Author Topic: Back with tail between my legs :(  (Read 412 times)

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Offline MarieLouise1982

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Back with tail between my legs :(
« on: March 26, 2019, 02:06:21 am »
Hey all

Sorry I haven’t been around , my last post was probably last summer when things were going ok , well so I thought. I had talked to my better half about hrt and although she wasn’t overly comfortable , she said ok try it but take it slowly , because of the kids. So my plan was to see how things progressed over 2-4 years and take each day as they come. Long story short I went to gendergp and my doctor got the relevant stuff done and I was issued with my first lot of hrt. And the journey began. After about a month I felt ok , my mind seemed calmer and I was happy. We were doing more things together , painting each other’s toes , shopping going out. We went to our first LFF (Leeds First Friday) which was great. Then out the blue she broke down one night and said it was all happening too quick , that she wasn’t keen on the meds at all. I think deep down I knew this but she was just trying to make me happy. Well needless to say we talked and cried a lot and at that time I felt ok with myself and doing what we were doing I thought we could still do but without the meds. So I stopped and tried to carry on where we left off. But slowly I fell back into the routine that I had always known and “Marie” drifted away once more. So I began doing it in my own time again when no one was around , and it felt like my dirty little secret AGAIN. Come the new year and for some reason my depression is always worse between December and April , I’m struggling again , I really think I need hrt to cope. Has anyone had any similar experiences ? Does the hrt really help that much?

Thanks in advance

Marie x

Offline SadieBlake

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Re: Back with tail between my legs :(
« Reply #1 on: March 26, 2019, 03:14:52 am »
It made the necessary difference to me. I had a pretty good inkling at a month of her that I'd be proceeding to GCS and started looking at surgeons within 2 months, had my GCS 16 months after I started HRT. However this was also after 18+ years of living privately as femme while still presenting butch in daily life.

My transition pre-HRT was mostly socialization and while I wasn't comfortable wearing dresses before GCS, after surgery it has been shirts ) dresses 99% of the time.

So today while I still don't pass, I'm immeasurably happier. I make myself as femme as I can, feel my presentation is happy for me.

My partner wasn't a fan of GCS and HRT was a big adjustment also, however I never presented it as an option, once I started, the path was clear and I don't regret any step along the way.
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Offline Sabrina Rei

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Re: Back with tail between my legs :(
« Reply #2 on: March 26, 2019, 04:47:19 am »
Hey all

Sorry I haven’t been around , my last post was probably last summer when things were going ok , well so I thought. I had talked to my better half about hrt and although she wasn’t overly comfortable , she said ok try it but take it slowly , because of the kids. So my plan was to see how things progressed over 2-4 years and take each day as they come. Long story short I went to gendergp and my doctor got the relevant stuff done and I was issued with my first lot of hrt. And the journey began. After about a month I felt ok , my mind seemed calmer and I was happy. We were doing more things together , painting each other’s toes , shopping going out. We went to our first LFF (Leeds First Friday) which was great. Then out the blue she broke down one night and said it was all happening too quick , that she wasn’t keen on the meds at all. I think deep down I knew this but she was just trying to make me happy. Well needless to say we talked and cried a lot and at that time I felt ok with myself and doing what we were doing I thought we could still do but without the meds. So I stopped and tried to carry on where we left off. But slowly I fell back into the routine that I had always known and “Marie” drifted away once more. So I began doing it in my own time again when no one was around , and it felt like my dirty little secret AGAIN. Come the new year and for some reason my depression is always worse between December and April , I’m struggling again , I really think I need hrt to cope. Has anyone had any similar experiences ? Does the hrt really help that much?

Thanks in advance

Marie x

You may need to think about her happiness not as a separate thing from your own but as the same thing. Right now, you want to please her and on some other level you want only to please yourself. She’s likely the same from what you’ve said. This will never be satisfying for either of you. Find out what her concerns truly are (sexuality, intimacy, abandonment, children (you didn’t mention anything so I’m including it,) how will she tell her parents, will this effect your work, will this make her the man in the relationship) and once you know, begin to make a plan.

How would you being on HRT make your lives better? With my wife I told her that I was a better, more caring, attentive partner, parent, child and co-worker and then I immediately showed her through my actions that this was the case. I didn’t have to fake any of that because for me, it was absolutely true! Don’t make big empty promises about how everything is going to be fine. You can’t know that. Just tell her that you’ll be open and honest and tackle any challenges together. She needs to know that you’re in it together and that if something isn’t working you won’t string her along. If you can give her that kind of reassurance, she just might see the upside.

You have to admit. on the surface your transition has no upside for her and it threatens to upend her long term goals for the relationship. Show her what she’s missing and maybe she’ll still say no, but at least then you’ll know where both of you stand.

Also, and I have to stress this, I am not saying HRT is right for you. Only you can answer that. If your wife is like mine, she will try to make concessions about cross dressing or adding mild feminine touches. Be prepared with your answer.

Offline Sophiaprincess2019

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Re: Back with tail between my legs :(
« Reply #3 on: March 26, 2019, 06:07:36 am »
I really think I need hrt to cope. Has anyone had any similar experiences ? Does the hrt really help that much?

I think you could look at this situation in this light: Determine what HRT brings you. You mentioned being more calm, happy, etc. You may want to ask yourself "Does transitioning bring me the life I want?" Ultimately your wife and kids will understand and accept you, some just take more time than others. Keep in mind HRT itself is what brings us to our desired gender identity physically. Social/mental transition usually takes years and a lot of introspection just as growing up as cis gender female would have, therefore, proceeding at a rate your wife and kids are comfortable is something that may take fine tuning.

There are people on this forum who transitioned to being female socially without meds at all, changing mannerisms, clothing, gestures, use of language, voice training and "feeling" feminine having never taken HRT,, so it IS possible to transition without meds, all depends on your comfort level. Look at my avatar picture (red dress) huge smile right? I'm really smiling from the inside out. That picture was taken weeks before I started HRT. I had already decided (in my mind) I was female and nothing would stop me from being happy.

Best of luck Marie,

Sophia

1978 Played in girl clothes
1988 Dressed in girl clothes
2018 Dreamed of becoming a girl
12-8-2018 Knew I was a woman
2-22-2019 Started HRT

Online pamelatransuk

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Re: Back with tail between my legs :(
« Reply #4 on: March 26, 2019, 06:29:43 am »
Hello Marie and so nice to see your return to posting on Susans!

I remember last summer we chatted on the "Where in the UK, are you?" thread and I thank you for resurrecting that thread today.

I remember last summer we chatted about a possible UK Meet Up which you suggested and then later Megan took over and the UK Meet Up took place in Birmingham on September 22nd. Unfortunately I did not apply to attend it as I knew I would be on holiday at the time. The "UK Meet Up" thread proved it to have been successful and it was decided to hold another in due course.

It was eventually decided to have the first UK Meet Up of this year in Manchester on March 16th; I suggested this date to Emma and she agreed and she arranged. It did indeed take place just 10 days ago and a great time was had by all. Needless to say, I always intended to attend this one and attended accordingly and it gave me great confidence. You may wish to see the UK Meet Up 2019 thread here on Transgender Talk Board if you have not already read it. These are likely to take place bi-annually with the next one perhaps on October 5th or 12th in the South.

Now on to your HRT questions:

1. First of all, I agree with you completely about the time of the year. I hate December and January (or to be precise say about 7 weeks either side of December 21st meaning roughly November 8th to February 6th as it is constantly dark and that definitely increases my depression. I don't like the cold either but I would rather have it cold than dark for so many hours. Such is SAD!

2. I always knew I was trans but buried and suppressed for decades (for the sake of family/friends/career) managing to get by with crossdressing and bodyshaving all my adult life and no HRT. However after I took early retirement to look after my mum (2013) and after she passed (2015), my Gender Dysphoria became so dominant, that I had no choice other than to seek therapy followed by HRT and both with GenderGP just like you. My experience is that one can suppress GD temporarily but it always comes back usually at a higher rate and perhaps this has happened to you since December.

3. I have been on HRT 13 months. Very soon after starting I experienced a feeling of peace and calm and within 3 months I knew I was on "the right fuel". I can feel more emotions and cry more and laugh more. My aggravation has gone and I am more patient and relaxed but still somewhat depressed at times. My senses of both smell and taste have improved. I have gained physical attributes including growing boobs and softer skin. HRT has greatly helped me. I was motivated to travel to UK Meet Up on March 16th as Pamela and to appreciate the whole event as Pamela. This was my first time out of SE Liverpool en femme. I am definitely going fulltime as Pamela in Summer.

It must be your choice in discussion with your partner of course, but I believe you and perhaps your relationship together may gain by you resuming HRT with GenderGP.

I wish you resolution and happiness and also you may wish to consider the next UK Meet Up in October?

Hugs

Pamela  xx
 



Offline Jeal

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Re: Back with tail between my legs :(
« Reply #5 on: March 26, 2019, 01:56:22 pm »
So I stopped and tried to carry on where we left off. But slowly I fell back into the routine that I had always known and “Marie” drifted away once more. So I began doing it in my own time again when no one was around , and it felt like my dirty little secret AGAIN. Come the new year and for some reason my depression is always worse between December and April , I’m struggling again , I really think I need hrt to cope. Has anyone had any similar experiences ? Does the hrt really help that much?

I feel for you.  I have a similar situation.  The hardest thing for me is to be honest with my wife about what I am doing with meds and feminization, because it usually triggers her and then me, and then things are just a mess for a few days or weeks until we find our balance again.  When I am 'sneaky' she hates it, but when I am honest, she is hurt/angry.

So far HRT is helping me feel more peaceful and more communicative.  The changes are starting to have a positive impact on my wife's behavior towards me, but also cementing in her the feeling that she doesn't want a wife as I present and behave more naturally at home.  We are finally starting to formulate a new relationship, and we are both grieving the losses, but I think that  only I feel the potential optimism, so she is still angry/grieving without seeing the 'up side'.  I believe there IS one, but she would clearly prefer hitting the rewind button and deal with a depressed reclusive husband.

For me, I had to give up responsibility to 'protect' her, but also be more allowing of her to have her own emotions and not be supportive.  It was a very hard choice for me, and I don't pretend that I know what is best for you.  I have moments where I wish I could close Pandora's box and go backwards too.

December and January were HARD months.  The sunshine has helped me immeasurably!  I wish you all the best,

Jael
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Offline barbie

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Re: Back with tail between my legs :(
« Reply #6 on: March 26, 2019, 02:47:32 pm »
About 10 years ago, I got a letter from a psychiatrist for approving HRT, but the physician refused to issue prescription for me. The physician was the number one regarding GRS here in S. Korea, undergoing SRS for more than a thousand patients. He said to me that he would prescribe HRT for me if I visit again with my wife, and she agrees. I gave up at that point.

I learned that HRT is substantially different compared with crossdressing or other feminization. With HRT, the wife would lose her husband, replaced with a strange, new woman. The physician explained it to me.

I also sometimes become severely depressed. To cope with it, I exercise intensively outdoors. Outdoor exercise such as running and biking has helped me maintain my mentality so far. Exercise boosts my libido, driving me to the feminine mode.

barbie~~
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Offline Jeal

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Re: Back with tail between my legs :(
« Reply #7 on: March 26, 2019, 03:17:46 pm »
About 10 years ago, I got a letter from a psychiatrist for approving HRT, but the physician refused to issue prescription for me. The physician was the number one regarding GRS here in S. Korea, undergoing SRS for more than a thousand patients. He said to me that he would prescribe HRT for me if I visit again with my wife, and she agrees. I gave up at that point.

I learned that HRT is substantially different compared with crossdressing or other feminization. With HRT, the wife would lose her husband, replaced with a strange, new woman. The physician explained it to me.

I also sometimes become severely depressed. To cope with it, I exercise intensively outdoors. Outdoor exercise such as running and biking has helped me maintain my mentality so far. Exercise boosts my libido, driving me to the feminine mode.

barbie~~

That is really interesting Barbie. I find exercise, particularly dance helps me tremendously.
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Offline MarieLouise1982

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Re: Back with tail between my legs :(
« Reply #8 on: March 26, 2019, 04:34:49 pm »
Thanks everyone for your input. I’ve tried in the past to be as honest as I can about what I want at the end of all this and now. I don’t want my family to dissolve , I don’t want my kids calling someone else “dad” I don’t want my kids growing up being victims of hurtful comments. If I could turn it off I simply would. But as things are I can’t and I know that a lot of people say that we are selfish or that transitioning is selfish. I’ve thought hard about being in thier shoes , but they never seem to try on mine/ours. (So to speak) I feel like I’m walking around wounded and nobody close to me seems to want to help me heel. I think things are getting harder now because all
My life I’ve given myself goals and kept myself busy and mind working hard. Now I’ve achieved those goals there is only one left , be me. I really need to be me but it won’t happen without some upset in my life. I explained to my mom the weekend that I felt so much better whilst on hrt , her answer “ Go back on the meds then” my moms so cool I love her. I just wish everyone else had the same perception.

Marie x

Offline RandyL

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Re: Back with tail between my legs :(
« Reply #9 on: March 27, 2019, 07:09:28 pm »
About 10 years ago, I got a letter from a psychiatrist for approving HRT, but the physician refused to issue prescription for me. The physician was the number one regarding GRS here in S. Korea, undergoing SRS for more than a thousand patients. He said to me that he would prescribe HRT for me if I visit again with my wife, and she agrees. I gave up at that point.

I learned that HRT is substantially different compared with crossdressing or other feminization. With HRT, the wife would lose her husband, replaced with a strange, new woman. The physician explained it to me.

I also sometimes become severely depressed. To cope with it, I exercise intensively outdoors. Outdoor exercise such as running and biking has helped me maintain my mentality so far. Exercise boosts my libido, driving me to the feminine mode.

barbie~~
Thank you Barbie! I feel like I'm in a very similar place. My wife has drawn a hard line at "no HRT" and I am struggling to be Ok with crossdressing. For me also, exercise, especially running on trails and bicycling, help me a lot. I am sometimes depressed, but it helps me to hear from somebody else who has managed this for 10 years
Randy

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If so, then why not?

Offline Jessica_Rose

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Re: Back with tail between my legs :(
« Reply #10 on: March 27, 2019, 07:49:40 pm »
Marie, like SadieBlake I did not give my spouse a choice. If I had not taken this route I may well have taken my life by now. When I came out to my wife she was mad as hell for a long time. After I had been on HRT for about 18 months she realized the positive way it had affected my behavior. My anger is gone, and my wife is no longer scared of me. Now she says that there is only one thing she misses, and I have responded that we can always just buy one of those! There were many times I thought our marriage was over, but I am happy to say that we are still together (our 35th anniversary is in June). This could cost your marriage, your relatives, and your friends, but it could also bring you more joy than you have ever known. Only you know if HRT is the right path.

One of my favorite lyrics, from 'King of Anything' by Sara Bareillis:
"All my life I've tried to make everyone happy, while I just hurt and hide waiting for someone to tell me it's my turn to decide".

Love always -- Jessica Rose
My journal thread - Jessica's Rose Garden
My National Coming Out Day video - Coming Out - Jessica Rose
My GCS Thread - GCS and BA with Dr. Ley on 21 Feb 2019 - Jessica_Rose
23 Mar 2017 - Started Estradiol  //  16 Feb 2018 - Full Time!  //  21 Feb 2019 - GCS w/Dr. Ley
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Offline Jeal

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Re: Back with tail between my legs :(
« Reply #11 on: March 28, 2019, 02:47:48 pm »
Thanks everyone for your input. I’ve tried in the past to be as honest as I can about what I want at the end of all this and now. I don’t want my family to dissolve , I don’t want my kids calling someone else “dad” I don’t want my kids growing up being victims of hurtful comments. If I could turn it off I simply would. But as things are I can’t and I know that a lot of people say that we are selfish or that transitioning is selfish. I’ve thought hard about being in thier shoes , but they never seem to try on mine/ours. (So to speak) I feel like I’m walking around wounded and nobody close to me seems to want to help me heel. I think things are getting harder now because all
My life I’ve given myself goals and kept myself busy and mind working hard. Now I’ve achieved those goals there is only one left , be me. I really need to be me but it won’t happen without some upset in my life. I explained to my mom the weekend that I felt so much better whilst on hrt , her answer “ Go back on the meds then” my moms so cool I love her. I just wish everyone else had the same perception.

I feel like I could have written all of that post, except the part about your Mom :D, although my cousin fills that role nicely and has been AMAZING.

I don't know if my marriage will survive.  It could end up like Jessica, with a lasting relationship, but we may also separate in a few years.  It seems like we do at least have a good chance of staying friends and co parents either way.

She has, grudgingly, commented that I am nicer and calmer in some ways since being on HRT, and  it has taken the edge off of her anger.  Sometimes it is the stupid little things like doing extra housework because I a not so depressed that I think have made a big difference.
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Offline PurplePelican

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Re: Back with tail between my legs :(
« Reply #12 on: March 28, 2019, 03:40:15 pm »
About 10 years ago, I got a letter from a psychiatrist for approving HRT, but the physician refused to issue prescription for me. The physician was the number one regarding GRS here in S. Korea, undergoing SRS for more than a thousand patients. He said to me that he would prescribe HRT for me if I visit again with my wife, and she agrees. I gave up at that point.

I learned that HRT is substantially different compared with crossdressing or other feminization. With HRT, the wife would lose her husband, replaced with a strange, new woman. The physician explained it to me.

I also sometimes become severely depressed. To cope with it, I exercise intensively outdoors. Outdoor exercise such as running and biking has helped me maintain my mentality so far. Exercise boosts my libido, driving me to the feminine mode.

barbie~~

Your doc is spinning patriarchal rubbish. Requiring your wife to approve is gatekeeping of the worst sort and would be considered unethical (and probably illegal) in most western countries. If I had a doctor try that here in Australia, they'd be in need of a new career - they would lose their ability to practice medicine.

As far as HRT making you in to a "strange, new woman", well, he's mistaken. I don't know anyone who would claim it turned them into a completely new person.. At best, I suppose the lack of depression and anxiety might seen like such a change. People who have known me for 25+ years have all commented how little I've changed - and I've heard similar stories from other trans people. I'm also unaware of any biological process that is influenced by estradiol that could cause this.
This is not medical advice. Always consult your doctor.

Offline PurplePelican

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Re: Back with tail between my legs :(
« Reply #13 on: March 28, 2019, 03:52:32 pm »
Thanks everyone for your input. I’ve tried in the past to be as honest as I can about what I want at the end of all this and now. I don’t want my family to dissolve , I don’t want my kids calling someone else “dad” I don’t want my kids growing up being victims of hurtful comments. If I could turn it off I simply would. But as things are I can’t and I know that a lot of people say that we are selfish or that transitioning is selfish. I’ve thought hard about being in thier shoes , but they never seem to try on mine/ours. (So to speak) I feel like I’m walking around wounded and nobody close to me seems to want to help me heel. I think things are getting harder now because all
My life I’ve given myself goals and kept myself busy and mind working hard. Now I’ve achieved those goals there is only one left , be me. I really need to be me but it won’t happen without some upset in my life. I explained to my mom the weekend that I felt so much better whilst on hrt , her answer “ Go back on the meds then” my moms so cool I love her. I just wish everyone else had the same perception.

Marie x

My daughter still calls me dad.. And my grandkids have no issue with having a trans grandma - I know more of their friends than their mother does. And yes, some (all?) of their friends know I'm trans.

Anyone that claims that transition is selfish needs a reality check.. Suggesting it as a reason not to take any action is the act of a selfish person - "Oh no, don't do it, it's too hard for me to use a new name and pronouns." is what they are really saying.. It's about as selfish as getting treatment for a medical condition, which is to say, not at all.

Here's a tip: If you don't look after yourself, no one else will.
This is not medical advice. Always consult your doctor.

Offline barbie

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Re: Back with tail between my legs :(
« Reply #14 on: March 28, 2019, 04:03:49 pm »
Thank you Barbie! I feel like I'm in a very similar place. My wife has drawn a hard line at "no HRT" and I am struggling to be Ok with crossdressing. For me also, exercise, especially running on trails and bicycling, help me a lot. I am sometimes depressed, but it helps me to hear from somebody else who has managed this for 10 years
Randy

Yes. There are many options, and it can vary with the situation. Anyway it is your choice, and you are responsible for it.

Exercise relives my depression and helps maintain my health and make me look younger.

Cheers!

barbie~~
Just do it.

Offline barbie

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Re: Back with tail between my legs :(
« Reply #15 on: March 28, 2019, 04:14:50 pm »
Your doc is spinning patriarchal rubbish. Requiring your wife to approve is gatekeeping of the worst sort and would be considered unethical (and probably illegal) in most western countries. If I had a doctor try that here in Australia, they'd be in need of a new career - they would lose their ability to practice medicine.

As far as HRT making you in to a "strange, new woman", well, he's mistaken. I don't know anyone who would claim it turned them into a completely new person.. At best, I suppose the lack of depression and anxiety might seen like such a change. People who have known me for 25+ years have all commented how little I've changed - and I've heard similar stories from other trans people. I'm also unaware of any biological process that is influenced by estradiol that could cause this.

More information is available in the internet regarding the doc.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2594107/SKorea-sex-change-doc-I-correct-Gods-mistakes.html

barbie~~
Just do it.

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