clearly made great efforts to understand what she is going through.  She is SO LUCKY to have YOU in her life!
« Last Edit: March 24, 2019, 03:04:34 am by itsApril »