Author Topic: Jayne’s Turbulent Journey  (Read 261 times)

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Offline Jayne01

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Jayne’s Turbulent Journey
« on: April 17, 2019, 09:33:21 am »
Hello everyone,

It has been a long time since I was last here on the forum. Much has happened in my absence. I will talk about this below in a lengthy post. If you prefer not to know about the past, present and future tales of my transition journey will start from the second post in this thread.
The remainder of this first post is for the benefit of my friends who I abandoned when I suddenly disappeared from the forum back in January.




TLDR;

Back in January, I started going down a very slippery slope and continued sliding downhill for what seemed like an unstoppable ride into the abyss. To all my friends here who were previously following my journey, I am sorry I disappeared without any warning. It was unfair of me to vanish without any explanation. It was something that I needed to do for my survival. I cut myself off from all social media as a matter of urgency because my state of mind was rapidly deteriorating. Everything was triggering for me and I was starting to fear for my safety if I didn’t take drastic measures. My very dear BFF, Sarah, has been a rock for me these past several months, often putting her personal life on hold to keep me stable and safe. (I love you Sarah, you are the best friend I could ever wish for! )

Some of you may remember that my wife and I traveled to Canada to stay with her family for the Christmas and new year period  late last year. A few months prior, I came out to her family that I am trans and that visit was the first time any of them would meet Jayne. It was a stressful time for both my wife and for me. There was a mixed reaction with who did and didn’t accept me. It ranged from complete acceptance and support to complete non acceptance and a refusal to recognise me as a woman or use my new (and now legal) name and not showing any interest in what my wife and I had been through the last few years. It was the first time I experienced such rejection and I was not prepared for it to affect me as badly as it did. Every day for two months, my identity was dismissed as unimportant. I lost my grip on who I am and the downhill slide began. I started to once again question who I am. Suddenly, I found myself internally lost, the same mental place I was at 18 months prior. Things slowly stared to improve after we came home and returned to our normal life routine. However this was also full of hazards. I was still in a fragile state of mind and it didn’t take much to knock me down again. At work, I would get misgendered every day. Not deliberately. Everyone at work who knows I am trans treats me with complete respect and do their very best to always get my name and pronouns right. If they ever make a mistake, it is an honest mistake and they always apologise when they realise their mistake. It takes time to change habits. That part has never bothered me. It is the people that have not been informed by HR that I am a woman named Jayne. People from other departments or other companies which I deal with on a daily basis. These people think that I am a man and treat me like a man. Working in a very male dominated workforce and wearing a male uniform does not help. Yes, the women have to wear men’s clothes because the company doesn’t have women’s clothes for us to wear. There are only about 6 female engineers in the entire company, so the company does not buy women’s clothes. Not that it would make much difference. Industrial clothing does not look very feminine. Anyway, it all adds up to create a bias in people’s minds that the engineer working on a plane is a man. 99.5% of the time, the assumption would be correct. The other 0.5% of the time, the engineer will be a woman and only one of us is a trans woman that still has a male voice and looks masculine in the uniform given to us. I felt like I was drowning and never able to be recognised as a woman. Work is still a struggle, only last week, someone addressed me as “hey bro”. When I told him not to call me “bro” he laughed in my face. He had no idea that I am a woman. But it’s slowly getting better.

I am working very hard with my voice therapist to help me sound more feminine. Changing my voice is the most challenging thing I have ever done. About 8 months of therapy and I still don’t sound any more feminine than I did when I started. My voice therapist is very patient and kind, especially when I break down in tears in her office while doing an exercise sounding like a man. We are now exploring alternative training methods that may work better for me.

Whenever I have the opportunity to present l girly, I feel amazing. It’s like everything is suddenly right with the world. These moments of being girly don’t come around often enough, but when they do, it feels like a breath of fresh air.

It hasn’t all been doom and gloom these recent months. There have been some very wonderful moments. Many times, during these highs, I considered returning to the forum but I knew the highs were short lived. I needed more time to heal and to strengthen my emotions. My wife and I both needed time to recover from the extreme stress that we were both experiencing over the Christmas/New Year period. My wife is also coming to terms with me being a woman. Our relationship is getting stronger. It has been a challenge to redefine our relationship and find a new normal that works for us.

One of the biggest highs was meeting with my GRS surgeon. Yes, I have a date for surgery. On 15 August 2019, I will be having GRS with Dr Andrew Ives in Melbourne. My wife and I flew to Melbourne in early March for an initial consultation with Andy. Upon meeting him, I instantly felt comfortable and have complete faith in his ability to perform my surgery. I am writing this message sitting in the cafeteria of a hospital in NC while my best friend is, at this very moment, anaesthetised, undergoing the very same surgery. It is a surreal feeling, knowing that her and I have been having such an incredibly similar journey and what she is experiencing today, I will be experiencing in 119 days. @LizK, if you are reading this, this is for you, 119D BWCA

Last year, my transition started progressing at a fast pace with almost no negative effects. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was that everything was going so smoothly.  December/January was a big reality check for me, a reminder that life doesn’t always go smoothly or as we hope. Being unprepared for the way that life isn’t always roses was part of the reason I fell so hard when things didn’t go smoothly. It was a life lesson I needed to learn. I am better mentally equipped now for when life doesn’t go as expected.

I’m looking forward to continue evolving into the woman I know I am inside, and becoming the best version of myself I can be.

Hugs,
Jayne

Offline Jessica

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Re: Jayne’s Turbulent Journey
« Reply #1 on: April 17, 2019, 09:40:20 am »
So glad to see this update!  We have missed you.
The struggle is harder when you have to deal with unacceptance.

Hugs, Jess

"If you go out looking for friends, you are going to find they are very scarce.  If you go out to be a friend, you'll find them everywhere."

Offline steph2.0

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Re: Jayne’s Turbulent Journey
« Reply #2 on: April 17, 2019, 01:03:23 pm »
Oh Jayne, it is so good to see you here! I’ve missed trading our thoughts and our silly bantering. I was so afraid you’d never come back. While I’m sad at what you’ve had to endure, the news of your GCS is the best possible thing I could read. Hugs and congratulations, girl!

Even if you decide to keep a lower profile here than you did in the past, just knowing you’re okay makes me feel so much better.

Hugs and love, and the same to your wife and your bestie!

Stephanie

PS: You beat me by 41 days. 161 days until my appointment with Dr. Bowers. I’m not exactly sure what your BWCA code stands for, but I get the idea.


Assigned male at birth 1958 * Began envying sister 1963 * Knew unquestioningly that I was female 1968 * Acted the male part for 50 years * Meltdown and first therapist session May 2017 * Began HRT 6/21/17 * Out to the world 10/13/17 * Name Change 12/7/2017 (Girl Harbor Day) * FFS With FacialTeam 12/4/2018 * GCS with Marci Bowers 9/25/2019

Offline Anne Blake

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Re: Jayne’s Turbulent Journey
« Reply #3 on: April 17, 2019, 01:40:17 pm »
Jayne, it is good to see that you have found your way back, you must have left a good trail of bread crumbs to follow. You have been missed and all of us here hurt with you for the dark times and struggles you have had to come through.

I am also glad to hear that you are able to be there for the friend that has been there for you. I do believe that being there for others is some of the best and strongest help in getting ourselves out of dark places.

Be strong girl, and you do know that we are all counting your days.

Tia Anne

Offline Dena

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Re: Jayne’s Turbulent Journey
« Reply #4 on: April 17, 2019, 04:31:13 pm »
I am glad you made it back. I have been keeping an eye out for you and while you vanishing from the site isn't unexpected, I was hoping you didn't fall into one of the holes like you have in the past. Congratulations on getting a surgical date. You have put in a huge amount of work to reach this point in your life.
Rebirth Date 1982 - PMs are welcome - Use dena@susans.org or Discord if your unable to PM - Skype is available - My Transition
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Offline Kirsteneklund7

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Re: Jayne’s Turbulent Journey
« Reply #5 on: April 17, 2019, 07:41:03 pm »
  Hi from me too Jane,
                                 so good to see you back on Susans. I always stand in awe when I see you push forward as your female self. You have achieved a lot and as a fellow engineer I must say you really impress me.

  To get where you are in a very conservative and serious industry is no mean feat. Also I am getting a feel for the support and rejection as more people in the aviation industry find out about me and my feminine side.

 I feel your pain, but also you are such an inspiration for me as well. Thank you so much for sharing your first hand experience.

  Best wishes to You and the lovely Wife,  Kirsten.
As a child prayed to be a girl- now the prayer is being answered - 40 years later !

Offline sarah1972

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Re: Jayne’s Turbulent Journey
« Reply #6 on: April 18, 2019, 03:54:31 am »
Welcome Back Jayne,,,


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Re: Jayne’s Turbulent Journey
« Reply #7 on: April 18, 2019, 04:16:50 am »

Welcome back Jayne.

My love and hugs to you and to your lovey wife.

Offline KathyLauren

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Re: Jayne’s Turbulent Journey
« Reply #8 on: April 18, 2019, 06:53:10 am »
Jayne, welcome back!  Congratulations on getting your surgery date! 
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly, beginning full-time; 2017-07-10 Legal name change; 2019-02-15 Approval for GRS

Offline Anjanette Miranda

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Re: Jayne’s Turbulent Journey
« Reply #9 on: April 18, 2019, 07:46:03 am »
Welcome home Jayne.

AJ

Offline JudiBlueEyes

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Re: Jayne’s Turbulent Journey
« Reply #10 on: April 18, 2019, 09:56:02 am »
Welcome back Jayne.  I'm sorry to read of your tribulations but it appears you are on the up and up now for the most part.  Being with your BFF is certainly an uprising time.  Your time will be here shortly.  Cheers.
But now old friends they're acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
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Offline davina61

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Re: Jayne’s Turbulent Journey
« Reply #11 on: April 18, 2019, 02:33:14 pm »
G'day dear nice to have you back , like the BWCA news . I am resigned to the work clothes but now its warmed up here (20+c) wearing just a polo shirt will make it more obvious!!!
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


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Offline LizK

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Re: Jayne’s Turbulent Journey
« Reply #12 on: April 18, 2019, 05:05:38 pm »

"..........
, I will be experiencing in 119 days. @LizK, if you are reading this, this is for you, 119D BWCA

........
Hugs,
Jayne

Hi Jayne

I haven’t read the rest often thread yet but wanted to say...yes I am reading and I am still with you. I have had your date on my countdown sheet since you told me. Sorry I have been slow to respond I just have a few things on my plate at the moment but these will resolve over the next day or so.

Congratulations on making it back and in one piece.

Liz



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Transition Begun 25 September 2015
HRT since 17 May 2016,
Fulltime from 8 March 2017,
GCS 4 December 2018
Voice Surgery 01 February 2019

Offline Stevi

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Re: Jayne’s Turbulent Journey
« Reply #13 on: April 18, 2019, 10:09:28 pm »
Jaune,

So good to see you, again.  It is worrisome when our loved one drop off the radar.  I am breathing a bit easier, tonight.

The GRS date id such good news, too.

Some more hugs,
Stevi

Offline Laurie

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Re: Jayne’s Turbulent Journey
« Reply #14 on: April 18, 2019, 10:19:48 pm »
Hi Jayne,

  I am happy to see things are getting better for you again and that you feel well enough to return to this community. I know many have missed you and like myself were concerned with your well being. There's been some changes here with me while you were away. I will not go into them except to say I am not as active here as I had been or would prefer to be. So please forgive me for not being able to keep abreast of your and other stories here. I have become an outsider.

Hugs,
  Laurie
April 13, 2019 switched to estradiol valerate
December 20, 2018    Referral sent to OHSU Dr Dugi  for vaginoplasty consult
December 10, 2018    Second Letter VA Psychiatric Practical nurse
November 15, 2018    First letter from VA therapist
May 11, 2018 I am Laurie Jeanette Wickwire
May   3, 2018 Submitted name change forms
Aug 26, 2017 another increase in estradiol
Jun  26, 2017 Last day in male attire That's full time I guess
May 20, 2017 doubled estradiol
May 18, 2017 started electrolysis
Dec   4, 2016 Started estradiol and spironolactone




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