Author Topic: feeling like suicide (semi - serious)  (Read 3583 times)

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Offline zirconia

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Re: Tiny update - regarding parents mainly
« Reply #80 on: May 06, 2020, 05:51:16 am »
The main question is why the heck did it take so long for me to admit this. Thinking back a few years I didn't start transition because of empty threats and because they "didn't agree". I mean how messed up is that?

LOL... pretty much.

It looks like you're learning and getting stronger, though... I'm glad.

Offline Rachel

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Re: feeling like suicide (semi - serious)
« Reply #81 on: May 06, 2020, 06:32:52 pm »
Hello Kelly,

I am sorry you are having such a difficult time with dysphoria and a lack of support. I hope you can get a HRT letter soon.

Rachel



Offline kelly_1979

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Rant / asking for ideas
« Reply #82 on: July 11, 2020, 11:58:50 pm »
I don't know why I'm writing this, maybe I'm panicking. I can't think straight anymore. Due to dysphoria (presumably) I've developed really bad fatigue and depression. It varies in intensity from day to day but over time it just keeps getting worse.

Right now I can barely walk, all my muscles hurt when I try to use them. I keep losing muscle (and presumably bone ) while I can't stop gaining fat. My skin gets bruised and bleeds very easily. No matter how small the bruise I get hard scab afterwards. This didn't used to happen. It may have to do with my all my skin getting too dry and thin. I've had a variable bad taste in my mouth for 2 years My hair loss keeps continuing despite taking finasteride. Also, my memory and thinking ability have taken a huge hit too. My SHBG and TSH keep gradually rising.

I often wish I died in my sleep before I get any worse.

I'm still technically dependant financially on my parents because of my fatigue (this may sound weird but hear me out).
I try to go to continue my PhD (I'm in a project) but I don't physically have the strength to do it. It sucks because if I don't have results before certain deadlines I'll have to return the money I received. If they die now I'm seriously effed up. Obviously what they say doesn't matter in the slightest but it's a struggle to just make it through the day, much less work and do errands.

I'm continuing laser sessions but after the 7th session i have a ton of regrowth, although it's finer. It's disheartening.

I know you had told me to start laser ASAP but I didn't do it and now I'm paying the price. Despite ending up in in this crazy situation It sounds fair. It just seems I'm never going to finish laser. Unfortunately the first 6 sessions were done with a 3 week wait between them. This was despite me expressing my concerns that 3 weeks are not enough. They did use high intensity in the last 3 (of 6) sessions because it hurt and after 2 weeks burned hair fell off.
It's just the huge regrowth all over that sucks.

I've told my therapist so many times that I need to start HRT ASAP because of my worsening fatigue but he thinks it can't be so bad and that I need to be more stable before I start. It's like he fails to understand just how much dysphoria is damaging my body.

He keeps forgetting things I've told him and focuses that I'll have to gradually start presenting in a feminine way. I tried to explain to him that all this is of absolutely zero importance right now but he doesn't get it.

Right now it seems that if all goes well (yeah right)  he'll consent to me starting HRT around October / November.

I WILL NOT MAKE IT UNTIL THEN.

Seriously it feels like I'm dying day after day. I sleep fine (checked with my watch too) but when I wake up I'm so tired.

I've gone to so many endocrinologists asking if there is anything I can do to help my fatigue and muscle loss but no one so far has given me a solution. Only that I stress less and in don't get involved in strenuous activities (what it walking is a strenuous activity for me?).

I'm sorry for this wall of text (which might seem as a rant) but I'm at my wits end. I don't know what I can do. I don't want to just wait and do nothing until I start HRT (although on one hand I don't want to, because of my laser sessions) but i can't think of any other choice.

I know it's not tight but I had to kinda lie to my therapist that I'm not getting worse. That's because when I told him the truth that I want HRT asap to help with my fatigue he said I'll have to be more stable before starting.

Right now it's a matter of survival.

If at least there was something to help me in the following months until I start HRT... If there it'll have to be something to do with adrenal and thyroid hormones regulation.

Just info: Forgot to say, the way my parents treated me and the way I responded to this (internalizing and blindly following their wishes/ threats) is probably like 80-90% of the cause of my distress. I've been seriously depressed since 2014 and tried (hopelessly) to convince my parents to understand, instead of actually doing what I wanted. Even now despite being a moot point I still feel somewhat uneasy around them (mainly my mother).
What I mean to say is that my body doesn't "forget" what happened.

So basically I want to continue with laser but can't live like this. I mean am I going to be bedridden for the next few months-years???



Any suggestions (even general) are welcome!
« Last Edit: July 12, 2020, 10:12:31 am by kelly_1979 »
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Offline zirconia

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Re: feeling like suicide (semi - serious)
« Reply #83 on: July 12, 2020, 02:11:07 am »
That sounds like a very difficult place.

I don't know what to say. The only practical input I can offer is that when it turned out to be impossible to contact the doctor who prescribed my hormones I had all values I suspected might have anything to do with anything tested at a private lab. And showed the results to another doctor, who then ordered additional tests that she felt were pertinent.

Girls who knew each other well used to helped each other out when in dire straits. But unless the distress one feels is hormone related they may not help. Even so, if you do know anyone where you live it might be worthwhile to ask... perhaps you might be able to get information on other doctors to consult, if nothing else.

Offline kelly_1979

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Re: feeling like suicide (semi - serious)
« Reply #84 on: July 12, 2020, 03:25:00 pm »
Unfortunately I don't know anybody. Only through Facebook (LGBTQ local community, but most of them are young and the group is oriented towards support and events)  and randomly at the therapist (but they either younger than me or have never heard of fatigue problems due to stress).
That's partly the reason it was so difficult to find laser and electrolysis technicians - I did everything by myself through phonecalls and while being screamed at at home for having laser etc.
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Offline Kate.claire

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Re: feeling like suicide (semi - serious)
« Reply #85 on: July 12, 2020, 11:15:09 pm »
Hi Kelly,

Sorry for the long read...

Don't get too discouraged on the laser front, you are kind of in the rough patch right now (no pun intended). Around 6 or 7 treatments for me was when some of the original hairs from the first treatments started coming back.  After seeing some cleared area before that, it can feel like things are going backwards and this is the point where a lot of people give up.  I had a similar experience, but stuck to my guns, and continued treatments.  That was 4 or so years ago for me, maybe more, and I can say that my face is very clear of hair and has been for at least 3 years since the last treatment. Stick with it, you will get there. You are doing it at 40, it's not too late, don't fret. I started around the same age and my results were great given time. Every 3 weeks, 4 weeks, 5 weeks... not worth the concern. It isn't going to make or break the success overall... maybe it changes the effectiveness per session at most, so probably more of a question of $ efficiency.

Hard to say much else that won't annoy you with preaching patience. However, my advice, having gone through some of these phases, and feeling stuck: focus on the things you have more immediate control over and less on the things you don't. You've said HRT isn't coming until Oct/Nov at best... so put that to the side for now. You can make it and you will make it, as far off as it may seem, it's less than 1% of your lifetime to date.  It will fly by.

In the meantime there are things you CAN do:

  • You're doing laser, which is great, but won't be a straight line to the finish.
  • You mentioned practicing your voice before, are you still working on it regularly? It's like learning a musical instrument, you're not going to get there overnight, and it's going to sound horrible along the way, but if you put in the hours, real results await you.
  • In the clothing department, I understand wanting to wait to buy clothing until later, but I worry you are pinning too much hope on a dramatic change brought on by HRT. Your body now is going to in many ways still be your body in the future. Diet, exercise, and learning the right clothes for your body are going to be the bigger factors. Getting clothes and more traditionally feminine articles of clothing now will help you develop your own personal style and decide what works for you. Never too soon to start that.
  • Makeup? Another skill that makes all the difference.  A lot of the before and afters you see of women out there, I sometimes feel has more to do with their makeup skills than the physical changes themselves, barring surgery. There's a plethora of YouTubers, non-transitioning or otherwise, that are excellent examples of the dramatic impacts of good makeup skills. Get practicing now... this is another skill that doesn't come quickly.
All these things are steps you are going to need to get through transition, none need to wait for HRT.  Start them now, if you haven't already, and measure your progress through them. It may help take the focus off of the wait for HRT.

Really hope you can find your way through this challenge in your life, I'm sure making it all the way to your PhD candidacy, you've faced many challenges and obstacles along the way, and you've cleared them to get here today, which clearly makes you resilient.  This is just the next one, and you can take it on too.  I know it's a cheesy proverb and all, and I generally hate them, but "Nanakorobi yaoki". One of the few proverbs that actually helps me get through life.

Best wishes,
Kate

Offline kelly_1979

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Rant / seeking advice on calming down
« Reply #86 on: July 15, 2020, 03:36:31 pm »
Ok need real advice here (again!). Wall of text following...

I know this will sound weird but I am at my wits end. My health is so unbelievably bad and I'm "working on it" by just hoping I don't become bedridden before starting HRT.

The huge, main, important issue is my PhD. I'm in 2 funded projects and unless I produce enough results the following month and publish a report I'll have to return the money. This will suck so unbelievably much.

I used to be able to work at the lab. However, due to my gender dysphoria and narcissistic elderly parents (not completely sure about my dad, but my mom definitely has narcissistic traits) I'm finding it exceptionally difficult to focus on my work. At the speed I work I keep falling behind. Another dire issue is that due to stress my short/ long term memory capacity has eroded really badly. I have trouble remembering what I did yesterday or two days ago. A event that happened a week ago feels like a month ago.

This obviously renders all my efforts completely useless.


My father seems like a narcissist but is reading all day Endocrinology books "trying to find out what's wrong with me and how to fix it". He won't believe I'm trans (fair enough) but I see him suffering and spending all his day studying. So I have to give him some leeway. My mom...she does love me (well, parents love their children) but on certain levels is worse than my father. I've never seen my father (so far) shout at me, but my mother has gone quite a few times in full-rage mode. She has thrown empty threats so many times, other times mocks me...you get the idea. Basically like a mal-adjusted 80 year old teenager.

I feel guilty for saying this and think that deep down she loves me, but she doesn't know how to express in a healthy way. I read that parents having narcissist traits are often angry with themselves and unhappy and as a result take it on others, even their children. I want to believe that because there is no way in a million she hates me but presumably due to her upbringing she didn't learn the right way to raise children and treat other people.

It may sound funny but like a month or two ago after a certain event my hands were shaking. I realized how ridiculous the whole thing was and since I've tried setting boundaries.

Both suck in their own ways though.

Dysphoria is one thing but when coupled with my parents behavior makes it a hundred times worse. I'm working on moving to the semi-basement but still needs a lot of work.

The lack of focus and mistakes happen in the house or in the lab. It affects everything I do, even cooking or walking.

As a result of my stress and abuse (?) I keep making mistakes, no matter how hard I try to focus. I might think I finally finished an analysis or experiment and few hours afterwards, the next day or even the next week I'll find out I've made a huge mistake.

This has been going on for years.  Before I realized and solidified the fact that my parents / mainly mom have narcissistic traits (past few months) I was thinking so wrong...I even feared my professor. Only lately I realized how ridiculous my whole thought process was.

And to think I'm a 40 year old grown-as# woman. Yes I said it, woman.

However, just by understanding the flawed logic my parents taught me doesn't make the stress just disappear.


So, the main question is: what the hell do I do? If it wasn't for the deadline I could slowly work from home until I start HRT , move to the basement and hopefully feel a lot calmer. Correct me if this is wishful thinking.

I can't say to my professor "you know, my parents are abusive and I can't focus on my PhD". It's going to sound so ridiculous. I'm not some teenager, I'm almost 41.

Today I talked to my project co-advisor who told me I absolutely need to come and work or risk losing the grant. I told her again that I'm in terrible stress which makes it very hard for me to work. She just said that we all need to learn to deal with stress (yeah, I doubt if she could handle my stress) and told me again to go to a homeopathic (which obviously can't do anything). I hate it because I sound bad and like I don't care. She obviously can't understand how much I'm struggling and to her I look as if I'm just slacking away.

I really really want to continue the project. It's my first paid project. I can't just sit at home and do analyses on the pc. I have to work in the lab (which, in the condition I am, seems extremely difficult).
I know it may sound weird but I'm struggling so hard just to make it through the day.

If you've made it so far, I want to give you a big hug!
« Last Edit: July 15, 2020, 04:44:42 pm by kelly_1979 »
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Offline zirconia

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Re: feeling like suicide (semi - serious)
« Reply #87 on: July 15, 2020, 06:26:16 pm »
Kelly,

I read your post through twice, and do see that you're under tremendous stress. It seems that a lot of it stems from the situation at your home. But you also said you couldn't go to the lab to work because of it.

I don't know you, so this is a general question... but how do you think you'd feel if you did go to the lab to just get away from home and your parents? And spent time there instead?

Would the stress grow or diminish?

Offline kelly_1979

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Re: feeling like suicide (semi - serious)
« Reply #88 on: July 15, 2020, 10:58:57 pm »
It wouldn't really change. That's because I have so much work to do and they keep telling me. Plus, there are certain people that expect "normal" work and performance from me that I currently can't do. The condition of the lab brings me stress too. I've had nightmares about it.
So no  it wouldn't change at all.
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Offline zirconia

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Re: feeling like suicide (semi - serious)
« Reply #89 on: July 15, 2020, 11:59:32 pm »
That sounds really desperate, doesn't it.

This may be totally stupid... because I know nothing about your school, and I've never been where you are... but in the past when overwhelmed, sending out an SOS has helped me. Is there anyone at all at the lab who might accept a call for help and be willing to work with you on what needs to be done?

Offline kelly_1979

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Re: feeling like suicide (semi - serious)
« Reply #90 on: July 16, 2020, 12:16:25 am »
No. And even if there was there would be no difference since it's a paid project and no one else is allowed to work on it, apart from the people who have signed.

Maybe I'm going in some learned self-destruction mode.it doesn't help that the situation in the lab is awkward (I've lost samples so many times due to freezer failure, cultures contaminated over and over etc
 I somehow need to look at it with a fresh view. I really try to think positive but I'm overwhelmed. I've taken up too many responsibilities and I've burned out.

Edit: no matter what I know I can do it. The only issue is that I can work at a certain slow pace. If I try to do more, I burn out immediately.
« Last Edit: July 16, 2020, 01:51:46 am by kelly_1979 »
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Offline zirconia

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Re: feeling like suicide (semi - serious)
« Reply #91 on: July 16, 2020, 02:09:18 am »
Edit: no matter what I know I can do it. The only issue is that I can work at a certain slow pace. If I try to do more, I burn out immediately.

It's good that you know you can. I'm glad. (╹◡╹)

Then, is the next issue how to keep that pace? No faster... just what you can maintain?

Offline Maddie

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Re: Rant / seeking advice on calming down
« Reply #92 on: July 16, 2020, 02:16:34 am »
Big hugs back Kelly

Situation sounds unbearable


I really really want to continue the project. It's my first paid project. I can't just sit at home and do analyses on the pc. I have to work in the lab (which, in the condition I am, seems extremely difficult).
I know it may sound weird but I'm struggling so hard just to make it through the day.

.
The condition you are in is extremely difficult
Maybe you can find some expression, or subtle thing to wear it at the lab, possibly only you know about, that can ease the dysphoria you mention enough to work, without distracting.

And to think I'm a 40 year old grown-as# woman. Yes I said it, woman.

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