Author Topic: New Bog Entry: Full Time Wearing Off  (Read 428 times)

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Offline Alice

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New Bog Entry: Full Time Wearing Off
« on: April 06, 2020, 07:11:09 am »
It is a long time since I have written a full blog and there is so much happening within my life outside of the virus considerations so here goes.

Work outside the virus has finally settled down. We had some staff problems within our team which I do not want to detail.  The outcome of the changes was that I have been promoted into a more senior role within our team. With everything that was happening at the time I was hoping that I would be offered the role in the team if it became available. I had been overlooked for the role 12 months ago but I always thought I could fulfill the role. The feedback I received while been promoted into the role was all positive. Our manger here in Canberra commented that I had changed for the better since going full time. His words were “I am not dealing with the same person from a year ago”.  It is reassuring that the change that I made last year is reflecting very well within my work.

On the Alice front there is some very significant news. I had a consultation with a surgeon last month here in Canberra with a view to having SRS sometime next year. I had the consult booked for some time and was getting very excited about finally meeting the surgeon that I had heard so much about. We talked about different types surgeries, the complication and he answered all of the question I had asked. My underlining thoughts during the consultation is why am I waiting till late next year (which of course now looks like a better option anyway). I have subsequently emailed some further questions which I had written down but failed to ask.

The other thing in preparation I am doing for any surgery is having a look at my sleeping again. I am overdue for a sleep study, I was asked to have another sleep study once I went full time and was stable however when contacting the public system  they have told myself that there is a two year wait for a study. I have chosen to go private and have my first consultation is on Thursday. I was hoping to have a sleep study sometime this year but now with the virus that may not occur until some type of recovery occurs (I will let you know of any updates).

My hair grow on top continues to be slow any steady. I have had recent correspondence with the doctor who helped myself with the and she was very happy with my progress.

Before the flying was stopped, I was flying very well. I had entered a pattern competition and finished third out of 3 in our class. As I suspected I was the only one with a traditional glow engine in the competition. I was happy with how I flew within the one-day competition and I did get a promotion point. You need to be able to fly at a certain level go gain a promotion point and since this was my first competition, I was happy to be at that level. My main support on the day Phil was also very happy and surprised about how well I flew.  I do have someone building and electric pattern plane which I am looking forward to flying after the shutdown period has ended.

I have not restarted my ridding after Christmas. It is so disappointing, but it seems to be one thing after another. First there was a team environment then Christmas, the fires, team environment, promotion, surgery and sleeping and the corona virus keeping myself busy and distracted.  All of these things seems to of also taken a mental toll. I have chatted to my counsellor last week and the current suggestion is that I am overloaded.

I started writing this blog 4 weeks ago when I was not feeling poor and thinking back to the most stressful period in my life, my first transition. When starting this blog I wrote the following:

Well it seems like the excitement of going full time and all that it involved has worn off. Now it is back to reality which for now seems like it is back to depression. I am longing to feel like I did and the end of last year when I was ridding when and not thinking of my bad times.

Today was spent reflecting on the bad times and wondering if I could have done anything different. Whenever I reflect and read the details of my bad times I always come to the same conclusion, I went through the process I needed to go through. All of the decision I made in going through my first transition was made for the right reason. I sought the best advice here in the ACT and Sydney and arrived at the right conclusion that I needed to transition. I also had the right people to help myself in that transition, once again we sought the best advice in Sydney. It is a pity that the first transition was a complete failure, it cost me 10 years of my life wondering why it had not work and gaining the courage to try again.

The first 6 months of transition was perfect. I was back riding my ride and I was riding high knowing I had made the right choice. Troubles started in December when I had to help a friend and today it feels like I never recovered.  I am hoping I start to feel better after a very significant even next week. 

 
The event I mentioned above is my consultation with the surgeon but the events since that day have just worn myself down even further. The good new is if I can pull myself together I will be able to work through the virus. My job for now is safe as it can be in the current environment, we continue to work full time.

That’s all for now, let hope better times are ahead.

Alice

Offline davina61

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Re: New Bog Entry: Full Time Wearing Off
« Reply #1 on: April 06, 2020, 02:28:15 pm »
Yes the "novelty" wears off , that's normal as life gets back in the grove again . Having something to look forward to/ focus on helps a lot.
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever

Offline Alice

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Re: New Bog Entry: Full Time Wearing Off
« Reply #2 on: May 23, 2020, 01:55:33 am »
Well it has been a busy week and I had some unexpected news this week.

It seams like the septum within my nose which I had fixed by surgery in 2010 may have collapse again. It may require another round of surgery. I have had a CT scan today and go back to the specialist in 3 weeks to work out a plan. I may need a sleep study prior to surgery. This potentially pushes back any surgery date as they are only now just booking the studies, they have been on hold since Covid 19.

The specialist took a look at my nose on Wednesday and gave me the bad news, but in fact it explained a lot. I have been tired and getting ill lately and with one side of my nose closing it has been effecting my sleep and in turn everything else in my life. Of late I have been dealing with all the effects of my poor sleep, the main once being depression.

For now I need to work out how to manage over the next few months. Do I fly when I am tired? How much riding/exercise can I manage?

I am not sure I would want Nose Surgery and then SRS to close together. This was meant to be my year to relax, ride, get a bit of fitness and enjoy life in preparations for any SRS. Any nose surgery and more importantly the tiredness and depression I am currently experiencing will really put a big dent into this year. I had wanted a good 12 months before any surgery and now it seams those months have not started. 

It will be a busy few months.

Alice

Offline MeghanAndrews

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Re: New Bog Entry: Full Time Wearing Off
« Reply #3 on: June 15, 2020, 11:26:28 pm »
Hey there old friend :) How are you Alice! Remember me from chat years ago? I was just looking at some blog posts and saw you posted. It looks like you went full time, congrats. I know you had a lot of challenges with that over the years. Being almost 15 years into transition, I can tell you that the beginning of transition, for some people, can be a beautiful period of time where everything seems new and wonderous. The colors, the tastes, lol, everything! But like life in general, things can get dull. Hopefully you get to the point where gender isn't an issue and you just kind move past that and onto the other things in your life, you know? I just wanted to say hi and I hope you are well! Friends, Meghan

Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: New Bog Entry: Full Time Wearing Off
« Reply #4 on: June 20, 2020, 07:37:47 pm »
Hey there old friend :) How are you Alice! Remember me from chat years ago? I was just looking at some blog posts and saw you posted. It looks like you went full time, congrats. I know you had a lot of challenges with that over the years. Being almost 15 years into transition, I can tell you that the beginning of transition, for some people, can be a beautiful period of time where everything seems new and wonderous. The colors, the tastes, lol, everything! But like life in general, things can get dull. Hopefully you get to the point where gender isn't an issue and you just kind move past that and onto the other things in your life, you know? I just wanted to say hi and I hope you are well! Friends, Meghan

@MeghanAndrews
Dear Meghan:
Very well stated!!!  .... and exactly correct.
Thank you for sharing and commenting....

HUGS,
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
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A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
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Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline Alice

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Re: New Bog Entry: Full Time Wearing Off
« Reply #5 on: June 23, 2020, 05:27:28 am »
Hey there old friend :) How are you Alice! Remember me from chat years ago? I was just looking at some blog posts and saw you posted. It looks like you went full time, congrats. I know you had a lot of challenges with that over the years. Being almost 15 years into transition, I can tell you that the beginning of transition, for some people, can be a beautiful period of time where everything seems new and wonderous. The colors, the tastes, lol, everything! But like life in general, things can get dull. Hopefully you get to the point where gender isn't an issue and you just kind move past that and onto the other things in your life, you know? I just wanted to say hi and I hope you are well! Friends, Meghan

Megan!!!

How are you going? It has been such a long time since we have chatted.

Yes I finally made it to full time. It took such a long time because of transition number one but I have finally made it. I also think the bad time which have occurred over the last few month is over (another long post required) but I am looking forward to getting back to how I was last year. Everyone has noticed how much better I am being Alice full time.

Getting to a point where gender is not an issue. Now I can see why that is such good advice. Everyone who works with me probably thinks I am close to that. Currently I am just another valuable team member, nothing more nothing less. It is so nice not having to worry about who knows and who does not know which is probably why going full time has worked so well.

We should chat again soon. Send me a PM.

Alice


Offline Alice

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Re: New Bog Entry: Full Time Wearing Off
« Reply #6 on: July 11, 2020, 10:37:47 pm »
Well, a lot has happened this year and I want to put down my thoughts before the next challenge that has already appearing drags me away from these thoughts.

At it's simplest form it is a case of a blocked nose causing sleep problems. I started to worry about that after Easter when I needed 4 days to clear a head cold, but all of the signs were there earlier than that. 

Mental health challenges
While Easter was a turning point, I started to show my mental health challenges at the end of last year.  I wrote back in April that I was starting to have problems with all sign pointing to mental health challenges as I had become unsteady in my moods. Like when I was at my worst, I had my high and low points awfully close together.
There was one day I can clearly remember feeling like this. I had my headset on and I wanted to sing out loud. I knew I was feeling manic and this was not a good sign, so I let my workmates know the sign was not good. There was another day I went manic, so I told my workmate to expect a crash in moods as my control was gone explaining when I am like this there is only high or low, nothing in-between. About 10 minutes later it happened, and I crashed. I ran to a meeting room and began to sob while workmate tried to console myself. The sobbing did not last long but the pattern of my mental health deteriorating was continuing, my tough period had arrived. 
I cannot tell how many instances of this pattern occurred over the last few months, but it reminded myself about the period in and around my first transition when this type of pattern was at it’s worst. Needless to say, I did not like to remember those periods let alone have all those same emotions reappear. 
My work was suffering as a result. I was leaking many sick days because of these challenges. Besides the four days after Easter, there was a day in Mid-May where I was just too tired to go to work and I had to spend the morning in bed. Then that Wednesday where I was crying in the shower at 6:30 am. I had been thinking about calling the mental health line many times over this period and that Wednesday morning was the time I knew I needed to call. That day I had a call with my doctor and all she heard from my end of the phone was tears. I think I was crying in anguish all morning.

Two days later I told my manager that I was having some problems with my mental health.  It was decided that I should take the following week of work to re-center myself. It was nice to have that week and come up with strategies to help myself through the bad times. I also started to fly again at the end of week taking my plane that I always fly when I am unsure how my depression will affect my flying.

 I think it is fair to say I have had more sick days this year than the last 3 years combined. And of courses, there were many time when I wondered if I should be at work at all, Yes that Monday when all I could think about was the dreaded suicide word. I guess I am used to thinking about that, but those strong feelings were having a detrimental effect on my health hence the need to finally  call the mental health line.
The Nose Problem
Now I come to the hub of all problems if it is not trans related it is always that dam nose. I had noticed over this period I was having increasing nose bleeds which was causing sleep problems. I always had a way of washing out my nose to ensure it was clear for sleeping. However, during this period I noticed that instead of clearing my nose when washing my nose all I got was another nose bleed. They became consistent and when I was with my doctor said this needed to be fixed which is why I went to the specialist. His initial thought was the deviated septum and besides sending me for a CT Scan he gave myself details of an over the counter oil-based nasal spray that he wanted myself to try, explaining that surgery was a last resort. In my meeting with him last week he explained that the spray was doing its job and my nose was clearing. I also have not had any nose bleeds since the day I brought the spray. His remark when I was leaving that the previous surgeon had done a good job, there was nothing to worry about.

Throat and panic attacks
I guess my nose and the lack of sleep caused other problems like panic attacks. I was lucky that the Wednesday I had to call the mental health line I also had a phone call to speak to my doctor. All she heard from my that day were tears and desperation, part of a bigger problem in that panic attacks that were starting. I do not know why but my throat during this period has been uncomfortable, another one of my complaints throughout this period. The CT scan did show I have a narrow passage there and the specialist did remark that I should try and have my sleep fixed, but I found out the hard way how troublesome it had become. Whenever I would try and eat to fast I felt something would get stuck in the back of my throat. At it worst when this would occur I would have panic attacks.

I remember one Saturday afternoon when I eat too much chocolate at once this occurred. The day it's self was great up until that point, I had a great day flying and I had forgotten about my worries. However once that large piece went down my throat everything changed, and a panic attack occurred. I was worried that would have a bad nights sleep because of this and felt my breathing go again. In my panic, I rang the ACT Mental Health line again. They told me to concentrate on other things like watching the footy.  I had to watch the footy as a distraction and concentrate on my breathing. In these periods I feel like I stop breathing so I need to perform it mechanically. It took a while but I eventually settled the breathing started to return to normal and I was able to have an Okay night sleeps waking up normally.

Since that time I had a couple of those episodes each, I get better at handling them when they occur. On my birthday at lunch, I went to a local café and the pattern occurred. It took myself about 90 minutes to return my breathing to normal, I am hoping no-one noticed at work.
My 50th Birthday

While we are on the subject of my 50th Birthday I should write a bit about the events around that time. Essentially we had dinner on the 27th of June to celebrate. I want to thank the 17 other people who attended the dinner, we had a few short speeches but in the end, it was a quiet affair. I have been so busy sorting out my health and problems at work that I did not put much thought into the dinner besides booking the restaurant, I spent most of the Saturday flying rather than organizing.

The day it’s self did not go to plan. We had organized I team lunch which was meant to be a celebration of a great year and we just happened to decide that the 30th was the best day. However there were many on our team that was pulled away for an important meeting which cancelled the lunch, we instead went out to a local café. The celebration was also going to turn into an end of contact lunch. We had expected the contract for a team to be renewed but alas that did not occur. On the same day, I went to the specialist a hasty meeting was arranged to tell us the bad news. This was 8 working days before the end of the financial year with no time to arrange for a handover or to think about what is next.

Sleeping
Sleeping has always another problem. Amid everything that has occurred, I had a sleep study done 3 nights before getting back the results of my surgery. Needless to say, I did not get a good nights sleep being wired up to all of those monitors. I had the result of the study last week and as a result were in what I was expecting. I am trying my CPAP machine again, my last 2 night I was able to use it for about 4 hours each night.

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