Well, a lot has happened this year and I want to put down my thoughts before the next challenge that has already appearing drags me away from these thoughts.
At it's simplest form it is a case of a blocked nose causing sleep problems. I started to worry about that after Easter when I needed 4 days to clear a head cold, but all of the signs were there earlier than that.
Mental health challenges
While Easter was a turning point, I started to show my mental health challenges at the end of last year. I wrote back in April that I was starting to have problems with all sign pointing to mental health challenges as I had become unsteady in my moods. Like when I was at my worst, I had my high and low points awfully close together.
There was one day I can clearly remember feeling like this. I had my headset on and I wanted to sing out loud. I knew I was feeling manic and this was not a good sign, so I let my workmates know the sign was not good. There was another day I went manic, so I told my workmate to expect a crash in moods as my control was gone explaining when I am like this there is only high or low, nothing in-between. About 10 minutes later it happened, and I crashed. I ran to a meeting room and began to sob while workmate tried to console myself. The sobbing did not last long but the pattern of my mental health deteriorating was continuing, my tough period had arrived.
I cannot tell how many instances of this pattern occurred over the last few months, but it reminded myself about the period in and around my first transition when this type of pattern was at it’s worst. Needless to say, I did not like to remember those periods let alone have all those same emotions reappear.
My work was suffering as a result. I was leaking many sick days because of these challenges. Besides the four days after Easter, there was a day in Mid-May where I was just too tired to go to work and I had to spend the morning in bed. Then that Wednesday where I was crying in the shower at 6:30 am. I had been thinking about calling the mental health line many times over this period and that Wednesday morning was the time I knew I needed to call. That day I had a call with my doctor and all she heard from my end of the phone was tears. I think I was crying in anguish all morning.
Two days later I told my manager that I was having some problems with my mental health. It was decided that I should take the following week of work to re-center myself. It was nice to have that week and come up with strategies to help myself through the bad times. I also started to fly again at the end of week taking my plane that I always fly when I am unsure how my depression will affect my flying.
I think it is fair to say I have had more sick days this year than the last 3 years combined. And of courses, there were many time when I wondered if I should be at work at all, Yes that Monday when all I could think about was the dreaded suicide word. I guess I am used to thinking about that, but those strong feelings were having a detrimental effect on my health hence the need to finally call the mental health line.
The Nose Problem
Now I come to the hub of all problems if it is not trans related it is always that dam nose. I had noticed over this period I was having increasing nose bleeds which was causing sleep problems. I always had a way of washing out my nose to ensure it was clear for sleeping. However, during this period I noticed that instead of clearing my nose when washing my nose all I got was another nose bleed. They became consistent and when I was with my doctor said this needed to be fixed which is why I went to the specialist. His initial thought was the deviated septum and besides sending me for a CT Scan he gave myself details of an over the counter oil-based nasal spray that he wanted myself to try, explaining that surgery was a last resort. In my meeting with him last week he explained that the spray was doing its job and my nose was clearing. I also have not had any nose bleeds since the day I brought the spray. His remark when I was leaving that the previous surgeon had done a good job, there was nothing to worry about.
Throat and panic attacks
I guess my nose and the lack of sleep caused other problems like panic attacks. I was lucky that the Wednesday I had to call the mental health line I also had a phone call to speak to my doctor. All she heard from my that day were tears and desperation, part of a bigger problem in that panic attacks that were starting. I do not know why but my throat during this period has been uncomfortable, another one of my complaints throughout this period. The CT scan did show I have a narrow passage there and the specialist did remark that I should try and have my sleep fixed, but I found out the hard way how troublesome it had become. Whenever I would try and eat to fast I felt something would get stuck in the back of my throat. At it worst when this would occur I would have panic attacks.
I remember one Saturday afternoon when I eat too much chocolate at once this occurred. The day it's self was great up until that point, I had a great day flying and I had forgotten about my worries. However once that large piece went down my throat everything changed, and a panic attack occurred. I was worried that would have a bad nights sleep because of this and felt my breathing go again. In my panic, I rang the ACT Mental Health line again. They told me to concentrate on other things like watching the footy. I had to watch the footy as a distraction and concentrate on my breathing. In these periods I feel like I stop breathing so I need to perform it mechanically. It took a while but I eventually settled the breathing started to return to normal and I was able to have an Okay night sleeps waking up normally.
Since that time I had a couple of those episodes each, I get better at handling them when they occur. On my birthday at lunch, I went to a local café and the pattern occurred. It took myself about 90 minutes to return my breathing to normal, I am hoping no-one noticed at work.
My 50th Birthday
While we are on the subject of my 50th Birthday I should write a bit about the events around that time. Essentially we had dinner on the 27th of June to celebrate. I want to thank the 17 other people who attended the dinner, we had a few short speeches but in the end, it was a quiet affair. I have been so busy sorting out my health and problems at work that I did not put much thought into the dinner besides booking the restaurant, I spent most of the Saturday flying rather than organizing.
The day it’s self did not go to plan. We had organized I team lunch which was meant to be a celebration of a great year and we just happened to decide that the 30th was the best day. However there were many on our team that was pulled away for an important meeting which cancelled the lunch, we instead went out to a local café. The celebration was also going to turn into an end of contact lunch. We had expected the contract for a team to be renewed but alas that did not occur. On the same day, I went to the specialist a hasty meeting was arranged to tell us the bad news. This was 8 working days before the end of the financial year with no time to arrange for a handover or to think about what is next.
Sleeping
Sleeping has always another problem. Amid everything that has occurred, I had a sleep study done 3 nights before getting back the results of my surgery. Needless to say, I did not get a good nights sleep being wired up to all of those monitors. I had the result of the study last week and as a result were in what I was expecting. I am trying my CPAP machine again, my last 2 night I was able to use it for about 4 hours each night.
