Author Topic: A journal I guess.  (Read 169 times)

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Offline Natalie_M

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A journal I guess.
« on: December 23, 2019, 09:35:46 am »
For lack of a better subject I guess I am going to call this a Journal.

It's 1:20 am and I am struggling to quiet my mind ahead of returning to work after a short vacation at home. I hope writing these things down will help me put the thoughts to rest so I can rest. I think. I am going to lay down some important facts first. I am a 28 year old woman and I have been on hrt for exactly 2 months and 3 weeks and have been  transitioning (slowly) socially for almost 6 months, as far as I can tell things are going well and my overall health both physical and emotional just keep getting better. I decided to come out in most senses when I started hrt and for the most part I have had a pretty positive experience in that regard too.

If there is anything negative to say about transitioning I think it would have be the sort of obsessive aspect. Hyper analyzing every physical and mental change wondering if I am really happy or just excited about the pure novelty of taking such bold control over my own destiny. Is this a honeymoon period or is this new energy just validation that I am really pursuing what is right for me? For now I think its validation. When I finally committed to making the leap I agonized over the issue until I could ask myself what I wanted for myself and respond "I want to live as the woman I know I am on the inside" without hesitation or condition.

I guess writing all that out did help because it is suddenly 6:30 in the morning. I am not sure what the point of all this was, maybe I just needed to reassure myself. Maybe someone can derive some reassurance from seeing that there are instances of people not struggling off the bat. I think I am going to just finish off this post with some random thoughts and probably come back to this every so often to update as I continue this journey. I have used "I" way too much.

HRT is a strange inside out feeling process. There is so much going out all at once but it is all happening extremely slowly.

Getting accustomed to making use of gendered spaces is scary but at least where I live its entirely a matter of getting over internal fears and having confidence. It seems the more I outwardly express my belief in my womanhood the less resistance or discomfort others (and myself) seem to feel over this.

Clothes are great, not having every style available at any given season is not. For that matter it seems like retail is very deliberately manipulative of women in their advertising, sales and other practices in ways you simply don't see when living as a male.

Trying to lose weight at the same time has been staggeringly hard. Progress is being made, its just painfully slow.

It's been a weirdly lonely experience so far, the vast majority of my friends in the community are either much much younger or a generation older than me. Maybe its because I started at a weird point in my life when most post people are too distracted with building a family and career?

Physical development is absolutely not constant, it seems to happen in little fits and bursts as been reported my many many others here.

Participating in the community discussions has been fun and enlightening but its also hard to not get wrapped up in the negativity of others, especially the younger women who are still struggling with their identities and don't have the resources or maturity to properly address it. It honestly breaks my heart to see how hard they are struggling and I see so much of my younger self in them. I want to help them so much but it is also incredibly draining emotionally at the same time. There are times where I feel like I have to walk away because the weight is too much and I have to live my own life first.

When opening up about being mtf transgender I wish cisgender people didn't immediately ask about my GRS/SRS status. On that topic as of the date of this post I still don't particularly want bottom surgery but I am taking the idea of FFS more seriously pending a few more years of transition and weight loss. This is more a note to myself.

For anyone curious I am doing Estradiol+Spiro in swallowed pill form, other than the awful taste and how often I need to use the restroom its not been too bad for me. My hormone levels seem pretty good so far just on my starting dose, I don't know how common that is. I have my next set of follow up bloodwork in a week.

I miss bananas.

I think thats all I have for now, if anyone has any questions or comments feel free to reply.

Offline Jessica

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Re: A journal I guess.
« Reply #1 on: December 23, 2019, 09:38:56 am »
Hi Natalie 🌸 Welcome to Susan’s Place!  I’m Jessica.
Thank you for opening up to us so we all can get to know you.
Journals are also a place where we can revisit our own experiences.
And as far as bananas... I was told by my endo that if you don’t eat them to excess a banana here and there will not have an adverse effect on your potassium levels.

I see you’re new here, so I’ll post some links that may help you get better acquainted with the site. Pay attention to the site rules they can be of great help and don’t forget the link highlighted red.  It has answers to questions that are commonly asked.  Then join in on a topic you find interesting and learn and share.

Please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum to tell the members about yourself!

Things that you should read

"If you go out looking for friends, you are going to find they are very scarce.  If you go out to be a friend, you'll find them everywhere."



Online ChrissyRyan

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Re: A journal I guess.
« Reply #2 on: December 23, 2019, 09:50:46 am »
Natalie,

     Welcome!   :)


Chrissy
Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that your speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: A journal I guess.
« Reply #3 on: December 23, 2019, 11:14:05 am »
@Natalie_M
Dear Natalie :
I see that you were just welcomed here earlier today by our lovely California Girl  @Jessica ....
... if you would, please allow me to also give you a warm WELCOME TO SUSAN'S PLACE

I am thinking that you may have lots more questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances.
Be aware that there are a lot of members here that can identify with your situation..
 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others  and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here on the Forums if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....

 ***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 
Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace. 

In her Welcome Message  Jessica  included Important LINKS that will tell you about Susan's Place.  Included there is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.   

Please don't be a stranger, we want to share postings and thoughts with you.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: A journal I guess.
« Reply #4 on: December 23, 2019, 11:15:13 am »
@Natalie_M
Dear Natalie:

Per the suggestion in the very first Welcome Message that you received from @Jessica, please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum to tell more members about yourself!

Wishing you well as you continue to be involved in the forums.
Danielle

***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline Natalie_M

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A journal I guess. Update 7-18-20
« Reply #5 on: July 18, 2020, 11:04:25 am »
Good morning sisters ( and brothers out there, and anything in between)!

It has been nearly a solid 7 months since my last post and what a time it has been. In no particular order..

My name is Natalie legally now.
I married my love.
I am a woman full time at work, there is nowhere I am not my true self now.
I got into body positivity a bit too much...
My physical transition has been very productive.
I lost 70 lbs, halfway to my goal!
I have really mastered my feminine voice and I am quite proud of it.

Thems the cliff notes more or less.

Maybe to expand on that a bit more there has been some real ups and downs. Transition has been wonderful and I feel guilty over how easy I have had it compared to some women. I try to be a supportive and active person in the community and share in the caring of those who are stuck in a vortex of hurting but it can be extremely exhausting. Those emotions (and others) became far more intense a few months ago when I started oral progesterone. I am not sure it was worth it to be honest, not too much change except being an emotional mess for the first 2 months and not seeing much results wise.

I do pass under most conditions, and if its borderline my voice takes over the finish line. "But that doesn't matter" ideally no but wow does it make stuff easier to go on with. I think I realized I crossed that threshold when a elder woman and her grandchild held the door to the restroom open for me without any prompting. That was such a mind screw, it in one moment entirely obliterated every fear I had a decade ago and decided not to transition.

I will never be seen as a woman:No see's me as a man.
I will never find acceptance: I am accepted.
I will at best be ugly: I have freaking pretty privalege now!
Someone will abuse/harm me: With the exception of a handful of people who knew me pretransition, nobody has behaved in a prejudiced way towards me or threatened me.
I won't get the surgeries, I am too much of a coward to be a REAL woman:I don't need to do anything to be a real woman...and I am not a coward. More on that in a moment..
It is too late, I am ruined:Not only was it not too late, you did it exactly when you needed to. Surrounded by amazing supportive friends, people who love you and resources to guide the way in a world much more willing to accept you. There is nothing you need to regret in how you lived Natalie.

I have this "Now what" stage of transition. I will be tinkering with medication for the rest of my life because thats the price of admission but major changes and developments are few and far between. I have made a promise to myself to wait 3 years to do any surgery. I wanted to give myself plenty of time to become healthier in body and mind and see just how far my body would probably go without intervention. So far here is where I am.My first surgery of any kind will probably be hair transplants to fill in my small widows peaks. I can say with a fair bit of certainty at this point that a breast augmentation wont be needed. I am on the fence about ffs. I don't -really- need it to pass but I still can see pieces of my old self in there and thats distressing like how my brow looks from some angles,etc....... GRS...Now yes. I struggled with this, its kinda been lurking at the back of my mind over the last year, I did not really have any kind of genital dysphoria at first but as I have lost weight and my body feminized significantly its become so very obvious to me that I will surely, eventually, do it. I am still affraid, I am affraid of longterm pain or disfigurement if something goes wrong. I am especially affraid of the recovery.. The answer is still yes. I plan to wait at least one more year and some change to start the process and hopefully go through with it the following year if I can work up the courage. I am already so happy, why risk that? Thats the question I need to tackle over the next few years.

In the meantime I will continue to tackle my two biggest sources of dysphoria today, facial hair and my weight. Both are getting there though its becoming more difficult as expected. I need to push hard on my caloric restriction and push myself to exercise. Laser will no longer provide meaningful progress soon, ill need to put on my big girl panties and start electro.

Sorry about the stream of thought nature of this post. I just wanted to reflect on what has come and gone and maybe write it down somewhere for me to appreciate later on in my journey, and maybe others can find some hope or relatability in this.

Have a wonderful saturday everyone!

~Natalie

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