Author Topic: Why did I wait so long?  (Read 505 times)

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Offline KimOct

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Why did I wait so long?
« on: March 22, 2019, 11:01:06 pm »
I have a purpose with this thread.  It is to tell my story.  Not for the attention or support.  My goal is to share how I got here, why I waited so long and why I am glad I did it. 

My hope is to motivate others that are struggling to find the courage to find their path.  As I have said many times before I don't know everything, I don't have this all figured out but what I do have is the wisdom of hindsight and I want to share that with others that are following me on this journey.

From a very young age I wished I was female.  I read about it, thought about it, searched out movies, TV, books, magazines etc etc.  Anything that had a sex change topic.  I wore my Mom's clothes, used makeup whenever I could sneak it and in my 20s I started to get the courage to buy wigs, clothes, makeup, fake breasts etc.  I bought a bunch of fiction books (Sandy Thomas) that were short books about sex change fiction.

I visited internet sites from around 1995 to 2015 that had fantasy such as Fictionmania and others.  I used to be embarrassed to admit this stuff but it was all part of the journey.  I dressed in private as often as I could.  It was also a sexual turn on but I knew that it was not just a fetish, I knew I wanted to be female.

The last few paragraphs are typical for most of us.  So what changed for me.  Why did I transition?

Well, like most of us in the closet I had purged and reacquired my female stuff several times over the years.  In 2016 I began reacquiring and was driving back from Chicago to Mpls.  There is a shop in suburban Chicago that caters to CD and TS.  It has been around many years.  Some of you probably know it.

They kind of know me as I always chat with the owner when I visit.  I started going there for makeovers in 2005.
Anyway I was driving back on that day in early 2016 and I was SO happy.  I stopped twice for gas and both cashiers commented that I was their happiest customer all day.  I kept thinking about that the rest of the way home.

That night I decided - this is stupid - why am I hiding.  I am going to die sometime in the next 2 to 20 years and I will have spent my life hiding.  So the next day I called the woman that was to become my therapist.  I knew her from an entirely different reason.  I began seeing her 3 years ago this month.

Here's the thing.  I nearly died in the past.  I had a massive heart attack in 2005 and my survival odds were low.  Also I contracted cancer from a medication I was taking. (They hid the proof for years - another story ) 

I should have been one of the millions of transpeople that never came out.  But I was lucky.  I survived more than once.  Now I am living my real life.  I really should have never had the chance.  I was scared.  I hid. WHY ???

Because what other people thought of me mattered more than being my true self.
THINK ABOUT THE SENTENCE ABOVE.  How stupid is that?  I know many of you here are doing the same thing.  Believe me it is not worth it.  Was transitioning hard?  Damn right it was.  Am I glad I did it?  I could not be happier.

Don't let fear control you.  It is a waste and it has a sad ending.

Should everyone transition?  Absolutely not.  Some people are non binary, some people are just sexually turned on by fetish play.  That's great.

What is not great is lying to yourself because of fear.  Chances are pretty good that if you are on this site you have gender issues.  Face them, confront them, be honest with yourself and then live as your authentic self whatever that may be.

I got a second and a third chance, I was lucky.  Don't waste this life, it is your one shot.  I almost wasted mine but I got bonus time.  Don't look back in regret.

Most of all, find your peace and hopefully your happiness.
The first transphobe you have to conquer is yourself

Offline Magnolia88

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Re: Why did I wait so long?
« Reply #1 on: March 23, 2019, 12:56:12 am »
Thank you for sharing your story. I needed to see this.

Offline KathyLauren

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Re: Why did I wait so long?
« Reply #2 on: March 23, 2019, 07:23:20 am »
This story is one shared by so many of us.  The details vary, of course, but the journey is the same.  Thank you for sharing your journey so that others can find the way.
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly, beginning full-time; 2017-07-10 Legal name change; 2019-02-15 Approval for GRS

Offline TonyaW

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Re: Why did I wait so long?
« Reply #3 on: March 23, 2019, 07:54:05 am »
Your back story could have been written by quite a few us here.  A final attempt to "man up" and make it all go away that obviously failed is what led me to a therapist.  The rest you, might say, is herstory.

I am much happier with myself and despite  the occasional bout of dysphoria, which is more body centric now, I actually like myself now.

Happy as I've ever been though?   Not quite, because my wife has struggled with it. Transition was something I  know I had to do but I am sorry and not happy about being the source of her struggles.

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Offline CynthiaAnn

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Re: Why did I wait so long?
« Reply #4 on: March 23, 2019, 07:56:39 am »
Very nice post Kim and thanks for sharing here.

Congratulations to you on being a survivor, you had the insights to take action.

Hugs

Cynthia -
it just feels right......

Offline Alaskan Danielle

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Re: Why did I wait so long?
« Reply #5 on: March 23, 2019, 09:46:18 am »
@KimOct
Dear Kim:
I first saw and read your post late last night and did not have the time to digest it and respond to it...
 
This morning I took time to carefully read it again and I have to say, like some of the other members that have already commented, what you wrote could have easily been the experiences that many of us here on the Forums could have written about in their own lives as transitioning became a reality.

What I had written in my own personal pen and paper journal in the times before I decided to transition there are many similarities to much of what you wrote.

As a final conclusion, even with the non-acceptance issues with my parents, extended family members and "past/old" friends back home, and certainly as I have detailed in my thread and various posts around the forums, I am as "Happy as I've ever been." ...  and "I am definitively not looking back with any regret."

Thank you for sharing your personal story and posting your comments, many on here will find what you stated very helpful.
Hugs and best wishes,
Danielle

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Why did I wait so long?
« Reply #6 on: March 23, 2019, 10:51:44 am »
Hey Kim:

I really want to thank you for writing this.  I helps me every time I read the personal stories here.  Its like reading my own over and over again. 

It reminds me that the painful shame that I hid all these years was not my pain alone.  We are all victims and we all need to understand that.  It took me a long time, with your help and everyone else's, for me to finally get it. 

It's not our fault. 

We had no control over how our gender was pre-wired and then how our bodies were built.  Society gave us no tools back then to have any conceptual idea of what happened to us nor way to verbalize our confusion and pain.  We were bottled up with fear and shame for decades.

The next challenge is figuring out what each of us needs to do next.  Thank you for your courage and for sharing.

Big hug,

Emma

Offline Megan.

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Re: Why did I wait so long?
« Reply #7 on: March 23, 2019, 10:58:21 am »
Great OP, thank you for sharing. X

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Offline KimOct

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Re: Why did I wait so long?
« Reply #8 on: March 23, 2019, 12:37:33 pm »
Thank you to everyone for your kindness, I am touched.  I am here because I want to help because others helped me.

Sometimes I am a bit tough and opinionated.  Tough love I guess.  That is what helped me transition.  I had one mentor in particular her board name was 'bad tranny'.  Some of you may recognize her from elsewhere.  She asked me really difficult questions and helped me realize that it was my own fears and internalized transphobia that was my issue.

I think I have expanded on what I got from her but she set the foundation for my beliefs. But tough love is not the only piece to the puzzle, Ashley was a very different and very positive influence.  Ashley is so positive and encouraging.  It is not because she did not have her own struggles, believe me she did but she has chosen to create the life she wanted through a positive attitude.

Both of these are great approaches to both living our authentic lives and also just life in general.  I am very thankful to both of them and many others that helped me get here.  OK I will take a smidgen of the credit.   :D

If I ever post something that seems harsh or judgmental it is only intended as food for thought.  My one wish is for everyone here to find the best path for themselves.  Sometimes that takes a little nudge.  :)
The first transphobe you have to conquer is yourself

Offline Margrit

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Re: Why did I wait so long?
« Reply #9 on: March 23, 2019, 03:19:00 pm »
Dear KimOct

I really have to say thank you so much for to share your story. Your have to be verrryyyy veryyyy proud of your self. I am proud of you.

Best wishes
Margrit

Offline Jillieann Rose

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Re: Why did I wait so long?
« Reply #10 on: March 23, 2019, 07:17:31 pm »
"Because what other people thought of me mattered more than being my true self.
THINK ABOUT THE SENTENCE ABOVE.  How stupid is that?  I know many of you here are doing the same thing.  Believe me it is not worth it.  Was transitioning hard?  Damn right it was.  Am I glad I did it?  I could not be happier."

Great words and I couldn't put it better. I started transitioning 10 years ago and it has only gotten better.
I would have loved to have started earlier in life but didn't have the courage. But now I'm living my life long dream.
Don't let fear of other stop you.
Jillieann

Offline Rachel

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Re: Why did I wait so long?
« Reply #11 on: March 23, 2019, 08:45:45 pm »
Kim, thanks for sharing your story. I am glad you pulled through the health issues and had a chance to be yourself.

HRT  5-28-2013
FT   11-13-2015
FFS   9-16-2016 -Spiegel
GCS 11-15-2016 - McGinn
Hair Grafts 3-20-2017 - Cooley
Voice therapy start 3-2017 - Reene Blaker
Labiaplasty 5-15-2017 - McGinn
BA 7-12-2017 - McGinn
Hair grafts 9-25-2017 Dr.Cooley
Sataloff Cricothyroid subluxation and trachea shave12-11-2017
Dr. McGinn labiaplasty, hood repair, scar removal, graph repair and bottom of  vagina finished. urethra repositioned. 4-4-2018
Dr. Sataloff Glottoplasty 5-14-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal in office procedure 10-22-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal revision 2 4-3-2019 Bottom of vagina closed off, fat injected into the labia and urethra repositioned.

Offline alisons

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Re: Why did I wait so long?
« Reply #12 on: March 23, 2019, 09:03:41 pm »
Hi Kim,

Reading this made me realise how many of us have lived a similar life (StorySite was my internet site), even if we live on different parts of this earth. I am so glad you overcame the health issues and have become the wonderful woman you are today.

Take care and enjoy yourself.

Alison xx


Offline tgirlamg

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Re: Why did I wait so long?
« Reply #13 on: March 24, 2019, 07:57:52 pm »
Thank you to everyone for your kindness, I am touched. I am here because I want to help because others helped me.

I think I have expanded on what I got from her but she set the foundation for my beliefs. But tough love is not the only piece to the puzzle, Ashley was a very different and very positive influence.  Ashley is so positive and encouraging.  It is not because she did not have her own struggles, believe me she did but she has chosen to create the life she wanted through a positive attitude.

Kim!!!

Thank you for the kind and generous words my precious sister... It has been an absolute pleasure to watch and be a small part in your journey since we first met... I told you long ago, there was something about you that spoke to me from the first moment... You continue to give me opportunities to pat myself on the back for my well trained eye and good instincts!!! lol 🤗

Thank you for putting yourself out there... fighting the good fight of helping others see that they can FIND IT ALL... and more!!!…  in what can seem at times, a losing game... it is NEVER that...

It is what we make of it... It is ALWAYS a choice... There is great value in our struggles...

“You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star” ... Frederick Nieztche

Thanks for helping the girls on the path behind us see that!

Onward we go brave little sister!!!

Hugs and Love,

Ashley 🙋‍♀️💕🤗

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment” ... Ralph Waldo Emerson 🌸

“The individual has always had to struggle from being overwhelmed by the tribe... But, no price is too high for the privilege of owning yourself” ... Rudyard Kipling 🌸

Let go of the things that no longer serve you... Let go of the pretense of the false persona, it is not you... Let go of the armor that you have worn for a lifetime, to serve the expectations of others and, to protect the woman inside... She needs protection no longer.... She is tired of hiding and more courageous than you know... Let her prove that to you....Let her step out of the dark and feel the light upon her face.... amg🌸
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,210798.1520.html

Offline Zoey421

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Re: Why did I wait so long?
« Reply #14 on: April 05, 2019, 02:41:40 pm »
Hi Kim,

I has been a long time since I have commented regularly because of business travel the last 2 months. I wanted to respond and say thank you for your post.

You wrote: "Because what other people thought of me mattered more than being my true self.THINK ABOUT THE SENTENCE ABOVE.  How stupid is that?"

Wow, I can totally relate to that even today.  I am very happy with who I am, even as I make a trip to my therapist. This happiness  is not without being concerned about what other people think of me: my daughter; my son; my fellow professional accountants; the 4,700 members of the charity I lead; my oldest and dearest friends; social media.

I came out in November 2018, started living and dressing as a woman for 95% of the time in mod January 2019. Came out to 3 boards of Directors on which I serve and to my bosses,  the board of the charity I lead.

4 months has been a whirlwind but I know others, like you,  have struggled with finding their true selves for years and decades. Your example gives me hope, tough love and all. 3 chances to discover and accept your true self show perseverance to believe in you.

Like you, as well, Ashley has been an immense source of positive support and influence, not to mention an amazing virtual shopping sister!

Thank you for sharing, thank you to everyone on this site for being supportive.

Luv you all, Zoe



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Offline KimOct

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Re: Why did I wait so long?
« Reply #15 on: April 05, 2019, 08:48:31 pm »
ZOEY !!!!  Hey sister !!!  Good to hear from you.  I was wondering about you last week.  I thought maybe this site was in the rear view mirror for you.  I spoke to Ashley on the phone recently and I know you two are in touch.

What I thought might have been the reason for your absence was obviously incorrect but I will share what was my guess anyway.  You are probably the most advanced (for lack of a better word ) transwoman I have met in person or on a forum with respect to where your 'head' is at so early in transition.  I thought you had moved on already.

Many people move on eventually from forums such as this.  There are fortunately some people here with 'tenure'.  I have only been here a year but I spent a few years on a different forum. ( I like it here much better )

So I am glad to have been wrong.  Hope to see you from time to time and you definitely could not have found a better friend than Ashley.  She should clone herself.  We all need a little bit of Ashley in our lives.
The first transphobe you have to conquer is yourself

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