Author Topic: I desperately need some balls  (Read 381 times)

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Offline F_P_M

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I desperately need some balls
« on: April 14, 2019, 07:02:18 am »
I keep flip flopping over this whole coming out/transitioning thing and I feel like such a damn fraud and a coward.

My mother is SUPER sexist and really conservative and kinda annoyingly closed minded so i'm not entirely sure I CAN come out to her without her having a hissy fit and I don't really know how to handle that.

I chickened out on talking to my father about it yesterday as well.

*headdesk* and he's the one I feel will be the most okay!

But I keep just.. I dunno... talking myself out of it. Telling myself i'm being silly, that i've lived this long as a tomboyish girl, why do I need to rock the boat and be "special" by claiming the title of trans?

I've flirted with non binary but it doesn't quite seem right. I really DO want to try HRT to see if T suits my body better than Estrogen and Progesterone do.
And i'm sitting here with a hormon induced headache (AGAIN) feeling pretty miserable in my own skin and thinking "damnit, what if that's the answer? What if my brain is not just in conflict with my body but my hormones are too?"

I feel like feminising hormones are actually poisioning me and have been for the past 20 odd years.
The older I get the sicker I feel as a result of them and my ongoing "hormonal problems"

Certainly my physical health has a large factor in my desire to transition and then I start thinking "is that a legit reason to transition?"and I remind myself that a cisgender woman with hormonal issues would NOT see "becoming a man" as a viable or attractive prospect.
I do.

But still I worry. I worry my mother won't accept me. I worry i'll ruin my relationship with her and lose the only real family support I have in this stupid country (I literally have only my parents over here, that's it)
I worry i'll cause a lot of distress to my children who might not fully understand or worse, may be bullied for it.
That makes me feel guilty and selfish.
I worry my husband won't find me attractive anymore even though he claims he'll support me and is fine with it the reality may be very very different.

I just feel like I could ruin everything.
and it scares me.

but then I feel like.. this aching need to do SOMETHING.

I'm finding the more I get called "girl" the more I dislike it. Now the seed has been planted in my head, i'm finding more and more I just don't WANT to be seen as a girl at all.
But unfortunately I still look pretty dang feminine.
Yesterday I was asked by a stranger if I was my eldest son's "sister" (*sigh*) and then my dad's girlfriend said I looked like a "12 year old girl" and I was like "yeah thanks."

I don't want to look like a 12 year old girl!

and what annoys me is I only got my hair cut (to chin length) a few weeks ago and i'm already thinking "I want it shorter"
At the time I thought i'd be happy with it chin length, it was the shortest i'd ever had it but ultimately it was a compromise in my own mind because I have ALWAYS talked myself out of having my hair properly cut short. I've flirted with the idea of short androgynous hair for years and years but always talked myself out of it or let my mother talk me out of it (she's OBSESSED with me having long hair and presenting girly because SHE'S girly. *sigh* I never was the daughter she wanted and she knows that, but she's really good at the whole denial thing.)
So i had it cut a few years ago from waist length like it had always been to shoulder length, and then a few weeks ago to chin.
And you know, it looks NICE but it's too feminine coupled with my really girly dang face.

But I feel bad about that too because it feels like a waste of money.

Yes, I needed to go from shoulder to chin length before I could feel confident enough to go shorter, I NEEDED to do it in stages for my own sanity, but I told myself i'd wait the 6 weeks before I got it cut again and the more days that tick past the more unhappy I am with how I look and it's driving me insane.

ARGHH.

Normal people would just shrug and get their hair cut again wouldn't they? But not me, no, I feel like I have to "get my money's worth" out of this haircut first. *headdesk*

I just don't know what to do with myself.

I thought if I got my hair cut shorter then maybe sometimes people would mistake me for a young guy and that'd be great, but then I think "who are you kidding? You'll just look like a girl with short hair"
I'd LOVE people to think of me as male, I really would, but I feel like it's not gonna happen.

I have an appointment to ask my doctor for a referral to the GIC at the end of the month but i'm anxious about that as well. Worried she'll tell me i'm being dumb and refuse to refer me, or that she will and i'll wait like a year and go in and be told i'm not "trans enough" or something.
I don't know, Ijust... I feel a bit like a fraud right now.
A selfish fraud who wants to destroy their family all for something as trivial as a dang gender pronoun. *huff*

I mean ultimately it's not about the pronoun, it's about trying to get healthy and feeling comfortable and happy in my own skin rather than resenting it and wanting to curl up in bed and sleep away the years instead, but I also know there's absolutely no guarentee that T will change anything.
And I suppose the fear of trying it and it not helping also scares me, because then i'm out of ideas, out of solutions, out of ways to not be miserable.
and honestly at this point I don't want to live with the regular headaches, the nausea, the painful boobs and agonising cysts in my ovaries that make it so I can't breathe deeply or move when they flare up. The hot flushes, the nightmares (yeah I get nightmares because of hot flushes, fun huh?), the food aversions (Sometimes I can't eat certain things because of the nausea).
I get intense agression (I genuinely right now want to punch bears i'm that hopped up on crazy juice) and insanely fluctuating moods. I go from homicidal rage to sobbing wreck in seconds. My antidepressants don't stand a chance against this PMS and it's getting WORSE. year upon year it just gets worse.
I get sicker and sicker, my health deteriorates more and more and i'm just done with it.

I can't take feminising hormones to try to regulate this. They've tried female hrt and it just made things worse. Estrogen nearly gave me a stroke and progesterone makes the nausea worse and makes me bleed and bleed and bleed.
So they can't even just take my ovaries out becuase then they'd have to give me hrt and estrogen may genuinely KILL ME.

So i'm stuck and i feel really trapped in this body that's falling apart.

If T doesn't work, then what? Sure I can do a social transition but if i'm sick as a dog because of my hormones poisioning me, what'll that really help? I'll still hate my body.

And I suppose that fear makes me pause too. Right now I have hope I can cling to. That while it'll be dang hard and cause a lot of other problems, they're problems I can overcome if transitioning makes me feel WELL again.
I haven't felt truely well since I was 10 years old, before puberty came and took everything.
Puberty ruined my life. I never asked to be a woman, it was just forced upon me and I certainly never asked to be a broken woman with a body that doesn't even work right or know HOW to do anything correctly.

I just.. I want to feel better. I want to be able to actually enjoy my life without this background radiation of despair and resentment toward my own physiology.
I just want to be able to live my life.

But ultimately, i'm a coward, too scared to rock the boat in case I fall in and drown.

and i'm frustrated at myself for this.

I wish I knew for sure it'd change things for the better, but I don't, and it's a huge gamble.

I don't much care about the effects on ME. I mean heck, the perminant side effects of T don't bother me at all. It's the social risks that scare me, and the thought that I could just make my health all that much worse and then i'd be left with nothing.

Is it selfish to do this? Is it better for my kids, for my marriage to just... settle.

I don't want to hurt them.

Offline KathyLauren

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Re: I desperately need some balls
« Reply #1 on: April 14, 2019, 08:01:02 am »
why do I need to rock the boat and be "special" by claiming the title of trans?

Um, because you are?

We all go through this struggle at some point.  The whole idea of transition seems like such an upheaval that we talk ourselves out of it.  Sometimes for years, decades, even.  I was in a similar position to you about 30 years ago.  I talked myself out of transitioning or even admitting that I was trans all that time, until less than three years ago.  Don't do that, it isn't worth it.

Yes, there could be fallout.  You can't control other people's reactions.  I am not quite clear from your post where you are at with your husband about coming out, but it sounds like he is supportive.  If he says he is, then trust him until he isn't. 

I chickened out until both my parents were dead.  I know that my mother was always disappointed that she never had a daughter.  I denied her the chance to meet her daughter she always wanted, and possibly denied myself her loving support.

Don't go looking for "legitimate reasons" to transition.  There is only one reason that is necessary or sufficient, and that is that you are trans.  The GIC may be a pain in the butt - I have heard about their horrendous waiting lists - but they will not deny you as "not trans enough".  I am not a professional and I can't make a diagnosis, but I have seen enough of these posts to recognize that you appear to be as trans as anyone else here.

Ultimately, who are you living your life for?  Yes, there are other people around you whom you have to consider, but ultimately, it is your life.  If you go through it miserable, how will you be able to support them?

Keep your appointment with your doctor.  She is unlikely to deny you the referral.  If she does, go to another doctor.
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly, beginning full-time; 2017-07-10 Legal name change; 2019-02-15 Approval for GRS

Offline Dietlind

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Re: I desperately need some balls
« Reply #2 on: April 14, 2019, 08:13:51 am »
And I just threw a good set of still usable balls away!  If I would have only know!
But in reality, yo need help, and you need help badly.  You need to talk to a gender therapist to first get the fog inside your mind cleared out better, to come to grips with what you want and need from the mental side.
You are not brought into this world to make others happy, but to be happy by yourself.  once you achieved this, it will trickle down to others.  If you sit back and think, why do you want approval of your mother for what you are?  Does she ask you for approval what she is?  You are both adults, and are not dependent on each others approval.  If you get along that is great, but you are not a child anymore who has to seek her approval.
My parents died many years ago, prior to that I thought I could not live without them at all, but guess, I could do it; and you can do it too, if your mother does not want to deal with you anymore.  As flat as it sounds, life goes on!
Your husband and kids is another story.  But you said your husband is supportive, and I know from my experience with my son that you will stay their parent, no matter what.  I maybe a little rocky initially, but that flattens out eventually, and they remain to be your kids.  But they would be way happier kids, if they have a happy parent, instead of a sickly, grumpy mother!
I don't know how good or bad your relation to your husband is, and how deep the love for each other is.  My marriage to the absolutely bestest woman in the world (she is still the love of my life) fell apart because of my anger trying to act like a gender I never really was, and not being able to do so any longer.
We did not really know what was going on with me then, a good therapist may have been able to save our marriage, I don't know?  You are not at that point yet, so you might be able to keep your marriage going if you feel like it?

But again, if you continue like this, you will get as angry and destructive as i was, and everything ill explode anyway!
You have to be happy in order to make others happy!

I have no idea if T is what you need?  But you clearly need some version of medical intervention.  if you can't get it from your current physicians, change them, and find doctors who are willing to help you!

And don't bother about your girlish face!  My facial structure is pretty feminine (intersex, here we  come), and I never had an Adams Apple or a hairy chest or whatever is considered really male, but I came across as a real manly man.
My girlish face was considered to be handsome, and my not so bulky body allowed it to be dressed with pretty fashionable stuff.  They ladies told me more than once that I was a hottie!  I gave this place up and now you can step into that void, and be the hottie guy with the soft face!  Try it!  Cut your hair into a guy cut, if you don't like it, it will grow again!
Start to be yourself, get mental and physical help, and try to do everything you can to feel good!  Once you are a happy person, you will make everybody happy who is around you!

Good luck and hugs! (I wish I would have been as young as you, and could have startet my transition at that time)
Linde







Offline F_P_M

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Re: I desperately need some balls
« Reply #3 on: April 14, 2019, 08:38:50 am »
thank you both of you.

I'm struggling today I admit. I'm hopped up on hormones I hate, feeling extremely sick and vulnerable. I've got the dang shakes even.

I can't keep living like this, I really can't. It's taken so much of my life from me. I missed so much school because of the pain i was in, I dropped out of university because of it coupled with the depression caused by no doctor listening to me or helping me.
The only good that's ever come from my female body is my three miracle children, children I was told I couldn't have because my body is so dang broken.

I just feel like genuinely my body has no idea how to be female, never has, never will. Like my brain is in direct conflict with my ovaries and that's what's causing the problem.
Maybe all these years i've been geuninely correct that my brain IS male and that's the entire issue?

or maybe i'm just stretching for some sort of explanation so I can feel like there's hope that one day I won't be miserable and in pain.

I don't want to live like this any more. I just wish I could see the future and know that transition would be worth it you know?

And I really don't know what i'll do if my mother rejects me. Or if my husband realises the reality of bisexuality is far less appealing than he thought. Then again, neither of us are straight or really gender conforming so maybe we'll be just fine... I dunno.
I can't stand the thought of losing him though, he's my best friend.

I thought i'd be okay with the really long wait list for the GIC but then of course my body had to go "oh yeaaah, periods, those are a thing!" and give me the whole ovulation pain, pms whammy and make me super dysphoric and miserable.
I'm not sure how many more of these cycles I can tolerate really.

I've always hated being female, not socially, socially it's never bothered me because I always fit into the groups I wanted to fit into anyway (predominantly male groups) and never had much social savvy anyway, but biologically i've always resented it. Since the age of 10 i've been SICK because of my stupid hormones and it's utterly unfair.
I couldn't care less what society deems "appropriate" for a girl and the older i've become the less i've cared to conform to that nonsense, but my biology is my enemy and that's not going to go away by just dressing like a boy and changing my pronouns.
I've wanted my ovaries out for years but never felt like I could do that because HRT is actively dangerous for me. They gave me the lowest possible dose of estrogen, the stuff they give women who've had their ovaries out or gone through menopause to try to deal with my swelling which my doctor decided was "estrogen retention" or.. something. I don't even know what that means. I took ONE pill, a microdose, within 24 hours my blood pressure had spiked to such a high level my doctors all panicked and told me I wasn't to take any ever again. So knowing that, how could I possibly have my ovaries out? Estrogen would kill me. I'd have a stroke and i'd die. My ovaries produce VERY little estrogen anyway, my body is so used to dealing with absolutely ridiculously tiny amounts of these hormones that it's hyper sensitive.
and I worry it'll be just as intollerant of T and then what do I do?
At some point the cysts on my ovaries will mean I need to have them removed, I know this. My right one is so swollen and so cystic i'm genuinely surprised it hasn't killed itself yet. They are not in the least bit healthy and things are getting worse.
I would like these disgusting cyst pocked things GONE but I can't have them taken out if I can't replace them with hrt. And if it's not safe for me to take estrogen or testosterone i'm stuck with these things getting worse and potentially eventually killing themselves and forcing the issue.

it just all around SUCKS.

I'm going to get a look at my last hormone profile and see what my levels as of last year were to get an idea of what's up.

my hormone levels fluctuate wildly though, because nothing actually works correctly. Basically my body is trying to murder me. I mean it almost succeded a few times. I had sepsis back in august last year, very nearly died. They never worked out where the infection was though. Because that right there is my body for you. It loves to remain a bewildering mystery.

I hate it.

Offline Dietlind

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Re: I desperately need some balls
« Reply #4 on: April 14, 2019, 09:02:47 am »
Just to give you an idea about female normal hormone levels.  My endo tries to keep me on E that is typical for females on the 10th day of their ovulation cycle.  My E is ~140, and my T is low for the average female, it is ~5







Offline F_P_M

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Re: I desperately need some balls
« Reply #5 on: April 14, 2019, 09:26:55 am »
Awesome.

eugh the nausea is getting worse. I can't stand this. Even sipping water causes my stomach to churn.

It's like being bloody pregnant all over again (impossible, husband has been snipped and the new method has a near nil failure rate)

I hate it I hate it I hate it.

but yes, i'll look at my hormone levels and see if I can figure anything out.

My nurse appointment is oh the uh.. 20somethingth, they usually text to remind me as i'm terrible at remembering.
and my doctor appointment to discuss GIC is on the 30th.

It's all very slow.

I'm on CD 41 btw, if that helps at all. Yep, my body is dumb.

I had nausea on the 4th too, along with headaches. I think I ovulated on the 8th (cd35). Least that was the day I was in horrible cystic pain from these suckers.
But that doesn't mean i'll get a period on the 22nd, naaah, that'd involve my body understanding how to do stuff normally.

my last cycle it wasn't till cd 70! I got a period. yes, SEVENTY

So yeah.. everything is borked. Like totally borked.

god this nausea. I mean the headache sucks but the nausea is just intollerable.
 

Offline Dena

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Re: I desperately need some balls
« Reply #6 on: April 14, 2019, 10:58:04 am »
Your going to have a long wait for the GIC and it appears you need something now. While you have a problem with all estrogen, it appears that you have more of a problem with what the doctor gave you. It's probably because it wasn't estradiol which is what your body produces. In either case, estrogen in any form isn't the solution. This is why I previously mentioned GnRH agonists. It's expensive but it should be available through your medical system. It's an extremely powerful blocker and I think it can be administrated through a nose spray. Talk to your doctor about it as it might give you some relief until you're able to see the GIC.
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Offline F_P_M

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Re: I desperately need some balls
« Reply #7 on: April 14, 2019, 11:39:53 am »
We have considered doing a mirina coil before now but the NHS system meant that my gp couldn't force the local hospital to do it with gas and air and she wanted me to be absolutely completely sure before subjecting me to the torture of having it inserted. I mean it's uncomfortable for most people but for me it's like.. ridiculous agony and my gp knows this and sympathises with how difficult I find internal exams.

My concern with the gnrh is the osteoporosis thing. As i'm looking at a wait of potentially up to a dang year for Charring Cross and opperating under the NHS it's pretty unlikely they'll perscribe something like that without wanting me on some other hormone to minimise risks and hormones are the problem.
so something like the mirina might work better, but i'm not sure the progesterone wouldn't be a terrible problem regardless. Eugh.

I think I just need to "man up" and get this dang thing inserted and see if it helps.

but i'll ask about the gondotrophin as well, see what they say. i suspect the NHS will say no because they're not so keen on the whole unorthadox solutions thing, being socialised medicine they have specific rules and regulations but we'll see.

I'm just hoping my doctor is sympathetic. I don't honestly know how lgbt friendly that surgery IS but my doctor DOES know my history and all my problems very well.

Offline Ryuichi13

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Re: I desperately need some balls
« Reply #8 on: April 15, 2019, 12:50:39 am »
I hope you don’t mind me responding to this without having read any other posts.  I wanted to give you my observations and/or suggestions on how to deal with your situation.  Please remember, these are simply my observations and/or suggestions as seen from an outsider’s point-of-view, nothing more.  I am not a professional, just someone that understands.

First, I would recommend finding a gender therapist.  It sounds like you need to figure yourself out, and an outside voice such as a therapist could help you do just that. 

It’s too bad that your Mom is so close-minded.  I wish you luck with her.  But what I would do in your situation is to continue to be yourself.  Dress how you want, cut your hair how you want and act how you want.  Hopefully, your Mom will realize that you are not her, nor should she “expect you to live your life according to her standards.”  You are your own person, and she must realize that.  It’s a lesson that all us parents eventually come to realize, that their children must be allowed to be themselves.  Hopefully, your gender therapist might be able to bring her (and your Dad) in to discuss your situation together some day, if they feel its needed.  If not, hopefully there is an allies support group you can take them to.   

If you want to go on T, then do so.  Maybe start with low-dose testosterone and see if that does what you hope it does to your body.  But also realize that some of the changes might be permanent.  If you don’t want your voice to deepen, or bottom growth, then maybe testosterone is not for you, since those are often the first effects of going on T.  Testosterone is a powerful hormone, and many changes may happen that you may not want.  It’s something to seriously think about.  In other words, do your research!  Make sure you are aware of all the possible changes, both permanent and not that T will do to your body.   

Since your husband is supportive, make sure that he understands that “not only are you transitioning, but so is he.”  How does he feel about being in a gay/homosexual relationship?  Even though you might decide to not have any bottom surgery, strangers will see two men should you decide to transition.  Are you in a country where that is a safe relationship to be in?  Will your country recognize that you are two married men should you decide to change your gender marker?  Take into consideration all of the implications that two men in a relationship could have in your country, it will affect both of you.

How old are your children?  It sounds like they are young (since you implied that you are in your 20s).  If that’s so, then that’s also something to consider.  Young children are more accepting than teenagers.  If you don’t want them calling you “Mom/Ma/Mommy/etc,” then find a term you want them to call you.  If you decide to go male, then maybe they can call their Dad “Dad” and you “Poppa,” or something along the same lines that means the same.  That way, they can differentiate between the two of you.  Simply start telling them “call me Pops/Poppa/Pa/your chosen term,” and they will eventually get it.

Many children have same-sex parents, so that shouldn’t be too much of a problem should you be in a country that accepts them.  If not, then how to handle it is also is something to consider.   

Cutting your hair is not “a waste of money.”  If it took you to where you could consider going shorter, then it was worth it.  Besides, it’s just hair.  If you decide you don’t like it, you can always grow it back.

Don’t worry about “not being trans enough.”  There is no such thing as “not being trans enough.”  It is a term that some cruel cis person came up with to invalidate transgender people’s feelings and thoughts.  A way to get a trans person to “change their mind and stay the gender they were assigned at birth.”  In other words, gatekeeping.  If you have any doubts about your gender, then you’re transgender, plain and simple.  Cis people don’t have doubts about feeling as if they were born the wrong gender/in the wrong body/etc.         

Social transitioning, HRT, surgery, clothes/style change, name changes, any and all of the above, or one or two, it doesn’t matter which one or all of those or more that you choose.  There is no rule saying “you must do all of these in order to be valid.”  Some people only change their pronouns.  Some only have top surgery.  Some only do HRT.  Some do one or two of those choices, and some do all, or maybe even some things that I’ve forgotten to mention.  It doesn’t matter what, or all of what you choose.  You are valid, you are trans, you are able to choose what works best for you.  And if any and/or all of these doesn’t work for you, then you have the choice to stop.  Stop taking T.  Change your name back to your given name, go back to wearing what you want, let your hair grow, and so on.  The choices are yours to make.   

The bottom line to this entire post is this: You do what makes you happy, what makes you safe, what makes you confident, what makes you, YOU.   As long as you’re happy and safe, then it’s all good and valid.  It is NOT selfish to want to be happy, to want to like yourself, to want to feel confident and sure about who you are as a person.

And remember, there are people all over this forum willing to talk (And many of us have been in similar situations as well!), so vent away.  Maybe some of us can help you with some of our advise.   :)

Take care and be well.

Ryuichi



Offline F_P_M

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Re: I desperately need some balls
« Reply #9 on: April 15, 2019, 05:47:18 am »


Thank you for the in depth response.

I'mr recovering from the headache today. My mother wanted to go out but I genuinely don't want to. I need a day to recharge after that. Cluster headaches wipe me out bad.

I've done a lot of reading about T and i'm genuinely fine with all the side effects except potential hairloss but then I was thinking about this and was like "mmm, ultimately, it's just hair, I could wear a hat."
I just don't think I have a particularly nice shaped head for baldness (it's square and flat on top, which is hilarious.)

The rest actually kinda... dare I say it... makes me eager to have it. I mean bottom growth sounds awesome (I already have a little thanks to a lot of free T in my system) and so does a deeper voice. I never much liked my voice. I always get yelled at for speaking. (Strangers are absolutely horrible. I suspect they won't do that so much to a man huh? It's waaaay easier to be a jerk to a woman about her "annoying voice")
and excess body hair? Please, i've had excess body hair since I was 12. I already grow facial hair, a bit more would be freaking awesome becuase then it wouldn't look stupid.

I have mentioned to husband "You realise we'll go from a straight passing bi couple to gay right?" and appologised for taking some of his privilage. I pointed out that he'd be dropping down the privilage rungs from straight white guy to gay white guy. He just sort of shrugged.
He's processing it all of course, but he said he's determined to be fine about it because ultimately he thinks it's stupid not to be.
I love this man and I don't deserve him.
I hope he still finds me hot more masculine. He finds androgyny especially attractive but at the same time, the guys he's had crushes on? Hairy and tiny ahah, which is totally what i'll end up! (I'm very short)
So i'm really hoping he'll still find me attractive as I become more and more masculine. I suppose i'm fortunate to have a very broad minded super not straight husband and i have to wonder if my gender non conformity is precisely what attracted him to me in the first place anyway. I've never been overly girly and always referred to myself as "a boy in a girl's body"

We live in London so it's relatively safe. He IS in the public eye but he's part of a group who are all about the whole liberal thing and the local community are used to me going by a male name online anyway (they never ask and those who don't know me IRL know that my husband is married to someone with a male name anyway so... yeah. I'm not exactly secretive about the fact he's my husband when interacting with the local community on facebook)

Now that said we maybe can't be as affectionate in public as he'd like. Then again, I don't DO lip kissing.. ever... I hate it. But we do often hold hands or walk shoulder to shoulder.

interestingly, in our small little suburb we already have one transwoman who i'm yet to see be misgendered since her transition (she works in one of the local shops and the staff immediately switched to her preferred name and pronouns even when she's not around which is so lovely) and one cross dresser who I had a lovely chat with in starbucks one time. He was lovely.

My kids are 12, 7 and 6. The 12 year old sort of understands gender identity, i've explained it to him before because he asked about a sign at the local college in the toilets that made it clear anyone who was in there was SUPPOSED to be in there and it wasn't up to other students to police people in the bathrooms (they have a very clear trans friendly policy). Which was a good oppertunity to explain the concept that some people were trans. I asked him the other night if he knew the difference between sex and gender and he gave me a good explanation so I think he'll wrap his head around it. Youngest is in himself pretty gender fluid (he wanted to be a girl for a good 6 months a year or so ago and we rolled with it. I always wonder if he'll go back to that but right now he says he's a boy so cool. He's NEVER been told he can't be a girl, he can be whatever he wants to be. But it did involve a while of carefully navigating which pronoun he wanted that day. I expect he'll understand in his own way, but might not fully understand I probably won't change back)
Now middle kiddo HAS noticed because he's a dang observant little snot and asked me point blank "why do you want to look like a boy?" and I said "because I do." and asked if he was okay with it and he said no. We talked for a bit and he said "i'll get used to it but it'll take a long long time, like maybe a decade"
Funny kid.
I decided to drop the subject before he got too upset though. I think a gentle approach is better there.

I actually still want to be called Mum. I know that's wierd but I see it as a badge of honour. I nearly died bringing them into the world, especially the younger two who genuinely did nearly kill me (i nearly bled to death with middle and youngest I had pre E so yeah. I was constantly hospitalised with that one)
So it's like, I AM their mother. I DID carry them for 8-9 months (eldest and youngest were early) and I did sacrifice a hell of a lot to bring them into the world. I'm left with pretty major scars, both physical and emotional (I was diagnosed with ptsd after my second child's birth it was THAT traumatising which is... yeah.. what? scary) so i think of "mum" less as a gendered role and more a warrior rank.
I endured, I sacrificed, I am not giving up my title without a fight.
And to be honest, if I present as male people are generally unlikely to ask and just assume it's a cute little joke or something. I've found people actualy don't really ask questions. British people I suppose are too polite or something.

Of course I always will stand out anyway. I'm not exactly conservative in my dress sense, i'm really short (I joke i'm actually a hobbit) and I have a very obvious foreign accent that ALWAYS gets me picked out of a crowd.

Is it bad i'm not actually too worried about my safety? I've always had terrible danger sense though. I am however worried about the people I LOVE. I suppose I don't really matter so much, i'm responsible for myself, but if my actions get them hurt i'd never forgive myself. Which makes me pause.

I don't want to hurt people. I never do. And putting myself and my needs first has always been something I struggle with. I suppose I have, for so much of my life, been the "caregiver" in most relationships. Certainly in my relationship with my mother I am that role. I always say to her "remind me again who's the parent here?"
She and my dad split up when I was 14 shortly after we emigrated to the UK so I guess since then i've been holding her together while dealing with my own stuff as well (and back then I was dealing with death threats and physical assault pretty much daily so... yeah... that could be another reason I don't much worry about my safety, been there, done that, got the dang postcard)
I'm everyone's agony aunt (or is that uncle?). I'm the person who'll stay up late into the night talking someone down from the ledge. That's just who I AM and honestly i'm proud of being that person. But I also acknowledge that it means i'm really bad at looking at my own needs. But I don't know how you start to learn that. I need other people to shove me in the right direction.

Offline F_P_M

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Re: I desperately need some balls
« Reply #10 on: April 15, 2019, 09:11:49 am »
this may be tmi but freaking shark week.
I mean it explains the headache but I wasn't expecting it for at LEAST one more week (as I believe I ovulated on the 8th! least that's when my ovaries were giving me a lot of pain)

So the headache has gone but now I have hot and cold flushes. I read that can be a sign of low estrogen, hmm. Well GOOD, get outta here estrogen, get out.

Offline Dietlind

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Re: I desperately need some balls
« Reply #11 on: April 15, 2019, 07:22:37 pm »
this may be tmi but freaking shark week.
I mean it explains the headache but I wasn't expecting it for at LEAST one more week (as I believe I ovulated on the 8th! least that's when my ovaries were giving me a lot of pain)

So the headache has gone but now I have hot and cold flushes. I read that can be a sign of low estrogen, hmm. Well GOOD, get outta here estrogen, get out.
OK, toughen up guy!  My endo wants to keep me ovulating every day for the rest of my life!  He thinks my estrogen level is exactly on day 10 of the average female ovulation period!  And I will be on day 10 for every!
I have not expedierend any flushes whatsoever, a cold flush would be very welcome with our current heat wave of over 90º F!







Offline jesse135

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Re: I desperately need some balls
« Reply #12 on: April 15, 2019, 11:04:49 pm »
Your parents are not meant to be your friends. Be careful to be financially stable beforehand though. I don't know your parents.

At one point, your condition could potentially get so bad that you cannot stand it anymore, and you will need to transition, or make some other decisions. When this day comes, you will need to prepare yourself mentally that your parents may disown you and you will need to rely on your friends or roommates. (I right now an reliant on 3 roommates I hardly know) Also, your parents love you and it's the same as death to them when you change because you're there little baby, they had dreams for you. But when you become a person, YOU become that person. They do not get a say. They may know you but when you're older you do not see your parents as much. I see mine at special holidays pretty much only. PLUS they're probably from a different generation that had not as many opportunities growing up and are bitter about generations younger as well, and think we are spoiled.

(I also have your situation - I think of this stuff a lot and factor out many different variables)

I am unsure if you live in a sort of conservative community, but I did, and I lived in a community where people are so afraid to be different from each other, and are paranoid about everything and/or have only one communal essential personality (which I do not see the problem in, a little nice to belong to one thing when you're an adult and just-a-person...it may not be nice....it's a trans fantasy of mine to belong though lol)

But you will get to the point where they need to take it, leave it, and if they leave it, you'll have no choice to fly. Don't wait that long though. I'm 31 and regret not doing this earlier.

I've never wrote this stuff out but I'm interested in this topic. Sorry if its long.

Offline F_P_M

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Re: I desperately need some balls
« Reply #13 on: April 16, 2019, 06:51:53 am »
Oh Deitland, you're fortunate. My hormones are so out of whack I get the worst pms. Like.. migraines, cluster headaches, hot flushes, cold flushes, cramping pain, cystic pain and then shark week starts and day two i get flooding.
So then I lose way too much blood and end up wiped out for days.

I mean in a way i'm so used to it that i'm no longer that freaked out by the whole waking up in a pool of blood thing but it still sucks because it leaves me pretty unwell.
I couldn't go out today because of it, which is like.. ridiculous. But that's been my life for the past 20+ years.

I should be grateful at least that the pain these days is tolerable. I used to get pain so bad I quite literally hoped i'd just die. Like no joke, I was in hell for years. Having my eldest seemed to help a lot with that, I dunno why. Something about getting pregnant rejigging my biochemistry and hormone levels. So he kinda saved my life in a way.
But now I get the headaches instead. *sigh* My body does NOT know how to do this woman thing.
the longer it goes on the more dysphoric it makes me feel because I feel like i'm running on the wrong fuel and I feel like it's killing me slowly. It's getting intollerable.


We'll be okay, we're waiting to reclaim universal credit. They cut out benefits because we "saved too much" *eyeroll* so now we're waiting for our savings to drop back below the threshold to reclaim.

actually I have DLA forms I need to fill out. All three of our kids have special needs (two ASD, one ADHD) and we only actually claim disability for one of them becuase we thought we didn't need the extra money. Well we do now so i've gotta fill out those really long forms.

Once we get universal credit back up and running we should be fine financially. Husband has a job that doesn't really pay much, hence why we also get benefits but he's way happier in his new role than he ever was working a full time office job. I prefer it this way.

My mother IS our landlady, but I seriously doubt she'd boot me out. I mean she's nuts but she's not actively evil and she loves her grandkids. She wouldn't make them homeless out of spite, she's not a spiteful person.
But she is pretty freaking clueless.

Now my stepdad he MAY be a problem, but he's irritating me more and more recently anyway. He's a grumpy old jerk who spends most of his time complaining about my children and generally just being moody and cliche old man. He seems incapable of understanding that my children are AUTISTIC and their stimming isn't just "to annoy him" and middle kiddo's inability to focus isn't "just him being willful and rude".
And the older he gets, the worse his grumpy intollerance becomes to a point I genuinely just don't want to spend time with him.
it doesn't help that whenever we go over there he and my mother have a stupid argument about tedious nonsense anyway.
I just eugh...

My mother is super argumentative, especially with her husbands (I'm not surprised she's on husband 3) and my step dad is getting grumpier and grumpier and ruder and ruder.
I'll miss my mother if she decides to be wierd, but I can't say i'd miss my step dad. I'm still mad at him for criticising my parenting last week. -_-

Maybe this will mean a closer relationship with my father and his girlfriend instead. I mean she's rude as heck too but at least she's not critical of my parenting or my children's behaviour. And she actually does a lot of stuff with the lgbt community so actually she might be pretty cool with it all... hmmm.

I dunno, the logical part of my brain is in direct conflict with the catastrophising side. I don't like change much, I don't like upheaval and i'm phobic of conflict (both my sister and I are but can you blame us? We grew up with parents trying to throttle one another! Like seriously, my parents simultaniously loved and hated one another and i'm genuinely surprised they didn't kill one another. I have memories of my mother hurling crockery around the kitchen once because he'd done something to annoy her and she just lost it and had to smash things. Is it any wonder my sister and I are absolutely messed up when it comes to conflict? we grew up with that level of crazy around us!)

And because I hate conflict and because I am a natural peacemaker, doing something I KNOW will cause stress not just for me but for others is really difficult to push myself into doing.

I mean ultimately I know my health NEEDS me to do something, but at the same time, i'm a coward who kinda just wants to hide and not tell anyone till it's done and they can't do anything about it.

Which probably isn't the best thing to do...




Offline Dietlind

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Re: I desperately need some balls
« Reply #14 on: April 16, 2019, 09:08:35 am »
@F_P_M, i can't say anything about your home front life, because I am one of the very lucky persons, who had a nice and nurturing home, and married a woman who had a similar upbringing.  Her parents had 3 daughters, and her dad wanted a boy, so he started to raise my ex a little like a boy.  That was nice, because I was allowed to grow up girlish, and we just matched ideally.  She was the butch in our relation.

Anyway, you medical condition needs some serious attention!  It should have been looked at in details many years ago.
I don't know enough about the UK health care system, to give you any leads (I am retired and have no connection to my UK professional peers anymore), but I bet that there are similar specialties available that can turn you inside out and upside down.  That is what you need, a very serious analysis on what is going on with you.  You can be helped/be treated, only after they found the cause for this!  You need to see some really dedicated medical professionals, who are willing to not give up and go the easy route by telling you that it is the way it is!  They don't have to live in your skin and go through all of that.  don't give up, be pushy, and keep on pressing!

Good luck for you!
Linde







Offline F_P_M

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Re: I desperately need some balls
« Reply #15 on: April 16, 2019, 09:52:32 am »


Oh believe me i've had SO many tests run over the years.
I've had mris, ultrasounds, so many internals, bloods taken regularly, heck for the headaches they even gave me an mri and a lumbar puncture!
Eep.

Problem is my hormone profile isn't consistant or really very easy to interpret. I have cystic ovaries but my bloods don't really match up with standard PCOS as my levels are generally too low. Hence the "hypogonadism" diagnosis becuase half the time my body is producing so little in the way of hormones that it's almost as if it's all just failed.
In fact when I had my bloods taken prior to fertility treatment the specialist said she'd only seen those sorts of numbers in people with eating disorders and questioned me on whether I had one as apparently I was in that whole ovarian failure zone.

She offended me. Jerk.
She wouldn't believe me that I was in no way suffering any sort of eating disorder omg.

Thing is, that ultimately, despite countless procedures and such (I had a hysteroscopy and a HSG and oh god the HSG was nightmarish. I was screaming apparently. I was begging them to stop but they wouldn't. It was absolutely awful and they couldn't actually get a good picture of my tubes becuase my body was all "GET OUT!" and clamped down so hard they couldn't get the dye to flow.)

The hysteroscopy I believe is what discovered the gartners duct defect, but they said it was nothing to be concerned about.
It's just a random remnant of the wolfian system or something (or so they told me) which they suggested didn't mean a lot.

last ultrasound they struggled to find my left ovary because apparently it's a lot smaller and hides. I don't know if it's functional.I'm not sure how they'd test that.
It's really hard to get a clear view of because it's behind my bladder and teensy.

righty is a swollen mess of cysts and scar tissue.

Hormonal problems are really common on my mother's side of the family. My aunt suffered so badly she had a full hysterectomy about my age, apparently her uterus had begun to atrophy or something? Eeep. My grandmother did as well because apparently she was hemhoraging regularly. Not periods, actually hemhoraging. Whaaa?
So it seems to be a genetic issue in that side of the family. I have several cousins who have pcos and similar too and fertility issues are really common in the women.
So thanks Mum for your cruddy genes there. Bah.

Now they DID do a chromosome test but i'm not sure how in depth it was. All I got told was "it's XX".
I assume they must have done a pretty in depth one right? But nothing more was every mentioned about it. So unless they were keeping things from me, it sounds like that test was pretty normal.

I could gain access to these test results I believe if I put in a request. You have to pay for the printing but they will give you a copy of your own medical records if you ask. I might chat to the doctor about it, see if she can bring up the results on her screen for me anyway.

I admit, i'd LOVE to see my ultrasounds and the pictures they took during that hysteroscopy. I've never actually seen them and i'm so curious.

Sadly "woman problems" quite typically don't get taken seriously or diagnosed. it takes on average 10 years for someone to get a PCOS diagnosis, not just in the Uk but globally. Likewise there's a really depressingly high statistic saying that women going in to the doctor for genuine complaints like pain are often dismissed over and over again. There was a news report about it recently.

I mean heck, i went to my doctor a while ago because I started getting mid cycle spotting, something i've never had before and of course you're always told that's a reason to get checked out. I went in, explained i was having midcycle bleeding which wasn't normal for me and got told "oh well you have this hormonal disorder, it's probably that" and nothing more was done.

that's how it goes sadly. There's a real subconcious bias in medicine about "woman problems" and as a result there's substantially less research into it and substantially less knowledge.
For the past 23 years i've been fighting medical professionals both in NZ and the UK to get some answers so believe me, I have battled this for a looooong time and i'm no closer to an answer.

Meanwhile they keep testing my thyroid despite it always coming back fine when I mention the hot flushes. Idiots, it's not my freaking thyroid!

I've wanted them to check my ovarian function for a long time because if these suckers are failing I wanna know. If i'm actually dealing with early perimenopause then that kinda should be looked at you know?

I'm just sort of exhausted by it all. Ultimately I want these diseased, broken bits outta me. STAT.
but I also know that realistically, removing my ovaries isn't neccisarily the answer as i'd still need hrt of some sort.

And I admit, I have wondered if my hormonal problems are WHY i'm so eager to transition but then I remember that cis women would NOT look at testosterone and transitioning as an appealing solution to this problem at all. Cis women wouldn't look at their excess body hair and smile. Cis women wouldn't actually be taking a great deal of delight in presenting as male and looking forward to presenting as MORE masculine.

So it's not JUST my health problems that make me want to do this. But they sure as heck aren't helping the situation and are no doubt contributing to the dysphoria and feeling of general wrongness i've got going on.

It's interesting because I previously said i'd never experienced "i want to tear my skin off" traditional dysphoria and then when I had those headaches and my ovaries were hurting you know what I wanted to do? Schlup those ovaries out with a spoon!
THAT is exactly "tear my skin off" dysphoria!

and I realise i've wanted to do that for decades and just never been able to because it would require hrt and the idea of putting MORE estrogen into my system makes me feel so uncomfortable. Like on man, I literally just felt my skin crawl at the idea.

One of my doctors the other day asked me flat out "why do you think the headaches are hormonal?" and I was all "are you actually serious? becuase they show up exactly a day or two before my dang period EVERY TIME?"
she doesn't believe me. -_-
Like.. woman, I have had these headaches for seven freaking years now, I think I have a pretty good idea of when they show up.

as for why, well that's pregnancy related apparently. I had pre e with my youngest and for whatever reason that broke something and resulted in ongoing cluster headaches and migraines (with aura). The migraines are less common than the cluster headaches thankfully but they make me go blind for a bit, it sucks.
and the specialist said it was because of a combination of the pre eclampsia and the fact pregnancy rewrites your biochemistry. From what I was told, every time you get pregnant you roll the genetic dice again and certain genes might unlock or lock. So sometimes it makes things go away (like my hideously painful periods) and other things crop up (like the cluster headaches and massive swelling/fluid retention and my allergy to kiwifruit. Thanks.)
What I learned from this is that pregnancy is a big gamble and you might irreperably mess up your health forever.
great.

Why don't they teach THAT in sex ed?

I'm genuinely at a point in my life where if I hear the word "idiopathic" one more time i'm actually going to flip a desk.
Like no joke, the urge to punch the next doctor who tells me something is "idiopathic" is intense.

Of course, i'm currently hopped up on crazy juice so i'm feeling REALLY aggressive this cycle. For the past week i've sort of wanted to punch something. Maybe I should go for a run.

Offline Ryuichi13

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Re: I desperately need some balls
« Reply #16 on: April 17, 2019, 03:53:47 am »
Thank you for the in depth response.

I'mr recovering from the headache today. My mother wanted to go out but I genuinely don't want to. I need a day to recharge after that. Cluster headaches wipe me out bad.

I've done a lot of reading about T and i'm genuinely fine with all the side effects except potential hairloss but then I was thinking about this and was like "mmm, ultimately, it's just hair, I could wear a hat."
I just don't think I have a particularly nice shaped head for baldness (it's square and flat on top, which is hilarious.)

The rest actually kinda... dare I say it... makes me eager to have it. I mean bottom growth sounds awesome (I already have a little thanks to a lot of free T in my system) and so does a deeper voice. I never much liked my voice. I always get yelled at for speaking. (Strangers are absolutely horrible. I suspect they won't do that so much to a man huh? It's waaaay easier to be a jerk to a woman about her "annoying voice")
and excess body hair? Please, i've had excess body hair since I was 12. I already grow facial hair, a bit more would be freaking awesome becuase then it wouldn't look stupid.

I have mentioned to husband "You realise we'll go from a straight passing bi couple to gay right?" and appologised for taking some of his privilage. I pointed out that he'd be dropping down the privilage rungs from straight white guy to gay white guy. He just sort of shrugged.
He's processing it all of course, but he said he's determined to be fine about it because ultimately he thinks it's stupid not to be.
I love this man and I don't deserve him.
I hope he still finds me hot more masculine. He finds androgyny especially attractive but at the same time, the guys he's had crushes on? Hairy and tiny ahah, which is totally what i'll end up! (I'm very short)
So i'm really hoping he'll still find me attractive as I become more and more masculine. I suppose i'm fortunate to have a very broad minded super not straight husband and i have to wonder if my gender non conformity is precisely what attracted him to me in the first place anyway. I've never been overly girly and always referred to myself as "a boy in a girl's body"

We live in London so it's relatively safe. He IS in the public eye but he's part of a group who are all about the whole liberal thing and the local community are used to me going by a male name online anyway (they never ask and those who don't know me IRL know that my husband is married to someone with a male name anyway so... yeah. I'm not exactly secretive about the fact he's my husband when interacting with the local community on facebook)

Now that said we maybe can't be as affectionate in public as he'd like. Then again, I don't DO lip kissing.. ever... I hate it. But we do often hold hands or walk shoulder to shoulder.

interestingly, in our small little suburb we already have one transwoman who i'm yet to see be misgendered since her transition (she works in one of the local shops and the staff immediately switched to her preferred name and pronouns even when she's not around which is so lovely) and one cross dresser who I had a lovely chat with in starbucks one time. He was lovely.

My kids are 12, 7 and 6. The 12 year old sort of understands gender identity, i've explained it to him before because he asked about a sign at the local college in the toilets that made it clear anyone who was in there was SUPPOSED to be in there and it wasn't up to other students to police people in the bathrooms (they have a very clear trans friendly policy). Which was a good oppertunity to explain the concept that some people were trans. I asked him the other night if he knew the difference between sex and gender and he gave me a good explanation so I think he'll wrap his head around it. Youngest is in himself pretty gender fluid (he wanted to be a girl for a good 6 months a year or so ago and we rolled with it. I always wonder if he'll go back to that but right now he says he's a boy so cool. He's NEVER been told he can't be a girl, he can be whatever he wants to be. But it did involve a while of carefully navigating which pronoun he wanted that day. I expect he'll understand in his own way, but might not fully understand I probably won't change back)
Now middle kiddo HAS noticed because he's a dang observant little snot and asked me point blank "why do you want to look like a boy?" and I said "because I do." and asked if he was okay with it and he said no. We talked for a bit and he said "i'll get used to it but it'll take a long long time, like maybe a decade"
Funny kid.
I decided to drop the subject before he got too upset though. I think a gentle approach is better there.

I actually still want to be called Mum. I know that's wierd but I see it as a badge of honour. I nearly died bringing them into the world, especially the younger two who genuinely did nearly kill me (i nearly bled to death with middle and youngest I had pre E so yeah. I was constantly hospitalised with that one)
So it's like, I AM their mother. I DID carry them for 8-9 months (eldest and youngest were early) and I did sacrifice a hell of a lot to bring them into the world. I'm left with pretty major scars, both physical and emotional (I was diagnosed with ptsd after my second child's birth it was THAT traumatising which is... yeah.. what? scary) so i think of "mum" less as a gendered role and more a warrior rank.
I endured, I sacrificed, I am not giving up my title without a fight.
And to be honest, if I present as male people are generally unlikely to ask and just assume it's a cute little joke or something. I've found people actualy don't really ask questions. British people I suppose are too polite or something.

Of course I always will stand out anyway. I'm not exactly conservative in my dress sense, i'm really short (I joke i'm actually a hobbit) and I have a very obvious foreign accent that ALWAYS gets me picked out of a crowd.

Is it bad i'm not actually too worried about my safety? I've always had terrible danger sense though. I am however worried about the people I LOVE. I suppose I don't really matter so much, i'm responsible for myself, but if my actions get them hurt i'd never forgive myself. Which makes me pause.

I don't want to hurt people. I never do. And putting myself and my needs first has always been something I struggle with. I suppose I have, for so much of my life, been the "caregiver" in most relationships. Certainly in my relationship with my mother I am that role. I always say to her "remind me again who's the parent here?"
She and my dad split up when I was 14 shortly after we emigrated to the UK so I guess since then i've been holding her together while dealing with my own stuff as well (and back then I was dealing with death threats and physical assault pretty much daily so... yeah... that could be another reason I don't much worry about my safety, been there, done that, got the dang postcard)
I'm everyone's agony aunt (or is that uncle?). I'm the person who'll stay up late into the night talking someone down from the ledge. That's just who I AM and honestly i'm proud of being that person. But I also acknowledge that it means i'm really bad at looking at my own needs. But I don't know how you start to learn that. I need other people to shove me in the right direction.

Hi F_P_M.  Again, I’m writing this without reading how others have responded, but you’re probably getting used to this, right? ;)

YIKES!  My (transgender) boyfriend also gets them, so I understand.  His usually knocks him out for about two days.  And you have kids to take care of during yours!  That alone, proves you’re tough.  You can do whatever it is you want.

Hair loss.  Bleah.  I’ve already decided that if I end up with it, I’m going to take my dreadlocks and have them woven into a wig.  Speaking of wigs, I cosplay, so the idea of wearing wigs doesn’t bother me much.  It would be kinda cool to be able to have different colored ‘locs for different occasions. :)

People yell at you because of your voice?  How narrowminded are these people?  Haven’t they ever realized that “not every AFAB has a high voice?”  What do they yell?  “Are you faking thast deep voice?”  How stupid are these people?

Your hubby sounds really cool!   And of course you deserve him! 

I’m glad I’m not the only one that used to say “a boy in a girl’s body.”  I used to say I was “a gay man trapped in a woman’s body.”  Now I’m just a gay man.

Nothing wrong with walking hand in hand with the one you love.  Unless it’s not safe, that is.  It’s also nice to walk shoulder to shoulder, perhaps that’s the way to go while in public. 

Your neighborhood sounds lovely!  I’m willing to bet they’ll switch pronouns if you decide to transition as well.

Your kids are old enough to understand.  I think I would sit the 7 year old down and explain how you aren’t happy as a woman, so you are going to transition to the man you feel you should have been born as so that you can be happy.  I’m sure that he’ll get used to the idea, especially once he sees how happy transitioning will make you.  There are books geared towards explaining being transgender for kids, but offhand, I don’t know of any.

I get that you want to be called Mum.  I feel the same way.  For me, Mom is a title that I earned, and my kid is the only one in the world who can refer to me as female and get away with it.  Anyone else will be immediately corrected.  Even my grandkids refer to me as Grampy.

I dress the way I want.  Usually in what I call “Gothic Otaku,” which means black pants/jeans, sometimes with black t-shirts with anime graphics, but I also wear blue jeans and brightly colored graphic t-shirts.  In other words, wear what you want, I certainly do!

London, ne?  Cool!  I’ve always wanted to visit!  Either way, stay safe, all right?  It can simply be a matter of paying attention to your surroundings to remain safe. 

Despite what you may feel, it sounds like you pretty much have your head together. :)  You just need to decide what you want to do next.

Ryuichi



Offline F_P_M

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Re: I desperately need some balls
« Reply #17 on: April 17, 2019, 05:06:04 am »
Nah people yell at me because i'm autistic and have never been able to assess how loudly i'm speaking or at what pitch. Apparently it's "super annoying" and the happier I am, the louder I become. So i've had several occassions where we've had a lovely day out with the kids and i'm sitting on the train talking/playing with them and some asshole (it's almost ALWAYS a man) gets in my face and starts yelling at me to shut up.
I have until recently presented as female so I assume they only think they can get away with this becuase i'm a teensy tiny little girl in their eyes (I'm often mistaken for a teenager, NOT a parent) and my husband unfortunately doesn't know how to handle this so he just freezes up and says nothing.

I've had it happen several times to the point I genuinely hate my voice and have had moments where i've wanted to cut out my own tongue to stop me from speaking.

Added to that is the trauma of when I first came to this country and got death threats for the way I spoke. (My accent mostly). Suffice to say, I really don't like my voice and would rather like not to have it.

I wonder if the lower pitch that comes with T might help the high pitch thing, it won't help the volume but if I look like a man people are, depressingly, far less likely to scream in my face regardless of how teensy tiny I am.
Isn't that a terrible inditment on society?

I mean last time I got yelled at there was a man in the same carriage SINGING loudly and drunkenly and not a single person said a thing to him. I was singled out and attacked instead and lemme tell you, the singing guy was WAY louder.
I can only assume it's because I looked less threatening and easier to bully.

People suck.

As for the other stuff, nghh I keep flip flopping over things. It's frustrating. I think i've got a plan together and then the doubt creeps in.
I suppose everyone deals with that but it's freaking frustrating.
I'd love to just be able to be CERTAIN you know?

But I find my dysphoria very much comes in waves. Right now i'm feeling relatively okay, but a few days ago I was more than ready to do extreme things to get rid of my female bits.

I expect that taking things slow and step by step really is going to be the best option, so I have time to get my head together and figure out exactly what I want and why.

I keep second guessing myself and my motivations which I know is ridiculous because as I keep reminding myself, Cis women don't consider seriously transitioning to male just for social reasons or to not have periods anymore. People don't transition just to gain male privilage and honestly, given i'm tiny and foreign and will end up in a same sex relationship, how much privilage am I really gaining?
No, it's deeper than that, but there's still that lingering doubt.

I keep sort of hoping that i'll come out to friends or family and they'll go "Oh, that makes sense" to like.. legitimise my feelings but I don't really think that'll happen.
Husband HAS said "how'd we not notice this before?" and when I say certain things pointed out "hey that right there, that was a hint we never picked up previously" which is nice but to have like.. my dad or my friends be unsurprised would I think really help the doubt.

I was thinking about pronouns and to be honest, I don't really care about them. If people misgender me I don't really give a damn because it's just a word to me. I mean yes, I feel a surge of joy when I get "sir" or mistaken for a boy (doesn't happen irl, alas) but I can't say I get anything other than mild disappointment when i'm trying to present as male and get "miss".
To be honest, I think i'm not gonna sweat it. If people want to use old pronouns then whatever, that's their problem. I'm just gonna be ME and really, the more masculine I present, the more foolish THEY will look calling me "she" huh?
It might bother me later down the line but for the time being I dunno, he, she, they, whatever. People in my life tend not to ever refer to me by name or with pronouns anyway and i'm sort of accustomed to being called ridiculous things that aren't my name.
I can't be bothered with the whole correcting thing, and I know people will mess up as they get used to the idea anyway and whatever, that's fine. It's like when someone changes their name, there's always gonna be that adjustment period but I like to think that once i have a nice beard and stuff, it'll come pretty naturally to people even who knew me previously.

And those doing it maliciously can freaking bite me.

My first step in my plan, other than talking to my GP about a mirina and gic referral (maybe a hormone profile too, just to get it done) is to get my hair cut into a short boyish cut and see how that makes me feel.




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